


still learning (to love myself)

by dankobah



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, Car Accidents, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Permanent Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rey is a popstar, Therapy, all the uglies of fame too, ben directs documentaries, just generally damaged people falling in love is bound to have some squicks, miss americana au, referenced miscarriage, rey is a mix of taylor swift/halsey/kim petras, they film one together, xanax use (for therapeutic reasons)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:53:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 96,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22760542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dankobah/pseuds/dankobah
Summary: She shoves the camera from her face as she storms past him, breaths rocking her lungs like a tsunami to drown.“Take your stupid fucking camera crew and get out of my life.”ora Miss Americana AU
Relationships: Jannah/Rose Tico, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 228
Kudos: 248





	1. i got a paranoia in me

**Author's Note:**

> tags  
> child abuse reference  
> anxiety disorders  
> reference to divorce

When Ben is offered the documentary, two things cross his mind. 

First of all, how these people found him. Luke is a record label executive with no understanding of how a camera works, and he’s sure that their procurement of his documentarian genius is influenced entirely by the election documentary he did on Snoke losing for president.

It’s Academy Award-winning, after all, it’s not like his uncle would blindly believe his genius without that.

The second is the subject. 

Rey Kanata is a powerhouse performer at only twenty-two, being discovered at age fifteen on Youtube. Ever since then, it’s been a quick climb to the top of pop charts and the top of girl’s minds.

She’s polarizing, an adopted kid, and known to be extremely private when it comes to her family and personal life. She’s five foot seven according to the internet, an Aries, and what looks to be a hopeless romantic. Ben isn’t sexist, not even close, so he doesn’t care about the multiple men she’s been seen with or the explosive breakups that result in a hit album. The public does though, and none of them have any shame in reporting it.

The progression of headlines go a little bit like this:

**Lucky or trapped lad? Rey is seen out with Kazuda Xiono.**

**“We’re happy.” Kazuda Xiono doesn’t comment any further on his budding relationship with Rey Kanata.**

**Another one bites the dust! “She’s f*cking psycho.”**

She described herself as a, _“lover, not a fighter.”_ when Rolling Stone interviewed her the year prior to the Gunray West incident.

That’s what makes people hate her the most though. Gunray West, when she was a little bit older than seventeen, decided to bomb her Grammy win with his own coked-out speech about how someone else deserved to win more than her.

He assumes that Rey, to get back at him, wrote a song calling _someone_ an abusive drug addict piece of shit. She never confirmed it, but she was as good as dead to the public for it. Turns out that attacking someone fresh out of rehab, despite his constant criticism of you while you matured in the spotlight, is abhorrent. Also not to mention his mention of her in his lyrics, confessing he only wanted to get in her pants. That’s right, a seventeen-year-old girl’s pants.

He doesn’t blame her for jumping off the deep end to drown. Rey disappeared for a year and is still gone according to the public.

Luke stares at him across from the table, and this is the one part he’s not excited for. His uncle tried to get him into the music management business early on, managing his mother’s band. Millenia is popular with the older crowd and any hipster teenager looking for ear candy. Leia Organa and Han Solo, his mother and father were the two lead singers, and Ben was born on a tour bus for god’s sake.

The band broke up because of Leia and Han, constant bickering and blaming. Han hated fame, he just loved to perform. Leia wanted more time with her son but all the public’s obligations were getting to her. It just wasn’t a good environment and Ben spent a lot of his time in California, staying with a nanny.

Luke manages a lot of other people, quite successful, but his main moneymaker is Rey. She’s massive and put Skywalker Sound on the map after Millenia. 

Ben sips his whiskey neat. “I’m only here for the fact that-”

How does he say this politely? 

“Your subject piques my interest. And my mom would kill me.” He’s already on thin ice with her for the Snoke shit. Ben is better off just hearing out Luke.

“Rey is dropping an album in eight weeks, then going on tour.” This is secret information and he perks up at it.

“We want you to film, a small crew except for tour photography, her daily life. Ups, downs, you name it." 

Ben says, "As far as creative control-" 

"She'll be a producer on the project. And if she tells you to stop filming, stop filming." Snoke required a lot more control given the sensitivity so Ben is secretly relieved that all she wants is an executive producer role. That's on par with himself, which gives him veto power in case he needs it. 

"What are you looking to get out of this?" 

Luke scratches his greying beard, "Her PR team suggested that it may boost her image past what the album could do. Make her seem more human to her fans."

"She could use that so that her mistakes aren't viewed as Earth-shattering." The amount of perfect girl energy that radiates off her makes his belly hurt. It must be uncomfortable to be that controlled.

"Do me a favor, Ben?" Luke leans forward and sips out of his mug of tea, Ben's water untouched. He’s afraid it’s been poisoned.

“Don’t comment on my client as if you know her.”

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Her house is a fortress by her design.

New York City isn’t the safest city, especially when you’re a figure like her. Especially after you catch a guy in your home, beating it to your underwear drawer. That freaked her out to the point of nightmares (always a common occurrence) where her home is centerstage.

Anxiety runs Rey’s life these days, for all intents and purposes. She has a Xanax in every pocket or purse, she knows deep breathing techniques like the back of her hand, and when things get really bad and trigger her asthma an inhaler is in her hand in .2 seconds. 

Rey is babied in every aspect. She has a chef to come meal prep for her, a live-in assistant for her schedule and general company, and a hair and makeup team to make sure she looks like perfection. The psychiatrist and therapists add onto that, with their pills and electrodes to put on her head in the name of crippling PTSD from an ex-boyfriend by the name of Fett and a foster father who treated her like garbage.

Rey is surrounded by so many people because she doesn’t like to be alone. It reminds her of the closet her foster father used to lock her in for days when she mouthed off, a little girl learning the world and her voice. He made sure to squash it but he could never kill her kindness and her drive to be perfect so people wouldn’t hurt her anymore. 

On top of people, she has two pets. Teedo and Bebe are two cats; Bebe is an orange and white domestic longhair, while Teedo is a deep midnight black Persian mix. They go everywhere with her, unable to leave her emotional support animals behind. 

They climb on top of her lap, wedging themselves next to each other while she leans over the iPad and clicks on skype. The documentary idea came from Luke after Rey expressed she wanted her memories of making her album documented. Now that she’s in the last eight weeks of the process, these are the crucial days where she begins recording and picking singles that help her come back with a bang.

The pressure is on and most would crack, except she’s missed her job. She’s missed performing on this hiatus, as the cheer and sing-along of a mostly all teenage crowd are compared to sex. Only unlike sex, they don’t stop loving you after.

After agreeing to do this, Luke found a man that he believes is qualified for the job. Ben Solo is an academy award-winning director in his own right, so why is Rey so unbelievably nervous to chat with him?

Teedo snuggles up to Bebe on her lap, claws kneading the side of her thigh as a form of comfort. She can’t even enjoy it as her iPad begins to ring and the video call comes up across the screen. She has perfect nude manicured nails, sharpened enough to cut whoever gets close. They’re still tastefully short and make a cute little click against the glass as she taps it. The screen loads and her breath catches in her throat.

Sure, Rey’s seen Ben Solo on the internet. The inky hair and sharp suits, the angular and prominent nose. But in motion, sitting in front of what looks to be a window overlooking the beach in what she assumes to be California. 

“Hey, you must be Rey Kanata.” Rey feels the ends of her hair, wisping down to her shoulders.

She asks, “That’s me. Ben Solo?”

He nods, and peers at her. The speculation makes her uncomfortable but she’s about to be on camera for a year. Lots can happen in a year. “Where are you right now?”

The question makes her deeply uncomfortable and she finds herself being general, “New York, at home. With Teedo and Bebe.” She gestures to the cats on her lap and swallows. Why didn’t she take her medication before this?

Why is she such a scaredy-cat?

“What are you thinking about?” He’s scribbling something down and she feels as if she’s being studied.

She asks, “Why are you writing?”

Ben looks up from his book and his eyes are a deep brown on camera. Rey loves big brown eyes, a tiny bit more than the traumatizing blue of her exes previous. Ben is not a lover, nor shall he ever be equated to one. “Sorry, I should’ve asked. I like to get a profile started on my subjects before I start filming them.”

She bites her lip, “So uh...just talk to me. It’s pretty easy.” Rey doesn’t mean to be rude but she hasn’t given any interviews recently for a reason.

Ben closes the notebook and tosses it aside, then sitting back in his chair so it creaks. Rey pets her cats and looks down at her lap as she does, blinking away unwanted moisture. She cries easily these days, awkward situations being a trigger. “Fine. What’s the one thing going through your mind?”

She’s honest, “How much I don’t want to do this.” Then she picks at the hem of her blue and cloud printed Reformation dress. Angels litter the fabric and it’s supposed to be a depiction of Heaven. 

The situation feels more like hell. 

He nods and she bites her lip, “But...I do think this is necessary to humanize me for people. I just want people to like me again.”

Ben nods, “Those are very good wants. What are you willing to show the public?”

That’s a loaded question. Rey swallows and looks down at her hands, how they tremble. “What do people want to see?”

Ben looks at her and she feels like he could practically climb out of the screen and sit with her. Rey takes a deep breath and that's when he replies, "Vulnerability, answers to some hard questions. Stuff that isn't considered to be fun or particularly easy."

She looks up. He continues, "I won't lie to you, there are going to be parts of this process that you will hate. It's my job to get the footage and get it honestly."

Rey nods, "I know I just," she scratches the back of her head before continuing, "do you promise to stop filming when I ask?"

He nods, "In fear of my cameraman being harmed by your team if I don't, yes."

She sighs in relief, then looking at him.

"Okay."

He perks up and there's a twitch of a smile.

"Let's do this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to a new fic. stay awhile, won't you? maybe leave a comment? thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> work title and chapter title are inspired by ["still learning" by halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDgcS1kVP0A)
> 
> [rey's dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/fonda-dress-1?color=Heaven&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM2)   
>  [miss americana](https://www.netflix.com/title/81028336)   
>  [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=lJu8PXhQTYC5ygwSPOZi7g)


	2. strawberry lipstick state of mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey keeps her eyes shut but clenches her fists. “Overreacting?” Is that even possible when everything feels so life and death?
> 
> Poe says, “I think Ben will make this a fine process. I mean he filmed that racist fuck Snoke for a documentary depicting his loss of the presidency. **That takes huge balls.** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> reference to child abuse  
> filming stuff

“The total will be one hundred and fifteen thousand six hundred forty-five dollars, and three cents.”

Renting even minimal equipment is rough on the budget, especially for three days in New York. Ben has to juggle his LA schedule or he’d stay longer. Hux whistles next to him as Ben hands over the black card, the rental lady swiping it. They parked their truck out back for loading the equipment and Mitaka sits in the driver’s seat so no one steals the thing.

The charge goes through, Ben gets a “what the fuck are you doing” text from his bank, and he takes his stacks of rental agreements and order form. “Buy me dinner if you’ve got that much to splash.”

“I don’t even have enough money to be breathing for too long on this documentary. Fifteen million is a fucking joke.” Hux guffaws and they begin loading their equipment into the bed of the truck, Mitaka hopping out to help. 

Ben says, “I’m telling you, I might have to take a loan out or something.” The truck has a covered bed and all the pelican cases and light cases fit like Tetris. Phasma is bringing her own sound equipment, local to the city and more than happy to help out Ben. 

Mitaka is quiet as he loads and Ben asks, “You nervous or something?” Mitaka shakes his head before he eventually nods.

“Rey is like...a celebrity. My girlfriend loves her music.”

Mitaka continues, “Like I bought her tickets to her last tour.”

Ben rolls his eyes at that. “If that keeps you from being professional, then by all means-”

Mitaka shakes his head, “No, no. I’ll be completely professional, I swear. Nothing will impede me being the most professional-”

Hux puts the last pelican case in the truck bed, “We get it, loser. Are we good to go now?” Ben nods and gets in the driver’s seat of the truck, shoving the rental agreements in a page protector. Then he clips them into a big binder with sections for all aspects of the production. Everything is helpful on paper and he also has a digital copy on the Macbook he carries with him. That sits in a backpack in the backseat, along with the hard drives he has to get the raw footage on. 

The one preliminary he does not forget before he drives is to call Rey’s live-in assistant, Rose. They have each other’s personal information instead of getting Rey’s. If she wants her assistant to handle it then, by all means, he will not stop her.

It rings four times and she picks up with a, “Rose Tico speaking.”

He launches into action, “Rose, it’s Ben Solo. I’ve got part of my crew and all the equipment, am I good to head over?”

Rose hums, “You’re fine. She’ll still be in makeup by the time you get here. Where do you think you’ll be filming?”

Ben pulls out of the alleyway where he was loading and gets on the road, turning onto the street. It’s been a while since he’s driven in Manhattan, especially Manhattan to Brooklyn, and he’s not looking forward to the upcoming drive. “No idea yet, I haven’t scouted the entire house. So I must do a full walk-through when I get there but whatever room has the most light.”

“Probably the living room then. Or maybe her bedroom? She might have to clean it up a little.”

He drives in thought for a couple of moments. Then he says, “The bedroom seems a little more personal.”

“Agreed. She has a lot of art and knick-knacks in there she can tell you about, get her warmed up to you.” He likes this little tip that’s bound to make his job easier. 

“Good, well I’ll see you in thirty to forty-five minutes.”

“See you soon Ben.” Rose hangs up first and Ben refocuses ahead on the road. It doesn’t take long for it to ring again and Hux looks at him. 

“You’re popular.”

Checking it, it’s his mother. If it were anyone else, he would ignore them. But his mother is the highest on the totem pole, higher than his father. 

Answering it, “Mom?”

“Did I hear Luke right in understanding you took this musical documentary?” He can practically smell the ocean breeze from her mansion in Malibu, so much like his father’s digs in Monterrey. 

She tuts, “Very good choice. I’ve met her once you know, at a holiday party Luke threw when she was sixteen. Cute girl.” His mother would have a scoop on her before him, the ultimate den mother to wayward pop star girls.

“I bet. Is that all you wanted to say?”

“Perhaps. Also, I’m wondering when you will be back in California. I want to do lunch.” Why are they doing this now?

Ben bites his lower lip and says, “Mom I gotta go. I’ll text you about this when I get a free moment today.” They’re already starting later than he’d like and he’s probably only got a good eight hours of shoot time by the time they get there. 

“Fine, I’ll text you soon. Have a good day, pumpkin.” Ben hangs up the phone and snorts, scoffing to himself.

Hux asks, “Pumpkin?”

Ben can’t help the way he slaps the side of his arm. 

“As my director of photography, shut the fuck up.”

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“I think you’re overreacting peanut.” 

Finn taps off his crease brush as Poe spins around in her office chair, holding his Dyson dryer as it blows cool air on his face. Rey has two clips pushing her hair out of her face and her hands tremble.

Anxiety has overrun her morning, as usual. She’s had two panic attacks so far, one over a paparazzi lingering outside her house and rendering her useless and unable to leave the house to go get a simple coffee. Rey hates feeling trapped in her own home so getting out is necessary for her health. 

The second panic attack was over choosing an outfit, a whole new rack of clothes picked by her stylist appears; it also contains pieces sent to her in the hopes she’ll choose their piece for her paparazzi debut. She’s put brands on the map before, and Rey just really likes fashion. Any feminine thing is her jam, given that Unkar never let her have things like that.

He wouldn’t even buy Rey feminine hygiene products. Maz and Ahsoka made sure the house was stocked when she arrived, making her feel comfortable with that time of the month and not humiliated that she had to ask the nurse. 

Maz and Ahsoka are great mothers for all intents and purposes. Ahsoka is Polynesian while Maz is from Nigeria. Both are born from immigrant parents and first-generation college students, having met at Barnard. They hit it off and the rest is history.

Rey gets a lot of racist shit on the internet about her moms, and that’s something that’s hard to push through and ignore. Sometimes she’s cracked and said something but Ahsoka and Maz requested that she just ignore the drivel.

_“They’ll never know us, honey bunny.”_

Rey keeps her eyes shut but clenches her fists. “Overreacting?” Is that even possible when everything feels so life and death?

Poe says, “I think Ben will make this a fine process. I mean he filmed that racist fuck Snoke for a documentary depicting his loss of the presidency. That takes huge balls.” Rey opens her eyes to look around for her cats, relieved when she sees the two of them sleeping in the cat tree. Finn clicks his tongue.

“Shut your eyes, peanut.” Rey does as she’s told, a silk robe on her shoulders and her legs crossed in front of her. Then she hears the buzz from the gate ring through and Rose’s quick feet running down from her room a floor above hers. Her study, bedroom, and closet all live on the third floor, over the kitchen and dining room and living room.

Rey doesn’t even answer the door anymore, not since she’s had stalkers. Rose is a godsend in that regard. “I’m not racist though.”

“So he should make you look like the biggest bed of roses no one can resist.” 

Rey remarks, “Roses have thorns.”

“Precisely. But only when you touch them.” Then he removes his brush.

Handing her a mirror, “Open your eyes and look.” She does as she’s told and admires the delicate winged liner with a light and neutral eye. Her cheeks shine with a little bit of highlight and her contour carves out her cheekbones severely for the camera.

“What kind of lipstick color do you want?” Rey refocuses on him while setting the heart-shaped mirror down.

“Something powerful. Like a red but a vibrant red.”

Finn nods and rifles through his kit while she waits patiently, watching the cats get up from the cat tree and run downstairs. Rose will make sure they don’t escape but Rey is still uneasy. Poe gets up and turns off his Dyson, shaking out his hair and walking in front of Rey to kneel down.

Poe takes her shaking hands. “Breathe in on a count of four, out on seven.” She does as she’s told even though her lungs are constricting up. Finn leans into view and puts a strawberry red liquid lipstick across her lips. Rey picks up the mirror and watches her face come alive with the color.

“As Harry Skelyn would say, strawberry lipstick state of mind.” She offers a smile and he smiles back before Rey gets up and lets go of Poe’s hands. 

“Breathing easier?”

She shrugs, “A little.” Poe nods and stands up, only two inches taller than her. Then she pulls down the hem of her t-shirt that she wore to bed the night prior, Ugg slippers on her feet. 

“Thanks, guys. What do you recommend I wear with this?” She’s bogged down even thinking about coming up with an outfit that would please everyone.

Finn and Poe look at each other, used to her anxious antics. “Let’s go pick a few options out and maybe have Ben be the tiebreaker?” The last thing she wants is his approval on her outfits but she supposes they’re right. He is the one who’s bringing cameras into her home and she needs to look as good as possible for the lens.

Rey just nods and walks out of her study, down the hall to her separate closet. Poe and Finn follow her in and Rey drags the rack to the middle of the room as they begin to rifle through. Finn pulls out a pair of jeans with roses printed across the fabric, and a white tee with a cherub doing a kickflip on a skateboard. Poe goes for dresses, picking a light blue puffer sleeve mini dress with a babydoll feel. Then he picks out a teal-green silk button-up dress with a shirt sort of feel. For her own simple pick, she goes with an emerald green dress with a slit up the thigh.

Rose comes out while they’re laying the clothes out and she picks a mauve sweater dress off the rack. “Can they use your bedroom to film?” Rey looks up from the pretty pink mini dress with half bell sleeves before she sighs.

“Do they have to?” It’s a little messy and she knows that, so why would she suggest it?

Rose answers her question without her even speaking it. “Ben says he likes the lived-in look. Obviously, I will remove anything you don’t want to be seen and any valuables.” 

Rey eventually nods, not wanting to be a complete dick although people being in her safe fortress always steps on her PTSD grown boundaries a little too much. She has to remind herself that she wants this, she wants the public to understand her. She wants them to like her again. Sure, she still has loyal fans. A lot of them, but she wants to be something they can be proud of; not something to defend. “That’s fine. Just remove all valuables and hide them in the study.”

Then she sighs, “Can you also get him up here to pick what he likes best out of all these options?” Rose nods and leaves the room, and Finn goes to her giant rack of shoes. She has even more sneakers in a closet downstairs, her guilty pleasure. 

She says, “I don’t think they’re gonna see my feet.”

Rose comes back upstairs with Ben, and the first thing she notices his height. He easily clears everyone in the room, and muscle ropes his biceps that pop out of his black tee. His features are even more prominent in person and Rey walks towards him. “Hi, it’s cool to meet you in the flesh.”

She holds out her hand for him to shake and he takes it, shaking it delicately before looking her current outfit up and down. “Is it bad that I like what you’re wearing?” She looks down at the ratty tee from sleepaway camp at fifteen, her first and last one before she got famous. Then she wraps the dusky purple robe self consciously around herself. 

Rose suggests, “Maybe look at the options she’s picked out? No woman enjoys being in unattractive jammies in front of others.” Thank god for Rose, and Ben walks past Rey to assess the clothing pieces laid out on the floor. Rose rubs her back as Ben picks up the mauve sweater dress and the pink bell sleeve dress. 

Then he drops those and points to the jeans and tee. “That outfit is perfect.” That’s the comfiest at least. 

Finn asks, “Are you going to see her feet?” 

Ben asks, “Do I look like Quentin Hutt? No feet, I find them gross and unappealing to shoot.” That makes her giggle and then she looks around the room.

“Everyone out, please. I have to change.” 

They all follow her orders and leave, Poe sending her a wink as he shuts the door, and Rey takes a long moment of looking in the mirror at her knobby knees and bruised elbows, befitting of a little girl who likes the outdoors instead of being afraid of it.

Ignoring her sudden bout of sadness, she dresses for the day. 

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The day is going easy so far, filming presenting no sudden kinks technical wise. Personality-wise, Rey looks like a deer in the headlights on camera. 

He assumes that it’s because it’s been a while, she’s not used to cameras being in her face anymore.

She’s silent as she sits down on her bed and sits cross-legged, brushing her hair from her face and looking directly at the lens. Hux has the camera on a tripod and is methodically switching out lenses since they’re without a first or second AC. Ben likes to go bare-bones when they can and these first couple of days are a great opportunity to see what they need to add to their crew or equipment order. 

Mitaka is setting up lights and closing her curtains, and an orange and white cat hops onto the bed. Rey picks it up and holds it close to her chest, rocking back and forth like she’s holding a baby. The innocence of the whole act makes his belly hurt. Then she lets the cat go and he flops over next to her thigh.

He asks, “All right Rey, do you have anything from your childhood you’d like to show us?”

She recoils and he knows he’s said something wrong. He rephrases, “I mean like any journals, drawings, kid stuff. You know?” He gives a nervous laugh and she stares at him with a wary gaze. Then she reaches into her nightstand, opening it up. She picks up a stack of journals, holding them up. 

“Do you have to see the inside words?” He shakes his head and she looks relieved. Then she sets the journals in front of her. 

Hux asks, “Rey, could you hold still for me?” He then pulls focus on her form, leaving the background a bit blurry for an ethereal or dreamy effect. Ben looks at the monitor set up for him, watching how her face comes to life beneath a lens. She looks gorgeous in 8K. 

Ben says, “Phasma, you’re good to mic her now.” The Amazon blonde arrived a little bit after them and was prepared to work. She gets started on micing Rey and Ben turns to Rose who is hovering. 

Rose asks, “Can Finn do a makeup check on her when Phasma is done? He wants to reapply her lipstick to be a bit more vibrant.” Ben nods, knowing nothing about makeup and seeing nothing other than her lipstick looking fine. He supposes it’s a feminine thing that he hasn’t adopted yet.

Phasma finishes up her work quickly, having Rey say a few key phrases to check for diction and clarity. He always wants crisp sounds and he gets it from Phasma. Finn jumps in and reapplies the strawberry red lipstick that pops on camera, he must thank him for the choice. “We ready?”

Hux replies, “10-4.” Mitaka nods, Phasma puts in her headphones, Rose, Finn, and Poe leave the room with a silence unrivaled. Rey looks a little scared and Ben kneels down right in front of her.

He asks, “What can I do to make this easier?” A good director would ask questions like that more often than he has, and he feels like a dick. 

She asks, “Can Rose be in the room?”

He nods and leaves the room, seeing Rose already in the hallway. “I thought she would need-”

He cuts her off with a nod and she enters the bedroom again. Rey lights up before waving and Rose plops and sits down on the floor to drum her fingers for the black cat hiding underneath the bed. It pounces and Rose picks him up and sets him on the bed to hang out with Rey.

He understands how these two live together now and he likes it a lot, wanting to make it a note to show their relationship more. Rey pets the cats and Ben nods to Hux, who presses to record onto the hard-drive hooked up to the camera. They like to do long takes that fill up the camera’s hard drive, so they have at least a dozen other hard drives on them, constantly ready for footage dumping. 

He makes sure Phasma is grabbing sound before he asks, “So Rey, what are those?” She looks up at him and luckily not at the camera. Then she looks back at the journals.

“These are my journals from when I was a kid. I don’t have all of them in here but the youngest I have is I think fourteen.” She holds up the sky blue journal with painted fluffy clouds on the cover. A big **14** is stamped onto the cover. She cracks it open and flips through it, then closing it.

“I like this journal the most because it’s pink and I love the color pink. This is the one from this year.” A giant **22** is written on it, pressed in rose gold foil. Ben looks at his monitor as she shows the camera the journal.

Then she stops, swallowing. She asks, “I’m sorry, can we redo that?” 

Ben says, trying to be as gentle as possible, “Cut. You were doing fantastic Rey. Do you not want to talk about your journals?” Rey shakes her head.

“I don’t know. It feels kinda personal.” He has to remember she’s just starting to reveal herself a little more. But for god’s sake, getting personal and away from that perfect girl image is the point. He wants messy, he wants the equivalent of Snoke throwing the glass at him only without stitches down his face. 

“Okay. What do you think your fans want to see?” This is a good exercise to perform with the willing and she bites her lip.

“Me? Just me. Maybe my cats too. I keep it simple, Ben.” He watches her sigh again and she crosses her arms over her chest. He sits next to her and reaches over her to pet the black cat. He lets him, rolling onto his back to expose his fluffy belly.

“What did you want to show them?”

She answers automatically, “The real me.”

He says, “Trust me to show the real you. Even if it may seem a little scary at first.”

Rey shrugs, “It’s terrifying so no promises.”

He snorts, “I know it’ll take a while. Wanna try again?”

Her face screws up in determination.

“Yes.”

She could be Wonder Woman at that moment, with the way she smiles then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey welcome to chapter 2. leave a comments if you so desire. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["adore you" by harry styles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vs_lVOPZMAM)
> 
> the list  
> [rey's slippers](https://www.ugg.com/s/UGG-US/women-sale/fuzz-yeah/192410497201.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=pla&gclid=Cj0KCQiAkKnyBRDwARIsALtxe7g3GWxYiZqOoQHkjAiOpXVXTbpuxTv-8grZfciXp9GjhnE8q_Ry--YaArNsEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)  
> [rey's robe](https://kimandono.com/collections/kimono-robes-all/products/kimono-robe-blush-rose-short?variant=38761663875)  
> [pink bell sleeve dress](https://jingus.com/collections/short-dresses-mini-dresses-j-ing/products/petal-pink-princess-dress)  
> [mauve sweater dress](https://jingus.com/collections/short-dresses-mini-dresses-j-ing/products/mindy-mauve-knit-sweater-dress)  
> [blue puff sleeves dress](https://www.dollskill.com/puff-sleeves-babydoll-mini-dress-blue.html)  
> [emerald green dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/juliette-dress?color=emerald)  
> [teal shirt dress](https://amourvert.com/products/marlo-dress?variant=31541764194375)  
> [white cherub tee](https://www.dollskill.com/daisy-street-graphic-cherub-print-tee-white.html)  
> [rose jeans](https://www.thereformation.com/products/rose-jean)  
> [strawberry red liquid lipstick](https://www.ulta.com/matte-liquid-lipstick?productId=xlsImpprod16151067&sku=2525662&cmpid=PS_Non!google!Product_Listing_Ads&cagpspn=pla&CATCI=aud-434937987590:pla-308871634979&CAAGID=44954332204&CAWELAID=330000200001375802&CATARGETID=330000200001184987&cadevice=c&gclid=Cj0KCQiAkKnyBRDwARIsALtxe7gNjM_A7iDDv-yxcTZQTdeQPKpmLBEJwyKaUxnaxmqAYT33oGGG2JAaAiVJEALw_wcB)


	3. i should be living the dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Rey clink glasses. Rey takes a sip of the earthy and rich wine, dark berries hitting her refined palate. Rey can wine taste thanks to Ahsoka’s sommelier experience, and Rose wrinkles her nose. Rey says, “There’s a Barefoot rosé in there too. Just dump it out in the sink.” 
> 
> Rose doesn’t dump it and opens up the Sub Zero fridge instead. Rey decides to be a good hostess, **“Do either of you want wine?”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> mental health stuff (medication, a PTSD meltdown, diagnosis talk)  
> abusive ex boyfriends  
> mention of sexual abuse from a boyfriend

They’re lucky that she warms up to the camera so quickly after that.

Maybe it’s the Xanax Rose slipped her when they were trying to solve a camera difficulty that smoothed out all her nerves. Either way, she’s cool as a cucumber by the time they reach the end of the shooting day, in her kitchen. Bebe and Teedo walk all over the counter as she pours a glass of wine for her and Rose. 

Rey can drink hours later on Xanax, and she usually only has one drink a week. It’s not in her diet to drink, and alcohol makes you puffy. She figures she deserves a good red wine after a long day though, and so does Rose for dealing with all her bullshit. 

Ben posts up at her kitchen island as Hux puts away the camera. He’s importing footage from what she could gather from his and Hux’s whispering. Mitaka has already taken all his lights down and stored them in her living room for the shoot tomorrow. She’s allowed all the equipment to go in there for the night.

Rose and Rey clink glasses. Rey takes a sip of the earthy and rich wine, dark berries hitting her refined palate. Rey can wine taste thanks to Ahsoka’s sommelier experience, and Rose wrinkles her nose. Rey says, “There’s a Barefoot rosé in there too. Just dump it out in the sink.” 

Rose doesn’t dump it and opens up the Sub Zero fridge instead. Rey decides to be a good hostess, “Do either of you want wine?” Phasma is wrapping cable and she shakes her head.

She says, “I’m a gin type of lady.” 

Rey offers, “I have that too. And I think there’s tonic water in the garage.” Rose nods to confirm and Hux peers in the open fridge. 

Phasma agrees, “What the hell, I’m sure Ben will want to hear sound quality.”

Hux says, “I’ll take a La Croix.”

Rey then asks, “Ben?”

Ben doesn’t even look up from his laptop while shaking his head. “I’m fine.”

She, for some reason unknown to even herself, prods, “Shame that this wine will go to waste.” Rey wants him to loosen up potentially. He reaches blindly for Rose’s abandoned glass, wipes the rim with his tee, and takes a long sip.

Then he sets is aside, and Rey smiles in satisfaction. She then says, “I’ll go get that tonic water and make you a drink, Phasma.”

Rose springs up from where she leans against the counter, “I can do it-”

“I’ve got it, Rose. You’re off the clock, drink your rosé.” Rey then leaves the kitchen, walking down the stairs to the garage below the house.

For a reason unbeknownst to her, Ben follows her down. “You did really great today.”

Rey looks back as she opens the inside door to the garage, “Thank you. All of it was really...fun, I guess.”

He nods as he follows her into the concrete garage where her utilitarian looking yellow Jeep sits. The truck sits next to it and the image takes her breath away for a bad reason.

It reminds her of Fett.

She doesn’t think about Fett, double her age and sleazy as can be. He took advantage of her kindness, her clout, and abused her in the process. 

To top it all off, the sex was demeaning to take part in, from the first night to the tumultuous last. The night she kicked him out, she begged him to come back and fuck her twice more because she couldn’t stand to be alone.

Ahsoka and Maz saw the bruises, and all but threw him down her Brooklyn steps with all his shit. Rey gulps and Ben is staring at her. “You good?”

Rey looks over, her fingers feeling numb and her heart beating out of her chest. “Uh...you’re leaving in your truck later, right?” She doesn’t know if she can sleep with that thing in her garage, a skeleton in a closet. 

Ben nods, “Yeah. Going to a hotel, why?” 

She nods, “Good. Um, yeah, I’m good. Great.” She shakes her head to get the hair out of her eyes and then grabs two cans of tonic water from the fridge in the corner. It has extra water, Pedialyte, Propel, you name it. She’s all about hydration, drinking enough water to sink a ship daily.

He asks, “Everything all right?” 

“Yeah, everything is fine. It’s all fine.” She walks past him and back into the house without looking back, chewing on her lip. 

“Rey?” She stops on the stairs and turns around, cans still in her hands. 

Ben seems to struggle with what he’s saying, “Uh, does the truck...bother you? I can get a different car-”

Rey shakes her head, “It’s okay uh...don’t let me put you out or anything.” She plops down on the stairs to sit, the stairway feeling a little hot. Maybe the walls are closing in, and holy fuck, is she having a full PTSD shutdown in front of her director?

_Snap out of it, Rey._

Ben kneels down in front of her. “Hey, you okay?”

Rey shakes her head, and he gulps, “What can I do? I’ll go move it to the street if you want-”

She’s speaking before she allows her mouth to move, “Just stay here.” 

Ben does as she tells him, sitting on the step next to her. Rey lays her head between her knees so the dizziness will subside. This is far too intimate for her taste and she sighs. “Do you want me to talk?”

She nods. He begins by saying, “You did fantastic today. The camera loves your face.”

She snorts, getting that from plenty of executives. _“The camera just eats her up!”_

Ben then says, “I’m not photogenic.”

She rolls her eyes, “I saw your Oscar portraits. The camera loves your face too.” She doesn’t want to admit she had been thirsting over them before this documentary came about. 

She can already see what the public would say, _“Fucking her director? What a slut!”_

Not that it would come to that but she sighs anyway, dreaming of the possibilities and the what-ifs. Ben interrupts her thoughts, “I think you’ll come alive even more once you get back into what you enjoy doing. Like touring or recording music, or making a music video. All of that is fun for you, right?” 

She nods, head still between her knees.

“I’m sorry that things are so hard.” 

“It’s okay.” She rubs her eyes despite the eyeliner and shadow, individual false eyelashes coming off on the back of her knuckles. 

“It’s not.” 

Rey lifts her head and takes a deep breath, steeling herself. “I think I will go to bed after I make these drinks.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Ben starts fresh the next morning with a cup of coffee and a better attitude.

Rey’s shutdown scared the shit out of him the day prior, and that’s when he realized that this might be harder than he expected. This process is not like Snoke; he’s dealing with someone that fame has damaged, not lifted.

Rey is in a black polka dot sheer dress today, hair thrown back in three buns that he’s seen in so many paparazzi pictures. Finn and Poe assess her like he does, checking each detail from head to toe.

Ben offers, “I like it, but I was thinking something...happier.” She would look lovely in pink.

Rey shakes her head, “I don’t feel happy so-”

“Elaborate on that.” Rey shakes her head.

“You’re not my shrink. Can I go unnaturally hang out with Rose on camera now?” The sass is unwelcome, and he holds up his hands. 

“Dress is fine then. Take your time, I’ll be downstairs.” He did not punch the bag hard enough at the gym this morning, that much is obvious. 

Rey calls after him as he turns around, “Sorry I...I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.”

Ben looks back, and he says, not acknowledging her apology wholly, “No problem. Just take your time.”

Then he walks out of the room, chewing on his lower lip and hoping to god this year passes fast, or at least her diva attitude subsides.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

They’re done in New York before they know it. Not wholly done, but done for now and ready to follow Rey to LA.

Rey hasn’t been to LA in months, Luke has been coming to her for meetings. All the studios she uses are in LA, she has a home there where Ahsoka and Maz sometimes stay, so it’s time to go back and sink her teeth into her career.

Ben shows up on her doorstep at six in the morning with a small camera in his grip, microphone on top. It’s a guerilla set up that she can admire for its stealth. It doesn’t make her feel so watched.

“Are you filming?” He nods and holds it up to film her. Rey covers her face, and he clicks the record button to turn it off. 

He says, “I won’t show you in the morning unless you want me to.” Rey shakes her head and invites him in, watching him lumber past her with a backpack on his back and rolling suitcase dragging behind him. He leaves both in the hallway and Rey turns to the stairs. 

“I mean I suppose you can show me. As long as you uh-” She blushes. Is she a fucking schoolgirl? Some coquettish whore who wants to jump her director? 

He asks, “As long as I?”

She rushes out, “Call me pretty.” She’s worn her gorgeous pink silk pajamas from Agent Provocateur, sent over when someone leaked she had a wedding with Fett over a long weekend as a joke. That had been the worst day of her life, the damage control, lying to him and saying that it’s not like she _didn’t_ want to be married to him.

“You’re gorgeous.”

Rey blushes deeply before running up the stairs and hearing him quickly follow behind. He holds up the camera as they walk and Rey walks backward so that she can look at him in the hallway's lowlight. Rose is rushing around and packing upstairs for their private flight that leaves in two hours.

He asks, “Where are we headed today, Rey?”

She replies with a toss of her hair, “Los Angeles.” Then she walks into her closet, where her suitcases are open and half packed. She plops down and sifts through the rack of clothes that have just been added onto.

“What are you going to do there?” 

Rey smiles up at him, “Record the first single. See Luke, maybe my moms if they make it down from Malibu.” Ben smiles from behind the camera, only a split second before he slates to serious again.

She then declares, “I also want to...I want to get my favorite coffee and maybe write another song while I’m there. That would be nice.”

“Do you like simple things like that?” 

Damn his questions being so probing. Rey stares at the camera before shrugging, “Maybe? I used to have this really ratty doll when I was a kid, other kids would say it was really ugly or too plain but I always loved it a lot.”

Rey then looks up at him and says, “Aren’t the simple things the best things to like, though?”

Ben nods to himself and closes the viewfinder, lowering the camera. “See how easy that was?”

She bites her lip and then continues to pick out clothes from the rack. Thank god she’s gotten some new lounge wear, even including an octopus printed onesie at her delight. She picks that off the rack and sets it aside for the plane. “So according to the internet, you have a wicked sneaker closet.”

Rey nods and she stands, "Do you want to see it?"

He asks, "If I could film it?" She nods and walks out of the closet, Ben following behind her. The sneaker closet is upstairs, in its own climate-controlled room. Rey treats her wine worse than her sneakers, but her moms always taught her the importance of taking care of special things.

"So what got you into collecting sneakers?"

That's a fun question, and she looks back as she walks up the stairs, "I just like the comfort and look of them, and when I was a kid, my foster father wouldn't buy me new shoes. Even if I wore the biggest hole in the sole, he told me to suck it up and tape it."

Ben nods, and Rey looks back forward and keeps walking, eventually reaching the room. "Do you want a grand reveal?"

"Give it to me, Vanna White." Rey opens up the door and Ben walks in with the camera, smoothly moving it on the gimbal that steadies the picture. 

The sneaker closet is chock full of shelves along the walls. Almost every shelf is full of varying kinds of sneakers, a rainbow of colors and cuts. Ben looks like he's in heaven. She wants to make him a little jealous, "You wanna see the scariest part?"

"Please." Rey walks to the walk-in closet in the room, opening the door and revealing clear boxes of sneakers stacked up to the rack on all sides of the wall.

Ben is in awe, "You packrat. Have you worn all these?" 

Rey shakes her head, "I've bartered so many times to get my own sneakers on my feet for tours so I can, and no luck."

Ben chews on his lip and spins around the closet, showing a three-sixty of it. "Where do you keep all the boxes?"

Rey shrugs, "Rose did something with them, but I keep them. You're not a real collector unless you do."

He says, "I got to admit, this is hot Rey." 

That earns a blush across her cheeks. "Thank you, most people find it crazy.” Then she walks out of the closet and picks out her favorite pair of basic white Air Force 1’s off her most-used shelf. They’re freshly cleaned with bleaching toothpaste by her own hand. 

“These are my favorites. Super retro looking.” Ben focuses the camera on them, her manicured nails resting delicately on the leather. Then he lowers the camera. 

“This is the shit your fans want to see, by the way.”

Her anxiety spikes. “What if they don’t like me after this?” It’s something that was on her mind last night, unable to sleep. She’s planning on sleeping on the plane if she can, but she doubts it.

Ben shakes his head, “Quality of fans, not quantity.”

“But music sales.”

“Four consecutive albums of yours have been number one for six weeks on the Billboard charts. I’d call that a trend that’ll continue.” Sometimes she forgets about records like that, how she’s considered a force to be reckoned with at twenty-two. Rey has power, she just does not understand how to use it without the influence of her team.

“People don’t want you to hide anymore.” 

She asks, “What if I still want to hide?”

Ben shrugs, “I will admit that I isolated a little after my Oscar win. Luke pulled me out of it, just like I will have to pull you out of yours.”

Rey nods and he continues, playing with the hem of his Carhartt jacket since March in New York can be a little chilly, “And I hate that I have to. Snoke was easy because he seemed like he wanted it-”

“I want this.”

He swallows, and she says, “I don’t but I do, and I’m sure you can understand how confusing that is for me.” Then he nods.

“I can. Just know that as your co-producer and director, I’ve got your back.”

She bites her lower lip before smiling to herself, pounding fists with him.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey travels in ultimate comfort, and he’s a little jealous.

He figures they’re doing the first-class cabin of a large airline, but that’s foolish to think as their driver rolls onto the tarmac of a private airstrip outside of Manhattan. Rose is in the passenger seat of the car and she calls back to them, “Paps.”

Rey exhales and reaches to the side to grab her bright yellow track jacket that coordinates with her sweats, throwing it over her head like a soldier diving into a bunker. Ben has never had to deal with photographers outside of award shows, at least not what he knows of. He feels bad for her.

Rose says, “Ben I would cover yourself.”

He shakes his head, “I need the footage.” Rose sighs before shrugging, looking back forward as the car rolls to a stop. 

Rey asks, “Can I go out your way Ben?” He clicks record and gets out of the car, focusing the camera as she pokes her head out from her jacket, still in the car's cover so she can. Then she gets out of the car and covers her face again as she shuffles past him. Rose takes her hand and they both walk to the jet, Rose leading the blind Rey while Ben focuses on their backs going up the jet ramp. 

The cabin of the plane is nice and spacious, with two cushy and creamy tan leather seats across from each other on either side of the plane. Things are paneled in wood and stitched with gold thread, and the flight attendant moons at him with a, “Good morning!”

Ben nods in acknowledgment and then sets his backpack down in front of a seat. His camera is still on a gimbal and he records as Rey plops down across from him with the jacket off her head. It hasn’t messed up her three buns at the back of her head. Rose is on and off the plane with the flight attendant, getting their bags on their plane. Ben wants to help but Rey is looking so beautiful through the lens that he can’t bring himself to stop filming.

“Are you nervous?”

Rey shakes her head, “I love New York so much, but California is my home. It’s where my family is.” She looks out the window at the tarmac as Rose sets the two cat carriers at her feet. Bebe and Teedo yowl and he focuses the camera on them before back on Rey. 

“They hate planes, sorry. "

He nods, "No problem. This is why I bring earplugs, that and screaming babies.” She giggles.

His camera is still on. She knows it is, so he feels comfortable asking, “Do you want children someday?”

Rey hums, “If I find the right person who wants them too, then yes. Otherwise, I don’t think so.” He nods in acknowledgment.

He asks, “How many?”

She smiles such a soft smile, “Just two. Close together so they have a friend.” Then the flight attendant comes by, “Can I get either of you a drink before takeoff?”

Rey perks up, “Do you have orange juice?”

“We do!”

Rey says, “I’ll take that then, Ben can you turn the camera off?” He does as he’s told.

“Nothing for me.” Rose leans over the aisle when the flight attendant walks away and deposits a white little pill in Rey’s palm. He knows it’s not his business to ask, so he doesn’t.

But the way she looks at it lingers in his head.

She looks at it like a lifeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to chapter 3. leave a comment, those are pretty sweet. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["still learning" by halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDgcS1kVP0A)
> 
> [polka dot dress](https://www.dollskill.com/daisy-street-long-sleeve-mesh-polka-dot-dress.html)   
>  [agent provocateur pjs](https://www.agentprovocateur.com/us_en/classic-pyjama-top-pink)   
>  [nike air force 1](https://www.footlocker.com/product/~/15121115.html?SID=9114&inceptor=1&cm_mmc=paid%20search-_-google-_-g-_-PLA-_-DPA-_--_-P-_-Prospecting-_--_-1988912082-_--_-79747310392-_-PLA-_-151211157.5-_--_--_-&gclid=Cj0KCQiA-bjyBRCcARIsAFboWg2Tjwg8jaMo_zqjygeiNoALPnqJ4Nj7gD3Gfao2JFbn0kYN0xXtERMaAhD9EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)   
>  [yellow adidas tracksuit](https://www.macys.com/shop/product/adidas-mens-originals-adicolor-firebird-track-jacket?ID=7951943&CategoryID=71973&swatchColor=Yellow#fn=COLOR%3DYellow)   
>  [listen to the playlist now](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=bWzKUXXpT_K10WPNo2XhRA)


	4. so here's the truth from my red lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He seems to be not offended by this. That is until he opens his mouth and the facade fades away, “I don’t have a trust fund anymore, given I went to film school instead of a normal university. But no, I have no clue about you but what I know about you so far has been nothing but sunshine and rainbows.”
> 
> He goes on, “But that’s bullshit Rey because you’re deeply unhappy. It’s clear in your mannerisms you’re going through something harsh in your head that **you won’t let anyone into.** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> abusive ex boyfriend talk  
> mental health talk  
> sex talk

He’s missed LA and touching down feels brilliant.

Sure, the fake attitudes and social-climbing aspect of the city gets tiring, but it’s been his home all his life. He can’t just not miss it when he’s away from its cruel clutches for too long.

Rey changes her outfit from her bright yellow tracksuit to a daisy printed skirt and a spaghetti strap camisole tucked into it. She’s still wearing her bright white Nikes, and she shoves her tracksuit into her backpack.

The cats are back in their carriers, litter box emptied and they hate everything if their yowling is enough sign. He feels bad for them, and he wonders why she doesn’t just get a house and pet sitter when she has to leave. He supposes there’s a valid reason, and what she does with her pets is none of his business. 

Rey is now wearing a smattering of makeup, lashes long and lips bright red. Bright lips seem to be her trademark and it makes her face pop. He puts away his kindle, cracking his knuckles and watching her plop down across from him. 

She crosses her legs and clips her seatbelt as the plane moves down towards the tarmac. Rey looks nervous as she white knuckles the seat and Ben wishes he could just shush her and tell her everything will be all right.

She hasn’t gotten that a lot in her life, or at least that’s what he thinks. The wheels hit the tarmac and the plane jolts forward as it lands, Rey’s knee bouncing hard as she stares out the window. Then she reaches down to hold her cats in place and he turns on the camera to record her as the plane slows and finally stops. 

The seatbelt sign comes off and Rose stares out the window. “Paps again.” Rey sighs heavily, and Ben finds himself shrugging off his jacket. 

“This will cover you. The hood is big enough.” Rey looks at him like he has three heads and he thrusts it at her.

She takes it and slips it on her body, hem hitting mid thigh on her. Then she chucks the hood over her head, perfectly shielding her from the world. Rose says, “Good thinking, Ben.” 

He shrugs, “I’d like to think I'm smart, you know.” Rey gets up from her seat and grabs her cat carriers, while Ben grabs his backpack. Security outside will get the suitcases, and she walks off the jet and quickly towards the car. Cameras flash until they die, realizing they can’t get a good face shot for proof. It could be anyone under that hood. 

Ben follows her and films the paparazzi before filming her back clad in his jacket.

Maybe it’s so he can see her in his clothes any time of day he wants.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey loves her home in West Hollywood. 

It’s modern, mid-century furniture inside with white decor and light wood. It reminds her of her Brooklyn apartment, and she had a taste for interior design before everything in her brain went to shit. 

Rey sets the cat carriers down in the spacious open concept living room and kitchen, the car parked out in the driveway to unload suitcases. She unzips each one and each cat bolts further into the house, probably to hide under the bed. Rey walks to the thermostat and turns it back up, leaving it at sixty-five whenever she leaves for a long time during the winter months.

Ben walks into her house, looking around at the open concept. She looks back at him and gives a weak smile. “Unfortunately, I have a meeting in about an hour-”

“I know, Luke said I was going.” He sets his bags down in the hallway.

“Do you live in LA, Ben?” 

He nods, “Born and raised in California, but I spent six to seventeen in the city. It was the best location for my parents to be divorced.”

At least he’s frank, and she brushes her hair from her face. Then she smooths out her skirt. “Can I get you water? Rose needs to order groceries for the next two weeks still, and that’s all I got.” Ben shakes his head.

“I’m good. Do you want to show me your favorite room in this house?”

She walks to the stairs, hearing the shutter open up, and he follows behind her as she walks up the modern wood stairs, open to the house. Then she walks down the hallway, to the back master bedroom. The room is outfitted with greys, creams, blues, and black, colors that remind her of the ocean that feels so far away.

“I like this more than my Brooklyn one. I don’t know why.” Maybe it’s because the Brooklyn one is full of memories and sadness, and she spends most of her time alone there. 

“It’s more you.”

She snorts. He doesn’t know her well enough to make those assumptions. Maybe he will in a few months, but not now. "Or what I think is you."

That makes more sense, and she shrugs, “Maybe.” He walks around her room and films the space while she steps into the walk-in closet. Unlike in Brooklyn, she doesn’t have a separate room and cramming things in here is the reason she has anxiety sometimes.

She grabs a leather jacket off the rack and puts it on her body. Then she walks back out and Ben is re-watching the footage on the DSLR screen, Rey peeking at it. He takes it out of her sight and she pouts, “Why can’t I see?”

Ben shakes his head and shrugs. “Because you might get self-critical and I don’t want that.”

“Well, I have a right to know if I look hot-”

He says, exasperated with her, “You are.” Then he gulps, and she peers at him.

She asks, “I am?” Of course, she is, but she doesn’t believe that someone like Ben Solo would think so. He’s him, an odd-looking Adonis that she can’t help but admire like something in the Met. She wonders if he likes art, music, poetry. Does he like bourbon, wine tasting, and charcuterie boards? What about Apples to Apples or the Game of Life?

He replies, “Yeah.” Rey opens her mouth to respond but Teedo bolts from underneath the bed and runs crazily into the bathroom.

Ben looks bewildered and Rey explains, “They both get the kitty zoomies and have to check this place out again.” Then she walks after her cat to open up the shower for him to explore.

Rose calls from down the hall, “We’ve got to leave in five! Chewie will be here then.” Rey smiles to herself, walking out of the pristine white bathroom to see a contemplative Ben. 

He asks, “Did she say Chewie?” 

Rey nods, “He’s my security guard.” 

Ben gulps, “Small world.”

Rey raises a brow, and he continues, “Chewie used to protect my mom until the divorce. My dad hired him.”

She furrows her brows, “Oh. That’s funny.” She doesn’t know why she feels so possessive over her security guard. Maybe it’s the nights she’s shared with Chewie, in the back of the car with tears rolling down her face and bruises on her skin, his knuckles bloody from beating Fett’s face in. Would he have done the same for Leia Organa?

Chewie cares about her, more than she can pay for. She walks past Ben and dumps out her backpack, walking back to her closet and grabbing a Chanel bag. Then she puts things systematically in the purse, ignoring him as he paces around her room.

“Rey?”

She asks, “Yeah?” Turning around, she views how he twiddles his thumbs before clearing his throat.

“I thought that maybe we could grab dinner tonight? To discuss how you want to proceed with filming in LA, what days and such.” The air in her lungs turns to fire and is he asking her out? No, it’s strictly business.

So why does she wish it was more?

“Uh sure, that sounds perfect. I assume after my meeting?” 

“If it would please you.”

“It would.”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Luke’s office at Skywalker Sound is a namaste clusterfuck if he’s ever seen one.

Luke and Rey air kiss when they see each other, her squealing and tight hugging all on camera. It must have been a while since they’ve seen each other, and Ben realizes just how fortunate he is to have access to her in a time like this.

The dinner with her later is primarily formal, but he also wants her to loosen up around him. He’s had a camera in her face for a couple of days and he wants her to be okay with it.

Rey settles in a low to the ground couch across from Luke, Rose sitting down next to her. Ben sits in an armchair off the side, giving him a good vantage point to see all the faces. Rose gets out a rocketbook notebook to take notes and Rey plays with the hem of her skirt.

“So I see the documentary is going well.” 

Rey nods, “As well as it can.” Ben knows he’s cutting all this out but keeps the camera trained on Rey. She’s the main subject after all.

“So, we have a lot to talk about but I first want to touch on this song feature that came across my desk for you-”

Rey interrupts, “I want to release my own music before I feature on a song again.”

“It’s one of the biggest K-POP groups in the world, 3PO.”

That gives Rey pause, and she then queries, “Would I have to go to South Korea-”

“No, you’d do it remotely, and we’d send it over for approval.” Rey clasps her hands together.

She says, “Tell them I’ll think about it more. I still want to drop my own stuff before the public hears me on a KPOP song. Maybe after the first single if their deadline allows it?” She’s hot when she talks business and Rose is quickly writing down a to-do list. 

“I want to send them flowers for the offer though, so if you could get Rose their information, that would be great.” Ben looks at Rose, who jots that down without a problem. He wonders if he likes being an assistant, or if it’s a job of convenience and a place to live. They seem to get along very well, so he assumes there are other factors there.

“Next on the agenda is the single. Are we on track for a month and a half from now? Also, who should we hire for your director on your video?”

Rey replies, “I need to get in the studio but I have plenty of material to record with Kaydel. As for a director, I don’t know. I must get back to you.” Who the fuck is Kaydel? He refocuses on Luke, who looks pleased as he spins a dreidel that sits on his desk, over and over. “I assume you can organize your own studio time?”

Rey nods fiercely, “Always. I’ve got this, I’m ready to be a functioning member of music society now.”

Her determination makes Ben smile from behind the lens.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

He picks Italian for dinner because he’s craving parmesan cracked over warm pasta. Also because it’s a food that anyone likes, whether it’s a cheat day or not.

They get dropped off at the house, Chewie departing from the meeting to leave her alone for the night at her request. Perhaps she thought he didn’t hear it, but he most certainly did. He waits downstairs while she changes, knowing for a fact that she’s a multiple outfit change girl. 

She bounds down the steps in a blue silk wrap dress with white speckles, the same black leather jacket from earlier, and bright white Adidas on her feet. She’s holding a black leather Yves Saint Laurent clutch, and the only reason Ben can clock the designer is that they dressed him for the Oscars.

It’s the perfect “flexing but not trying to hurt your feelings” outfit. He feels simultaneously under and overdressed for the dinner. Rey steps up to him and puts her clutch behind her back, revealing how short her dress is.

“Can I drive?”

He asks, “Good to drive?”

She cocks her head in confusion before saying, “Yes, I’m fine. No alcohol in me whatsoever.” That’s not what he’s referring to but what he’s talking about isn’t any of his business. Rey takes a deep breath before walking him to the garage, exiting from the inside of the house into the concrete garage. It’s a three-car capacity and completely full: one white Porsche Cayenne, one custom wrapped baby blue Range Rover, and a black Aston Martin Vantage.

He says, “God, you’ve got good taste.” Rey beams and blushes, grabbing the Range Rover keys and unlocks it.

They both get in and she adjusts her seat from what he assumes to be Rose driving it last. The cab is pristine white leather. She remarks as the car starts with a roar, “I want a Tesla, you know.”

Ben says, “I have one.” She looks so jealous and he smiles wide. 

“Black. She’s a good car.” 

“She?”

“You don’t name your cars?” 

“I name my cars. This one’s name is Bespin.” He recognizes the name as an old band.

“Why Bespin?”

Rey is exasperated as she backs out of her garage and waits for the gates to open, “Because if you’ve ever seen their album art, you would see it depicts a cloudy sort of hazy pink city in the sky. I had this wrapped in pale pink originally but the wrap got scratched.”

He holds up his hands in defense while she backs into the quiet residential street, “I don’t look at a lot of album art, or remember it. I remember more about movie shots.”

“Real film geek?”

“Obviously. I find that stuff fascinating given my line of work.”

She asks, “Have you ever contemplated doing fictional stuff instead of biographical?”

Ben confesses, “Yes and I have ideas, the problem is that I’m a shit writer and can’t execute them. I also haven’t found a writer I get along with well enough.” Rey exits the gate of the neighborhood.

“Where to? And also, you don’t have to rush into it.”

He thinks for a hot moment before answering, “Osteria Mozza is one of my fave places to go. Have you been there? Its Italian food.”

Rey picks up her phone and types it into Google Maps, “Sounds delicious.” The maps route and she turns her turn signal on to go left on the four-lane road. When there’s an open moment, she speeds out into the road and quickly switches lanes, making him white knuckle.

She drives like Snoke’s driver, aggressive and purposeful. Ben asks, “Play some music for me.” She conveniently rolls up to a stoplight and gets her phone out of her clutch bag. She plugs it in and picks a song.

_ Adore You  _ by Harry Skelyn plays over the surround speakers, also custom done. “I’ve got a thing for this guy. He doesn’t know I exist obviously but-”

_ Walk in your rainbow paradise _

_ Strawberry lipstick state of mind _

_ I get so lost inside your eyes _

_ Would you believe it? _

“I’m sure he knows who you are, Rey. He’d be a fool not to.”

She speeds up and switches lanes again, and he tries hard to ignore that he hates her driving. She’s singing under her breath and Ben says, “Belt it, I know you want to.”

She looks sheepish before her voice gets louder on the chorus, harmonizing along.

_ Oh, honey _

_ I'd walk through fire for you _

_ Just let me adore you _

_ Like it's the only thing I'll ever do _

He smiles, unable to help it or hide how enamored he is with her and her multitasking abilities. The way she shifts and shimmies in her seat to the beat while driving is a talent for sure. The song then ends and a new one comes on.

_ Anchor  _ by Novo Omor is a softer and more indie sounding song. Rey explains, “I listen to this sometimes when I can’t sleep.”

It feels so intimate to be listening to Rey’s nighttime thoughts in a beautiful song. 

_ And I hear your ship is comin' in _

_ Your tears a sea for me to swim _

_ And I hear a storm is comin' in _

_ My dear is it all we've ever been? _

She smiles to herself. “I have this on vinyl in Brooklyn. I should get one for LA.” They roll up to another stoplight and Rey reaches back to take out her hair. It’s such a tender gesture that he wants to catch on camera.

Ben knows he’s in trouble, that he’s falling into her spell. He never wants to get all rosy with a subject, and Snoke was not someone to get personal with. 

They’re close to the restaurant and he knows he needs to bring his a-game with this thing. 

Pasta is an important business, along with wooing subjects of your next Oscar-winner. 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

The place is swanky, and no one recognizes her so far. Ben has the decency to get the table and also ask for a little privacy. They get put in a two-top in the corner, candles and fresh flowers between them and she didn’t realize this would be so romantic.

The menus are set down, water poured, and they’re left alone before ordering. Rey looks up and Ben looks sheepish. “Kinda forgot about the flowers and candles.”

She admits, “I like it.” Ben looks relieved before looking at the menu. 

Rey then says, when looking at the menu, “This is my cheat day I guess.”

“I say you enjoy good food and say fuck it.” 

She shrugs, “You might be right.” Then she bites her lip and picks out the goat cheese ravioli as her meal. 

He asks, “Want to split a Smoked Mozzarella di Bufala?” He’s shoddy at Italian but the attempt was valiant. 

“What is that?”

“I’ve had it before, it’s prosciutto and mozzarella on a board.” 

She shrugs, “Sure, why not?” She pushes her hair back and views him with speculation, watching him read the menu like a scholar with a fine text. Rey swipes her thumb along the rim of her full water glass.

“So why did you want to have dinner with me?”

Ben looks up, “I needed to get you comfortable with me.”

She thinks almost regretfully,  _ I know a way we can get comfortable _ .

Refocusing on the table, she crosses her legs and sits back. “Have you listened to my music before?”

Ben gulps. Bad sign and she opens her mouth to change the subject before he speaks, “A little. I got to admit I prefer softer indie stuff than candy pop.” 

“I can respect that. Different strokes for different folks.”

“But I like you.”

She stares at him and he recovers, “I like your personality.”

“What about my face?” If Rey isn’t told she’s pretty by him, she might explode.

He laughs, “That too. Though I shouldn’t admit that, should I?”

Rey is ready to respond before the dark-skinned and drop-dead gorgeous waitress comes by. She doesn’t seem to recognize either of them, or she’s so used to LA bullshit and celebs. “My name is Tam and I’ll be your waitress for tonight. Can I get you anything else to drink to start?”

Rey says, “Just water.” She’s driving, and it’s already looking like she might pop a Xanax before the night is done, so she needs everything on her side.

“Johnnie Walker, rocks.” The refinement of just drinking straight whiskey makes her thighs press together under the table. 

Tam nods, snapping her notepad shut and smiling, “Gotcha on both. I’ll be back with your drinks.” She saunters away and Rey wants to chew on her acrylics like an untamed shrew. 

She opts for, “When you say you shouldn’t-”

“I shouldn’t. It would be easier if we didn’t.”

Rey probes, “Didn’t what?”

_ Do what adults do? _

It’s been a while since she’s fucked someone, but she knows for a fact that it’s not the right time. Rey needs to sow her wild oats and keep her eye on him, looking for non-abusive and fuckable material in the form of a six-foot-four man.

Ben sets his jaw, and it’s the hottest thing she’s seen. “Misbehave. It would be easier if we didn’t misbehave.”

Rey remarks, “Misbehaving is what makes the world go ‘round. It would make no change if everyone stayed in their lane.” 

Ben exhales and shakes out his hair, “Let’s make a deal.”

She asks, “A deal?”

Ben nods, “You get one time to do  _ adult  _ things with me with nothing attached. We forget all about it and go back to normal after you’re done.”

One time doesn’t seem like enough but Rey supposes she needs to take everything she can get. Including intimacy with someone who treats her like a normal human being.

“One time?”

“Just once.”

She nods her head to herself and then he says, “Though, it’s only fair that I get one time of my own as well, where I initiate. Wouldn’t you say that?”

She’d say more than that.

A lot more.

“I don’t get why you want to so bad.”

Rey downplays her want, “You’re huge and attractive to me. Otherwise, you’re a stuck up trust fund baby with no understanding of me.”

He seems to be not offended by this. That is until he opens his mouth and the facade fades away, “I don’t have a trust fund anymore, given I went to film school instead of a normal university. But no, I have no clue about you but what I know about you so far has been nothing but sunshine and rainbows.”

He goes on, “But that’s bullshit Rey because you’re deeply unhappy. It’s clear in your mannerisms you’re going through something harsh in your head that you won’t let anyone into.”

Getting shrunk over roses and candles feels like a slap in the face, but she can’t be upset because it’s true. All of it. “You want me to let you into my head?”

He shakes his head, “I want to be let into the parts that hurt the least, not the whole thing. There are some beautiful things in there that need to be kept secret.”

She sighs and puts her chin on her propped elbow, staring at him through thick painted lashes and pursing her red lips. “The beautiful things you’re talking about are the synapses that convince me you will kill me if you raise your voice. There’s nothing beautiful about that.”

He argues, “There’s also the songwriting abilities in your head. Your kindness, your drive. Your mind for aesthetic. There’s a lot more right with you than wrong with you if I say so myself.”

Tam comes back before she can speak again and she can already tell tonight will keep her on her toes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment, those are pretty sweet. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["endgame" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjOddwR4nqw)
> 
> [white nikes](https://www.goat.com/sneakers/wmns-air-force-1-high-white-334031-105?utm_source=google_int&utm_medium=google_shopping_int&utm_campaign=2070028993_82049328608&utm_content=368056751951_&utm_term=884499005612&gclid=Cj0KCQiAv8PyBRDMARIsAFo4wK1FSwBWhRUSxn5n1x801sn5cvHFTbCT9ElI1G-gEuH662-P3w6Ty4saAmG0EALw_wcB)  
> [chanel boy bag](https://www.fashionphile.com/chanel-lambskin-quilted-medium-boy-flap-black-461091?gclid=Cj0KCQiAnL7yBRD3ARIsAJp_oLbFgKmmXvVneI1IIQHxQdZOQQLG38eOpcA0tSQ-XLkOi0eynnTuSdIaAtlMEALw_wcB)  
> [leather jacket](https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/allsaints-dalby-leather-biker-jacket/5009153/lite?country=US&currency=USD&&mrkgcl=760&mrkgadid=3355612737&utm_content=85034446544&utm_term=aud-327479598175:pla-321556726556&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_lia&sp_source=google&sp_campaign=6512984596&rkg_id=0&adpos=&creative=383012492326&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&gclid=Cj0KCQiAnL7yBRD3ARIsAJp_oLYpeGQhRkmLO0dv-m5uZCIA49kYl9mGas2FZPRsrk2ZjDilNcuybeAaAvOSEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)  
> [skirt](https://www.thereformation.com/products/margot-skirt?color=Fruit+Salad&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM0)  
> [blue dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/honey-dress?color=Marion&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM0)  
> [white adidas](https://www.adidas.com/us/nmd_r1-shoes/EE5173.html)  
> [rey's house](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/9019-Elevado-St-West-Hollywood-CA-90069/20518276_zpid/)  
> [aston martin vantage](https://www.astonmartin.com/en-us/models/new-vantage)  
> [porsche cayenne](https://www.porsche.com/usa/models/cayenne/)  
> [osteria mozza](https://la.osteriamozza.com/menu/#dinner)  
> [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=AqtfBG2wSz23JgFq1mPVUQ)


	5. no man wants to really commit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben takes a bite, and she smiles at him, “It’s great, thank you for the suggestion.” 
> 
> He offers a small smile before taking another bite, and they leave the ice cream store without **looking at what greets them.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> paparazzi  
> an argument  
> medication taking  
> mental health problems  
> a panic attack

The goat cheese ravioli is delicious, every single bite a tender display of flavors that don’t overwhelm nor underwhelm. 

They eat the mozzarella and prosciutto off the board between them, Ben’s second whiskey rocks gone. The only thing left is the check, and Rey reaches for her clutch when it’s set down. She’s used to paying because of Fett, the man never paying from date one.

Maybe that was a sign. Or maybe the way he would treat people, gruff and rough, was another one. It’s hard to know what went wrong with him because she finds she’s still in love with little facets of him.

Her therapist says that loving her abuser is normal since people process those feelings differently. Rey just wants to be out of the phase where she forgets all the bad stuff, and more in a place where she can reflect and learn from it.

Ben clicks his tongue and puts a card down, “My pick, my treat. You can pay at a restaurant of your choosing next time.”

Rey flushes, “Even if its Postmates Tender Greens?”

“Even that. That’s especially delicious.” Rey smiles bashfully before Tam takes the check to process it. 

Ben then starts, “You know, there’s an ice cream place just two or three blocks down. I think some delicious dessert is in order.” She nods enthusiastically, brushing her hair out of her face. She put it in a half up and half down style to eat. Tam sets the check back down with two mints on top.

“I hope you two have a lovely night.” Tam smiles warmly at the two of them before taking their leave and Rey looks back to the check.

“Can I tip with cash?”

Ben looks up as he’s calculating the tip on the bill. “If you insist.” Rey reaches into her clutch for her wallet and pulls it out, pulling a crisp hundred-dollar bill out. Then she sets it on the tray, and Ben’s eyes pop wide.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been out to eat and she made it easy.” 

Ben shrugs, “It’s very generous of you. Good on you.” She shrugs, having enough money to burn. She’s smart with her money thanks to her moms, teaching her the importance of a dollar and wisely investing. It’s why her cars are a model year or two back, why she invested in solar panels for her West Hollywood home to keep costs down.

They both get up and Ben walks beside her and out of the restaurant, luckily greeted by no fanfare. Ben turns right, and she follows behind, watching him walk ahead of her. He walks like he has something huge between his legs, and she wants to see it as soon as possible. 

Not tonight though, not when she has red lipstick on or the weather is below a sixty-eight percent humidity. She needs any excuse she can get. 

She can’t kiss Ben Solo, not willing to infringe on his offer so soon.

He looks back and asks, “So what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” 

Rey answers, “Sometimes my moms made ice cream for me before I moved out, oatmeal raisin cookie to be exact. It had these huge chunks of cookies in vanilla ice cream. It was so good, I can never replicate it.”

Ben hums, “This place has a frosted animal cookie flavor. It’s amazing.” 

She walks closer to him and smiles to herself. “Sounds perfect.”

The ice cream shop is a trendy white palace with light wood floors and a glass front. It’s crowded inside and Ben lets her walk in first and get in the line. He gets beside her, blocking her from view.

They wait in line in mostly silence, Ben on his phone and typing away. “Get any documentary offers lately?”

He says, “Gobs and gobs. None that can take my attention from yours.” Then he brushes his hair from his face and she swallows the nervous lump in her throat. What if he drops her project? 

He then says, “It’s a curse, not being able to be consumed by multiple endeavors equally. I think any artist would agree.” She nods.

“Sometimes I want to release multiple albums at a time based on my feelings.” Rey watches the line move forward a bit and steps forward.

“How do you write your songs normally?” She feels comfortable with this question, used to it. 

She replies, “Uh, lots of voice recordings and guitar chords. Not necessarily in interchangeable order.” Then she steps up to the cases of ice cream and Ben gets up close behind her to view the flavors. His proximity feels better than sex and she wants him to stay. She can’t ask for such a thing from a man, so established. Some higher power put together Rey like a bad puzzle set by her own fucked up design. Rey will never be enough, she knows so.

“What can I get you?” The ice cream pulls her from her self loathing and she points to the frosted animal cookie flavor.

“That one, please. One scoop in a cup is fine.” 

Ben steps up next to her, “Make it two. She deserves it.”

Then he orders, “Two scoops of the same.” He’s reaching for his wallet in his back pocket.

She tuts, “My turn to pay.” Then she moves down the line as the girl on the other side scoops the ice cream and puts it in the cup. Then she hands it over and Rey steps up to pay. It’s cheap as hell and she barely even thinks about paying for it as she does. 

Then she takes a bite of the ice cream as she waits for him, enjoying the creamy vanilla flavor with the bites of animal cookies. It’s delicious and she’ll take vats of this stuff.

Ben takes a bite, and she smiles at him, “It’s great, thank you for the suggestion.” 

He offers a small smile before taking another bite, and they leave the ice cream store without looking at what greets them.

Two things happen. 

Flashbulbs pop in her eyes, paparazzi waiting outside like vultures prepared to pick the popstar clean. 

The other thing is a jacket going over her head and she's being grabbed around her waist by Ben Solo.

This is not how she wanted it to happen the first time and panic runs hot in her veins as she trembles. She can't see through the dark fabric and it's sensory overload with all the angry yelling to "remove the fucking jacket" and touching from Ben.

He asks, "Permission to pick you up? I could guide you out but…"

Rey stutters and Ben does it anyway, being careful with her dress as he throws her over his shoulder and starts _running_ back to the car. The jostling hurts her back, and she finds tears slipping down her cheeks, his feet pounding the pavement.

This is beyond embarrassing for her, and the panic overtaking her body feels like zaps of electricity that make her fingers go numb. Ben takes her purse from her when they arrive at her car, setting her on her feet and Rey can’t help her churning stomach anymore; she vomits into his jacket. He quickly rips it off and hyperventilates into her hands while trying not to puke again.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, breathe for me.” The car unlocks, and he rips open the door, and Rey bolts to get in, scrambling into the passenger seat and curling up into herself while beginning to rock. Ben slams the door, and he gets in the driver’s seat, starting the car with a roar.

She clicks her seatbelt on and he speeds out into the street with white knuckles on the steering wheel. Rey can’t breathe, and she’s rifling through her clutch bag for her inhaler or a Xanax or anything that’ll bring her down.

“I saved the ice cream at least.” Rey hadn’t even noticed the two ice creams, perfectly intact in the cup holders. She must’ve dropped hers since it looks a little lopsided. 

“I don’t think they got anything good of your face.”

Rey shakes her head as she finally plucks one Xanax from a pocket and swallows it down dry. “They got you with your hands on me and us out to dinner. That’s enough.” Her hands won’t stop shaking and she finds her eyes shutting.

He starts, “Rey-”

“We shouldn’t have gone out. You just won an Oscar, I’m a pop star. This would never...” She shakes her head and tears continue to roll down her cheeks. 

“Would never what?” Rey doesn’t answer him, screwing her head to look out the window.

The drive is quiet after that, almost as if it’s carrying the dead.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rose is waiting outside with his backpack and camera when they arrive, and Ben doesn’t even bother pulling into the garage. He cuts the engine, a lump in his throat as he gets out with Rey. Her breathing has evened out with whatever pill she’s taken.

Rey walks into Rose’s arms and sobs louder than she has been in the car. Her body trembles as Rose’s arms wrap around her. Ben struggles to breathe watching her, the way she whimpers and whines.

He really thought whining like that would come out in a much better bedroom situation, not at having her year-long break compromised by his insolence to go out. 

Rose says, “Ben, I think it’s better if you leave.”

Ouch.

He nods and his heart palpitates; the world tapdancing on the strings holding him whole. He gets out his phone and calls for a Lyft. Rose says, “You must go outside of the gates for it.”

He can’t help but snap, “I’m aware.” Rose takes this more gracefully than he would’ve just leading Rey inside and slamming the door. He picks up his backpack and camera bag, looking at the house and wishing he were welcome.

Rage boils in his veins instead, and he walks out of the gate.

He doesn’t want to know what the media will look like tomorrow.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey can’t sleep.

Mainly because she’s been on Twitter all night, on her private lurk account that she uses to look and like fans creations on, along with her own affinity for man candy.

The paparazzi photos are everywhere, her fans reveling or sharpening their pitchforks at the invasion of privacy. Some people just don’t care about her feelings or how terrified she looks. They’d rather just see their fave, no matter the cost of their sanity.

She’s struggling to shave her legs at three in the morning when she finds herself dialing for Ben. The last she saw him was in the car, too preoccupied with falling apart on Rose to see how he was feeling. 

She can tell he’s unhappy based on how he answers the phone with a, “What.” There’s loud music in the back and he’s breathing hard. “I’m sorry for-”

“Rey, why are you apologizing to me?”

Rey says, a little thrown off given the hour and how tired she is, “Because my status ruined our date.”

“Date?”

Oh.

Oh shit.

“I meant dinner, I’m sorry-”

Ben says, “Yeah, well, I’m good with being just friends. Really.”

Even though she wanted nothing more besides sex once and friendship, the way he says it still stings like a slap. What if she _craved_ something more? Sure it’s early, but she’s been known to fall face-first into love like a swimming pool.

Ben Solo is a fucking jackass.

She snaps before ending the call, “Maybe I don’t want to be with you. Maybe I don’t even want to be friends with you.” 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Ben had been punching the bag in his basement when she had called, so maybe that’s why everything came out like a surly asshole.

He regrets saying _that_ ; and he regrets it so much that he didn’t sleep. The dark circles are strong beneath his eyes as he looks in the rearview mirror of the Tesla Model S he drives. The interior is a deep charcoal black with carbon fiber interior. It’s a sexy car that he allows no one to eat in.

He’s driving to Rey’s place, having called Rose. Thank god she’s oblivious to Rey hating him this morning, and she will let him into the gates.

Maybe the most extra thing is the box of chocolates on the seat, right next to a bouquet of white daisies; the friendship flower according to the overworked Ralphs florist. Ben thinks she’ll probably toss them back at him and tell him to fuck off, but it's worth a shot.

He comes up to her gate, in the swanky neighborhood she calls home. Pressing the call box, the gate dings and opens only a few seconds later. He speeds up inside and parks his car, staring at the garage door while taking deep breaths. 

This is the not so fun part: encountering the girl you so sarcastically and rudely told you wanted to be friends. No wonder she didn’t believe it, Solo snark cursing him once more. It’s lost him plenty of relationships before. 

He gets out of the car, making it a point not to bring the camera as he grabs the chocolates and bouquet. Then he walks to the front door, taking a deep breath before knocking. Three raps on the door get Rose to scurry in view of the windows and open it up.

She looks him up and down, “Hey! Come in.” He does as she bids and wanders in, holding the gifts tight.

Rose says, “She’s having a meeting with Luke in her bedroom, but she’ll be out in a moment.” That makes him want to run and get his camera, especially after last night. He refrains though and Rose offers out her hands.

“I can take those for you-”

“I want to give them myself.”

Rose nods, a little shocked, before heading upstairs and leaving him in the foyer. Ben plops down on the bench used to take shoes off, and listens as the door upstairs opens up.

He hears Rey first, "I just don't know about going out in public again."

Luke says, "You will have to let the public know you're alive before the album comes out." 

“They know now. Can’t I hide more?” Rey comes into view in the stairway and she’s wearing a robe and long sweatshirt, Ben standing up. 

Luke grabs her shoulder gently and she sighs heavily, resigned. Luke hammers the last nail in the coffin, “Post on social media. Allow Ben to film you, make your music. It’s time to come back into the fray and make your fans happy.”

Then he walks past Rey and passes Ben. Not without looking him up and down, sneering at his gestures of friendship, “You’re just like your father.” 

Ben tries very hard not to flinch and Luke leaves the house. Rey walks down the stairs, and gazes at him with her arms crossed over her chest. Ben gulps and takes a long moment to collect himself.

Then he says, “I want to be friends.”

Rey responds, “Me too. But also I’m not friends with people who are assholes.” 

Ben says, “I was angry about what happened so I was punching the bag. I wasn’t thinking about my attitude.” She takes the flowers and chocolates and walks to the open concept kitchen. He follows behind.

She brushes her hair out of her face and Ben sits on a barstool. “I’m angry too.”

Ben opens his mouth, but she continues, “Someone at the restaurant must’ve tipped them off. There’s no other explanation.” She fills a vase with water, dumping in the flower food and beginning to cut the stems at a forty-five-degree angle. 

Rey then says, "I've spent my whole life making people happy when all they've done is leave. I thought you were leaving me."

That makes him think. Once the stems are cut, and the food dissolved in the water, she drops the stems in the water and arranges them carefully. Ben says, “I hope you find a way to be yourself someday, without bending over backward."

Rey looks up, and he recovers, “I want to go out again. If you’re willing.”

Taking a deep breath, she brushes through the ends of her hair.

That’s when she says, “I’m willing.”

He can’t help the smile spreading across his face. He can’t help loving hers as well.

“Prepared to film today, then?”

“I’m not a hundred percent on board but…what choice do I have?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment, those are sick as fuck. thoughts and feelings welcome on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah).
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["still learning" by halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDgcS1kVP0A)
> 
> [rey's dress (in blue)](https://www.thereformation.com/products/honey-dress?color=Marion&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM0)   
>  [frosted animal cookie ice cream (eat it bc im dairy free and i miss it)](https://www.kleinworthco.com/circus-animal-cookie-ice-cream/)   
>  [rey's cute robe](https://www.agentprovocateur.com/us_en/fay-long-kimono-purple)   
>  [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd)


	6. it's blue (the feeling i've got)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She enters first, and he can hear a bass loaded beat that he immediately bobs his head to.
> 
> Rey is in the booth and he can hear her singing over the loudspeaker. He focuses the camera on her through the glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> abusive ex-boyfriends  
> getting drunk  
> reference to past abuse   
> an anxiety attack  
> an asthma attack

Filming her with a DSLR is easier than a huge camera. She comes alive beneath it, in beautiful 4K and image stabilization technology.

Today is a day where they’re meeting at a recording studio in West Hollywood, Rose saying that she finally sparked inspiration late that night and scheduled time there. She had been playing around on the piano while he was importing footage the night before.

That had been something he wanted to get on camera but he figures there are plenty of times where he can capture it. They seem to be on even ice, not thin nor a safe thick; they’re not falling through but he wouldn’t skate on it. 

He finds a safe place to park his Tesla and pulls the backpack from the trunk. The camera is tucked safely inside and he starts the process of getting a lens onto the body of the camera. He then puts it on its gimbal and quickly closes the trunk and begins walking.

The studio isn’t very far away from where he’s parked, and he spots Rose sitting outside. She’s smoking something he can’t identify. She quickly stomps on it when he comes up and smiles brightly. “Hello! You look well-rested.”

Ben shrugs, “I did get home at a reasonable hour. Didn’t edit for once.”

Rose says, “You edit?”

Ben swallows, “Yeah, very rough editing, like placing clips where I want them to see how they flow.” Rose leads him into the recording studio, down the hall to a door at the end of the hallway. 

She enters first, and he can hear a bass loaded beat that he immediately bobs his head to.

Rey is in the booth and he can hear her singing over the loudspeaker. He focuses the camera on her through the glass.

_ You are somebody that I don't know _

_ But you're taking shots at me like it's Patrón _

_ And I'm just like, damn, it's 7 AM _

_ Say it in the street, that's a knock-out _

_ But you say it in a Tweet, that's a cop-out _

_ And I'm just like, "Hey, are you okay?" _

She’s wearing overalls, large headphones in her ears. A creamy pink sweater reading  _ “Big Sports Fan” _ is on beneath and this is the first time he’s wanted to unsnap a pair of denim overalls to see what’s beneath. Ben films her still.

_ And I ain't tryna mess with your self-expression _

_ But I've learned a lesson that stressin' and obsessin' 'bout somebody else is no fun _

**_And snakes and stones never broke my bones_ **

She practically yells the last line, before stepping away from the podium and holding a piece of paper with what he assumes to be the lyrics. Rey then opens up the door and the girl at the mixing board says, “I liked that.”

Rey says, “One of the lyrics doesn’t roll off the tongue well.”

Then she looks at him, “Hi Ben.” 

Ben pauses the recording for a moment, “Hi. I really liked that. What are you going to call it?”

Rey replies, “Dunno. If I can ever figure out the fucking chorus.” She moves past him and gestures to the girl at the mixing board.

“This is Kaydel, my better music half.” 

Kaydel blushes deep and Rey goes on, “She literally can do everything these hotshot producer boys can, thirty-fold.” 

Kaydel rolls her eyes, “Quit it, goddess.” Rey leans over and kisses her on the cheek, red lipstick transferring. Then Rey brushes her hair out of her face and plops down, Ben unpausing the recording and refocusing on her.

“Let’s figure out this chorus, huh?”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Ben is quiet as the song comes together. 

He’s hard to miss given that he’s huge and follows her around on occasion. Sometimes he even comes into the booth with her to get the perfect shot.

She can’t hate him for it. He just wants to make it perfect. 

Rey swallows down tea with her mucus and phlegm that she produces when she sings too much. Ben focuses the camera on her as the beat plays in her ears and she opens her mouth to sing.

_ You are somebody that we don't know _

_ But you're comin' at my friends like a missile _

_ Why are you mad? _

_ When you could be GLAAD? _

_ Sunshine on the street at the parade _

_ But you would rather be in the dark age _

_ Just making that sign must've taken all night _

Rey coughs after the verse and holds up her hand for it to stop in her ears. Then she looks back at Ben and offers him a smile. He asks, “What’s GLAAD?”

Rey says, “It’s the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. I want to do a campaign for them but I-”

She doesn’t know if she knows him well enough to reveal that facet of herself; the facet that loves girls along with boys but is scared to admit bisexuality in fear of being outed to the world. It hurts to say, “I don’t think they take allies.”

Ben watches her before she turns back around and looks at the piece of paper with the scribbled down lyrics on it. Then she takes it with her as she walks out of the booth to listen to whatever Kaydel has laid down on her vocals.

Listening to herself is her least favorite part of this, but she does it anyway. Then critiques, “Too pitchy.” 

“You always say that when it’s not true but ignore it when it is true. Why is that?” She rolls her eyes at Kaydel and then looks to Rose.

Rose asks, “Do you need anything else from me?”

Rey shakes her head, “Go ahead and take the car home, I can call a driver-”

Ben interrupts, “I’ll drive her home.” Rey looks back at him and he offers her a small smile.

Rey looks back to Rose and says, “Yeah, he’ll drive me home.” 

God knows she’d love that.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey doesn’t finish the song, but she comes close. It’s a valiant effort for most people though and Ben holds the door open for her as she walks out while talking to Kaydel about coordinating a time to meet up within the next week. 

He finds out she’s headed to Malibu that way, and he asks, “Malibu, huh?”

Rey looks over as they begin the walk to his Tesla, “Yeah, seeing my moms.”

He asks, “Can I come?”

Rey looks him up and down and he recovers, “To film. I think the public would want to see you acting a little childlike.”

“I sleep with stuffed animals, isn’t that enough?” He laughs and the Tesla unlocks as he comes close it, set to automatically do it from the app. He pops the trunk for their bags and starts to take apart the camera in the cargo area. He’s careful about it, given it’s a new purchase.

“You know what I haven’t done in a while?”

He looks back at her and she says, “Gone to a bar and just had a drink.”

Ben straightens up and puffs out his chest a little. He doesn’t know why he feels the sudden need to impress her. Maybe it’s because he’s fucked up in the past but he finds himself saying, “Would you like to go to one?”

She nods, “With you.”

He doesn’t want to know why he’s a qualifier nor does he really care. “Let’s go then. Get in.” She does as she’s told and they both duck into the car. Luckily he didn’t get ticketed, or that would be an embarrassment on his shiny Tesla. It would be like that time where it was booted when coming back from a date.

Rey is looking around the car, “I want one.”

He says, “Do you? Most people roast them within an inch of their life. But you can order it online if you really want it.” 

Then he waits for her seatbelt to click and for her to adjust. “Maybe I will at the bar.”

Ben asks, “You have enough in your bank account to order a car?”

Rey shrugs, “Yeah. Royalties pay.” Brushing her hair out of her face, she grabs the iPhone cord to plug in her phone. 

“Can I play music?”

He nods and she puts on one of her own songs,  _ Alone _ .

_ Said he tried to phone me _

_ But I never have time _

_ He said that I never listen _

_ But I don't even try _

_ I got a new place in Cali But I'm gone every night _

_ So I fill it with strangers so they keep 'em alive _

He asks, “So why do you listen to your own tracks?”

Rey takes a deep breath, “Reflection.”

_ I know you're dying to meet me _

_ But I can just tell you this _

_ Baby, as soon as you meet me _

_ You'll wish that you never did _

Rey strokes through her hair and Ben gets the message easily. “I want to meet you.”

She looks over and he keeps focused on the road, “I would love to meet the real you.”

Rey mumbles, “To exploit it.”

“Either you want the public to love you or you want them to get out of your face. You can’t have it both ways, you know.” 

Rey says, “I want the relationship you have with the media. No frills, necessary.” Ben pulls over to park on Sunset Blvd, packed with bars for people her age. Not so much his thirty-two-year-old status. Rey looks around and he gets out to pay the meter, watching her warily get out of the car out of the corner of her eye. 

Once he’s done paying the meter, he walks back to his trunk and pops it, grabbing his bag and rifling through it for a black beanie. Then he puts it on her head, adjusting the cap every which way until the Carhartt logo faces out. 

She says, “Good call since my hair is so recognizable.” 

“Don’t be a dick, let’s go.” He begins to walk and Rey follows beside him, shoving her hands in her pockets as they walk down the block to the Viper Room. Maybe it’s not the best idea to take a popstar to the Viper Room after a famous person OD’ed there. But she’s not apart of the twenty-seven club and she carries no white lighters that he knows of. He just has to keep her away from a tub, if there is one.

“If we’re seen together again it’s the nail in the coffin you know.”

Ben raises his eyebrows, “What’s the nail?”

“Everyone’s going to think we’re in a relationship.”

Ben shrugs, “So we don’t let them see us. Or you stop playing coy for once and confirm your lack of one.”

They hop into line for the Viper Room and she pouts, “That requires being articulate. A skill I don’t have.”

He groans, “Bullshit. You have plenty of skills in being articulate, I wouldn’t talk to you otherwise.” He pays for both of their covers and they enter into the eighties decor of the Viper Room. Some Jim Morisson Tribute is playing on stage and this place is his type of speed.

He leads her to the bar, finding only one seat. Rey sits delicately, and Ben gets the bartender’s attention. Rey orders, “Vodka tonic.”

Ben feels complimentary in his own order, “Gin and tonic.” Then he hands over a card to open a tab, knowing the night is about to drag on.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey gets shit faced. 

Ben doesn’t, given he’s driving, but she’s giggling and stumbling slightly as they leave the third bar for the night. Ben is being a judgy bitch, “Okay Miss Liquor.”

She says, “I'm always waiting for you just to cut to the bone.”

Then something pops like a spark in her head, a song germinating like a new seed. She stops in the middle of the sidewalk and Ben stops with her. “What is it?”

She talks through, “So cut the headlights, summer's a knife. I'm always waiting for you just to cut to the bone.” Then she’s ripping her phone out of her chest pocket and pressing voice record, beginning to sing close to the microphone.

_ Devils roll the dice _

_ Angels roll their eyes _

_ And if I bleed _

_ You'll be the last to know _

She pauses to search for words but the verse comes together like a beautiful picture. Then Rey drops her phone back in her pocket and Ben looks impressed. “I like it. Album worthy?”

Rey nods, “Just for the “devils roll the dice” line.” Ben nods and they keep walking, and they’re definitely headed to the car. She isn’t sad about that in the slightest.

“I had fun tonight, you know. You made me feel normal for once.” She’s used to having to bring security to the bar when she wants to go, and that’s just no fun as a grown woman who wants her privacy.

Ben nods, “Anything to make you happy, honestly.”

She asks, “Make me happy?”

Ben opens up the Tesla door for her and she says, like a good girl, “Thank you.”

Something different happens then. He squats down on the curb and reaches out to feel along her jaw. Rey leans into his touch and he says, “God damn it. You can’t just look like that.” She can’t help her deep flush, even deeper than the drunken one across her sweater covered chest. 

“What happens if I do?”

He says, “Indecent things. But not tonight.” Then he lets go of her and shuts the door, leaving her in the car to stare straight ahead at the car ahead. Ben gets in then.

She clarifies, “But you’re saying some other night.”

“I’m saying that if you want to get away from your mommies in Malibu tomorrow, you’ll come to my room.”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

The driver will be at her home in fifteen and Ben is still not there.

They had made an arrangement that he would park at her place and drive up to Malibu with them. Rey knows her moms are going to offer him a place to stay, just like with Rose. Rose is staying behind, wanting to take a few PTO days and watch the house. 

Rey is still madly packing a Gucci weekender with tigers printed on the sides. It’s a gorgeous bag that she forgot in LA. Tight leggings wrap around her thighs and her phone is in the leg pocket on the side of her thigh. 

Rose calls from downstairs, “Rey?! Ben’s here!” Rey bolts for her bedroom door and opens it up, peeking out and watching him walk up the stairs. He looks up from his phone and smiles at her and like a stupid idiot, she smiles back.

“Almost ready?” The camera is in his hand and she bites her lip.

“Nearly. We need to talk about filming my moms.”

He plops down on her bed, “I’m all ears.

“Only good angles and I want as much privacy as possible. Which means the little the footage, the better. They think I’m hair-brained for this documentary.”

Ben nods, “So don’t film a lot?” 

“You’ll get more footage of them on tour.” Rey hears her phone vibrate and casually picks it up, looking at the screen.

* * *

**| Fett - 9:03 AM |**

you better not mention me in this documentary or ill tell everyone that you cheated on me.

* * *

Her throat begins to close and she sets the phone down in an effort to ignore it. 

Who told Fett about the documentary? Better yet, who told him she was going to talk about him? Fett is still a “no, please don’t” subject in her cerebrum, PTSD symptoms rocking a simple mention. 

There’s no way she can talk about him. Especially when he’s threatening to tell people she cheated, a fact that’s not even true.

Ben seems to notice her beginning panic, “What’s up?”

Rey thrusts the phone at him and holds her throat tight. Ben reads the text, guffaws, and tosses the phone on the bed. “Fuck that guy.”

Through the closing of her throat, “I didn’t cheat-”

“No, I know that. You don’t have the temperament to cheat. We can protect you and sue for defamation or reframe it so the audience doesn’t know who he is.” She feels as if she’s drowning and grabs for her inhaler on her nightstand. Taking a puff, she inhales and feels her throat force open.

Wheezing, “I don’t think I should-”

“Rey, did he hurt you?”

That gives her pause and Ben goes on to say, “You’re shaking like a leaf, did something happen? I won’t press on it if something-”

She interrupts, “I don’t think I’m ready to divulge something like that to you, so could you please back off?”

Ben holds up his hands. “Sorry. Backing off now. I’ll be downstairs.” 

Luckily he does as he says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment if you liked, i thrive off those. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["cruel summer" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRwy8FyH8ik)
> 
> [rey's sweater](https://www.wildfox.com/products/somss-bigsportsfan-cobra)   
>  [beanie](https://www.carhartt.com/products/Acrylic-Watch-Hat-A18?s_kwcid=google!pla!836907732!4759558!A_A18_BRN__OFA!831409780464&cid=google_pla_A_A18_BRN__OFA&c3api=1539,86344439188,381487100625&gclid=Cj0KCQiAqY3zBRDQARIsAJeCVxPtl8vFmJigP7RXORzmPHh2FGRmnGaZ-BSkX0MCL-Nd3MrQNGyWZpUaAoHWEALw_wcB)   
>  [overalls](https://www.levi.com/US/en_US/apparel/clothing/bottoms/vintage-overalls/p/853150001?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&adpos=&camp=PLA*EC*US*EN*71700000039128118*pla*goog**:92700052231982355:LEVI&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhojzBRC3ARIsAGtNtHUzaydgLMPtD2a8mOqU9PL9PtVAsi1-nhKHbOVwlRuiANK0UQUUyBAaAoVsEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)   
>  [the viper room](http://www.viperroom.com/)   
>  [rey's gucci duffle](https://www.gucci.com/us/en/pr/men/bags-for-men/travel-duffle-bags-for-men/gucci-bestiary-carry-on-duffle-with-tigers-p-478323G02AN8992?position=11&listName=ProductGrid&categoryPath=Men/Bags-for-Men/Travel-Duffle-Bags-for-Men)   
>  [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=GPOUxGtOQjmGYrz5aPF47A)
> 
> songs featured in this chapter  
> ["alone" by halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3jkwj90c6U)  
> ["you need to calm down" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWtfOHBF1_w)  
> ["cruel summer" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRwy8FyH8ik)


	7. x marks the spot where we fell apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wasn’t pushing you, I was just wondering if I was completely out of bounds.” 
> 
> She promises as she looks over, “You weren’t. I’m just chicken-”
> 
> “I wouldn’t say knowing what you want is chicken.” The ocean waves crash in her ears, and she refocuses on the ocean.
> 
> **“Even as a friend, I don’t want to hurt you as he did.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> they talk about fett, who's a physically, emotionally, and (by most arguments) sexual abuser. they also talk about his abuse in a little bit of detail  
> alcohol drinking  
> drug abuse reference in a lyric  
> reference to having a baby with someone in a lyric

Ben knew that as soon as he said it, he was overstepping his boundaries.

He protects the subjects of his documentaries in any way he can, and he just wanted Rey to know that. Instead, he’s alienated her, made it so she’s far away on the other side of the car and looking out the window as they drive to Malibu.

AirPods are in her ears and he wants to yank one out and ask if he can kill this guy named Fett. From what he’s looked up on his phone, their breakup was messy. Rey never commented on the bruises the public saw her within the days after. 

He wants to crack his skull open and stare at his brains like a fine painting. Ben wants to tell her this, to quell her anxiety about him. He wants to whisper,  _ “I’ll never hurt you like he did.” _

All of that is over the line though and she sighs to herself while taking out her AirPods. Ben looks away, but it’s too late, “Something on my face?”

He shakes his head. “I just wanted to apologize for bringing up stuff. You clearly still struggle with it and it was insolent of me.”

She says, “No harm done. Everything I’m about to say is off the record and will never go in the documentary.” He nods and leans closer to her.

She starts, “Fett and I met when I did the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. He apparently was dating another model unbeknownst to me, but couldn’t keep his eyes off me. He talked to me that night, asked about the weather, complimented my outfit. He was charming, quiet, rugged you know?”

Ben isn’t rugged but what does that matter? She’s probably not looking for rugged in a potential fuck partner anymore. 

She continues, “He was...sweet. They always are at first, like I’m some kind of breakup songwriting time bomb. I used to be but not anymore. Then he wasn’t sweet anymore.” 

Then her face grows somber, and she visibly swallows down. “One night I came home, and he was drunk. He knows how I feel about excessive drinking; it’s a sore spot. He didn’t care. That was the first time he ever hit me.” 

Ben is ready to find this man and hurt him, holding his hands together so they don’t shake. 

“It didn’t stop. He would grab me by my arm in front of people, bruise me so they knew not to touch me. I was his property instead of my own person. He told me I wasn’t thin enough, that I would never be like his model ex-girlfriends.” 

Rey cocks her head and says, “One night though, I fought back. I scratched his cornea and spit at him, and he broke my nose. We had to go to the hospital, it was a wonder the hospital kept it quiet. We told them we got jumped.”

“The sex was also demeaning. He would make me do things like uh-”

Ben interrupts, “You don’t have to tell me.”

She nods her head and goes on, “I broke up with him a lot. He would never get the hint, always in New York the next day and begging for me back. He was so good at begging and crying.”

He mumbles, “That’s typically how abuse works.” He knows from Snoke, from having to grovel in his office to let him continue after he misfilmed one thing. He knows from the words spit at him by the man. Your brain on abuse is a funny thing.

She whispers, “Yeah I know that now.” They pull off onto a street and the car slows down in front of a bright white row-house looking structure. It bunts up to the ocean on the other side and he sees the gates to the driveway open.

Ben readies his camera and Rey looks noticeably nervous. He reassures, “I’ll only film ten or fifteen seconds.” Then the car pulls into the driveway and Rey picks up her duffle bag at her feet. Ben picks up his as well and gets out of the car as soon as it stops and parks. 

Two women are leaving the house, peering at him and then furrowing their brows at his camera. He offers an awkward wave, and he films Rey getting out of the car, noticing her moms, and running at them to encompass them both into a hug. 

The darker-skinned woman rubs her back while the Asian woman holds her head in the crook of her neck. Ben cuts the camera and strides over, still keeping his distance. The darker-skinned woman pulls away first, holding out her hand. “Maz.” 

He shakes it, “Ben Solo. I’m doing the documentary-” 

“I could gather. Would you like something to drink inside?” Rey is still hugging whom he assumes to be Ahsoka. Ben nods and follows her into the home, marveling at the stone flooring and the white walls. He films a bit of B-Roll as he walks, a few family photos of Rey at fifteen and with her new moms. There are a lot of pictures of Rey now that he looks, obviously proud parents.

He follows Maz into the kitchen and there’s a cheese board and two glasses of wine on the counter. “I didn’t know if you were a wine or whiskey type.” 

Ben replies, “Whiskey.” 

Maz answers, “Smart man.” She gets out two tumbler glasses and circular shaped ice molds, pouring him a whiskey on the rocks. She then slides the glass to him as Rey and Ahsoka enter the room.

She’s saying, “I was in the studio yesterday, it was going well.” Then she picks up the glass of red wine and Ahsoka does the same. She’s the same height as her, while Maz is significantly more petite than all of them. 

Maz remarks, “I swear you seem to do better in California studios than New York studios.”

This is classic parent manipulation, trying to get their baby closer to them. Rey says, “Most of it will get done in New York. I write better there.” She watches Ben drink then, and she then casts her eyes away.

Ahsoka then asks, “Ben, I’m Ahsoka. It’s nice to finally meet you and not stalk your Wikipedia page.” 

He chokes on his alcohol and Rey whines, “Mom.”

Ahsoka goes on, “Anyone famous who gets near my child gets the Wikipedia check and a full background check. I’m shocked that no arrests came from your documentary stuff.”

He murmurs, “Got my records sealed for the climate change protest I filmed and got arrested at.” That had been a process; it hadn’t been a felony, only disturbing the peace.

Ahsoka says, “At least he admits his very valiant arrest for climate change. I like you already.” 

At least he’s impressed the mothers.

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They eat delivered Chinese food, Rey picking through her drunken noodles and trying to portion it out so she doesn’t completely fuck up her healthy eating streak.

That goes well for five minutes until she starts to just wolf down the food, not wanting to go hungrier than she has before. Ben is eating cashew chicken across from her, his legs taking up her space. He’s drinking another whiskey and she tries not to mind, knowing he can probably handle his liquor better than most.

He wouldn’t drink if he couldn’t, would he?

Rey clears the table with Maz, putting her leftovers in the fridge and cracking open a fortune cookie in the white galley kitchen. 

The fortune reads: _ For hate is never conquered by hate. Hate is conquered by love.  _

She stares at it before tossing the piece of paper and the cookie in the garbage, Ben walking past her. He puts his empty takeout container in the trash. She asks, "Do you want a fortune cookie?"

Ben shakes his head, "They're a crock of shit."

She nods, "Agreed." Then she takes a deep breath, feeling icky down to her toes from all the wine and MSG she's consumed. Ben looks at her and steps closer to her. 

“I was thinking about going on a walk on the beach.” 

She asks, “Can I join you?”

Ben nods and then she turns away from him, slightly twirling in the lilac and rose printed off the shoulder dress she put on for dinner. It’s a mini dress, revealing a lot of leg. She grabs her Birkenstocks and a pastel rainbow knit cardigan she left in the hall closet and walks back into the kitchen where Ben waits. Grabbing the half drank bottle of wine, she says, “Let’s go.” 

She leads the way outside, onto the sand where a few lawn chairs sit. She keeps walking, and he follows behind. Rey swigs from the bottle as she walks, and Ben walks beside her.

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”

She looks over and he goes on, “About what you went through with that monster. I think you should expose him, Rey.” 

She shakes her head and drinks again at the mere thought. “He would thrive off the attention. Besides, no one would believe me. No one ever believes a battered woman.”

Ben touches her gently on the shoulder and she flinches. He removes his hand, and she turns around, stepping very close to him. “I don’t want him to be a part of my story. My abuser has already taken so much of me. Not my story, please.” 

She sighs and takes two long glugs. Then she offers out the bottle and Ben takes it and swigs from it. He then says, “I promise I won’t pursue exposing him.”

She nods and begins walking again, playing with the sleeves of her dress and plopping down in the sand and kicking her legs out. Ben sits next to her and he hands her the bottle. She refuses it and he sets it aside, balancing it in the sand. They’re close to the view of the house and she couldn’t care less who could be watching.

“Did you think about what I told you last night?” 

Rey thought about writing the song she started, but his reminder that he would fuck her  _ once  _ sticks in her cerebrum. She nods and regretfully says, “Not when I’ve had this much wine.”

“I wasn’t pushing you, I was just wondering if I was completely out of bounds.” 

She promises as she looks over, “You weren’t. I’m just chicken-”

“I wouldn’t say knowing what you want is chicken.” The ocean waves crash in her ears, and she refocuses on the ocean.

“Even as a friend, I don’t want to hurt you as he did.”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey always sleeps better in a place like her parent’s house. The familiarity, the security, the aluminum bat underneath her bed that she can wallop intruders with.

She hums and takes the stairs one at a time to the kitchen. Her mothers are in the breakfast nook, reading their respective book or paper. Rey’s influx of fame and money has allowed Maz to retire from medicine and own a bar along the Pacific Coast Highway, Takodana. Ahsoka is still working in being an Editor for a local paper, taking up sword fighting on the weekends.

Rey asks, “Where’s Ben?”

Ahsoka points behind her to the door to get out onto the beach, and it’s a sight to behold. She spies Ben running across the sand, back and forth with his shirt off. He’s sculpted to the gods, with a thick chest and defined abs. He’s got ankle weights on as he runs along with the resistance from the sand, and she can see him huffing and puffing. 

She smooths out her mini nightgown, taking a deep breath before sliding on her Birkenstocks by the door. Stepping out into the sand, she walks closer to him and watches him still run before he slows down right before her.

“Good morning.” 

Rey smiles, “Morning.” 

He guzzles water down before wiping his mouth, still breathing hard. His chest heaves obscenely and Rey finds her cheeks heating up. This doesn’t go without notice, “Are you blushing?” 

Rey growls, “I’m not.” Then she covers her cheeks with her hands and stares straight at him, struggling to hold hard eye contact. 

Ben walks past her and sits down in the sand, putting his head between his knees. Rey stands in front of him and puts her hands on her hips. 

She says, “I need to record the 3PO feature. Want to come with me to the studio?” There’s a studio in Malibu she sometimes uses when she’s inspired, and her voice is feeling particularly good today. 

Ben nods, “You know I’d love to.”

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Watching and filming Rey working solo in the studio is chaotic. She’s a little bunny hopping back from the booth to the mixing board, replaying certain sections of track and humming to herself.

It’s a small feature from what he can garner, and it’s like watching a documentary narrator do their shit. 

_ Oh my my my, oh my my my _

_ I've waited all my life _

Her voice sounds angelic as she tapes it, and Ben presses any button she asks him to. Otherwise, he films like he’s supposed to.

_ Love is nothing stronger (I want it) _

_ Than a boy with, than a boy with luv _

She also sings in Korean, stumbling on a few words as she does. When she does, she glares at the paper like it’s personally offended her. 

Eventually, she throws a pen against the wall and sighs, laying her head on the stand. Ben cuts the camera and knocks on the door. She leans over and opens it up. He steps in and shuts it behind him.

"Can I touch your back?" He figures that asking is the best policy and she nods. His hand settles between her shoulder blades and rubs.

“You’re doing great.”

“I sing about love but no one will ever love me.” 

He says, “You know that’s not true. Your fans love you.” 

She snorts, “Superficially, until I fuck up again and they hate me. You know, cancel culture.” She stands up straight and wipes her eyes, adjusting the champion hoodie on her frame. She has matching sky blue sweats on as well and she rubs her face.

“Fucking up is inevitable. The key is to minimize the damage to other people. The Gunray West stuff was completely unwarranted, and wasn’t your fault.”

She probably doesn’t enjoy thinking about that night or the resulting feud. He doesn’t enjoy thinking about the lyrics he spouted about her.

_ I feel like me and Rey might still have sex _

_ Why?  _

_ I made that bitch famous  _

Rey brought herself up from the bottom, from the depths of poverty and foster care, and got herself a great home and great parents that wanted to support her dream. 

No man gets to take credit for her.

Ben is angry at the man for insinuating so many years later that he was the one who put Rey on the map. He keeps rubbing her back and Rey steps closer to him. “You won’t pursue him either, right?”

He says, “Not directly. It’s not like I’d ever interview the man for your documentary.” That would be stupid and a breach of their trusting relationship.

She nods and looks a little more relieved. Then she says, “Shoo, I have to get this done.” 

He can’t help but smile and does as she bids.

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She’s writing songs in her room when he knocks.

The acoustic guitar she has in her mothers’ home just sounds friendlier and lighter somehow. There’s an old diary in front of her.

She stashes the diary before saying, “Come in.” 

Ben walks in with two mugs of what looks to be whiskey, sitting down. “What are you writing?”

She asks, sheepishly, “Want to hear what I have so far?” 

He nods and she strums.

_ I wanna start this out and say _

_ I gotta get it off my chest _

_ Got no anger, got no malice _

_ Just a little bit of regret _

_ Know nobody else will tell you _

_ So there's some things I gotta say _

_ Gonna jot it down and then get it out _

_ And then I'll be on my way _

She keeps strumming and goes on.

_ No, you're not half the man you think that you are _

_ And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs, and cars _

_ I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you _

_ 'Cause you can't love nothing unless there's somethin' in it for you _

She reaches the chorus and slows down 

_ Oh, I feel so sorry _

_ I feel so sad _

_ I tried to help you _

_ It just made you mad _

_ And I had no warning _

_ About who you are _

_ I'm just glad I made it out without breaking down _

_ And then ran so fucking far _

Then she stops strumming and gulps down the whiskey to soothe her throat. It doesn’t do much but burn and she shakes her hair out. Ben takes a sip of his.

“I like it. I think that’s album worthy.” 

She says, “I also have another one, but I will wait until Kaydel to show you. It’s a good one though.” She’s calling it Getaway Car so far.

Ben nods, “Whatever floats your boat. Hey, you wouldn’t mind if I saw my mom tomorrow right?” 

Rey perks up at the mention of Ben Solo’s mother. She asks, “Leia Organa, of Millenia right?” She doesn’t want to admit how Millenia got her through a breakup before Fett. She can hear the lyrics in her head now.

_ Don't say that she's pretty? _

_ And did you say that she loved you? _

_ Baby, I don't want to know _

“Yeah, that’s her-”

“Can I come?” 

Ben pauses while he sips and she bites her lip. “I can also not-”

He sets his mug down, “No, maybe you should.” 

She looks at him, “Really?”

He nods, “Yeah you two would get along. She’s also made rugelach.”

She cocks her head and he explains with a shake of his hair, “Sorry, it’s a Jewish thing. But it’s like a pastry with jam and nuts. Delicious.” 

She nods, “Sounds like a great breach in my diet.” 

“Who cares though?” 

He sips his whiskey and she can’t help but think he’s right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you like this, please share it with your fandom friends or on social media if you can. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["getaway car" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhPLQVlUiNQ)
> 
> [ahsoka and maz's home](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/30826-Broad-Beach-Rd-Malibu-CA-90265/20557653_zpid/)   
>  [ben's gucci duffle](https://www.gucci.com/us/en/pr/men/bags-for-men/travel-duffle-bags-for-men/technical-canvas-duffle-p-450983K1NET8546?position=19&listName=ProductGrid&categoryPath=Men/Bags-for-Men/Travel-Duffle-Bags-for-Men)   
>  [dinner dress](https://www.loveshackfancy.com/collections/dresses/products/hansel-dress-hibiscus)   
>  [rainbow cardigan](https://www.loveshackfancy.com/products/brady-shawl-rainbow)   
>  [rey's nightgown](https://www.loveshackfancy.com/collections/nightgowns/products/mini-iona-dress-white-mist)   
>  [blue champion hoodie](https://www.urbanoutfitters.com/shop/champion-uo-exclusive-reverse-weave-boyfriend-hoodie-sweatshirt2?adpos=&color=040&creative=209973904254&device=c&gclid=CjwKCAjwmKLzBRBeEiwACCVihvlMlE4C8IFB_VrXU1TkOF1oopZvfWDnbsqCFUMwjKMCAeyfy1jMXxoCgssQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&inventoryCountry=US&matchtype=&mrkgadid=3253008948&mrkgcl=671&network=g&product_id=55464762&quantity=1&type=REGULAR&utm_campaign=NB_PLA_-_GSC_-_Designers&utm_content=Champion&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_term=432441769117_brand_urban_outfitters_x_champion_product_type_womens_product_type)
> 
> songs mentioned in this chapter  
> ["boy with luv" by BTS and halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-4_cv_LPPs)  
> ["getaway car" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhPLQVlUiNQ)  
> ["you should be sad" by halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JiDzwbQgTI)  
> ["silver springs" by fleetwood mac](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6s2je2wDllY)


	8. and i bought another house and i never go outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Should you be driving?” 
> 
> She rolls her eyes, “Not that foggy.” 
> 
> Ben shrugs, “I suppose so. My mother will probably make you a coffee when we get there though. She’s very hospitable towards other women.” She bites her lip and shrugs.
> 
> “I’ll take coffee from Leia then. **That’s got to be like a rite of passage or something.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> we earn our rating (smut)  
> fett talks to ben

“We could just take a Lyft, you know.” 

Rey clicks the key of the Jaguar convertible, a bright yellow monstrosity. The thing is ostentatious and his mother will never let him live the fucking day down if he shows up in that.

She will already speculate on Rey and what she means to him beyond a paycheck and an Oscar. Ben’s not even sure about that one, and Rey opens up the driver’s side door.

“Get in.” She’s waiting for him to open his door and Ben sighs. Then he opens it, sliding into the car and adjusting his seat just like Rey. Then she pulls the top back to the convertible, adjusting the straps of her white dress and cuddling closer to the cardigan on her shoulders. It’s pink and flower printed, with cherry printed buttons. 

White slip on vans sit on her feet and she clicks to open the garage. “Can we stop for coffee on the way? My brain is foggy.”

“Should you be driving?” 

She rolls her eyes, “Not that foggy.” 

Ben shrugs, “I suppose so. My mother will probably make you a coffee when we get there though. She’s very hospitable towards other women.” She bites her lip and shrugs.

“I’ll take coffee from Leia then. That’s got to be like a rite of passage or something.” Then she backs out of the garage and they hit the road, Ben has put the address into his phone and hooked it up to the loudspeaker. 

The car is so fancy that it pulls the navigation up onto the screen like his Tesla. She follows it to a T, not even trying to take any shortcuts as he expected. The wind is irritating through his hair but it’s a nice day as they drive.

They arrive at Leia’s no time, along the Malibu Colony beach to a bunch of close together homes. That had been his one stipulation for his mother if she was going to move outside of a gated area; there needed to be people around.

Rey parks the car on the curb and puts the top up on the convertible. Then she gets out of the car with him and Ben puts in the gate code to get into the driveway and entrance of the house.

The gate clicks and unlocks, and Rey follows close behind as they enter Leia’s humble abode.

If a twenty-eight-million dollar home could be humble. There’s a courtyard sidling up to the door, green and lush. A gardener he doesn’t recognize (Leia’s arthritis prevents her from gardening now so she has to hire people), plucks thorns off of roses one by one.

Ben knocks on the door, putting his hands on his hips. Rey sidles up next to him and she’s bouncing on her toes as they wait. “Don’t be so excited. It’s just my mother.”

“Your mom got me through a breakup. Excuse me for being a little excited.” Then she sticks out her tongue and the door opens to a short woman in a lush ivory dressing gown and fuzzy slippers. She holds a mug that says  _ My House. My Rules. My Coffee!! _

Leia says, “Good morning both of you.” She takes Rey’s appearance on her doorstep in such stride that one would think that he had told her. Rey makes an airy little squeal noise and contains her inner fangirl long enough for him to get hugged by his mother tightly.

The woman is significantly smaller than his 6’4 and sometimes Ben thanks god that he got the tall mutation. He could be a short person like her, and then who would get things from the top shelf when Han had enough and divorced her?

Then Leia hugs Rey, and she hugs back with a dreamy look on her face. Leia pulls away, “It’s nice to meet you, Miss Superstar.” 

Rey opens her mouth and Leia interrupts while looking at her left hand, “Unless you’re spoken for, then it’s Mrs.-”

Rey clarifies quickly with a blush on her cheeks, “No, no. Just me, just Miss.” Leia looks pointedly at Ben. It’s almost like her look is saying,  _ “Take note.”  _

Ben wants to snap back,  _ “I’m aware.”  _ He knows Rey is single. The thought is pretty but the practical applications are messy. There’s no way he can date her, not while they work on a sensitive piece of art, and she works on her own album. He doesn’t want to influence an entire album, to be remembered for being “the boy who broke Rey Kanata’s heart”. Ben wants to be more than that.

But god, does he want to fuck her. 

Especially as she smoothly says, “My moms live in Malibu too. Is your house directly on the beach?”

Leia nods and they walk into the white and cozy beach house. The back doors are open to air out the living room and kitchen combo, and Rey walks out onto the back deck while Ben plops down on the couch. Rey marvels, “It’s gorgeous and so quiet.”

Leia nods before walking off to the kitchen, “Can I get either of you coffee or tea? Ben, do you want chocolate milk with your rugelach?”

Ben snorts, “I haven’t done that since I was five. I’ll take black coffee.”

Leia shrugs while setting up the french press, “So? It’s delicious.” Rey giggles and walks back into the living room and plops down right next to him. Her toes are painted a pale pink, and it matches her fingernails. 

Then Rey states, “I’ll take a coffee if that's all right.” 

Leia replies, “It is, darling. Do you want a latte?”

Rey asks while turning around, “You can do that?” Leia nods and gestures to the Nespresso machine Ben had gotten her for Hanukkah before pressing down the coffee in the French press. In reality, someone had sent him it and didn’t want it and no one could blame him for re-gifting. 

Rey says, “Then sign me up for a latte. Do you have soy milk?” 

Leia nods and Rey smiles to herself, looking back forward while playing with her hands. Ben takes a chance and scoots closer, kicking his combat boots onto the coffee table. She was polite and took her shoes off, Ben can get away with murder most of the time. 

Not today though. “Get your feet off my coffee table.” Leia sets down a plate of five rugelach pastries and three smaller plates and Rey hesitates before grabbing a pastry and a plate like him. Ben tears into his rugelach and it tastes as good as he remembers. 

Leia gets up and serves them their drinks after a while of eating in silence, and the questions start. “So Rey, you’ve been out of the spotlight for a minute.”

Rey nods and offers a small, “Yep!”

Leia probes further, “Have you found that to be healing? Or isolating?”

Rey wipes her mouth, “Uh, a weird combo of both. I want to get back out there but it’s a lot to think about.” 

Leia seems to understand this, and Ben can help but feel like sort of an idiot for minimizing how scary the outside world is to her. He had seen what it does to her. 

Leia then says, like the bearer of all wisdom, “Just remember the public doesn’t have access to you if you don’t want them to. Boundaries are good.”

Ben interjects, “She’s got an album coming out.” 

“So did I, while I was pregnant with you, and no one had a fucking clue because I kept my boundaries up.” That had been her lowest-performing album and Ben chalks it to his presence in the womb.

He fucks everything up, doesn’t he?

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They stay for a long time. 

Rey doesn’t know exactly how long but Ben is antsy and pacing when she decides that it’s time to go.

Leia is flipping through a recipe book for her rugelach so Rey can copy it down and Ben walks out to the beach. Rey watches him answer his phone, and she would give anything to hear his end.

“That’s probably Snoke.” 

Rey looks over at Leia, who blows some smoke from her joint from her lips. Leia is cool as a cucumber with weed, come to find out. Rey only has weed at places like Coachella, not in some Leia Organa’s home. Rey snaps a picture of the index card and flips it over, snapping another photo of the directions. The handwriting is a flourishing and clear script.

“His grandmother made a lot of this. It’s good that the recipe is passing on.” 

Ben is standing stiff as he talks and Rey bites her lip. “He is single you know.” 

Rey quickly says, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”

She’s ready for his lips on her red ones, for short skirts and blue jeans, fast cars, daydreams, cherry slushies. She’s ready for summer wholesome love and Ben is a winter dark lover. Ben is cozy fires, warm sweaters, hot cocoa. 

Those love vogues just don’t match up.

But by god would she give anything to adore him all times of the year.

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It’s late, and he’s editing.

This isn’t unusual but tonight he feels uneasy after the phone call he received.

Fett sounds so different on the phone than in interviews, but perhaps he was sober when calling. Unlikely, given his nose candy habit. Fett had done everything but threatened him. Ben thinks he probably assumed he was recording the call (which he was) and kept it cute.  _ “I just want you to know what a basket case she was.” _

Then he told him a story about how Rey broke his phone.

He must ask Rey about it when the time is right because she seemed down when they left his mom’s house. Though he doesn’t know anytime where Rey is enthused about leaving a person.

Speak of the devil, there’s a knock on the door. Ben says, “Come in.” He’s working in bed, sweatpants on. He forgets his shirt is off but it’s too late to cover up when she rushes into his room with a guitar in hand. “Listen to what I came up with!”

She’s wearing a red silk romper, with eyelash lace inserts in the front and back of the bodice. He swears he sees the outline of her breasts before she sits down on the bed. She then strums.

_ And it's new _

_ The shape of your body, it's blue _

_ The feeling I've got _

_ And it's ooh, whoa-oh _

_ It's a cruel summer _

_ It's cool _

_ That's what I tell 'em, no rules _

_ In breakable heaven but _

_ Ooh, whoa-oh _

_ It's a cruel summer _

_ With you _

She smiles while she sings and he can’t help but smile, taking a deep breath and watching her set her guitar back down. “Did you like it?” 

He nods, “I love it.” Then he notices Rey’s eyes on his bare chest and he sits up a little, pushing his laptop to the side. Rey looks bashful, and down at her hands, then beginning to get up.

Ben blurts, “Wait.”

She locks eyes with him while plopping back down and she bites her lower lip. Rey then plays with the straps on her romper and Ben sits back on his knees, viewing her as he would a fine painting in the Louvre. She’s not pretty because she’s a pop star; she’s pretty for her intellect and innocence and the way she presents herself as a fine meal.

Rey stares up at him with big wide eyes and Ben says, “Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.”

She sets the guitar gently on the floor and stands up. It shows how short her shorts are, creeping up her cheeks. He whispers, “I just want you to be in control.”

Rey cocks her head, and he continues, “I want you to feel safe with me. If I can do anything to make that happen…”

The words are unspoken:  _ I will. _

She looks thrown for a loop like someone has tipped her chair upside down and fucked her day up. Rey whispers, “I feel like I’ll disappoint you.”

Ben shakes his head, “You couldn’t.” After being so used to disappointment from multiple parties, he knows that Rey is not the type to do something like that. Hell, he doesn’t know a lot about her but he would like to have faith in the girl almighty. 

“Are you sure?”

Ben nods and Rey bounces on the balls of her feet with her hands clasped in front of her. “You look so sweet.” 

She blushes further, and he continues, standing up before her and towering over her in a looming way that most women would detest.

She doesn’t seem to hate it though. Shockingly, she steps closer before batting her lashes and looking back to the floor through the one inch between their bodies. Ben reaches down and tips her chin up, leaning down.

Their lips connect and it feels right. Like a round peg through a round hole, or saving the environment. He would do anything for this girl and he barely knows her, already under her spell. Rey moves her lips with the precision of someone playing the harp. 

Her hands run through his hair and her body presses close to him. He reaches under her thighs and picks her up, legs wrapping around his waist as she ruts into his front. They keep kissing anyway and Ben turns so she can fall onto her back onto the bed.

Ben is desperation personified, whispering as he leans down and his hair curtains his face, “Let me make you feel good. Let me make you feel so good.” Rey stares up at him like she’s counting constellations.

She then says, “Please.” He kisses her again and then lets his lips trail down the skin of her neck, kissing over her chest and collarbones. She wraps her fingers in his hair and tugs at it, exposing his throat as she giggles quietly to herself. He offers an admonishing grin. 

Then his hands drift to her hips, holding gently. “Can I get this off you?” She nods and sits up, letting him push the straps off her arms and she shimmies the romper off of herself to reveal her naked form. Her body is all lean muscle, abdominal muscles loosely defined. Her breasts are perky and small, his hands easily engulfing them as he kisses her again.

Rey pulls her lips away and blinks a few times before whispering, “I’m nervous.”

Ben asks, “Why are you nervous?” 

She answers, “It’s been a while. I’m worried I’ll be too tight or something-”

Ben tries to lighten the mood, “Too tight? There’s never such a thing as too tight.” 

She gives him a stern look, and he continues with a nervous laugh, “I mean, I’m big but I’ll go slow.”

She asks, “How big are you?”

Ben doesn’t answer, pushing his sweats down his leg and revealing what most women have lovingly called “his third leg”. He’s thick and long, packing about eight inches when not hard. Her eyes pop wide and  _ drool  _ drips from her lips for a moment. Then she hastily wipes her mouth and blushes deep crimson.

He asks, “Drool-worthy, huh?”

“Oh no, your ego is about to grow too many sizes too big.” 

Ben rolls his eyes, and she keeps her eyes on his cock, before reaching out to wrap her hand around the base. His breath hitches and he blinks twice before succumbing to obeying her every whim. Rey deserves power and control.

To prove his point, she asks, “Are you gonna be good for me?”

He leans down and kisses her while she strokes his cock. His hand grabs her cheek, roughly squeezing and kneading. He whimpers into her mouth, “Yeah.”

His breaths are heavy as they make out, tongues clashing and her teeth bite down on his lower lip and tug. Then she pulls away all the way and his cock rests hard in her grip. Rey gazes up at him and he asks, “Do you want to suck it?”

She bites her lip and nods her head and Ben looks behind him before sitting on the edge of the bed. “I should warn you.”

He cocks his head, and she goes on, “I normally can’t climax without a vibrator.”

Ben inquires, “Did he try to make you come?”

She looks sheepish. He has an answer before she even opens her mouth, “No.” 

“Well, I will try. Harder than him.” He puffs out his chest, and she rolls her eyes.

“Okay macho. Just let me suck you off.” She drops to her knees between his legs, her hair already pulled back and her head moving down. Her lips are on the tip of his cock then and his hips jolt. She doesn’t mind it, lips wrapping around the head and eyes lidding and finally shutting as she draws him more into her mouth like a black widow with a web; her spell is as killer as the venom living within its teeth. 

She bobs her head on top of his cock and pumps at the base while she does. Her hair bounces as she does and he knots a hand into a bun to hold her in place as she deep throats his cock. She gags, throat contracting around him and making his hand let up and eyes roll back into his head in sheer pleasures.

Rey pulls off of him and wipes her mouth, and Ben looks down at her with a smile the size of the Pacific outside his window. She bats her eyelashes then and twirls a small tendril of hair around her finger while she does.

“I want you to use your mouth on me too.”

The way she says it is so sweet and Ben needs a moment to pump his cock in thought. Of course, he wants to eat her pussy. Why wouldn’t he want that? He just has a few questions. 

“We didn’t talk about clean status.”

She looks concerned and he quickly quells her worries, “I’m clean, I was last tested about two years ago and uh...let’s just say nothing has happened since then.”

She smiles and then whispers, “I went to my gynecologist a few months ago and got tested. Perfectly clean.”

“What about birth control?”

“IUD.”

He asks, “Do you want to use condoms or just forgo them?”

She responds, “Forgo if that’s all right.” She’s moving back to lean up against the headboard and spread her legs wide. Ben crawls between her legs and noses along her belly. Then he smiles to himself, scooting a little closer and dipping his head down to eat her pussy.

Rey lets out a breathy little whine, and he holds her thighs with his hands as he licks stripes up and down her pussy. She makes little whining noises as he gets deeper and more into it, going up to a high pitch that dogs would perk at. He adores it.

She tastes a special kind of alkaline, and he feels her hands wind in his hair.

His nose bunts into her as he tries to get even deeper, hand unwinding from her thigh and plunging a finger inside of her to make sure she’s stretched enough for him. Rey is tight, and he’s a little worried about hurting her with his cock.

“This feels so good.” 

He asks, “Yeah?”

She nods fiercely and looks down at him while he looks up at her. “You look gorgeous like this.” 

Rey is already flushed, but he suspects she’d flush more if allowed. “Especially like that. I’m glad you’re letting me do this.” 

She bites her lip. “Don’t get all sappy on me.”

He keeps fingering her in the silence, hearing how wet she sounds. Not to mention the slip and slide when he adds a second finger. The room smells like her floral perfume and he wants to ask her who allowed her to smell so delicious.

Rey grabs his wrist eventually, and he stills. “Can you fuck me now?”

He nods and removes his fingers, nestling his hips between her legs and beginning to line up. The tip bunts up against her and he taps on top of her clit with the head. Then he pushes an inch in, and she hiccups. Ben takes it slowly, listening to her breaths as he pushes a little further and lets her accommodate him a little more. 

Eventually, he’s sheathed as much as he can and her eyes are wide, a little shell-shocked. “Do you want me to pull out, sweetheart?” She shakes her head.

“Please fuck me. I’ve never felt so  _ full _ .” He’s always wanted to hear that from someone like her, and he vies to please her as he rocks his hips to slide his cock in and out of her while she pants. 

His tempo increases, thumb coming to rub her clit. Her panting turns into moans, and she meets each of his thrusts with a whimper and a wiggle. Eventually he moves his hips up and hits the spongy flesh of her g-spot, and she fucking  _ shrieks  _ into an orgasm _.  _

Slapping a hand over her mouth, he spills into her while she trembles on the come down. Ben pulls out, cum oozing out of her in pornish caricature that makes him inhale sharply.

He removes his hand when he’s sure she’s done with the loud noises. 

She whispers, “Thanks. That was-”

He replies with a smile, “No problem.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey it's been a bit. what's up? thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["929" by halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLw90Ofj5mw)
> 
> the list  
> [the jaguar](https://www.jaguarusa.com/all-models/f-type/index.html)  
> [rey's dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/dolci-dress?color=White&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM2)  
> [rey's cardigan](https://www.loveshackfancy.com/collections/sweaters/products/corinthia-duster-pink-daisy)  
> [leia's house](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/23754-Malibu-Rd-Malibu-CA-90265/20553912_zpid/)  
> [leia's robe](https://www.agentprovocateur.com/us_en/classic-long-dressing-gown-ivory)  
> [leia's mug](https://knivesoutshop.com/products/knives-out-mug-my-house-my-rules-my-coffee-mug?variant=31556597547147)  
> [rey's romper](https://darkestfox.com/collections/lingerie-sleepwear/products/temptations-silk-pleasure-romper)
> 
> songs featured  
> ["cruel summer" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRwy8FyH8ik)


	9. and the boys always call, and the girls do too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can’t I call?” 
> 
> “I mean people usually have a reason for calling.” 
> 
> Rey sniffles and finally reveals, “I was hoping you would come over and watch a movie with me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> pregnancy mention  
> referenced miscarriage (starts with "She hates these questions" ends with “Cymbalta and Xanax.”)  
> bad body image stuff  
> medication talk   
> xanax   
> they quarrel

She leaves his bed after she gives him one last kiss.

They leave Malibu that day; the drive was silent and odd-feeling for two people who just fucked the night before. Shouldn’t they be talking? Shouldn’t she be in his arms instead of across the car?

Then life gets busy. 

Three weeks pass since they fucked and Ben does his job: he films the fuck out of her. It doesn’t mean he can’t pine while he does, seeking an answer to why they even did anything in the first place if she was just going to act like it never happened. 

Ben wishes his feelings would die a slow death. Especially when she’s in New York and he’s in LA. He didn’t follow her there because he needed a break from her. He needs a break from all the bullshit, all the depression soaked gazes at Rose, and all the fucking Xanax bars she consumes because she’s not okay.

He adores Rey but sometimes it hurts him he can’t help her, and he’s probably hurting her by filming her. So he takes a minor break, to get a clear head. Harmless really.

That is until he’s asked in New York for a Q&A screening of his previous documentary (the Oscar winner), and he can’t say no. He doesn’t tell Rey he’s in New York, because he doesn’t think she’ll care. She’ll eventually fizzle out in his head and no harm will be done. Ben can be professional, even when hurt.

He’s just gotten back to his hotel room after dinner with the owner of the movie theater, undoing his tie as he empties his pockets. His phone vibrates on top of the hotel desk and it’s Rey. Her smiley contact picture comes up, set when he wasn’t so fucked up over her.

Ben contemplates not answering, but she’s his co-producer on this. It would be poor form.

He answers it, throwing it on speaker. “Rey?” Shedding his blazer, he then hears the soft sobs.

Oh no. He refocuses on the phone and Rey struggles out, “I-I’m sorry. I’ve been a terrible person to you.”

Ben asks, “Where’s this coming from?”

She continues like he said nothing, “I just like you a lot, and I want you near me for selfish reasons, and you’re in New York and didn’t tell me-”

She hiccups and Ben gets out, “Rey, this trip was last minute.”

“You still could’ve told me!”

He’s stunned that she’s shouted and Rey then snaps, “Nobody tells me anything and now you’re avoiding me.”

Ben knows he shouldn’t argue but her instability is throwing him off. “You barely talked to me after what we did so excuse me for getting mixed fucking signals! I’m sorry you’re struggling, I wish I could take it away, but I can’t Rey. You can’t expect me to be that much of a Superman.”

She weakly says, “I like what we did.”

Ben says, “Good, I did too, but that’s hardly the point. Why did you call?”

“Can’t I call?” 

“I mean people usually have a reason for calling.” 

Rey sniffles and finally reveals, “I was hoping you would come over and watch a movie with me.” 

Ben contemplates refusing for a hot second and he almost does. Then he stares at himself in the mirror, before answering, “Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

He’s unbelievably whipped.

Though he is his father’s son, so it’s to be expected.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey does not intend to watch a movie.

Maybe it’s stupid to lie about something like that, but she’s pretty wiped and she wants to cuddle with him. He’s a great cuddler, proving so in Malibu. She just wants to experience it again.

Rose isn’t in bed yet when Rey goes downstairs and turns off the alarm. Rose asks, in a sing-song voice without looking up from her romance novel, “Whatcha doing?” She’s posted up on the couch, television on mute. 

Rey says, a matter of fact, “Ben is coming over.” Then she plops down on the stairs to stare at the door like a dog waiting for their owner. She plays with her fingers and blinks back worried and anxious tears. What if he doesn’t come?

Rose, happy to see her downstairs for the first time in six days, “Sounds good.”

He comes through, after twenty minutes of waiting; she sees him put in her gate code. He’s wearing black sweats and a white tee, clinging to his broad chest like ivy to a decrepit building. Rey stands up and opens up the door as he walks up the stairs.

Rey says, “Hey.” He looms over her, staring her down before walking into the house. She follows him with a knot in her belly.

Rose calls, “Hey Ben.”

Ben says while removing his sneakers, “Hey.”

Then he looks back at Rey again, and Rey whispers, “Upstairs.”

Ben nods and bounds up the stairs, Rey following behind. The cats come barreling up the stairs along with her, following behind to get access to their mother’s room. Ben opens her bedroom door and enters, looking around the depression mess that greets them.

Rey didn’t think it would be that bad but it’s clear by the raise of his brows, the empty cups and empty snack packages on her dresser. Rey just gets back in bed and Ben exhales. “What’s wrong?”

Rey doesn’t want to confess she’s stopped taking her medication. Every time Rose gives her a pill, she waits with it under her tongue until she leaves. Then she usually tosses it out the window into the garden. Feeding your flowers Cymbalta might not be the best choice but she doesn’t want to be depressed anymore; the medication must make her depressed.

So she doesn’t answer, patting the bed beside her. The cats hop onto the foot of the bed, treading lightly on top of the comforter. Ben gets in bed next to her and says again, “There’s something wrong, so I will guess until you get annoyed and tell me.” 

Rey sighs and he asks, “Is it Fett?”

She shakes her head and then he questions, “Stressed out?”

She shrugs at that. “Kind of.” Her brain feels like bees that have been harassed too much.

Ben sighs, and he then queries, “Are you taking care of yourself?” Rey is showering, she’s eating like shit so her skin is breaking out, and she’s masturbating a lot. That’s not the full package, but that’s better than the few first months she went into hiding. Rey never left her bed unless forced by Rose, and their relationship grew fifteen-fold because of her inability to be okay.

Maybe she’s not okay now, but this is better.

“I’m trying.” 

Ben huffs, running fingers through his hair and not touching her. Why isn’t he touching her? Rey changed into a short blue nightgown, with a chic tie-waist, before he arrived. She looks pretty depression-soaked hot right now.

“I know you are. I know.” He leans against the headboard, his feet kicking out. 

Rey swallows down her pride, “I missed you.” 

Ben hums non-committal before mumbling, “Didn’t really show it.”

Rey sighs and says, “I know and I’m sorry. Everything is just not excellent right now and I’m scheduled for an interview with Vogue in two days.”

He doesn’t pity her for this, even though she wants a little sympathy. Interviews suck, he would know this. Ben just stares at her and Rey whispers, “If you hate me, just tell me.”

He snorts, “I’m trying to hate you. It’s hard though.”

That’s reassuring. Not. Rey sits up and her bones hurt, anxiety and depression exacerbating even a minor spinal misalignment. She needs to get back into her chiropractor and she picks at her nails while looking down at them 

Ben is quiet, “I can’t though. If you were dead to me, I wouldn’t have come. Or even worse, I would’ve brought the camera.”

She lets out a choked brief chuckle. His reassurances fall on deaf ears and Rey can’t help her building and growing anxiety. 

She needs a Xanax. It would help her sleep, knock her right out like a sucker punch to the gut. Rey moves to get out of bed. Ben asks, “Where are you going?”

She sighs, “Uh, to get my medication.”

“Have you been taking it?”

She means a distinct type, but she didn’t think Ben was observant. She admits, “Just Xanax.”

“What do you usually take?”

She hates these questions, feeling so clinical and like she’s sitting in a gown in a doctor’s office after her very early miscarriage the year before. That had been with Fett, something she blots out of her head. She didn’t know she was pregnant, so most would argue that there’s no harm no foul.

Rey still remembers it to this day.

“Cymbalta and Xanax.”

“So you’re not taking Cymbalta?”

She shakes her head and Ben says, “Okay. I want you to talk to your mental health professional tomorrow.”

She lamely answers, “She’s in Malibu.” Rey has been going to the same woman for years and isn’t willing to switch.

“On the phone. I would tell you to take medication right now but I’m worried there could be terrible consequences exposing your system to that chemical that fast. And you’re not taking a Xanax.” 

She argues, “I will have an anxiety attack if I don’t.”

He replies, a matter of fact, “And I’ll be here for you when you do. I’m not leaving tonight.”

She sighs and flops on her back. He lies next to her and reaches out, stroking through her hair. “Luke wants to schedule a pap walk tomorrow.” She remembers the daily walks out of her house to photographers, waving to fans, and making a fashion statement occasionally.

“Do you think that’ll be good for you?”

She shakes her head and bites her lip, “No, I’m terrified. Ben, I’m literally losing my hair.”

She feels the back of her head subconsciously and whispers, “It might not look like it but it’s coming out in the shower-”

“I believe you.”

She bites her lip and wipes at her eyes, feeling tears bubble up at her lash line. “Ben I don’t want to be famous anymore.” 

He wipes her eyes for her, shoving her hands away. Then she drops them in her lap and looks down at her knees. “I don’t think I can be everything you need, but I’ll try if you need me to.” 

She thinks she’s a burden, someone that’s hard to adore and appreciate with an entire heart. “That includes supporting you in moments like these when everything feels bleak.” 

He goes on, “I owe that to you as a...as a whatever I am to you.” She sniffles, and he hugs her tight and close to him.

Rey doesn’t want to let go.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

She doesn’t get what she wants. Luke schedules a pap walk, anyway. 

That pains Ben because watching her get ready is a horrible experience. She looks as if someone has killed her cat, tear-streaked and futilely asking if she can back out every five minutes. 

Poe and Finn work their magic and make her look like a presentable human being. Ben films on his phone, because his phone can still do 4K and it has image stabilization as well. Not as good as the DSLR he was using, but it would do. 

They have a moment to themselves in the hallway while Rose scurries up and down the stairs collecting things they’ll need for their short outing to lunch. Apparently, Rey needs a lot of stuff to function, Rose carrying most of it. Things like inhalers, Xanax, lipstick, gum, mints, anything you can think of goes in the purse.

He found out early on that you can order clothes on Postmates, choosing basic black pieces and a backpack, stuffing last night’s clothes into the main pocket. He slings it over his back and watches Rey get dressed. 

He turns the camera off for this, and Finn and Poe step out of the room. Poe asks, stern, “You coming, Ben?”

He’s seen her body before, and Rey answers for him, “He’s good. Go ahead.” The door slams shut, and she winces, sniffling slightly before she continues stripping down. Ben walks to close the curtains and looks down below.

Fans swarm behind a barrier, and there are security getting out of cars outside; all of this for a twenty-foot walk to a car. He shuts the curtains, and she’s putting on a black romper with a cutout on her stomach. Maybe it’s showing she’s not pregnant like the speculation has been. The last time a star went dark was because Kylie Renner was pregnant and didn’t want the media to know about it. 

Sure, the timeline makes no sense but with his presence in her life, the accusations of paternity have landed on him. His PR lady hates him for it.

“I’m walking out before you so I can capture you. I’ll be in the car.”

She chews on her nails as she walks out of the hallway, up the stairs to the sneaker closet. Ben follows behind, looking for any sign she heard him. She doesn’t give one, so he repeats, “I’ll still be in the car-”

She snaps, “I got it.” Then she yanks black and red Air Jordans from the display shelves and shoves her feet in each shoe. Ben swallows down his pride.

“Fine. I’ll be downstairs.” He turns around.

She blurts, “Wait.” 

He turns back around and she steps up to him, sneakers giving her no height advantage. “I’m sorry.” 

“You need to think about how you treat people when you’re in a depressed state.”

She nods, “I’m working on it. I’m trying.” 

He nods, and she opens up her arms like she’s belting out the top note in  _ Let It Go _ . “Can I have a hug?” 

He nods, leaning down and picking her up in a bear hug. Rey kicks her legs and squeals, burying her face in his neck. 

He wants to protect her from the big nasty world outside.

He’ll do anything to do that.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Paparazzi and she has a complicated love/hate dynamic that rivals most movie couples. 

Rey wants to throw their cameras at car windshields, stomp on their memory cards, and shriek that they’re ruining her life.

But they give her fans access to her, and Rey wants her fans to have access. What she’s learned is that the key isn’t  _ constant  _ access, but access in any gram. 

Slipping the leather jacket over her shoulders, she watches Ben walk out of the house to the sounds of shrieks that die as soon as they erupt. There should be more fanfare for him, and she wants to stick her head out the door and tell them to place some respect on his person. 

He’s her director, co-producer, and whatever he is in the sack.

Finn does last checks on her signature red lips, sunglasses on the bridge of her nose to hide the puffy eyes and black circles from sleepless nights. It’s also bright outside, and she hasn’t been out in the daylight for a week. 

Rose walks out after Ben, lugging her tote bag along. She gets cheers because fans know her importance. 

Poe asks, “Ready kid? We’ll be following in our own car.” 

Finn adds, “It’s just a lunch out. We’ve done this before, we’ll get you day drunk, it’ll be great.”

She snorts and then turns to the front door. Poe bolts to open it for her and she nods at him when his hand touches the handle. If she doesn’t do it immediately, she’ll get cold feet.

Twenty feet.

Twenty feet is an interminable distance and when she sees Ben with his phone poised to film her, she decides that she’s doing this for him.

She’s going out for him, for the sake of this documentary.

She steps out into the flashbulbs and walks quick, turning her head to the side to look at the pen of fans being held back by security and screaming. She offers a slight wave to them and then ignores the paparazzi on her good side.

The entire time is a dissociation fest. Her body doesn’t feel real and she wonders if other people can tell.

She slides into the car, closing the door and Ben is still filming her. “Can you turn that off?” Ben nods and taps his screen, then sliding his phone in his pocket. 

Then he offers out his hand. “High five, you looked superb.” 

She high fives him but says, “From your angle, maybe.”

Rey doesn’t want to see the other ones.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Ben doesn’t understand why Rose takes Rey’s phone when they arrive at lunch.

It’s a trendy rooftop eatery, with lush greenery and enormous glass tables, unlit chandeliers overhead. Rey sits right next to him, naturally at the head position of the table. Rose is across from him and Finn and Poe sit across from each other, Poe sitting next to Ben. They set their menus in front of them, and Rey is staring at the page.

Ben’s decided on salmon, and he leans over. “What are you getting?” 

She looks up from the menu and says, “Avocado toast and bacon.”

He says, “Yum.” She flushes and purses her lips.

Then she asks, “Can I see your phone?” 

He shakes his head, “Why’d Rose take yours?” He’s observant, that’s why he’s good at what he does.

She looks embarrassed before whispering, getting very close to his ear, “I look at pictures of myself and critique them until I hate myself. She was stopping me from doing it here.”

Ben nods, understanding perfectly: Rey needs control over how people view her; it’s what’s making this process like pulling teeth. She looks back at her menu before saying, “I texted my psych.”

“What’d they say?” He’s glad she’s taking proactive steps because honestly, nothing will work if she’s a loose cannon. He knows she has potential inside, he’s seen it. 

“They said that I can take my medication, just start with half the dose and increase after a week.”

Ben nods and says, “Good. I think you’ll find that your symptoms will get better if you take it.” 

She shrugs, non-committal, “Perhaps. I’m not putting much faith in it.” 

She then walks her fingers across her empty place setting, and Ben traps her hand in his. No one is watching as he pulls to kiss her knuckles. “I don’t know what the fuck I am to you, but whatever I am I want to be important.” 

He’s trying to be open with her, to get her to open up. She says, like he's crazy, "You are important, Ben."

Maybe that's bullshit, but it feels so good for his soul. Their hands let go.

He never wants to let her go, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["clementine" by halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M214urHhw5o)
> 
> [blue nightgown](https://www.laperla.com/us/bella-cornflower-blue-viscose-short-slip-with-tulle-cfiplm0047860-bln148.html)   
>  [black romper](https://www.urbanoutfitters.com/shop/bdg-dora-cutout-romper?category=dresses&color=001&type=REGULAR&quantity=1)   
>  [Air Jordans ](https://www.stadiumgoods.com/jordan-1-retro-high-bred-toe-555088-610?flow_enabled=false&gclid=CjwKCAjwssD0BRBIEiwA-JP5rKebsVxMDt03DfgP2XBQDnE9ymNnacuUuEeDQ50WoU-eAubMMo1hmhoCL3AQAvD_BwE)   
>  [rooftop restaurant](https://www.restorationhardware.com/content/category.jsp?context=NewYorkCafe)


	10. and i'll get you lost but i'm having fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you making this into a proper date?” 
> 
> She asks, “Is this a date? If this is a date, then I expect you to feed me spaghetti ala Lady and the Tramp and then fuck me until I cum three times.”
> 
> Ben snorts and removes his jacket, “Maybe I will. Would you like that?”
> 
> Rey nods, “I want it more than you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> fett  
> medication talk  
> marriage thoughts from ben (he's fucking hopeless what can i say)  
> food eating

The Vogue interview is what she considers a disaster. 

That much is clear as she slams the door and slumps against it as the interviewer leaves. She puts her head in her hands, tears slipping down her cheeks as she struggles to breathe.

Rose isn’t home, in Manhattan with her visiting sister. It doesn’t stop her from calling her, putting the phone on speaker.

It rings, and rings. She listens to each ring, further cementing her belief that people hate her and that nobody wants anything to do with her. Finally, Rose’s voicemail comes up clear.

“Hey, this is Rose Tico, assistant to Rey Kanata. I’m not here but if you could-” Rey hangs up the phone and hiccups, wiping her eyes and nose and getting off the floor. She strips off as she walks up the stairs, taking herself out of the peach dress, with puff sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. She had remained barefoot, having painted her toes a matching peach a few days before. 

She’s sans bra and only wearing a light pink thong. She knows Ben is still in New York and he spent the night before her pap walk. That had been deeply depressing, and this time, if Rey calls him, she’ll be showing an uncomfortable side of her she doesn’t want him to see.

But her fingers are typing out his name and clicking his contact, and she presses call.

The phone rings.

It rings for a while and Rey is worried that maybe she’s done something wrong until the line clicks. He asks, “Rey?”

She doesn’t cut to the chase, “Are you still in New York?” 

Ben says, “For tonight. I go back to LA tomorrow afternoon.” 

She asks immediately, “Can you come to stay with me for tonight? I don’t feel safe.” Maybe it’s because she’s just had an interviewer in her home and had questions about Fett asked directly to her face to go into Vogue, but she doesn’t feel particularly good. 

Ben says, “Okay. I have a few questions.” 

“Shoot.” 

“Have you eaten and taken your medicine?”

She replies, “No I haven’t eaten yet, and yes I took my medication. I don’t see why that matters, I don’t feel good-”

“It matters. Trust me. You’re a mess when you’re off your medication.” 

She whispers, “Long as that doesn’t make it in the documentary-”

“It wouldn’t. I’d like to think I have a semblance of boundaries. I’ll be over in a bit and we will make dinner together and talk about the Vogue thing. Sound good?” 

She can’t help but agree, “Sounds peachy. See you soon.” 

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Ben stops by a Trader Joes on the way to Brooklyn, picking up the essentials to make a basic spaghetti and meatballs. He’s not the greatest cook, but he cooks whenever he needs to get away from work and do something with his hands.

He figures the same philosophy might lend to Rey.

Walking up to her gate, he puts in the code and walks up the stairs to her front door. Knocking once, twice, thrice, he bites his lip and waits with the grocery bag in his arms. 

She opens up the door, wearing satin black pajamas with her hair tied up in three buns. Her makeup is off, skin looking fresh. She’s practically radiant in the hall's lowlight actually, and he walks in past her. “When you said make dinner-” 

“I mean make dinner. From scratch. Do you not do that, Miss Celebrity?”

Rey mumbles, “You don’t understand that I literally never cook for myself, ever since I went with my moms. I refuse.” 

He shrugs and mumbles, “Live a little.” They walk into her kitchen and he starts removing things from the bag. 

Rey watches him across the island and then says, “Alexa, play classical music.” He raises his brows as the dulcet tones of an orchestra comes on.

She asks, “Wine?” 

“Are you making this into a proper date?” 

She asks, “Is this a date? If this is a date, then I expect you to feed me spaghetti ala Lady and the Tramp and then fuck me until I cum three times.”

Ben snorts and removes his jacket, “Maybe I will. Would you like that?”

Rey nods, “I want it more than you know.” He nods, then beginning to root around her cupboards for the pans and utensils he needs, along with spices and seasonings. Rey has a well-stocked kitchen here, and he wonders why her chef stopped coming. Maybe she found more solace in Postmates than a person, but he wonders how that breakup went. 

Rey walks around the counter and pushes her satin pajama sleeves up her arms. “What are we making?” 

“Spaghetti and meatballs. Only we’re using jarred pasta sauce, which is arguably sacrilege.” She shrugs.

“I wouldn’t know the difference.” She bites her lip and Ben opens the packages of ground sausage and ground beef. Rey hands him a bowl and watches him get ready to cook, and he looks up at her. 

“You’re helping you know. I am not a lonely chef.”

She nods and steps up next to him. “What do I do then?”

“Put the ground meat in the bowl, I’ll start measuring out spices and stuff.” He removes a bag of parmesan cheese from the grocery bag and measures a fourth of a cup. Then he measures out salt, pepper, and bread crumbs. 

Rey does as she’s told and he says, “You got any eggs?” She nods and walks to her fridge and pulls out eggs. She sets them beside him and he cracks one egg into the mixture. “All right, get your hands in there.” 

“My hands?”

“Yeah, mash it up. Get dirty, Miss Popstar.” She stares at him, and he raises his brow.

“I could bend you over and make you pay right here you know. Watch your pretty little pussy flutter around my gigantic cock.” She smiles and stuffs her hands in the bowl, stepping between him and the counter. He boxes her in, his front rubbing against her ass.

He thinks of puppies in order not to get hard (of kittens too), as she kneads her hands in the ground meat and acts as a perfect little sous chef. She mixes it all together, kneading her hands and making faces when he cranes his head to look at her.

This entire thing is so domestic that he allows himself to imagine a wedding band set off to the side and soft new bride giggles. Beautiful things, instead of the fact that she’s clinically drowning, and he’s probably making it worse.

“Why are you staring?”

He explains, “Because you’re gorgeous. It’s unfair.”

She smiles and bites her lower lip. “You know, even though I get called that all the time, it’s different with you. Nicer, meaningful I guess.” A smile spreads across his face and he kisses the top of her head.

He wonders what the media would think of them.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Homemade food tastes better than a restaurant. Or maybe Rey is inflating the taste of the food because she and Ben worked hard on the masterpiece that is their spaghetti and meatballs.

Either way, she scrapes her plate clean, sitting on top of her pink silk bed sheets and next to him. The television plays some kind of music documentary about Lifting Rocks. She’s glad she’s not some drug-addicted musician, especially back in the 1970s when things were crazy.

Things are crazy now, but history always seems to look worse for her. Her therapist once told her it’s because she inherently focuses on the bad, that the past will always register as a no-no that can’t live in her head.

Ben looks like the future, so pretty stretched out next to her with his eyes trained on the screen. He takes documentaries seriously, for obvious reasons. He pauses the screen occasionally and points out random storytelling techniques or marvels at how hard it is to get certain resources. The entire thing is passionate.

Rey gets out of bed, her cats fast asleep at the footboard. Teedo and Bebe cuddle up often, tonight being no exception. He pauses the documentary, and she explains, “I will bring the dishes downstairs. You’re good to keep watching, I’ll be right back.” 

He nods and presses play again, and she grabs both plates to bring downstairs. She also balances the empty wine glasses on it as she walks. Making it down to the kitchen, she sets the plates and glasses in the sink. They already cleaned up their cooking, and the maid will get the dishes tomorrow.

She walks up the stairs once more and back into her bedroom, watching Ben pet her cats. He’s down to his boxer briefs, and she glances at the pile of clothes. “I don’t think they like me much,”

She asks, “The cats?” Bebe is glaring but accepting the pets. Teedo is still fast asleep. 

“Yeah. This one looks mad at me.” Bebe then gets up and stretches out, toes wiggling and butt wiggling too. Then he kicks his legs a few times and darts off the bed, past Ben and zooms into the hallway. 

“He might be. He’s an odd one.” She got them both from the shelter on the same day, unable to pick between them. She sits back on the bed, reaching for his sides and squeezing the muscles that fill him out.

“I could worship your body at your feet.” 

He snorts and trails off, "Would you now?"

She nods fiercely and nips at one of his ribs, causing him to run his hands through her hair. "If only the public knew they liked a little nipper."

She rolls her eyes, “I see nothing wrong with nipping a body I adore.” She’s infatuated with every muscle and inch of him. She squeezes again and feels the resistance in his obliques, tracing down his v-line to just the edge of his boxer briefs. 

Ben watches her with a held breath and she stares up at him. “So, how should I pay you back for dinner? Venmo, cash app, me sucking your cock-”

Ben interrupts, “I’m not in the mood for you to suck me off or cash. What I am in the mood for is to lay you back and get started on those three orgasms I promised.” 

It’s like heaven opens up when he says that, angels singing in her ears about falling in love and getting married to this man. She knows for a fact that is not productive nor necessary.

He asks, to bring her out of her reverie, “You have a vibrator, right?” 

She nods fiercely, “Oh yeah, I have a few.” She stands up and walks past him, heading to her mirrored dresser. It holds all her lounge wear and a few drawers are devoted to miscellaneous adult crap like passports. But the bottom drawer is all her vibrators and other gear. She inherited a lot of the bondagey stuff from Fett, and it’s a brand of sex she’s not willing to try again now. 

She grabs her Hitachi wand that has to plug into the wall, flipping it in her grip like a microphone. Ben looks at it before holding out his hands. He assesses, “I think it’s got to be powerful if it plugs into the wall.” 

Rey says, “You would be correct.” 

Then she brushes her hair out of her face, taking the wand back and leaning down to plug it into her wall, then standing back up. She makes things a little more comfortable, calling, “Alexa, play  _ Say So _ by Loth Kat.”

The poppy beat of the beginning of the song fills the room, and her hands reach to take off her pajama shirt. His hands interrupt hers and take over the job, stepping closer and unbuttoning the pajama top.

She shrugs it off and then he pushes her bottoms down, Rey leaning down to take off her socks. She comes back up to press a kiss into his chest, eyelashes fluttering shut as she presses kisses along his pecs and hopping up on her tiptoes to get even higher. 

He leans down and finally captures her lips, wrapping his arms around her in a bear hug. The song plays in her ears.

_ Day to night to morning, keep with me in the moment _

_ I'd let you had I known it, why don't you say so? _

_ Didn't even notice, no punches left to roll with _

_ You got to keep me focused, you want it, say so _

“God, I never listen to pop.” 

She growls against his lips and shoves him back on the bed. “Careful there, Ben. I make pop music.”

“Yours has lyricism.”

She rolls her eyes and crawls next to him, sitting back up against the exposed wood headboard. Ben sits up and scoots himself between her legs, grabbing the vibrator and focusing intently on her pussy. The entire act sends little tendrils of adoration licking up her spine, looking him straight in the eye as he lays it on top of her clit and presses the button to turn it on.

Her spine goes rigid at the vibrations, shooting up her belly to grab and twist her heart. It could beat out of her chest if she wants it to, but it freezes when he clicks the button again and the vibration goes higher, spine rolling.

Ben is watching her with pure delight, like a kid on Christmas morning. Rey takes a deep breath to steady her spiked nerves, pleasure bringing up older memories in turn of being dissatisfied under someone else.

Rey has never had wonderful sex, orgasms only happening by herself and because of a trusty vibrator. But Ben broke that streak from penetration and playing with her clit. He’s a fucking wizard. 

The song continues as she lets out a few soft whines. 

_ Let me check my chest, my breath right quick _

_ He ain't never seen it in a dress like this _

_ He ain't never even been impressed like this _

_ Prolly why I got him quiet on the set like zip _

_ Like it, love it, need it bad _

_ Take it, only, steal it, fast _

_ Boy, stop playing, grab my ass _

Ben snorts, and she glares at him. 

“It’s an excellent song.” 

“I know. Just laughing at the lyrics.”

Ben then moves the vibrator down a little and she growls, “Right there.” 

He raises his eyebrow. “Did you just growl at me?”

She bites her lip, embarrassed, and Ben leans down and kisses the tip of her nose. That’s when she notices him palming his cock while he watches her wiggle and writhe, faces still close.

He grins like a devil.

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He stays in New York for longer.

Ben knows it’s a mistake, but after sex, Rey mentions Kaydel is flying in to do some work with her for a week.

_ “I figured you could tape it you know?”  _

The studio is called Electric Lady, and it’s a cozy little room with many instruments and an exposed microphone hanging from the ceiling instead of a booth. Because of this, a light flashes outside of the door, to show if someone is recording.

It’s flashing when he arrives, so he waits while peeking into the window at her.

She’s swaying as she sings, bubble tea in her hands as she does.

Kaydel is bopping her head and then the light turns off, Rey stopping her swaying. Ben enters the room, camera on. There’s a dark-skinned girl on the couch, hanging out on a laptop. There’s a bow headband gathering her hair back. “Hi, Ben!” Rey notices the camera, so maybe that’s why she doesn’t run at him. 

Rey fixes her hair for a moment and then turns to Kaydel. “So,” she bites her lip, “how was that?” 

Kaydel says, “Good.” Ben cuts the recording and looks back to the girl on the couch who’s watching all of them.

She locks eyes with him and quickly says, “Jannah, Rey’s stylist.” 

Ben nods, “Ben, the guy with the camera.”

“I gathered.”

He tunes back into Rey and Kaydel, “I’m just worried the song isn’t good enough.” 

Kaydel interjects, “I think it’s a great first single. Very bouncy and poppy.”

Ben says, “Which one is this?” 

Rey turns to respond, and Ben steps closer to her. He’s the biggest in the room, as usual, and he hunches just a little to compliment her better.

“ _ You Need to Calm Down.  _ It was the one I was working on in LA.” Then she looks to Kaydel and Jannah, who have refocused on their work. She pulls him closer.

Then asks, “Where are you staying?” 

He replies, “The same hotel.” 

“You’re welcome to stay in my guest room.” He knows what the guest room means:  _ my bedroom. _

Ben says, “Maybe that’s not an outstanding idea.” If he’s seen leaving her house in the mornings, even for a coffee and a croissant, he’s a goner to media scrutiny. 

She looks like a giant puppy dog, staring up at him, “Please? Rose is still gone with her sister.” Her hand traces over his chest and he sucks in a deep breath. 

She’s hard to resist.

“Okay.”

“You can stay anytime you’re in New York. You’re my director, I’ll copy you a key.”

That’s an awful idea.

He can’t seem to care too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["holy" by king princess](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=132mw7A6BoI)
> 
> [vogue dress](https://www.loveshackfancy.com/collections/dresses/products/castella-dress-peach)   
>  [pink thong](https://www.agentprovocateur.com/us_en/olive-thong-2864)   
>  [black silk pajamas](https://www.agentprovocateur.com/us_en/classic-pj-pyjama-top-159#selection.color=5608)   
>  [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=qLQmZ6aQQCqWrxWS9Ni7Eg)
> 
> songs mentioned:  
> ["you need to calm down" by taylor swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/6RRNNciQGZEXnqk8SQ9yv5?si=P8canqRNQCiXdkiSS-RUDQ)  
> ["say so" by doja cat](https://open.spotify.com/track/3Dv1eDb0MEgF93GpLXlucZ?si=lYpWYXtoQi6rwwt-57V--Q)


	11. i’m curious about you, how’s your day?  (oh tell me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One night, she whispers between the sheets, “Are you coming to South Korea?”
> 
> Ben asks, “Am I invited?”
> 
> She scratches the back of her head and says, breezily, **“Of course you are.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> they go to Korea??? (is that even a tag?)  
> kinky roleplay sex (they pretend to not know each other)  
> rey is worried about sitting on his face due to feeling “too heavy” (I’m pretty sure thats a bad body image tag but ain’t no harm in explaining a situation

Rey is invited to South Korea to film the Boy with Luv video by 3PO.

This offer is caught on camera, in Luke’s office as they have a live listen to the final song to make sure nothing else needs to be done. Ben was invited into that meeting, much to Luke’s chagrin. 

He and Rey are close as can be, thick as thieves and closer in bed. The guest room is a facade he goes into when Rose comes back, only to be pulled out of it and into Rey’s room every single night. 

New love is like this, dizzy and manic. She seems to be happier too, smiling and laughing more. But most of all: she takes less Xanax when he’s around.

One night, she whispers between the sheets, “Are you coming to South Korea?”

Ben asks, “Am I invited?”

She scratches the back of her head and says, breezily, “Of course you are.” 

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Ben hasn’t been on a music video in a solid seven years. He forgets the hustle and bustle every time he’s on a closed set, and this time is no exception. The only thing different is the language being spoken, the choreography being performed in front of him that he’s covertly filming with his DSLR.

They put Rey in a sunset pink wig, that flows down to her ass. Orange melts into the pastel pink to create a beautiful effect. Her outfit is simple too, white high tops and a cream-colored knit two-piece short set. They put a sheer raincoat over the top, and that’s not even mentioning the glitter bomb on her eyes. 

The choreography would be something he would die at, but she’s doing it flawlessly. The guys of 3PO (he met them all in the green room when Rey did) are all upstanding from what he can tell and keep up with her bunny-like energy.

Overall, filming a music video with Rey is professional and fun. She occasionally makes funny faces at the camera and then at him. She’s bubbly and bright, and everything a pop star should be.

It’s a closed set so the threat of fans peeking in is low. Rey seems to be looser because of that, having more fun.

The process of them filming is also a whirlwind. They all move in seemingly perfect synchrony, the boys and her. Plus the song is catchy, even if he has no idea what the fuck is being said. They all congregate between takes with each other, laughing and smiling over any fuck ups.

Though during one camera set up, she bounces over to him, past the makeup artist seeking her face to touch up. She stops right before him and he lowers the camera. She looks from side to side before stepping closer, pressing a glossy kiss on his cheek.

Then she winks, and walks past him to ask for a piece of gum from a PA.

He resists wiping off the gloss.

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They get done at the shoot relatively late, and Rey is wiped. That much is obvious as she enters their shared hotel room, the wig still on her head. They let her keep it at her request, and it’s installed for another two days if she’s careful about showering.

Ben closes the door as she collapses in bed, in her bright yellow Adidas tracksuit. She’s still wearing the makeup from the shoot and she’s planning on getting mileage on it. He stands at the foot of the bed and says, “Get changed, I’m going to take you out.” 

She groans, “But-”

“But nothing. It’s only to the hotel bar, and I think you’ll like the view from what I saw online.” Rey sighs, but she knows she packed a date night type dress for an occasion like this. She just didn’t expect to use it, but she gets up.

Walking to her suitcase, Ben is putting away his camera for the night. It manages to fit in the safe, along with the hard drive and memory cards he uses. She plucks out the pink dress, with spaghetti straps, and a little short. “Should I wear heels? Is it that kind of date?” 

“Actually, I have an idea.”

That gets her to turn around and he’s viewing her. “I want to play a fun game.” 

She asks, “A game?”

He nods, “Where we pretend we don’t know each other and try to pick each other up.” So Ben Solo is kinky.

He continues, “I figured with the wig-”

Rey agrees, “Do you pick me up, or I pick you up?”

He replies, “Go with the flow. Though I gotta admit-”

He brushes hair out of his face and says, “Getting hit on by a popstar would check off some boxes.” 

“Fucking one too?” Maybe Rey can love the height of her status like this: being fawned over by a large man with a lens on her life. She’s an ant, he a magnifying glass.

She’s just waiting for the sun to begin to burn her.

They’re in South Korea, romance is in the air, and he’s pulling her close. “Especially that. But we already know that your pussy makes me crazy.” 

She giggles and then he lets her go. “Get dressed. I’ll head up and get started.”

Rey pouts for a second before finally nodding along, “I’ll see you soon. I won’t take long.” She’s already got makeup on and all she needs are clothes and heels. Of course, a little bit of freakout time is needed too, given that she’s running into the unknown in Gianvito Rossi pumps. 

Ben nods, “Head to the top floor when you’re ready. See you soon, honey.” That makes her fucking melt, nearly into a puddle like a Mickey bar.

He leaves the hotel room and the door shuts quietly. Rey springs into action, clutching herself and screeching. This will be one of the kinkier things she’s done in a long time and that honestly scares her.

But there’s a thrill aspect too, knowing that he’s only there for her. The shoes are iridescent and gorgeous, sent to her by the designer. Rey fixes her hair a little before sliding on the dress, stepping into the shoes. 

Rey makes sure she has her keycard and phone, leaving her wallet in the room. She’s not expecting to buy her own drinks (more like charge the room), or Ben will buy them.

She needs to get in the right headspace, that much is obvious as she leaves the hotel room and heads to the elevator. Hell, she could probably take the stairwell but she doesn’t feel like it as she presses the elevator button. The door dings and opens up, heels clicking as she steps in and presses the top floor. The door slides closed and she spies herself in the mirrored panels, looking like an entirely different girl. The wig really does wonders for her inability to recognize herself sometimes.

She doesn’t have long to ponder, given the door opens up to a windowed hallway that leads to an archway into a bar called  _ The Griffin.  _ Rey steps out and walks to the bar.

It’s mostly empty, given it’s a hotel bar. She spies Ben, sitting down with a whiskey on the rocks. She traipses over to a chair, sitting three seats down and getting the attention of the bartender.

She says, “Open a tab on room 0923.”

Then she idly glances at the menu, opening it up to a random page and picking something that sounds good. 

“And a citrus tonic. Thank you.” She brushes her hair out of her face and glances over at Ben. He’s sipping his whiskey, and she straightens up in her seat like a bird posturing for a mate. Her eyes focus on the bartender, lips tugging between her teeth. 

Rey tries something childish first. She sweeps the room key off the bar and onto the floor, pretending as if she didn’t notice. It takes a few minutes of waiting for him to pick it up to realize that he probably won’t, so she’s back to square 1 of seduction.

Swallowing her pride, she gets up as her drink is being set down. Holding her skirt in place, she bends down and grabs the room key. Tossing it back on the bar, she  _ harrumphs  _ over this. Plopping back down, she notices Ben finished his drink. 

She gets the bartender’s attention again and gestures to him, “Whatever he got, on me.”

The bartender nods and she sips her overglorified gin and tonic. It’s much more citrus-based, as the name would suggest. Luckily whiskey on the rocks is fast to pour, and Ben’s drink is in front of him in a flash. 

Ben looks over at her, and she holds up her drink in mock cheers before sipping from her straw. That gets him to bite, Ben getting up and moving down right next to her. 

“Can I join you?”

Rey tries her best to be nonchalant, “I don’t see why not.”

Ben sits down at the stool and takes a long drink from his whiskey on the rocks. “I’m Ben.” 

She introduces, “Rey. I’m here on business, what about you?” 

He sighs wistfully, “A girl wanted me here.” 

She clicks her tongue and says, “I’m not opposed to crazy schemes for love, but where is she if she wanted you here?” This conversation makes her giddy.

Ben shrugs, “Does that matter?” Her belly lights up at the way his nose wrinkles, at how he’d theoretically bypass a girl for her.

She’s in fucking deep. She smiles to herself and says, “No I suppose it doesn’t. What do you do Ben?” 

He replies, “I make documentaries. Boring shit really.” She wants to chastise him, but she still hasn’t seen a documentary by him. She knows she should be a good...whatever she is but it’s hard to sit down and watch things these days.

She says instead, “I’m sure they aren’t.”

He snorts and sips more whiskey. “Got a boyfriend?” 

She shakes her head, “No actually. I don’t.” She wonders if that's the right answer for a moment like this.

Apparently it is, because he nods while smoothing out his chin.

There’s only one way to find out who wins: keep playing the game.

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They end up on the roof, her in his lap. That admittedly doesn’t take long, Ben looking like an enticing place to sit and exist with for awhile.

Seoul is beautiful at night, the city skyline twinkling around them. He holds her close, whiskey abandoned in opt of kissing her gloss covered lips.

The moment is private, as if they’re two kids falling in love without the judgment of the cruel world to dash their hopes like she threw Fett’s phone across the tile. She runs her hands through his hair as they make out.

His lips pull away to travel down her neck, and Rey asks, “Wanna come to my room, Ben?”

He looks up at her, still holding her close. She’s very sober, only drinking two drinks that leave her system quick. 

“Feels a little presumptuous, Rey.” 

Did she mess up? She bites her lip and he laughs, “I’m kidding. Let’s head to your room.” She hops off his lap and checks for her keycard and phone, having both on her person. She holds Ben’s hand as they leave the bar, hitting the button to go down a few levels. He holds her close, swaying with her as they wait for the elevator.

He whispers, “Are you wearing panties under that dress?” 

She nods her head and he whispers, “A shame.” The elevator opens and they both step in, Rey pressing their floor. Ben’s lips go back to her neck, biting and sucking marks easily hidden by her hair. 

The ride is short, leaving no room for friskiness that they could get caught for. Walking to the room, her pumps teeter on the carpet. Tapping the keycard, the door swings open and their lips are on each other immediately, before the door can even shut.

He dominates her easily, bunching her dress up at her hips as they kiss. Her hands come to drag the thong down her legs, and she steps out of it and nearly trips in her heels. Ben catches her, their lips breaking so he can laugh.

“Okay clumsy.” 

“Bite me.” The quip earns her a kiss before he takes off her dress, leaving her nude in the middle of the room while he steps back and examines her.

Ben then sheepishly smiles, “God, you’re so beautiful.”

She bites her lip. “Do you say that to other girls too?”

He recovers easily, “Not unless they’re a fine specimen like you.” His fingers run through her extra-long and orange to pink faded locks. Then he brushes her hair out of her face and leans to kiss her again, letting her fingers work to open his belt and slide it through the loops.

Eventually, she drops to her knees and works his cock out of his briefs and into her mouth. Ben inhales sharply and she starts to suck him off. Her eyes lid, then shut as she sucks, bobbing her head and swirling her tongue. 

The way he tugs on her tresses, controlling and moving her head on top of his cock, drives her wild. He hardens up in her mouth, getting increasingly impossible to take (even though she could never deep throat him before). Her fingers dance between her legs, dipping inside herself wantonly and scissoring in and out.

Ben notices this and doesn’t let it fly. “Wanna sit on my face?” 

The brakes squeal and Rey stops sucking, staring up through her lashes and taking a deep breath through her nose. She pulls off and asks, “Aren’t I too heavy?” She’s lithe, but she’s not that small-

“Get on my face.” He walks to their shared bed. 

Rey blurts, “Can I undress you first?”

Ben pauses before he nods, “I suppose so.” Rey gets to work at pulling both his briefs and jeans down. Then she pushes his silk bomber jacket off his shoulders and tugs the shirt over his head.

“I think you can do your socks, right?” 

He nods and bends down while she stands before him, naked as can be. She assesses his muscles while he takes off his socks, physique perfectly honed and disciplined with evidence of hard work. He must lift beyond kickbox, and she is a varied workout type. She needs to start getting back in shape again, tour bound to kick her ass if she’s not in peak physical condition; depression has made her weak.

Ben finishes up and he looks her straight in the eye while he goes and lies down. She’s unbelievably nervous about this but she sucks it up, crawling onto the bed and still in her heels. She wants to keep them on, feeling more like a sex symbol than a simple girl. 

She straddles either side of his shoulders, poising herself over his mouth. This is a game of chance, a leap of faith. 

Rey isn’t a fucking pussy ass bitch.

Though she has to ask one more time, “Are you sure?”

To answer her question, he yanks her onto his face and begins to lick and suck with that beautiful mouth of his. She keens and shuts her eyes tight, gripping the headboard.

Ben keeps going, holding her thighs in place to keep her from lifting off. It’s pure torture and she needs it to survive. The kisses and sucking feels so delicious, biting down on her lip and her knuckles turning white. She takes a peek down and he looks like he’s in heaven, eyes half-lidded as he eats his meal. 

She says, “You magnetic force of a man.”

He chuckles beneath her and continues on, and she decides to keep her praise going, effectively breaking the veil of not knowing each other, “You like me for me, and I like you so much.” 

Ben lets her get off his face and sit on his chest, wiping his mouth as she does it. Then he says, “I knew you would break character first.” 

“Oh fuck off, I just told you I liked you.”

He smiles and retorts, “Oh I heard it. I definitely heard it.” She grins brightly.

Then she asks, a little sheepish, “Can we do doggy style so I stop staring at your pretty face? I get distracted easily, and I’d write a song about this mug.” She feels along his jaw, and Ben’s dimples pop.

“I’m sure we can arrange an even better position for that.”

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Waking up with Rey is a treat he will never take for granted. Even if this all ends and he’s left in the dust by her.

She holds onto him, eyes shut as the light streams into their hotel room from the windows. Ben had to do a double take to make sure it was Rey, based on the wig. Once all is well, he strokes through her hair and watches her nose scrunch.

Then she snuggles closer and opens her eyes, staring straight at his naked chest and then smiling a little. He pretends he doesn’t see it and looks back up at the ceiling. 

Rey speaks, “What time is it?”

He glances over at the clock, “Seven. You wore me out, you know.” 

She snorts, “Maybe you’re just old.”

He laughs at that, “Probably.” Then he adjusts so he can look into her eyes better, scooting down the bed. 

“How do I spend more time with you and get more footage of you?” That’s something he needs to know. 

Rey replies, “I...I was thinking about something while you were balls deep inside of me.” 

“Good way to put it.”

She replies, “I was thinking that maybe I would let Rose go home and we could hop over to Japan so I could write for a week.” 

His interest sparks in the idea, never having been to Japan before. “We’d probably stay in Tokyo, but I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to come.” 

Ben agrees, “I’ll go.” 

She sits up and brushes her hair out of her face. He continues, “Of course I’ll go. To get intimate footage.”

She asks, “Not to spend time with me as aforementioned?” 

He rolls his eyes and says, “You know I mean both, dummy.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 12 should be directly up after this one, if not, within the next day. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [“boy with luv” by BTS (feat halsey)](https://youtu.be/XsX3ATc3FbA)
> 
> [the “boy with luv” video](https://youtu.be/XsX3ATc3FbA)
> 
> [pumps](https://www.gianvitorossi.com/us_en/woman/pumps/sabin.html)   
>  [dress](https://www.hellomolly.com/us/dresses/mini/noughts-and-crosses-dress-pink.html)


	12. us in a king-size, keep it a secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t expect to be in such a huge penthouse with only her, living like king and queen.
> 
> **And he’s got this luxury for ten days.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> they fuck in a japanese love hotel  
> discussion of BDSM and bad BDSM practices/experiences  
> food eating  
> stripper pole  
> ben is particularly vulnerable (so is she)

Japan is a dreamland.

They touched down before noon, immediately having to take a hired car to get Rey to a decent guitar rental place for songwriting. At the last second though, she gets a keyboard with a big smile towards the camera. “Songwriting essentials, you know?”

Then there’s the long drive to their Airbnb, in a Tokyo high rise that requires codes to get into. It’s a penthouse though, booked on Rey’s dime and very evidently out of his lodging budget for this documentary. He’d have to triple his budget to stay here for a week probably.

Ben sets down their bags, offering to carry them to gain much needed and appreciated brownie points with her. She’s wearing a pretty pink colored dress, printed with cartoon cherries and flaring out to mid thigh. To surprisingly throw it back a few years, she’s wearing white creepers. She struts into the penthouse, looking around while carrying her rented guitar. The driver follows them with the keyboard and Ben knows his next task is setting it up.

“I chose good, huh?” She’s goading him for praise and his mouth opens until his eyes land on something unexpected.

There’s a stripper pole in the living room. This is not something he would expect in Tokyo (Las Vegas would be the destination he would expect). He views it with a dry mouth, imagining her writhing against the pole with a rhythm unmatched.

Rey notices it too, looking utterly unsurprised. He realizes, she chose this place for it. Then she sets her guitar on the couch, “Bedroom is upstairs, honey.”

He shakes his head to snap out of it and heads for the stairs. He didn’t expect to be in such a huge penthouse with only her, living like king and queen.

And he’s got this luxury for ten days.

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Some writing gets done when she arrives.

Rey makes sure she does something, so she plants herself in the living room, wearing only a t-shirt with a panty and bra set beneath. 

She starts a song called  _ Icy.  _ It’s based off of the rhetoric going through her head on the plane when she thought about Fett for her scheduled once a week revisit of all her mistakes. She strums her guitar, alternating chord progressions until she finds something easy on the ears. Then she gets out her phone where she notated a chorus in her head, and tests it out. 

_ Now I got a ice cold heart _

_ VVS' is the only kinda ice I want _

_ Kinda funny how the money can't replace the love _

_ So numb, I don't feel it inside me _

_ So dumb, I believed you really liked me _

_ 'Cause of you, now my heart is so icy  _

Ben is sitting in the same room as her as she sings, editing something on his laptop. His eyes train on her as she does sing, and then he looks back at his computer when she’s done. Rey likes having another reaction to her song writing, so she continues to write for most of the day.

Without her knowing, Ben manages to order food. How he does it is a mystery, given that everything was obviously in Japanese when she looked up takeout near their apartment. Ben comes back into their apartment with the to-go bag and two bottles of something. 

Rey sets her guitar aside and gets up, walking over to him as he sets the bag and bottle on the kitchen counter, taking off his corduroy jacket. She picks up a bottle and tries to read the Japanese to no avail.

Ben says, “Umeshu, plum wine. I got drunk off this shit at a film school party one time.” Of course he did. 

“What did you get for food?” She looks into the bag and he takes out two boxes, opening them up to reveal what looks like a pancake piled high with all sorts of meat and vegetables.

He explains, “Okonomiyaki. Basically like a savory pancake.” She nods and he takes the box at bottom and puts it in the freezer. She raises her eyebrows. 

“We eat dinner before dessert in this house.” 

She snorts and takes the box, grabbing a (thankfully the Airbnb owner knows how stupid she is) fork. Ben grabs the chopsticks out of the bag and breaks them in half. Rey settles on the couch as Ben pours umeshu on the rocks and she starts eating what might be the tastiest meal she’s ever had. The savoriness of the pork, the crunch of cabbage, the ginger bursting out on her palette all make her feel warm and cozy inside.

A glass of liquor settles before her and she takes a long sip of the sugary liquor, hitting her with a sour kick right at the end that makes her lips pucker. Then she drains her glass, Ben watching her.

Once she sets it down, he says, “You know that’s like fifteen percent alcohol probably.” 

She shrugs, knowing she’ll sober up eventually. For now, because her brain has been creative all day, she wants to drink. Rey gets up and moves the bottle in front of them, pouring herself more and letting it sit as she tries to figure out how to work the television. Ben asks, “All you have to say is we’re getting drunk tonight.”

She nods, “If you can even get drunk. Wouldn’t it take a vat of liquor?”

He snorts, “You’d be shocked to learn that I can get drunk. Last time I did, someone posted a video of me busting down at Cannes.”

She giggles and retorts, “I bet it was very cute to witness.” She’d love to watch Ben dance, never having the opportunity to before. She keeps eating, munching away at what she considers to be the best pancake in the cosmic world. Eventually she turns on the television and turns on an odd but fun Japanese game show. Some lady is sticking her feet in a container of octopus.

Ben wrinkles his nose, “That’s gotta be weird.”

“People would argue sex without a condom is weird.” 

“No one argues that, Rey.” He shakes his head to himself and sips his drink. She sticks her tongue out and blows, watching his eyes then narrow. 

He pounces on top of her, Rey shrieking in laughter. He pins her down beneath his huge body, then straddling her in the space between the coffee table and couch. They both breathe hard at the tussle and she finds herself saying, “You know, you can’t make me horny right now.” 

“Why not?”

She mumbles, “I’m supposed to be writing, remember?” 

“Take a break. You can’t force creativity.” She rolls her eyes but gets his point. Maybe it’s not the best idea to power through a writing session.

“Besides, does my huge, hulking, massive-“

“I get it.” He smiles and gets off of her, helping her sit up again. Rey continues to eat her food with voracity until she finishes every last bite, licking her fork clean. She’s got a complex about hunger after growing up food insecure. 

Then she starts drinking again, relaxing against the front of the couch and looking through her notebook she’s been writing notation in. Icy is almost done, and she’s started another song on another page.

“Hey, how does this sound to you?”

Ben perks up and she reads out, “Nice to meet you, where you been? I could show you incredible things, magic, madness, heaven sin. Saw you there and I thought oh my God, look at that face, you look like my next mistake. Love's a game, want to play?” She reads it like one would read Shakespeare, only including a bouncier rhythm.

Ben nods, “Sounds good to me, what’s it sound like on guitar?” Rey leans over and picks up the acoustic guitar, moving the capo up a few frets. Then she starts to strum, B to D, to G as she sings it.

Then she trails off, “I think this song is gonna be like…”

She rubs her chin and comes up with it, “Making fun of the stereotypes people put on my dating life?”

Ben asks, “Like the rumors that you burn through men faster than money?” 

She nods, and he shrugs, “I think it’s a great idea. Give the media something to consume and make fun of themselves with.” 

His affirmations make her feel so much better and she’s setting the guitar aside and crawling up into his lap. Her hands come to run through his hair and their lips connect. His hands crawl up the back of her tee and she grinds down into his thigh with ferocity unmatched. There’s something about a man getting delicious food and liquor for her that gets her hot like none other. 

Ben pulls away from her and whispers, “Easy there. You still need to eat dessert.”

“I thought that was you.”

That makes him laugh and she can’t help but smile. 

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They get wasted.

It’s not hard, with two bottles of umeshu and another bottle of wine that Rey finds in a cabinet. They drink until things become funny, and she gets close to him to kiss and fondle all over his body like some kind of worshipper. 

Ben holds her close as she touches him, giggling to herself as the television plays in the background. Then she looks up, a mischievous look tinting her eyes as she rolls her hips on top of him. 

“Can you do something...funny for me?”

He questions, “What?”

Rey replies, “Can you writhe against that pole for me, baby?”

He begins to shake his head, “There’s no way-“

She pouts and looks up at him with big puppy dog eyes. Ben finds himself caving quickly at that, his heart flipping over and wanting to please her with the utmost urgency that not even a well trained dog could pose.

Ben is whipped with a capital W. He gets it from his deadbeat musician father, a wizard of wooing girls with a guitar.

Rey doesn’t seem to mind having someone so loyal to her, and he says, “Uh...okay.” He starts for the pole and she clicks her tongue. 

Looking back, Rey says, “Can you take off your clothes?”

He squeaks, “All of them?”

She shrugs, “Your briefs can stay. I think I’d laugh at your dick flopping around too much.” Then she smiles wide, and Ben finds himself pulling his shirt over his head. Then he strips off his jeans, already shamefully half hard in his boxers.

“Socks too.” Those go as soon as she demands it, the tile cold beneath his feet. Then he turns, looking at the pole. He hears Rey rise off the couch, walking to the speakers with an aux cord hanging off the media center. She plugs in her phone, changes the channel, and turns on “Buttons” by the Tooka Dolls. 

He’s heard this song, ironically in a strip club Snoke took him to at the beginning of his project. Looking back over his shoulder at her, he watches her plop down on the couch. 

There’s a heavy beat that sounds vaguely like exploring a market in a fantasy desert land. He steps up to the pole, looking it up and down. He’s afraid he’s going to bring it down with all 260 pounds of him. Especially given that they’re in a country where things are built for people less tall than he. 

He calculates the cost in his head that he could owe the Airbnb. Realistically he could pay it, but that money could also buy a lot of lens cleaner in the future. “Are you shy or something?” Rey sounds like an impatient princess, and his eyebrows raise. Then he grabs the pole with one hand, putting it between his legs as he grinds up against it. Ben doesn’t have hips like a stripper would, or the coordination.

He shakes his ass towards her to make up for his body’s insolence, and sees her smile in satisfaction. Twirling around the pole carefully, he tries very hard to get into the song and loosen up. Sometimes he moves off the pole to grind his body against the air or show off his muscles. If you told him that the gym making him huge would pay off in the form of being able to woo a popstar on a pole, he would’ve laughed at you.

It’s more hot than funny right now as the song begins to fade out, thankfully shorter than he expected. Rey would be the type to pick out an eight minute power ballad like some sort of sick challenge. She rises off the couch, reaching for the hem of her t-shirt that reads “Cupid is stupid”. Tugging it over her head, she shows off a lingerie set that makes his mouth dry. 

The bra is sheer, pink hearts printed across the fabric. The straps are leather, lining the cups as well. The panties match the theme, and it’s like heaven has opened up and angels are singing. But she walks past him, and he watches after her as she heads for the stairs.

He asks, feeling stupid and exposed, “What are you doing?” 

Rey calls, “Getting heels. I want you to sit and get your cock out.” 

Ben watches her bound up the stairs, doing what she tells him.

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Rey rifles through her suitcase for the pink platform heels, nearly tearing it apart.

She doesn’t know what she’s going to do when she gets downstairs. She’s not good at seduction, but she thinks she might’ve just done something with the lingerie choice. You can see nearly everything through them.

She wishes she still had the wig though, taken out before she hopped on the plane to Tokyo. Rey finds her heels and yanks them out, sitting on the spacious bed and sliding them on, buckling at the ankles. 

Then she stands up on them, instantly five inches taller. She steps out of the bedroom, being careful about shutting the door and going down the stairs. Ben is still sitting on the couch, fully nude now. His cock is full mast against his thigh, huge and reddened at the head. She’s forgotten how girthy he actually is upon sight, his cock being the type you see in well produced porn. 

She brushes her hair out of her face as she walks straight up to him, watching his legs part a little to accommodate how she drops between them. Then she bites her lip, taking his cock in her grip. His breath hitches, and she blinks slow, lashes beating like butterfly wings. 

“I forgot to say thank you. I’m so wet after watching that.” It’s true, her panties feel a little damp in the lined crotch. She sits back on her heels and the block digs into her ass. She could care less, glossy and bitten lips wrapping around the head of his cock.

His eyes roll back into his head for a moment as his back rests against the back of the couch to open up his body and give her somewhere to hold onto to keep his hips from bucking.

She sucks his cock with shut eyes, savoring the taste of him and adoring every drop of pre-cum that hits her tongue too. She bobs her head, slurping and sucking as she does. She pulls off and coats her spit up and down his length, even the inches she’ll never be able to reach. 

Ben grabs her by the back of her hair and tilts her head to look up at him. He quietly says, “Thank you. I don’t...I don’t know what I did to make you like me.” 

She stops her handjob in its tracks and responds, just as quiet, “I just do. It’s hard to explain.” 

Ben asks, “Can you try? I’ve just grown up thinking that everything about me was in some form...undesirable.” Ben has insecurities, just like she does. 

She immediately wants to quell them, so she crawls into his lap and holds either side of his face while she whispers, “I like the way you breathe. I like how you hold a camera. I like how safe you make me feel. I like how strong you are. I like your drive. I like your huge fucking nose bunting up against me when you give me head.”

She kisses him chastely so she can keep going, “I like so much about you but the thing that matters is that I don’t ever want to do this process with anyone else. You’re helping me heal, I guess.” 

Ben strokes through her hair and replies with, “I’ll do anything to help you heal. I promise.” 

She nods, and hopes so.

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The good thing about Japan is that no one really seems to recognize her.

Ben also seemingly intimidates away any potential pictures, Rey seeing a few instances of teenage girls taking one look at him and tucking their paper and pen away. He looks more like security than a boyfriend not boyfriend, so she tucks even closer to him as they walk through the busy and bright streets. 

All the lights make it feel like day, and it makes her neon lime-yellow bodycon dress stand out against her skin. Luckily she chose to wear Jordans instead of heels, and its lending her well in walking. 

Getting around Tokyo with Ben seems to be a snap, given he’s the one getting them around and tugging on her arm when she stops and stares at something for too long. Occasionally he lets her go into stores, or stop at a street vendor and get something to eat post-sushi meal.

She’s throwing away Mochi she got from a shop and Ben is looking through his guidebook and cross comparing streets to see where they are. Worst case scenario, they’re a little lost for a few hours. Ben then looks up, then looking over at her. He clears his throat. 

“You ate all of it?”

Rey asks, “Did you want some?” The camera is around his neck, and he holds it up to film her.

“Let it show on record, that Miss Rey Unknown Middle Name Kanata ate all the mochi ice cream without giving me, Ben Chewbacca Solo, any. This is America’s favorite pop star.” She rolls her eyes and wipes her mouth with a leftover napkin, too self conscious to be caught eating on camera.

He asks, “Where are we right now?”

She keeps it casual, “Tokyo. And so far, I’m inspired.” 

Then she covers the lens and gets on her tiptoes to kiss him. He clicks the recording off and lets the camera hang between them as they lock lips. Ben then runs his hand down her waist and grabs her ass, squeezing the cheek. She blushes deep and swats his hand away.

He still remains close and whispers, “I have an idea of something we could do.” 

She looks up and he points to another street if they take a left, with what look to be hotels with garish neon signs. Rey says, “We have an Airbnb-“

“Honey, these are  _ love  _ hotels.”

That doesn’t illuminate anything for her and Ben explains as they walk towards it, dashing across the street, “Basically rooms you can fuck in. Some of them are themed.” 

She stops when they reach the pavement and he stops with her, making sure they’re out of the way of the pedestrian flow. Then Rey asks, “Are they private?” She doesn’t want to end up on Pornhub and recognized. 

“Yes, they are.” 

Tempting, so tempting as he gets even closer to her, tipping her chin up. “I want to fuck you within an inch of your life in a tacky themed room. I know we could do that in Vegas too but this is better. I promise this is better.”

She’s glad she’s wearing crotchless panties as a little surprise. She nods her head, “Let’s go.” 

Ben walks her towards one of the hotels, and she realizes he might’ve been leading her here. She doesn’t mind, obviously, tucked under his arm as they walk to a hotel with pink neon signs in Japanese. Ben looks up at it, seemingly reading it.

He’s been studying Japanese while they’re here, and he also must know what to do when it comes to these types of hotels. “They can be a little...judgy of foreigners. For good reason, so let me just talk and get us a room.”

He starts towards the door and she stops him by tugging on his arm. “Can we not...do BDSM?” Fett was the last person she did BDSM with and it was not a good experience. She doesn’t want to revisit that trauma point with Ben, much preferring a therapist to perform measures to clear the trauma. It’s been awhile since she’s been to therapy, and she wonders what Hera thinks of what she’s doing right now.

Ben nods. “Cross my heart, hope to die.” 

Then she walks towards him and they traipse into the hotel. The lobby is small, a woman at the counter who looks them over with speculation. Rey tries offering a warm smile. Then the woman points to a “English Speaking Establishment” sign.

Ben looks a bit relieved and asks, “We’re looking to rent one of your themed rooms for the night.”

She nods and asks, “What sort of theme are you looking for? Kawaii, a little darker?”

Rey answers immediately, “Maybe a combo of both?”

Then she looks at Ben, “Right babe?” He nods, swallowing so hard his Adam’s apple bobs. 

“Right. We’ll take what’s available like that.” The woman nods and inputs something into her computer. Then Ben hands over his card and the rest is history. They’re given a key with a black furry tail attached to the ring. 

She twirls it testingly and then looks at Ben as he’s putting his card away. “I hope this didn’t go on the production budget.” He’s made sure to put the lens cap over the camera before they even entered the establishment.

“We got a walk up some stairs, so I’d get started, honey.”

She smiles wide to herself, anticipation running hot in her blood. 

She can’t wait to get in the room.

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Ben should’ve known from the tail on the keychain.

The door is black, unlike the other random colored doors on this floor. 

An ornate and almost Victorian gothic knob sits on the face of it and he shoves the key in the lock and pops the door open to what he believes could be the simultaneous best and worst thing of his life.

It’s Hello Kitty everywhere: walls, paintings, light fixtures, you fucking name it. The twist is that they’re all goth, dressed in black with little spike collars and whips and chains in their hands in some cases.

Clearly they got the goth Hello Kitty BDSM room, and he looks over at Rey. She looks absolutely delighted with this turn of events and she rushes to the bed to jump on top of it, ripping off her sneakers in the process.

Ben sets the camera down, facing it towards a wall. He doesn’t want to document that he fucked a popstar in a Hello Kitty playland; the memory would be much better than anything the film could show him.

She looks back at him, over her shoulder as she sits back on her socked feet. “Is this okay with you, I know there’s BDSM-“

She answers, “It’s just on the walls, Ben. I’m fine.” Ben nods and shrugs off his black leather jacket, trying not to let the room psyche him out. He can fuck her in here for sure, no doubt about it.

“Alright, I want to fuck you from the back.” He doesn’t know any other graceful way to say it, he’s been hard since they went up the stairs. It’s like his body was registering that he was going to get laid very near in the future.

“Take off your dress though.” She huffs and does as she’s told, reaching behind her and unzipping the dress. Then she shimmies it off and he views her very risqué and crotchless panties she’s wearing.

“When did you put those on? Were you waiting for me?” 

She nods and wiggles her butt like a cat would. Ben rubs his hand on the cheek and he tugs his shirt over his head. Then he takes off his pants and briefs, stroking his cock.

Her hand comes between her legs and rubs at her clit as he bunts up against her. Ben shoves her hand down and pushes in, hearing her squeak and jolt a little forward. He holds her thighs as he fully sheaths himself, thrusting in and out slowly.

He rather likes crotchless panties, looking like a cute frame around his dick slipping inside of her cunt. His hands hold onto her tight as he fucks her, holding in growls and groans at how she occasionally tightens down on him and seemingly milks his cock of pre-cum.

“Babe?”

He asks, “Yeah?”

Rey whispers, “I can’t stop staring at the Hello Kitty mural behind the bed.”

He asks, eyes shut, “There’s another mural?” 

She answers, “Yes.”

He opens his eyes and takes a peek, not disappointed. It’s more Hello Kitty obviously but her septum is pierced and she’s in an all leather catsuit. A cat of nine tails is in her paw and he’s really glad that he can maintain his hardness after looking at it.

It just feels wrong to fuck in an effigy to BDSM goth Hello Kitty, like he’s disturbing sacred space thats not meant for him. Rey is loving this though, moaning up a storm as he fucks her, his hand winding in her hair to tug. 

That’s as rough as he’ll get with her, and no one can convince him otherwise. He knows she’s not ready for pain during sex, not now anyways. He’s not even sure of his own feelings about pain accompanying pleasure. He’s had a girl use her teeth on a blowjob and he didn't like it at all. 

Would other pain feel different? He traces a patch of freckles on her left ass cheek, then leaning over her back as he thrusts into her. “You can rub your clit now. I want you to.” Correction, he needs it, but he’s not willing to admit that to her quite yet.

Rey does as she’s told and rubs her clit, meeting each of his thrusts with a bounce. That’s rotting his brain with lewd, Ben’s thrusts getting harder. She’s working so hard for him and fucking him like it’s what her body is made to do. 

The fact that she’s so much more than some precious fucktoy he’d keep around previously makes his heart race. She comes apart before him, shuddering and threatening to collapse on her face. He catches her though, holding her hips up and continuing to fuck her.

She never said stop, and he’s done something right as she twitches and practically shrieks with another orgasm. That’s when he blows, spilling cum into her and letting his hips stutter and stop thrusting completely. 

Then he rubs the small of her back lovingly, asking as he pulls out, “All good?”

She says, so quietly he swears he might’ve not heard her right, “That was amazing.”

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They decide to sleep at the Airbnb, because all the Hello Kitty eyes got creepy.

Unfortunately, Ben can’t sleep due to all the time zone changes, his body giving up on it completely.

He sits up in bed and edits, splicing together rough footage and fixing sound where he feels comfortable he can. The whole thing will be handed off to an editing team eventually but he wants his rough cut to be at least considered in the linear narrative of the documentary. 

Rey snores beside him, well fucked after their second time after his refractory period. Bruises bloom across her tits, Ben being a little bit of a biter. He just wants people to know she’s his, and his only. He wishes he could wake her up and have his way with her again, but he knows she needs a lot of sleep to function. 

He saves his project one last time, then being careful of putting the saved version on the hard drive that’s practically glued to him. Then he ejects it properly and shuts his laptop, setting it on the wood floor. The bed is very style forward, low to the ground and not considering that a 6’4 man would be staying here. 

Then he adjusts in the bed, trying to shut his eyes and go to bed. His mind races a mile a minute though. She’s seemingly anything and everything for him, making him feel whole in so many areas. But there are also drained areas, depleted down by emotional labor that sometimes isn’t reciprocated. 

She makes him so nervous sometimes. She’s a ticking time bomb that’s ready to blow at any moment, and Ben doesn’t want emotional shrapnel in his chest. But the man who adores her, who sees her as his newest muse, needs her to stay whole. Ben turns on his side and stares at her sleeping form, at how drool trickles out of her mouth and her eyelids scrunch and unscrunch. 

Then she suddenly sits up, getting him to jump a little. She groggily says, “Paper, pen, need paper pen.” He scrambles out of bed as he listens to her hum to herself. He rips his notebook and fountain pen out of a pocket in his backpack, tossing both to her.

Rey finds a clean page and starts to write while she hums, Ben watching on in complete confusion and wonder. Is she writing a song that she saw in a dream?

She softly sings to herself, staring at the page.

_ Easy they come, easy they go _

_ I jump from the train, I ride off alone _

_ I never grew up, it's getting so old _

_ Help me hold onto you _

Then she writes more, inspiration flowing through her veins. Ben stays where he is. She sings each line as she pens it.

_ I've been the archer _

_ I've been the prey _

_ Who could ever leave me, darling? _

_ But who could stay? _

Then she gets up, walking past him with the notebook in her hand, naked as can be. He follows after her downstairs, not even caring his cock is out on display or that his hair is fucked up.

She’s picking up the guitar and strumming testingly, gaining momentum and a thread of music that winds around his head and hugs it so softly. 

_ Dark side, I search for your dark side _

_ But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here? _

_ And I cut off my nose just to spite my face _

_ Then I hate my reflection for years and years _

Is she fucking Shakespeare reincarnate? His head can’t understand how this can just leave her brain and jump onto a guitar so effortlessly. 

_ Can you see right through me? _

_ They see right through _

_ They see right through me _

_ I see right through me _

_ I see right through me  _

_ All the king's horses, all the king's men _

_ Couldn't put me together again _

_ 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends _

_ Help me hold onto you _

She stares at him, like the last line is a bullet to the brain. Then she turns back around with her guitar, continuing to strum.

That’s the moment that Ben vows never to let this girl go, in any capacity.

Why?

Because that’s the right fucking thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that is chapter 12! chapter 13 will be finished soon. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”lowkey” by NIKI](https://youtu.be/UELkJqUBGtU)
> 
> songs mentioned:  
> [“the archer” by taylor swift](https://youtu.be/8KpKc3C9V3w)  
> [cherry dress](https://www.dollskill.com/new-girl-order-lolita-cherry-mini-dress.html?&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping-c&utm_term=&utm_content=379500329164&gclid=Cj0KCQjwupD4BRD4ARIsABJMmZ_wAYUtFYYWdnJ7BQfGFdb3YyPtQ0UIaCTjo_SL4Cn5vAxcYhCZNtQaAhlcEALw_wcB)  
> [bra and panty set](https://www.dollskill.com/sugar-thrillz-sheer-pink-mesh-harness-bralette.html)  
> [pink platform heels](https://www.dollskill.com/shiny-holographic-spike-platform-heels-pastel-pink.html)  
> [neon dress](https://www.dollskill.com/coated-tube-midi-dress-neon-lime-green.html)  
> [the Jordans](https://stockx.com/air-jordan-1-retro-high-black-white-w?country=US&currencyCode=USD&size=9.5W&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=OD-Segment-Sneakers-AdultSizes-\(US\)&utm_campaignid=1032998786&content=244607812448&keyword=&gclid=Cj0KCQjwupD4BRD4ARIsABJMmZ-xdOtguncfvtrmlkIBhE4Ve37uLbRCTIIdxz1X-Yr9Aslv8EUPioQaAhFNEALw_wcB)


	13. with one look (you take me back to everything i used to be)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can’t get mad at working-“
> 
> “I’m not mad at you for that!” He doesn’t mean to yell and she physically staggers back, clutching her chest. He can practically hear her hummingbird heartbeat from here and he wants to send his fist through the wall and yell at the top of his lungs.
> 
> He doesn’t, keeping his distance from her as he coldly continues, “it’s the fact that I was stupid enough to make this into a romantic trip in my head, when clearly it wasn’t. **It never was.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> Therapeutic xanax usage  
> They argue (A lot)  
> Ben implies that Rey is going to kill herself With pills like Marilyn Monroe (I don't want comments about it, thanks)  
> They tell each other they love each other though  
> Food eating  
> Cursing   
> Crying   
> Alcohol consumption to the point of drunk/sick (while sad to boot)  
> the works

She gets stuck.

Her writing brain shuts the fuck off, revolts, whatever the fuck the intellectuals call it.

At first, she just takes a few deep breaths, taking the opportunity to take one of her two inspiration showers she’s been allotted. When that doesn’t work, when she spends most of the shower sitting on the floor and just rocking, that’s when she freaks.

Ben is pissing when she gets out, and she wipes the fog from the mirror with trembling hands. Ben whistles as he goes, so casual and totally fine with seemingly everything. She rifles through her makeup bag quickly, hands gripping the orange prescription bottle that contains Xanax.

Maybe if she just takes it without him knowing, he won’t notice her unusual chill attitude or the need to sleep-

The toilet flushes, cap off the prescription bottle. It goes flying at the loud noise, PTSD bells blaring for some reason and pills spilling on the floor. She shouts, “Fuck!”

Ben wanders out of the bathroom as she dives to pick them all up off the marble tile. He gets on the floor immediately with her, Rey clutching her towel as she shoves them back into the bottle and finally one in her mouth.

“Is this your Cymbalta-“

She swallows the Xanax dry instead of answering and he snatches the bottle from her with pills sticking to his other palm. His eyes flit from the label to her stare. Then his mouth sets in a straight line, like a man trying very hard not to give anything away. 

“Hm.” Then he opens the bottle, deposits the pills that stuck to his palm back into the bottle, and shuts it. 

Rey tries to justify it, defend herself. “I’m going to have an anxiety attack.”

“So instead of uh, oh I don’t know, coming to me and maybe telling me, you shove pills in your fucking face.” He sounds angry, under the surface and brewing. Her stomach begins to toss and turn, hands trembling. Being naked with soaking wet hair in a bathroom in Japan with whatever Ben is to her is not exactly the ideal situation to avoid getting hurt. 

“You know how much that shit warps your head right? After continued abuse-“

She snaps, “Taking a prescription isn’t abusing medication.”

His jaw sets, fists clenching as he storms away into the bedroom. Rey follows him, realizing it’s probably not the best idea. She’s got ten good minutes until this shit kicks in and she knows that if she needs to run, she’s got to do it now.

Ben is ripping open his laptop and tossing his phone on the bed. “Go the fuck ahead, be the next Marilyn Mothma.”

She gasps at that, at the arrow to the heart that pierces so deep. She swallows hard, hands trembling and palms sweating as she imagines storming over and slapping him, hurting him, kicking his teeth in, doing anything to make him regret saying that.

Instead she takes a deep breath, faces her suitcase, and gets started on finding clothes to get dressed in. “What I’m trying to say is that your “team” or whatever the fuck you want to call them are just going to keep feeding you pills so you fill their pockets.”

She whips around and yells, “You know nothing about me!”

“Yeah?”

“You think that because you’re making some invasive documentary that you know me? You think that because you fuck me, you fucking know me?” She pulls the dress over her head, turning back around.

His silence reeks. She could give less of a fuck, pulling on her leather jacket and grabbing her wallet and phone. She walks out of the room and hears him follow, “Invasive?”

“You heard me. I bet you’d want to film yourself fucking me for it, that’s how deep inside my psyche you want to fucking be.” 

Ben is scarily quiet, “Let’s get one thing straight. You can call this off at any time, you just owe me production costs. Don’t act like I’m fucking trapping you.” 

She raises a brow and that’s when her limbs go heavy, more than usual. Did she take her pill on an empty stomach? Her head feels strangely bogged down. 

“Think what you’re going to say through fully.” 

She snarls and throws her phone and wallet on the glass coffee table to storm to the kitchen. Ben follows her and she finds herself saying, “Leave me alone.” 

“I’m not finished talking to you.” 

“I’m finished.”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

He leaves the apartment to give her space, because he doesn’t want her wandering the streets on a Xanax.

Also because he knows shit will go very bad if he stays. Whether it's comparing her to another Hollywood star who OD’ed or maybe pushing her too far, he knows he needs to back down for his own sanity too.

He walks Tokyo like a ghoul, feeling too fucking large for this place. Not to mention the discomfort in displeasing the girl he needs to appease like a jester with his queen. Ben knows he should call his father, ask what the fuck to do. Better yet, ask him if this is why he and mom exploded into a billion little pieces. 

Is he destined to be a bad guy? Is it in the fates that he’s going to be the man behind a breakup album?

He puts in the code for the penthouse and really contemplates the fact that he didn’t come back with food as a peace offering. He got street food by himself so he’s full. He doesn’t know about her, but he assumes she’s got to be okay. Rey knows how to feed herself.

Entering the penthouse, it’s dark except for a light on in the kitchen. That's when he notices the whiskey bottle. It’s a small one to be fair, one that you could make only a few drinks out of, but it’s completely empty.

His brain refuses to bypass it for some reason, and he’s removing his denim jacket and rushing up the stairs. He calls, “Rey? Baby-“

He runs straight into her, knocking her to the floor and the glass in her hand goes flying and shatters on the floor, luckily empty Rey stares up at him and Ben drops to the floor, grabbing her hands as she looks bewildered.

She slurs, “Did you just…push me?” 

She’s very drunk, it’s clear by how her eyes wheel to his and look absolutely  _ terrified _ . Ben immediately shakes his head, “Ran into you, I swear. Come here, let’s get you up.” He hops up and yanks on her hands to stand her up.

Rey doesn’t move though, staying on the floor and staring up at him with tears welling up in her eyes. Ben lets go of her hands and she covers her face, starting to sob into her palms without much warning.

He can’t leave women crying because of him. It’s a complex.

He whispers, “I would never shove you. Never ever.”

She cries, “I don’t feel good.”

He kneels down again and opens up his arms, despite knowing that she effectively wins the fight if he does. He’ll raise his white flag first, because she won’t. He asks, “How much did you drink?” 

She hiccups and wipes her nose, “A lot. I puked earlier.” 

He nods, knowing there might still be a mess he has to clean up with the shattered glass. The first order of business is getting her settled in one spot. “Okay. Can I pick you up?”

She nods and he grabs her and lifts her up gently. He says, “I’ll take good care of you honey.” 

Her drunk mouth hits like a barb, “That’s what they all say.” 

“Yeah? Well I promise it.” He’s not here to convince her he’s a good guy, because he hasn’t been one to her today. Maybe her medication is none of his business, but he hears all about how fucked your brain can get on chemicals used in Xanax.

He also doesn’t want to watch her subdue herself. Luke would be the type to make someone docile to make things easier, or that’s always what he tried to do with Ben. Ben was never something anyone in his family wanted; volatile, crass, occasionally crazy.

Rey probably thinks the same thing, which understandably she would after he nearly blew his top over spilled pills and how she ingested one.

Ben doesn’t want to be that guy. He carries her to their bedroom, holding her close to him as he feels her chest pound. At least she’s still breathing, knowing that Xanax and alcohol can have disastrous complications. She shivers occasionally, and he sets her down in bed, pushing her to lean against the headboard. 

Then he tucks her into the blankets and strokes through her hair. She stares up at him, then sniffling and looking at her hands with a hung head.

He tells her, “I need to go clean up.”

Rey nods, then asking, “Did you mean everything?”

This is too nuanced of a conversation to have while drunk, so Ben tries to keep it very simple and not very incriminating. “I worry a lot about you. That was me expressing my worry in an unhealthy way, and it won’t happen again.” There has to be a different tact to this.

She says, “It’s not like I want to be on pills-“

He nods, “I know, I know. I should’ve realized that fact.” He knows that Rey probably doesn’t, like a lot of people, like the side effects or general shit a medication can bring.

“You made my feelings worse. You made me feel like a freak.” She starts crying again and he sits on the bed, reaching to hold her hand. Rey sent herself into her own spiral on this one, he’s convinced that he was within his rights to be concerned.

Maybe just silently will work better next time.

They stay like that, Ben holding her hand and unable to do much to quell the sobbing girl beside him.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Is love as simplistic as following a beautiful girl to an airport in Tokyo to pick up her friend, despite her saying that her vacation was exclusive to only him? 

Kaydel is now in the mix, Rey seemingly needing the support of her favorite producer in her songwriting process. He also assumes that she doesn’t desire to be with him as much after the Xanax incident.

That means he’s alone a lot more, and Ben really doesn’t do well with loneliness. Is it considered being alone when you’re in the same room as the person who makes you feel whole, but you can’t talk to them? It’s a great question for another day.

It’s two nights before they leave Tokyo and Ben sincerely thought they’d be spending it together, but Rey is at some studio recording what’s supposed to be her next hit. He declined to go because he’s just in an awful mood.

He’s pissy and pouty, two undesirable things. When he finishes with editing for the day, he wanders around the penthouse like a zombie. He doesn’t know how long he paces the entire house, creating a lap that he just keeps following.

He stops when he hears the front door open, and tinny female laughter echoing through the house. Ben is conveniently near the bedroom so he goes and hides inside the room, slamming the door loud.

Then he crosses his arms over his chest and waits, wondering if she‘ll even come see him. He sighs, walking to the bed and flopping down onto it. He lies on his back, staring at the ceiling.

It feels like 4 hours, in reality it’s like two minutes before there’s a knock on the door. He doesn’t reply and Rey enters anyway.

She’s wearing a pretty dress, with DaVinci’s angels and demons over a mesh pattern. The collar sits high on her throat and it hits her mid thigh. He’d give anything to be less mad right now, to saunter over and reach up her skirt. He sighs instead, staring back at the ceiling.

Rey doesn’t seem to notice the glum, or she does and doesn’t give a shit. “So I finished all four singles.”

He doesn’t reply, to get the message across that he’s not interested in talking right now. Is it wrong of him to cold shoulder her for something that’s probably his fault and not his arena to be in? Yes, but he’s never claimed to be a particularly emotionally healthy person.

Rey seems to notice he’s non-verbal rather quickly, faster than he’d typically give her credit for. “What did I do?”

Ben sits up at that and swallows, rubbing his forehead and looking for the right words to express his anger and feelings of abandonment. He’s working to find the verbiage for it but it’s not coming as fast as he would want it. Her lower lip begins to tremble and she whispers, “Ben?”

He mumbles, weak, “You’re supposed to be spending time with  **me** . Why aren’t you spending time with me?”

She sighs, rubbing at her eyes and replying, “Ben-“

“No, I get that I fucked up but this is supposed to be our trip, Rey. We were supposed to…” He doesn’t have a clue what he was guaranteed from the beginning, now that he thinks it through. Rey seems to sense this, stepping up to him.

“I have to finish my album, Ben. That’s the number one priority, and I got so ahead in the process that I needed Kaydel to help me.” He doesn’t want excuses, so he gets up and walks past her to his suitcase to change into something he can sleep in. Should he ban himself to the couch? Or maybe one of the other guest rooms that have gone empty since it’s been the two of them. 

“You can’t get mad at working-“

“I’m not mad at you for that!” He doesn’t mean to yell and she physically staggers back, clutching her chest. He can practically hear her hummingbird heartbeat from here and he wants to send his fist through the wall and yell at the top of his lungs.

He doesn’t, keeping his distance from her as he coldly continues, “it’s the fact that I was stupid enough to make this into a romantic trip in my head, when clearly it wasn’t. It never was.”

“Ben you can’t say that.”

“Yes I can, because you don’t even-“ He can’t help but burst into inappropriate and callous laughter that makes her brows furrow.

He says through forced chuckles, “You don’t even fucking like me. God you can barely fucking tolerate me.” 

“Ben, I love-“

He storms over to her, nearly getting in her face but holding back at the last millisecond. “Don’t you dare tell me you love me. Don’t you fucking dare. You know I love you too, you know that’s not fucking fair-“

That’s when she bursts into tears, big fat ones rolling down her cheeks like a wailing baby. She holds herself and whimpers, “But I do. I don’t know why I do right now because you’re being such a dick, but I do.”

Ben wipes his own eyes and swallows the orange sized lump in his throat. He asks, “How do I know you’re not just saying that?”

She whispers, “You have to trust me, Ben. Please trust me.” 

He’s unable to control his limbs, grabbing her and pulling her to his chest while she begins to sob again. Tears slip down his own face, hand coasting up and down her back.

He quietly promises, “I’ll try to trust you. I’ll try.” 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey makes an effort to spend the last day with him, but that does include lugging him to the studio to piece together more of the album. He seemed okay with it, filming it silently and listening to her with bops of his head. 

Things get slightly hairy when it comes down to return flights. They hadn’t bought theirs, not knowing where exactly to go. Rey wants to go home to New York, see her cats. Ben deserves to go home to LA, to have a couple days break from her. 

Neither of them want the other to leave though. If Rey had her way, Ben would come to New York and stay in her bed all day like some kind of pet. 

Luke makes her decision for her though. “You’re coming to LA.”

Ben is packing, the laptop open between them on the bed. Kaydel is already asleep, Rey heard snoring from her room. He looks back at the phone, then at Rey.

She protests, “But why?” 

“You have a photoshoot to make decisions on. Vacation and rest time is over, Rey.” She pouts and sighs. 

“Can I go to New York for a day to get my cats?” If she’s doing extended time in LA, she’s not forcing Rose to travel with both of them alone. No fucking way will Rey ever be that rude to her assistant. 

“Do what you need to do, but I need you in Los Angeles in forty eight hours. Also return Ben please, his mother has been harassing me on his whereabouts.” She looks over at Ben, and he looks sheepish.

She mouths, “Did you not tell your mom?” 

He shrugs and replies, “Might’ve slipped my mind.” Then he snorts and goes back to packing, and she shakes her head to herself.

“Fine, I’ll text you when I touch down in New York. Should be like twenty five hours from now.” They still have to sleep, maybe less than planned depending on if they can find a crucial flight in the morning.

“Sounds good. Rey?”

She asks, “Yeah.”

Luke replies, “Thank you, as always, for being accommodating and willing to work.” Compliments are very rare from Luke. He’s not usually there to compliment her or her talent, he’s there to make her into a superstar. 

“No problem, Luke. See you soon.” Then she hangs up first and Ben lies back on the bed. She cracks her knuckles as she puts her phone onto charge, and then goes back to the laptop.

She starts, “So.” 

Ben sits up against the headboard and she types in Kayak. It brings her up to the travel site, and she then goes on, “I assume you’re probably just going to go straight to LA then?” 

He shrugs, “I don’t particularly want to head to New York for like three hours.” 

“It’d be like five but that’s okay.” She’s not looking forward to it but she has shit to take care of.

He snorts, “I mean you know my darkest secret about you now.” 

She quirks a brow and he replies, “That I kinda love you.”

She asks, “Kinda?” 

“Let me have this.”

She smiles.

“Fine. I kinda love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first of....a few chapters im posting on this today. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [“Cherry” by Riya Sawayama](https://open.spotify.com/track/36RGU7buus2UUtrPZ78hkR?si=jpcnbueJSCmBG8WbWiYWRQ)
> 
> [the davinci dress](https://www.dollskill.com/current-mood-painting-print-mesh-long-sleeve-skater-dress.html)   
>  [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)


	14. i’m perfectly fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re mean.”
> 
> “To you. That means I like you a lot you know.” She pecks his lips and he smiles into the kiss before she pulls away. 
> 
> Ben grabs the bottle and drinks, making a face. “Not my favorite wine, by the way.”
> 
> “We can’t please every pompous director who gossips about other directors. But if you must know, it’s **Revan Rose**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> Alcohol consumption  
> They decide to do couple’s therapy  
> Ben gets VERY sick (sinus infection, uti, chest infection) and rey takes care of him  
> Lingerie

He can’t believe he would doubt how much he would miss her over forty-eight hours. 

He’s miserable at his mother’s house, eating chocolate swirl babka with chocolate milk and hating his entire fucking existence without Rey.

His mother seems to have gotten the message he doesn’t want to talk about her so she hasn’t asked. But something is eating at him, and he needs advice. He prefers his mother over Han for advice and he speaks, “Mom?”

Leia looks up from her tea, and asks, “What’s up, Ben?”

He sighs and says, “Rey and I are-“

“Together? I could assume something would probably happen based on the way you two were making googly eyes at each other.”

He sighs hard and then continues, “We got in a couple of bad fights in Tokyo and if I’m going to pursue anything further-“

Leia interrupts, “Couples therapy.”

He’s immediately skeptical and she continues, “I’m serious. While it didn’t save your father and I, it helped out significantly in the divorce in regards to you. You two have a shared project you’re working on, almost like a baby. Couples therapy can iron out the kinks in that.” 

He quietly starts, “We’re still very early, mom.”

“Bullshit, anyone can use therapy at any time and if you want to make it last with this girl, you’d try this out. You have a lot of horrible habits from watching your father and I fight so much, and I think Rey probably has some damage too. God knows the men you get with as a musician, all of them fucking broken and immature-“

He’s heard this rant before so he clears his throat, “I’m worried she will think I’m crazy.”

“She probably will. Then she’ll realize it’s the best thing for both of you.

Ben sighs heavily, sitting forward and seeing a missed call on his phone from Rey. She must’ve landed, or something must’ve happened. Leia seems to get the hint, “You can call her back, I’ll wait in here.” 

Ben nods and stands, getting up and walking out onto the beach and shutting the door behind him. He dials her number and holds the phone to his ear, staring at the waves lapping against the sand.

She answers with, “Ben?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Land okay?”

“Yeah, really fucking exhausted. Was wondering if you would come over tonight and uh-“

He can picture a lot of events happening: fucking her against the wall, fighting more, maybe even taking a fucking bubble bath. 

“Hang out.”

He raises an eyebrow, “Just hang out?” 

She confesses, “Maybe more than that. Maybe we fool around.”

He nods to himself and then says, “You want to hear my wonderful idea?”

She’s silent and he takes that as an invitation to continue, “I think a bubble bath, some wine, maybe a movie? Normal date night shit if you get what I mean.” 

Rey answers, “Seems to be a magnificent idea.”

“So why don’t we do it? I’ll meet you at yours as soon as I can, I need to leave my mom’s house.”

She agrees, “Okay, tell Leia I said hi.”

“I will, try to get some rest before I get there. I’m mostly adjusted to the time zone but I doubt you are.” 

She laughs nervously and says, “You’d be correct about that, that’s for sure.” 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey does manage to sleep before he comes over.

It’s a nice nap, curled up with her cats with the fan on in the background. Rose went out for the night, seeing a few friends on her hours off and leaving Rey and the house alone. 

She wakes up to her ringtone, rolling over and answering her phone blindly and asking, “What?”

“Sweetheart, it’s Ben. Let me into the gate.” 

She sits up like a shot and unlocks her phone, going to her home system app and opening up the gate. Then she goes on the app that contains the cameras to make sure it’s really Ben. Her paranoia is off the charts usually, but luckily there’s nothing to be afraid of as the black Tesla pulls into the driveway and the headlights cut. She shuts the gate, getting out of bed. The cats dart off the bed and run out of the room, one after the other.

She rushes downstairs to the front door, seeing him walk up to it with a backpack on his back. She yanks open the door and hops from foot to foot in pure glee and also anticipation. Ben steps right up to her, leaning down and pecking her lips.

“So I brought bath stuff we can use for the bath.”

She makes a confused face and he divulges, “I made a comment in an interview about how I don’t take enough relaxing baths, and all these bath companies sent shit to me. Fame is wild, I don’t know.” 

He unzips his bag and pulls out a bright blue circular object. “The card said this was a “bath bomb”. What the fuck does that mean?” 

She giggles, “You drop it in the water and it fizzes a ton. Also makes the water a pretty color on occasion.” He walks into her house past her, still examining the bath bomb. 

“Do you get these too? Little bath bombs and salts and shit?”

She shakes her head, “No, I usually vet all the products given to me.” PR is a big business and she could care less about some of the shit she’s given in the name of promotion. She grabs the already open bottle of wine she set out for this night. 

She asks, “Do we need glasses?”

He shrugs, “No use getting a glass dirty when you can sip from the bottle.” She can’t help but shrug and nod, before she follows behind him and he walks up the stairs to the master bedroom.

They enter and he passes through to the en-suite bathroom, turning on the tap to the freestanding tub. He feels the water and adjusts it accordingly before setting his backpack against the tub and unzipping it further.

She waits to strip, watching him prepare the bath with efficiency and like he knows what he’s doing. He really doesn’t but she likes the illusion. Rey says, “I’m shooting for my album in like four days.”

“Four days?”

She nods, “Only promotional pictures and the album art, we’ll get single art on the set of the videos.” 

Ben nods to himself before dumping in pink colored salts that smell like roses from here. She likes roses, a lot, and she remarks, “You know-“

He looks back and she continues with a blush, “I’ve never gotten roses from you.”

He puts his hands on his hips as the tub fills and she walks past him to grab her bubble bath, dumping some in for good measure. Ben then says, “What color?”

She tuts, “Not fun if I pick. You have to guess.” 

He glares at her for a moment before nodding, “All right. I’m not telling you when, obviously.” 

“That’s fine, I don’t want to know when.” Fett used to always spill the beans to her when he would get her gifts, mostly when he was drunk. He always got her gifts after abusing her as well, getting the offer of a new fucking car after he broke her nose. Fett patched things with liquor and money, stuffing cocaine into the hole to seal it up for good measure. 

The bath fills and she starts to strip as she walks away from the tub, taking off the large t-shirt she managed to lift from his suitcase before he left. Ben watches her as he takes off his own clothes, and she makes it a point to look straight at his defined chest and stomach, eyes then darting to his before licking her lips and strutting past him to get into the warm water of the tub. 

“Let me get behind you.” He swigs from the deep red wine, and she scoots forward so he can uncomfortably wedge behind her. It takes some maneuvering but eventually they find a comfortable position, Rey practically lying on top of him. 

She swigs from the bottle and relishes the warm water and his warm skin and smooth chest. His fingers dance across her ribs, grabbing the bottle from her and taking another long drink. She can count on Ben to help her polish off a bottle. He sets it on the floor next to the tub.

Then he says, “So who’s directing your video?”

She asks, “Need to vet them?” 

He snorts, “Am I that transparent?”

“Like glass.”

He gives her a stern look and she amends, “Sometimes.” 

He rolls his eyes and then says, “You’d be shocked how much I know about directors. I get all the tea, as the kids say.” 

She snorts at that and he stares at her again with a mad look. “Stop laughing at me. I’m trying to be hip with the lingo or whatever.” 

“Hip with the lingo.” 

“You’re mean.”

“To you. That means I like you a lot you know.” She pecks his lips and he smiles into the kiss before she pulls away. 

Ben grabs the bottle and drinks, making a face. “Not my favorite wine, by the way.”

“We can’t please every pompous director who gossips about other directors. But if you must know, it’s Revan Rose.”

His eyes pop wide, “Which song?”

She replies with a smile, “Delicate.”

He raises an eyebrow and she knows he’s never heard it before. She’s going to keep it that way for the time being, and she asks, “Any tea though?”

“None besides he can be harsh to his actresses. I’m sure you can put him in his place if you need to though.” 

That worries Rey a little but she trusts Luke’s picks for her videos, she trusts him with her life. Luke wouldn’t knowingly hurt her, would he? She takes another long glug and sets the bottle on the floor. 

“Your album is coming out so soon.” 

She nods and replies, “Very soon.” They pushed it back one more month to accommodate for all the shooting they have to do, but it pushes the release even closer to her tour announcement to only fifteen days after her release.

She likes spacing these things out, giving fans an opportunity to save money for tickets after buying the album or any merch that’s coming out with it. She knew what it was like to grow up poor and only be able to get an album on occasion, and she doesn’t want to alienate her fans. 

“I need to talk to you about something.” She perks up and he looks so nervous that her curiosity immediately spikes anxiety. 

“Is it bad?”

He shakes his head, “No it’s good for us. I think it’ll be good um...Rey, I was thinking that maybe we should try some couple’s counseling.” 

It’s like her brain flatlines. What the fuck is couple’s counseling supposed to do for them? Do they have issues? Bad enough issues to warrant counseling this early?

She replies, numbly, “I don’t understand.”

He swallows and then explains, “I think that I have some things I need to work on to solidify this relationship, which means you too. Like for instance, I should not be screaming at you.” 

She whispers, “That was only once-“

“And it could be more if I don’t get myself in check.” 

That punches her in the gut, and she breathes a wheezy breath in response. But if Ben is acknowledging he has faults, something all her exes refused to do, why is she freaking out? Why does being told that your (new, mind you) relationship might need work feel so horrible? 

They’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, they’re supposed to be happy.

“Plus, we have a shared project between us. I’d like to get our expectations for that project fully on the table for both of us to understand. I’ll pay for it, I’ll choose an office with a back entrance, anything you need that will make you come with.” 

She bites her lip and tries not to look so worried, failing miserably based on his concerned face. “Sweetheart, I think-“

“I go to a lot of therapy, Ben. I don’t see what more can do for me.” 

He shakes his head, “It’s therapy for both of us as a collected unit. The psychology of a collected unit is different from an individual.” 

She shuts her eyes and tries to think through everything, what he’s saying. “If it’s not working?”

“We don’t go anymore, or we try someone new with a different approach. Rey I...I want to make this last. I really don’t want to fizzle out with you.” 

She nods to herself before saying, “Okay. But I need ultimate privacy.”

Ben kisses the top of her head and replies, “You get what you want. Always.” 

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He’s glad she’s let him show up later than everyone else.

Especially since he’s hacking up a lung, has a sudden stress induced sinus infection, and to top it off he’s just getting over a UTI that caused him to piss every six minutes for a day and a half. 

He hasn’t seen Rey for the last four days, making excuses and trying not to worry her with increasing congestion or when he loses his voice on day three. Luckily he gets it back the morning of the shoot, and he takes some DayQuil and gets his shit together.

Sure, he’s absolutely miserable, but he can get sniffles cut out with music or just pure silence depending on the emotion of the moment. He parks his Tesla at the flower fields that Rey’s team organized for the shoot, preferring a more natural and stripped down look for her on this album. Her last one was much more colorful candy pop.

After getting his camera gear in order, he starts the trek to the meeting place described by Rey over text. She used flowery language, much like his surroundings, so it takes him a minute but he eventually finds the camera crew taking pictures of her in a secluded meadow.

He walks up to the crew, Rey absorbed in looking pretty and youthful in a bed of daisies and other miscellaneous wildflowers. He starts filming as he walks closer, catching eyes with Luke off to the side.

He’s observing her with a coffee in hand, sunglasses on the bridge of his nose. The tension between him and Ben is a knife sharp enough to slice through bone. Ben can’t deal with it right now so he refocuses on the camera and watches Rey notice him, live.

She sits up from where she lies, beams, and then hops to her feet. “Take five please.” The photographer looks pissed, some shorter guy with blue hair. Rey doesn’t care, bounding right up to Ben.

This is it. He can’t exactly avoid how hoarse his throat is, or how congested he is. Will she care? He hopes not.

“Hey you.” 

He croaks out, “Hey.” 

Her eyebrows furrow and she continues on, “How are you doing?”

“Fine, fine.” His voice has a painful crackly quality, almost like if someone rubbed their hands on a popcorn ceiling for too long.

Rey asks, “Are you sure?” 

He nods and she then says, “You don’t sound fine. Are you sick?”

Ben opens his mouth to answer but then shuts it and just nods. The jig is up, that much is obvious. “I knew something was up. Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugs, “I just...didn’t want to worry you. And I knew I would be able to make this filming opportunity and I did.”

“But you’re still very sick, Ben.” 

He sighs and shrugs again, unable to really do anything else. Rey gets on her phone, and he asks, “What are you doing?” 

“Ordering you food. Soup or smoothie? What would feel better?”

“Rey, we’re at a photoshoot-”

“Soup or smoothie?” 

He answers, “Smoothie. How the fuck are you going to get it delivered here?” 

She replies, “I have my ways.” 

He doesn’t doubt it, and looks past her to look at Luke. He’s not amused by them hanging out and he could give less of a shit. “Let me get you a chair too.”

“I’m fine, honey-”

Rey calls, “Can I get a chair set up for him please?” A PA scrambles into action and he feels so bad for basically hijacking Rey and this set. 

Rey then reaches out to set her hand on his shoulder, the most platonic-non-platonic touch she seems to be able to manage. “Anything else? Back rub? PA could probably do that.” 

He whispers, “Rey, honey, I’m not made of glass. I’ll be fine.” 

She responds with crossed arms, “You sound horrible and I’m going to fix it.” 

Then she stomps away from him, getting back on her phone. He realizes that he has no say in it.

Why does he like that?

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rey might be exhausted, she might be all “prettied out” according to Luke, but she’s a damn good nurse.

First, she forces Ben to let her drive his Tesla back to his place. That took some convincing and the repeated thrusting of her insurance card in his face, but he eventually agreed.

The drive is long and traffic filled, and Ben seems to get even more sick on it. She knows it's because the sun is down but it still discourages her to hear him hack up mucus and phlegm into a Starbucks napkin. 

Rey’s lucky that Rose packed her an overnight bag, having a sixth sense about her going home with Ben probably. She’s got to hand it to the girl, she’s observant and can predict Rey better than she can predict herself. 

She’s never seen Ben’s house in all the time they’ve known each other (it’s been a short time though). It’s a modern monstrosity in a gated neighborhood, black and grey tones on the outside. Ben clicks the garage button and it opens slowly, and she looks over at him. He sniffles, as if on cue.

“I’m sorry you’re so miserable, honey.”

He sighs, “It’s fine. Been awhile since I’ve been really sick, my time was coming.” 

She nods, and they get out of the car after she pulls it into the garage and turns it off. Ben shuffles to the trunk and Rey beats him there, lifting the trunk and shrugging his backpack onto her back carefully. Ben watches her before he grabs her bag, and Rey snatches it back from him. Then she starts for the interior garage door, Ben following close behind.

His house exudes modern Scandinavian simplicity, a bachelor sort of paradise with little furniture that looks comfortable. Maybe he just doesn't entertain. Rey asks, “Where’s your bedroom?”

He gestures to the open stairway, and she takes two at a time. He says, “Door should be open.” 

He’s correct, and the bedroom is full of black wood furniture. His bed is massive, so many pillows resting up against the black upholstered headboard. She’s gentle in setting down the backpack, then pushing fingers through her own hair while opening up her own backpack.

She rifles through the folded clothes for tomorrow, the toiletries, and her hands land on something...lacy. She pulls a black garter belt out of her bag, then a thong, and a lacy bra. Ben is staring at her and she quietly defends herself, “I didn’t pack this, I swear. Rose did.” 

Is Rose trying to get her laid? Obviously, but how dare she be so obvious? She gives a sheepish smile, realizing there isn’t any pajama type attire that she can wear to take care of him. Ben stares at the lingerie before saying, “I mean…”

He rubs his chin, deep in thought. “Could wear that. Excuse me while I blow my sixth snot rocket today.” Then he walks past her to the bathroom, leaving her with a choice.

She could figure something out, or she could wear the damn lingerie like a queen. Is she worthy of his attention?

Would he pay attention to her without it?

Rey strips off, and starts putting on the lingerie she’s never even seen in her closet before. Was she sent this? It’s very nice on her frame and she smooths out the hips as Ben comes back in the room and stops in his tracks. 

She asks, “You like it?”

“If I wasn’t sure it was a sinus infection, I would think I’m having an aneurysm.” He looks her up and down appraisingly, like a hick with a lifted truck.

Rey knows she needs to get down to business. “I want you to go take a shower, loosen up all the stuff in your lungs. I’ll set out some pajamas for you and also order food.” 

“We should fuck-”

She scolds him, “Absolutely not. You’re very sick, you can barely breathe.” She knows she’s risking a lot by being here; Rey has asthma so any upper respiratory infection could put her out for a significant amount of time.

Ben is worth it though, and he does what she bids by walking out of the room and into the bathroom. He calls, “Pajamas are in the closet!”

She rifles through the hanging pajama pants and ratty tees, seeing a lot of exotic locations on the shirts. She wonders if Ben would do a non-work related vacation with her. She kind of fucked up Tokyo by bringing in Kaydel, so she wants a redo.

There’s going to be no opportunity for vacation the next year, booked and busy. She sighs glumly as she hears the shower door close, and walks out of the bathroom with the sweats and white tee. Folding them, she sets them on the single vanity, then getting out her phone and pulling up Postmates. 

She picks out Tender Greens, rationalizing that it’s easy and it can be delivered in usually one piece. She orders a sandwich and soup for him first, rationalizing soup in case he can’t get the sandwich down. Then she orders a massive salad, also thinking they could share it if he doesn’t want any of that.

She then walks out of the bathroom, leaving a delivery note to just buzz the gate and leave it outside. Paying for the food, she closes the tracker. There’s a missing text from Rose.

* * *

|Rose - 7:05PM|

how’s the lingerie treating you? 🤪

* * *

So it was deliberate. Curse her for it, but Rey can’t mind because her confidence levels in being a nurse to Ben have gone up twenty-fold since she’s put it on.

She doesn’t reply to Rose, vowing to have a stern (or not so stern depending on the orgasm she could potentially have tonight) talk tomorrow. Rey lies back on the bed and stares at the ceiling as she listens to him cough and sneeze in the shower. Her chest hurts imagining it, having too many asthma attacks. 

She sits up and walks into the bathroom, standing near the fogged over shower. “Ben?”

He coughs again, “Yeah?”

“Take some NyQuil if you can. It might help decongest further.” He sighs.

Then he replies, “Will do. Can you do me a favor and get me my water from downstairs? Should be in the fridge.” 

“Of course.” Then she takes her leave, taking the stairs three at a time this time and sliding into the ultra clean lines kitchen. The countertops are shiny black quartz that the pendant lights bounce off of, and his fridge is gleaming stainless steel.

Sure enough, a black steel water bottle sits in the fridge, and she finds it to be full of almost melted ice and water. She takes it back upstairs with her, hearing the shower turn off as she enters the bedroom and sets it down on what presumes is his side with the alarm clock and clipped on reading light. 

Ben coughs from the other room, a wet sounding cough. Then there’s a spitting sound, and she shudders at how gross it all is. She heads his way anyway, seeing him get out the purple NyQuil from the cabinet. He pours out a dosage in the cap, coughs one more time, before taking the shot like a champ.

He groans after he swallows and it’s the sexiest sound she’s ever heard with his hoarseness. Not to mention he’s fresh out of the shower, waist wrapped in a towel and physique looking unreal. 

She’d eat him up if she could.

Instead she smooths out her hips again, over the garter belt and then over her ass. Ben looks over at her, sticking his toothbrush in his mouth where black foam grows from the charcoal paste.

He says, while he brushes, “You can’t look that good. That’s not fair.” 

She blushes deep red, growing across her chest like ivy on an English estate. Then he spits, coughs again, and rinses his mouth out. He swishes around some bright blue mouthwash for good measure. 

He asks when he spits, “Did you take your medicine today?” 

She says, “Nuh uh, you’re not taking care of me. It’s supposed to be the other way around.” 

He rolls his eyes and then walks past her, stripping off the towel to show off his ass and the thick cock hanging between his legs as he walks back into the bedroom and starts getting changed. 

She follows behind, rationalizing she’ll take off her makeup after he’s asleep. He’s seen her without it, but she looks particularly hot right now and doesn’t want to ruin the illusion of the hot, caring girlfriend that's going to rock his world. She needs that on her side, since she’s been mildly shitty in her humble opinion. 

Ben flops onto his back, immediately coughing hard enough to get her to wince and reach to yank him up to sit up against the pillows like a rescue mission. It goes flawlessly, thank god, and he groans again. Then gets under the covers, rubbing his chest and sighing heavily.

“God you’re miserable.”

He nods, and she whispers, “Wish I could kiss you but I’m already becoming Typhoid Mary just existing in here.”

He looks at her and then she adds, “Anything for you, though.” 

He says, “Don’t inoculate yourself, sweetheart. You have asthma.”

She shrugs and gets on the other side of the bed, on top of the covers and with her legs crossed. She then asks, “How do you know if someone buzzes the gate?” 

“I get a call.”

She nods and rakes her teeth over her glossy lower lip. “Good. You’re parked here for tonight. No editing. Fluids, food, rest. You’ll probably pass out soon as well.” 

He nods, “Already feeling it.” 

She smiles at that, “Any relief?” 

He shakes his head and she pouts.

She promises, “Soon probably.” 

“I hope you mean that.” 

“I mean everything I say.” 

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Ben doesn’t know when he passes out. 

He thinks it’s after he eats and consumes everything put in front of him with a sleepy aura and lidded eyes. His appetite has been awful these past few days, waxing and waning, so having a substantial meal feels really nice for his health.

So does sleep, but he’s not sure when he pops awake, congested as can be and practically sitting up in bed against his pillows.

He’s sure it’s so his lungs can drain, and he’s glad Rey is fucking competent. 

He...hears something though. A slipping sound, a wet one and breathy little pants.

His eyes adjust to the dark, and he glances over to his side to stare at Rey.

She’s fucking her fingers, three of them, practically riding them. Her face is smashed in the pillow. His brain cracks in two, primal senses wanting to take over and fuck her hard and fast into the pillows.

Instead, he shoves her hand aside and pushes two fingers inside of her sopping wetness between her legs. His eyes lid in pure peace as he pushes his fingers in and out of her.

She grabs his wrist and practically guides his hand back and forth. His thumb lands on her clit and rubs, his eyes then shutting and relishing in touching her with a huge smile on his face.

She moans on occasion as she fucks his fingers, and he can’t help but clear his throat a few times and say, “You like it when I touch you, right?”

“Very much.”

He nods to himself and is satisfied with this answer, only wanting to be loved really. Rey’s proven she can nurture better than most, and sometimes he really fucking needs that from a woman. He’s paying her back for her kindness.

“I’ll never hurt you. I promise you, I’ll make sure you stay so safe with me.”

She nods and whispers, “Please.”

He pushes deeper.

“Please keep me safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no ill never stop posting multiple chapters at a time, thanks for asking. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [“King of My Heart” by taylor swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/7HuBDWi18s4aJM8UFnNheH?si=g1KtxlEbSYOynM8-OPOLEw)
> 
> [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)
> 
> []()


	15. carve your name into my bedpost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I had a dream.”
> 
> She looks back as she tapes her right tit and he continues, “You were under me, I was fucking you all nice and slow and…”
> 
> He looks like he’s contemplating continuing before he shakes his head. “Never mind. **Dumb dream.** ” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> wig installation   
> Spray tans  
> Smut  
> paparazzi

Ben gets better. Rey gets busier.

From putting last touches on singles to starting to record or finishing some recordings of the rest of the album, she’s in a whirlwind that makes for great manic footage. It’s his favorite style, the busyness being caught live. 

They wax and wane on going home with each other, resolving for space on some nights that Rey is emotionally exhausted after what he calls “The Fett Songs”. The songs are painful for her, clearly, wiping away occasional tears as she records and raw emotion erupting from her voice like pus from a wound.

Fett is the wound for her, throbbing and infected and never going to heal unless she expels something. 

The filming for the first video, since Delicate was pushed back two weeks to accommodate for Revan Rose’s sudden broken arm (Ben wants to cackle), is You Need To Calm Down.

They organize it fast from what he could tell, Luke a force to be reckoned with. Rose is also helping organize some aspects, like transporting Rey and also getting her updated measurements.

Rey goes in for a wig installation the day before, Ben tagging along as he sits and records some of the process of putting the gradient green, blue, pink, and purple wig that makes her look like some kind of candy raver girl. 

She reads a magazine or plays on her phone while they do it, Ben noticing the paparazzi growing outside of the salon by the minute and filming it. Luckily the windows are dark, this salon used to celebrity clients and what comes with them.

“I’m surprised Poe isn’t here.” He knows Poe is her hair guy.

Rey rationalizes, “Poe unfortunately doesn’t install wigs.” He nods in understanding, not wanting to question why he wouldn’t do something so lucrative. 

“He’ll be in the city tonight, with Finn. I was supposed to go to dinner with the two of them actually.” 

Ben raises his brows, “Are they together?” He could sense something between them when he briefly met them the first day.

“They’re married. They own their business together.”

He nods with an impressed look on his face from what he could see in the mirror.

“You can come to dinner you know.” 

He bites his lip, “You sure?”

“You’re kinda my boyfriend.” 

He shrugs, “Yeah but you know, it’s your friends and you haven’t seen them in awhile-“

“Ben you don’t have to go if you don’t want to but I’d really like it if you do.” 

Ben takes the very obvious bait and replies, “Okay, I’ll go.” Thank god the bleach blonde and petite wig stylist (Sola from what he could divine from Rey talking to her) is minding her business and not making faces at the fact that Rey just dropped the “boyfriend” word. They’re trying to be as careful and platonic as possible, not wanting someone to report their relationship to the press.

“Where are we going?” 

She shrugs. “They always pick the best places. I need to go home and change though.” She’s in ratty sweatpants and one of his tees that she stole in Tokyo, and the look is most definitely suspicious given the size of the shirt perfectly fits his torso upon sight. They did make the mistake of parking his car out front, so they have to get through the horde. 

Ben has a jacket he can throw on her, a hood to go over her head and hide her hair if she pulls it back. He always has one now, stowed in his trunk. He needs to go get it, and he stands up from where he’s sitting behind the salon station.

“Where are you going?”

“Getting a jacket to hide you.” 

She bites her lip, “Be careful.” 

He nods, setting his camera safely on the chair for Rey to watch (she knows the protocol when it comes to him leaving the camera behind). “Actually, Ben?”

He stops, and she looks to Sola. “Is there parking behind the building he can pull into?” 

Sola nods, “One of the stylists is sick so there should be a space. It’s marked for staff.” 

He nods, “I’ll pull in there.” His phone is in his back pocket and it’s a brief walk to the car. Sure, he’ll probably get followed the whole time, but he’s a big guy and can be sterner than her, tenfold.

As soon as he exits, it’s brief pandemonium. They try to box him in against the door, probably trying to get a shot inside. Ben manages to slip past them against the front window, starting to walk as they all begin to follow him.

TMZ manages to get out in front first with their video camera and he’s glad he’s not wearing sunglasses so they can see how absolutely fucking annoyed he is with them.

“Hey Ben, how are you doing today? Are you and Rey together?” 

He decides to have a little fun with them, “Documentary is going great, thanks. She’s a gem to work with.” 

“Are you two together though-“

Ben shrugs, “You tell me. I’m sure you have the article written up already.” 

His car is in sight and they try one more time, “Confirmation would be key-“ 

“Ha, yeah I’m sure. Have a lovely day guys.” Then he walks even faster and past the camera, looping around the driver’s side of the Tesla and yanking the door open and ducking in.

He starts the car, clips in his seatbelt, and watches over his shoulder for a free moment to pull into the street. He does, then coasting down the road and almost completes a square around the block to pull into the alley way.

He successfully parks, getting out of the car. He grabs his jacket just in case Rey still wants it for comfort (or to hide her outfit). Luckily the back door is unlocked and he enters into the back of the salon to resurface to Rey paying for the wig installation.

She looks like an entirely different girl, like the girl he fucked in South Korea. Ben holds out the jacket and she takes it, shrugging it on and smiling at Sola. She reassures, “Poe will take good care of your work, I promise.” 

Sola nods, “I know, I have confidence in the man. Be careful when you take it off, I used pretty strong adhesive.” 

She nods, then turning to Ben again. “Ready to go? Can we get coffee on the way back to my place?”

Her look is so hopeful that he can’t help but smile wide.

“Of course.” 

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Ben takes a nap, surprisingly.

There’s a few hours before dinner where he can, so he stretches out in her bed and snoozes away while she does  _ everything  _ in preparation for her video shoot tomorrow. Including shaving her pussy so her bikinis look brilliant and popping the zit on her chin that’s been budding since this morning. 

Once they get closer to dinner, and Poe sends over the restaurant and reservation info for a rooftop LA eatery she’s never been to before, she starts the process of waking up Ben. She sits on his side of the bed and settles her hand across his shoulder blades to shake his back.

He barely stirs and she says, in a sing-song tone, “Oh Be-e-en, wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up.” 

He groans and she smiles to herself, leaning over and kissing his exposed temple as he rolls onto his back and scrunches his face up. She’s still wrapped in a towel from her shower, wig dry from the shower cap. She nearly didn’t recognize herself in the mirror when she took it out.

His eyes open, focusing on her before he sighs and yawns. Then he rubs his eyes, and she pecks him on the lips before getting up and walking to her closet. She takes a slip dress off the rack, light blue with a soft floral pattern on it.

Sliding it onto her frame, she adjusts it on her small chest and makes the decision to tape her tits into place for good measure. While she’s doing that, he enters the closet and watches her while scratching the back of his head. He’s just in his briefs, his old clothes on the floor in her room.

“I had a dream.”

She looks back as she tapes her right tit and he continues, “You were under me, I was fucking you all nice and slow and…”

He looks like he’s contemplating continuing before he shakes his head. “Never mind. Dumb dream.” 

She shakes her head as she whispers, “No, I like to hear about those things. Please.”

“Too soon to say it. I’ll tell you later when we’re in the thick of it.”

She pouts and he sighs, reaching out to stroke through her tresses, bunting himself up against her front. Rey doesn’t have makeup on, but he still has a bulge that is visible through the charcoal fabric. Why is that? Does he like her natural face? He apologizes, “Sorry I’m hard. I can probably get rid of it-”

In response, Rey drops to her knees. His eyebrows furrow as she reaches for his waistband, pulling his briefs gently down and exposing his cock. It’s half-hard, and her hand wraps around the base and he replies with a breathy little, “Oh.”

Then her mouth wraps around the head, sucking on the tip while staring up at him with big innocent eyes. He checks his watch.

“Dinner at seven?” 

She nods. He nods back and she continues the process of blowing him. Giving him pleasure is so rewarding for some reason, unable to really determine why she loves being a submissive creature when she was abused as it prior.

_ Maybe,  _ the healthy part of her brain pipes up for once,  _ it’s because he’s kind to you. _

She only wants someone to love her and if blowing Ben makes him stare at her like that, she’ll do it as much as possible to keep it going. Her head bobs, eyes lidding slightly as she tastes the salty tang of pre-cum on her tongue and feels him thicken up in her mouth. Her cheeks hollow on occasion, the smooth inside muscle brushing against the shaft and causing him to moan everytime it happens.

His cock pushes on the back of her throat and she clutches her left thumb in her fist to abate her gag reflex, a rumor on the internet. It doesn’t do much but take her mind off the automatic gags she emits when he tries to shove more into her mouth. Ben is gentle then, fucking her mouth slow while she keeps her jaw slack and tongue flat. 

He warns, “I’m going to come.” She makes puppy eyes, wrapping her lips again and letting him increase his tempo. She bobs her head to meet his thrusts and it’s the final stretch for not a long time.

He blows in her mouth, nearly down her throat already. All she does is swallow, not thinking much about the taste at the back of her tongue that’s unsavory for literally everyone. 

She pulls off him and smiles bright. Ben leans down and kisses her, before pulling her up by her elbows. She smooths out her dress and he grabs her ass through the fabric and yanks her close to him and into his arms. 

He cages her in and she buries her face into his shoulder.

“Let me hold you for awhile. It's the least I can do.” Her feet shuffle to stand on his and he supports her easily.

It’s the best she’s felt in a long time.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

It’s dark by the time their meals are served.

Dinner has been good so far, Ben mostly quiet and contemplative and listening in on the continuous conversation between Poe, Finn, and Rey.

They talk like they’ve known each other for a long time, Poe taking on this supportive fatherly role that Ben speculates deeply on. Finn is more like a happy best friend, and his relationship with Poe looks romantic and strong.

It’s reflecting goals for he and Rey, what kind of lovers they could be with just a little help. “So, Ben?”

It’s Poe asking him this and he perks up as he shoves more pesto chicken into his mouth. Poe continues, “Do you have any dirt on Snoke?”

He snorts, sitting back in his chair and subtly setting his hand on the inside of Rey’s thigh like a lazy king with his courtesan. “I’m bound by an NDA for the next,” he checks his watch, “Ten years. But oh, do I.” 

Rey giggles, clearly entertained by the fact that Ben has heaps of gossip on a past presidential candidate. Poe then asks, “Oscars gossip? Like who congratulated you first that wasn’t your team?” 

“Only director Bail Bar. Guy is huge in person, twice the width of me and sounds like he smokes a hundred cigars a day. Called me a kid.”

Ben then says, “I’m thirty two years old. Hardly a kid.” 

Rey scowls, “How rude.” 

Ben nods, and Finn then asks, “So how long have you two been together?” 

They both mumble, in unison, “No comment.” They don’t want to talk about how they’ve only known each other for nearly two months. Nor does he accidentally want to divulge that he's fallen hard and fast for her, and she for him.

There’s so much judgment when people fall in love with others at a rapid rate, but Ben just  _ knows.  _ His stomach knots up and his throat closes when he looks at her sometimes, never wanting anything to hurt her again.

Including himself, especially himself.

“But you are together.”

She looks happy, incandescently so as she answers, “Yes.” Then she eats more salad, worried about being bloated tomorrow probably. He wants to reassure her that she’s beautiful no matter what but that’s unnecessary. She’s eating, that’s all that matters.

Finn nods, “And you were nervous about him.”

He still stares at her. He’d be nervous too, in fact he was nervous with her. She’s porcelain some days, the toughest steel others. Rey shrugs, “Not anymore. Not like with-“

She cuts off, then shaking her head with resolve. “Nope. Not saying his name anymore.” 

Ben replies, “There you go, sweetheart.” 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

There are paparazzi after dinner, which doesn’t help his case one bit.

He could care less, driving Rey back to her house. Rose is home, since the inside is lit up when Rey puts in her gate code. Ben is used to Rose being around, sometimes like a third wheel to them. He pulls into his normal spot in the driveway, and cuts the engine.

Rey asks, “Are you coming in?”

He shrugs, “Do you want me to come in?” He has some editing to get done if she doesn’t, but he’s taken to carrying an overnight bag in his car for days like these. He also, wisely, packed all his gear in the trunk that he could possibly need for tomorrow.

“If you don’t mind that my spray tan girl is coming in an hour.” It’s nighttime and he doesn’t understand beauty rituals like spray tans or facials or veneers. 

He asks the essential question, “Can we have sex after?” 

She shakes her head, “Before.” 

He nods in response and gets quickly out of the car, wasting no time looping around and opening up the passenger side. He reaches in to grab under her legs and she squeals as he lifts her gently from the Tesla. “You’re in a hurry.”

“No time to waste. Got to fuck you nice before I can’t touch you again.” 

She lets out little titters of laughter as he carries her to the front door, popping it open with his knee and walking in. The television is on when he walks into the living room, Rose painting her toenails with her foot propped on the coffee table. It looks to be some trashy reality show, and Rey calls, “Hey Rose.”

“Hey Rey! Sveta will be here soon, at ten.” 

She says, “For sure! Just yell when she’s here, I’ll be upstairs.” 

Then she brushes her hair out of her face as Ben carries her up the stairs, setting her on her feet at the top so she can walk into her own bedroom. She turns as soon as she enters, making a “come here” motion to him as she walks backwards to the grey outfitted bed. 

Ben grabs the front of her dress and yanks her back to him, aggressive enough to make her stumble a little. His mouth consumes hers, lip gloss smearing and tongues tangling as his hands travel up the hem of the dress and settle on her hips. Then one hand moves to cup her, forcing her legs a little apart. Luckily she’s wearing sneakers, so she doesn’t fall. 

He’s taking control and she’s going along with it like being dragged into a dance hall. That doesn’t seem good, and he pulls away to take a breath to ask, “All this okay so far?”

She nods fiercely. “Yes, just not too rough. Don’t hurt me.” 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, sweetheart.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [“dress” by taylor swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/6oVxXO5oQ4pTpO8RSnkzvv?si=HIFqS_rATdqssq5tboK_0g)
> 
> [blue dress](https://www.hellomolly.com/dresses/tia-maria-dress-blue.html)


	16. and we see you there over there on the internet (comparing all the girls who are killing it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He crosses his arms over his chest, camera in his lap.
> 
> Poe is still focused intently on her hair, but he’s flying through it all as he combs and sprays the layers after he’s done. Finn starts getting his makeup out, and she knows she’s running out of precious time to stare at her boyfriend.
> 
> So she takes as much as she can get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> LGBT issues (contemplating coming out)  
> Anal

Rey is tan when he wakes up. Not super tan that she’s unrecognizable or leathery looking, but like she just got back from a week in Majorca and laid out for about two hours a day.

She’s also getting dressed in sweats and a crop top, showing off a slim stomach and little bloat. He knows she’s feeling confident today thanks to that, and he yawns while grabbing the headboard above him and stretching his arms. “How long until I absolutely have to get ready?” 

“Two minutes or so. Car service will be here in fifteen.” That makes him sit up, rubbing his eyes and yawning again before getting out of bed. He’s still pretty exhausted from their marathon fuck session before her spray tan girl showed up five minutes early. Rose had to stall her while Rey cleaned the cum off her inner thighs and let him lay shirtless in bed while she got sprayed down in a weird little tent in the shower.

Overall, he’s ready for the day after stretching a little and watching her walk around the room and pack up bikinis from the closet. He knows she has Jannah coming today with an entire wardrobe, so he figures the bikinis must be a request. 

He asks, “What do you do with all the clothes from a music video shoot?” He’s watched a couple videos of her and her excess swimwear has him thinking. 

“Well anything that’s not worn and isn’t wanted by me, gets donated. Sometimes I just send it to fans who look like they’re roughly the same size, or sometimes just as a thank you and ‘sell this on eBay if you want’. I include two autographs with it if I send it so they can verify it’s my clothes if they do.”

He asks, “Doesn’t that cheapen your autograph?” He’s been told not to sign things.

She replies, “Yes, but they’re my fans. I love them. I want them to have access to me.” 

Then she says, “Speaking of which, take photos of me. I need to tease Instagram and Twitter.” Her wig is in a messy three buns, and looks nearly a part of her scalp. He takes her phone off the charger, swiping it to open the camera and get her body within the lines. She turns to her profile, arches her back to stick her ass out, tilting her head a little and looking directly at the camera.

Her hands clasp behind her like a little girl would and the whole thing practically rots with sweet innocence mixed with sultry succubus based on the eyes she’s flashing. Ben takes photos as she occasionally shifts position, popping her hip the other way.

Her body is gorgeous, and he gets different angles for her benefit and his filmmaker soul. Rey then walks towards him when she’s had enough, taking the phone to look through the photos as he looks with her. They all look pretty good to him, and she seems pleased with a few as she favorites them.

“I need to Facetune them-“

He automatically asserts himself, “No you don’t.”

She looks over with owl eyes, like the thought hadn’t occurred to her. He allows, “Add a filter if you want, but no smoothing or any shit like that. Just let yourself exist as you are for once.” 

Her nod is small, and he kisses between her brows before walking away to get dressed. She puts her phone in her purse (it’s a watermelon), and still collects things in her Gucci tiger duffle bag.

Ben eventually gets fully ready, even managing to do his hair in a record breaking minute. He needs a trim, bad, and Rey seems to notice this too. She ruffles it despite the texture wax and says, “Longer hair is cute on you.”

He snorts, “I need a trim.” 

“Poe can do it anytime you want.” 

He shrugs, knowing that he normally goes to any cheap barber and gets his tresses trimmed. Poe would be an interesting experience, and he’s sure the gossip will highlight his day. The guy seems like he talks a lot, and a lot of it is probably things that a documentary director would be tickled to know. 

He allows, “Sounds good to me.” Rey beams and zips up her duffle after dropping in her toiletry bag. 

Rey snaps and points at him to say, “So we’ve already collected releases that everyone is willing be on the documentary. Anyone that isn’t we’ll give you the list and we’ll-“ 

He answers, “Blur? I know sweetheart.”

She gives a sheepish look and quietly says, “Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with being clear.”

Doesn’t he know it.

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The set is pandemonium as soon as they arrive, handlers trying to separate Rey from Ben and Rose. They refuse to leave her alone though, and she’s shuffled into the hair and makeup trailer and sat down in Poe’s chair. Rose goes off to notify the director that Rey has arrived, in the middle of a shot with the other people in her video.

She’s invited a lot of LGBTQIA people from the media, popular YouTubers or activists or even TV personalities. There’s too many that she didn’t even know were going to show until this week, all of them excited to help her out and bring representation to her video.

“Hey baby-girl, nice wig. Forgot to say so last night.” He handles her tresses with a comb in his mouth, and Ben looks a little out of place. 

“Sit and stay awhile, Mr. Lurch. Sure that no one is going to be in that seat.” Poe combs through her wig, reaching to plug in a curling iron. 

“Curling this is going to take forever. It’s down to your ass.”

She shrugs, “Have you seen the set? How’s it look?”

Poe replies, getting started on spraying her hair with heat protectant to protect the wig even further, “The mobile homes look brilliant. All pastel and bright colors.” He also turns down the temperature on the rose gold iron, and starts to curl.

He does this rapid fire as Ben films them and Ben asks, “What are we filming today?” 

Rey replies, “You Need to Calm Down.”

“How important is this comeback video to you?”

The pinnacle question. She doesn’t hesitate, “I have this huge pit of nausea, wondering what would happen if I fucked up today or if fans hate this song and video. I just don't want to come back shallow, I need to make a statement after being silent for so long.” 

She then continues, “LGBTQIA rights and equalities are important to me for so many reasons. I need to take a stand somewhere and let my fans know they’re supported no matter what fucking happens.” 

She hates cursing but it gets her point across. Ben stops recording, reaching out to touch her shoulder gently. “Well spoken. Really well spoken.” 

She shrugs and says, “It’s true though. I get that I’m twenty two but I need to speak up. A political statement is perfectly in order.” 

He nods, actually listening to her unlike other men. Poe wraps the hair around the wand, curls bouncing down her back. Rose comes back in, Finn following behind her. Finn waves at her and she puckers her lips and blows a kiss without a hand. “Your hair looks insanely good. You should have that all the time, it’s fun.” 

She says, “I don’t think Ben would like it full time.” 

Ben says, “You don’t know that for sure. Have you asked me?” 

She takes the bait, “Then how would you feel about it?” 

His answer is diplomatic, “I don’t think I have any choice in how you present your individuality and personal style. If that’s through hair, I support it.”

She knows there’s the fact that she looks like a new girl every time she has a different wig and he _loves_ fucking her like he doesn’t know her. That’s not actually that distressing as one would think, because he only wants to fuck _her_ in wigs. Not actual other girls, only pretending so. 

Everyone has their weird kinks, but she would argue Ben doesn’t strike her as weird. He’s a normal guy to her, with a huge cock and a penchant for being soft towards her. Cushiness is necessary, basically requiring the male equivalent of a pillow you put under your feet after a long day; she needs reassuring and present, with an air of safety and devotion.

Finn is eating something from craft services. Rey asks, “How’s the director?” She barely looked over who Luke decided to choose, only having the requirements they be an LGBTQIA woman of color.

Rose replies, “Jessika is fantastic. She’s excited to meet you but she’s obviously getting everyone’s single shots and stuff out of the way before you walk on set.”

Ben asks, “Jessika?” She knows he needs to scope out the pick with his own director’s lens, and she has faith and knows he’d never be sardonic or talk down to another director. He’ll respect the choice of her team. 

Rose responds, “Pava.”

Ben nods, “Ah, she’s indie. Glad you guys are supporting smaller directors.” He crosses his arms over his chest, camera in his lap.

Poe is still focused intently on her hair, but he’s flying through it all as he combs and sprays the layers after he’s done. Finn starts getting his makeup out, and she knows she’s running out of precious time to stare at her boyfriend.

So she takes as much as she can get.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Filming the video goes smooth, when he knows this is a three day shoot.

Sure, he runs his sets differently, but Jessika is doing great for all intents and purposes. He films his own content, trying to stay out of people’s way and distract Rey as little as possible.

He’s eating at the craft service table, dipping carrots into some hummus he dished onto a plate, when Luke walks up. He grabs a bottle of water from the cooler, then looking over at him.

Ben doesn’t connect eyes, continuing to eat his carrots with the camera around his neck. Luke then asks, “What makes you think you two will stay together?”

He furrows his eyebrows and looks to him, and Luke continues, “You and Rey.”

He snorts, “Nice to see you too. Why the fuck are you harassing me about Rey when she’s the happiest she’s ever been with me?” 

Luke uncaps the water and takes a swig. “Because I know how unmanageable you can be. I’m just warning you, if you break her-”

Ben turns to him fully and points his finger in Luke’s face, licking his lips of any stray hummus. “I promised her I wouldn’t hurt her, I intend to keep that promise no matter what the fuck happens. So stay the fuck out of my business with her.” 

Luke holds up his hands, “Heed my warning, Solo. You don’t want to be like your father.”

Ben snaps, nearly loud enough for other people to hear, “Don’t you dare compare me to my father. Not cool.” Then he tosses his paper plate after licking off the remaining hummus. Then he walks away to go sit back in Rey’s cast chair. She had said he was allowed to, and he wonders if everyone eventually gets the little pet treatment from Rey.

Not that he minds being treated like pure royalty, or watching Rey strut down gravel in high platform boots, and a black high cut bikini that shows off the bottom of her breasts. There’s a purple silk flowery robe on her shoulders, billowing behind her as she walks and mimes to the camera.

Jessika lets her have a personality, encouraging her to twirl or shimmy as she walks and mouths the words. She even shakes her ass, showing off her thong bottoms and perfect ass cheeks that he would give anything to spread and see her pretty hole. He’s never wanted to do anal with her until this moment, a beast awakening inside of him that paints his brain with lewd. 

There’s another cut and she smooths out her robe before looking at him. Jessika calls into the megaphone from her chair, “Take five! We need to work out a few kinks with extras behind you.”

Rey nods, Rose immediately rushing over with a water and a granola bar. Rey ignores both and makes a beeline for him. He gets up to give her the chair and she hops on, spreading her legs like a man would. If they weren’t in public, he’d reach between them and play her like a Nintendo switch.

She looks slightly miserable, and he quietly says, “You alright?”

“Can you rub my back when we get back to mine?” 

He nods, “Anything, honey. Other than a bad back, how are you feeling?” 

She sighs, “Just an emotionally charged video for me and I want to make sure everything is right.” 

He nods, “You’re doing great so far, can guarantee it.” 

She sighs and says, “I hope so.” Rose thrusts out the water bottle again and Rey takes it. She takes big gulps, before holding it away from herself and swallowing the last gulp she took. Ben takes the bottle from her, holding it for her as a gesture of kindness.

Then she takes a few bites of granola bar, and he reaches to rub along her shoulder blades. “How’s the director doing, in your eyes?”

He shrugs, “Just fine. Not great, not horrible.” 

She sighs, “You won’t like any director unless it’s you, right?”

He’s honest, “Call it my ego, but probably.” Would he love to direct a video for Rey? Sure, but she hasn’t asked and she probably won’t ask him to. 

She giggles, “I’ll keep that in mind. I think the public would think you’re holding me hostage if you direct another thing of mine, but it’s tempting.” 

He encourages, “I’d treat your video like you: fine china.”

“I’m not that breakable.” He raises his eyebrows and then shrugs.

“Whatever you say.” She slaps his arm and he chuckles.

“You’re just a little sensitive sometimes sweetheart. It’s okay though, because I’ll take good care of you.”

She smiles up at him, and Jessika calls, “Rey we’re ready for you. Just a few more times, continue to have fun with it.” 

Rey nods, hopping up and settling her hand on his chest. That's not platonic but he doesn’t move it.

She calls as she then walks away, “Make sure you get the right angles.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of fucking up.”

Luke stares at them with a scowl, and Ben flashes a winning “fuck you” smile. 

_That’s right,_ he thinks, _I’m dicking your client down and you’re stuck with me._

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They stay for an extra hour after they wrap for the day, since Rey has to individually talk and thank everyone who came out to work today. She’s got individuals tomorrow, and then also a scene with the people from Queer Eye.

It’s one of her favorite shows to watch when she wants to feel good, and wants to see how self improvement really reigns supreme. Ben sticks close by her, talking to Jessika Pava for a while.

It’s nice to see them talking, two directors she highly respects. She hopes he can help her go mainstream if they continue to talk, if the business card exchange means anything. Normally Rey would be threatened about another girl getting his number but Jessika is in a committed relationship with a woman, though honestly clarifying she was a bisexual like Rey upon conversation. There’s comraderie between some bisexual people that’s hard to avoid, especially when loving women is involved.

She knows women, she knows what loving women is like. Rey doesn’t talk about her two month stint with a famous model that much, but that had been some of the brightest two months she’s experienced in her life. 

Jessika is the first person in the entertainment industry that she’s come out to, and it's inspired her to do something rash for her music video.

But she needs to tell Ben first, but the fear of that trumps all rationality that Ben is probably fucking fine with it and has no qualms or reservations. For god's sake, she’s crazy for imagining that it would affect him. 

It’s her life, her sexuality. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave. She’s thinking hard enough as they walk towards the car service, holding his hand while her messy bun bobs on top of her head, candy colored hair looking bleak in the twilight. 

Rey gets on her phone as they walk, hopping on Amazon (she needs it fast or she’d choose another site). 

She orders a bi flag for one day delivery. 

She’s going to come out to everyone.

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Ben figured she’d be exhausted.

That was a wrong assumption on his part, when she looks over at him with her makeup still on. She looks like a little doe with winged liner and glossy lips, so tanned and gorgeous. Her freckles pop even with her tan and he can’t resist her spell.

He packed for multiple days anyway.

She asks, “Stay with me? Stow your gear in my house?” 

That’s erotic to suggest for a guy like him, the ultimate safety of his gear being behind a high gate and behind a security system. That’s as good as his own fortress. 

He nods and they pull through the gate to get let out in the driveway. They start the process of getting everything out of the trunk. The driver helps as well, and Rey shucks the duffle over her shoulder and her bun bobs. Rose can carry a lot more than he expected and Ben is ultimately impressed by both girls’ strength. 

Once they get everything in the house and Rose tips the driver. Rey walks to the kitchen as Ben stows his gear in her living room.

Rose excuses herself almost immediately after half-sorting everything in the hallway, “I’ll need a shower before I clean up further. Rey, you all good?”

She calls back, “I’m okay! Just tired, I’m going to shower off after you.” No mention of going to bed and her pointed look towards him signifies that there’s plenty they're going to be doing tonight.

Rose takes her leave with one last wave. Rey is getting out a cup of instant Mac and cheese and he figures the stuff is mildly disgusting, but he’s never had it before. Sure, he eats blue box once in a blue moon, but instant always seemed to be a no-go territory.

She pours in the appropriate amount of water from her Brita and then puts it in the microwave while Ben walks into the kitchen. He wraps his arms around her, burying his face into her neck and manually rocking her back and forth.

She giggles, and his hands coast over her lightly defined belly. She seems so happy and pleased with his touch, given she wiggles even closer to him. He kisses along the flesh of her throat, leaving no bites; only tenderness for this beautiful girl. 

“You looked so hot today. The entire fucking video is perfectly you.”

She somehow turns in his grip and looks up at him with a wide smile. “You really think so?”

Ben answers, “I know so. Obviously I know so.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that’s the last chapter for today! hope you enjoyed! thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”you need to calm down” by taylor swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/6RRNNciQGZEXnqk8SQ9yv5?si=8aoSo82yTOawT0Nt8GbiYA)


	17. there were sirens in the beat of your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He replies, “See you at yours.”
> 
> Then he walks away to get into his own Tesla, trying not to hold up the traffic behind them. Rey is busy tuning her radio after she starts it, seeing Ben begin to drive out of the corner of her eye.
> 
> He zips pretty fast, so she does too, not thinking through the light turning yellow before he’s even close to the start of the intersection. Then it goes red, he slams on his brakes.
> 
> Two things happen: Rey cannot stop fast enough so her car goes slamming into the back of his Tesla. The force of the massive Range Rover careening into a tiny Tesla pushes the smaller car out into the intersection just as the light is turning **green**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> car accident  
> facial injury (Ben gets his trademark facial scar everyone)  
> dislocated ribs  
> concussion  
> rey getting mildly injured (scrapes, snaps a heel and falls)  
> mention of gaining weight  
> rey comes out as bisexual  
> internalized homophobia  
> ben finds out rey is bi  
> ben breaks a mirror when he finds out about the scar  
> Cursing  
> rey tweets  
> food consumption  
> nearly vomiting from pain mention

Filming the rest of the music video process is fun. It includes drag queens, lessons about being an ally to the community, Rey in bikinis and having fun with people in the entertainment sector.

It’s the last day of the video, and Rey is without a wig and in her natural brown hair. Her hair is tied up in what looks to be a headband, giant tacky cat earrings on her ears, daisy-lined sunglasses on the bridge of her nose. A blue, purple, pink bikini is on her frame, matching glitter platform sneakers on her feet. 

For some reason she looks nervous, eyes darting around as she walks onto the set and assesses her surroundings. The above-ground pool with floaties that resemble flamingos and dolphins and unicorns floating in the crystalline blue water. There’s one hot pink donut ready to be clipped into place at the bottom, floating free on the water while a water safety supervisor tries to wrangle it. 

She’s talking to Jessika, and he’s snapping a few stills on the DSLR. Then something is handed to her, folded in a square. He lowers his camera to get a look at it with his own eyes, squinting behind his sunglasses to see that it’s a flag. 

Not an American one, not by the looks of it. She holds it out to Jessika and the woman takes it, Rey’s sights then setting on him. He tries to act casual, actually whistling to himself as she steps past crew members and right in front of him. 

Her nerves are clear, palpable on his tongue and taste buds as her hands shake and her eyes screw down at the ground.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

That could take the cake for most anxiety inducing statement ever heard by his Dumbo ears. He swallows, staring her down and silently begging that she continue. She scratches the back of her neck and bites her lip.

“I-I…I’m coming out in approximately ten minutes. Ben, I’m bisexual.”

Is that supposed to...shock him?

He furrows his brows and she whimpers, “Please say something, anything-“

He blurts, “That’s all?”

Her eyes go wide, and he inhales sharp while glancing from side to side and then shrugging. “I didn’t think you were exactly straight I guess, I don’t know. Uh, what you like doesn’t matter to me, I can accommodate the best I can with the body parts I have-“ 

She rushes at him, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his chest. His arms entangle around her, latching just above her butt. He takes a few deep breaths, as much as he can with her being a boa constrictor.

“Thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything. Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to tell me.” 

She shakes her head, and pulls away from him while sniffling. She then audibly swallows and flashes him a watery eyed smile. He asks, “How are you doing it?” 

She replies, carefully dabbing at her nose with a crumpled up tissue she pulled out of nowhere, “Floating out of frame and zooming in on me dragging a bisexual flag with me. I have a few other ideas but we’ll see how it looks. It’ll be a great ending credits background.” 

He nods and looks at the sunlight they are working with, before looking back at her. She has glitter along her winged liner. “I should go test out the water. You know.” 

She shrugs and he snorts, reaching to grab her shoulder and squeezing carefully. “I’m very proud of you, baby.” 

She blushes, even past all the rouge on her cheeks already. She looks glowing from within, even though she’s close to tears. She mouths, “Love you.”

Then she walks away from him, with a sway in her hips.

He knows, in that moment, just how unstoppable Rey Kanata can be.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Who knew coming out would be like ripping off a layer of skin when you’re down to bone?

Dragging the flag, fluffing it out felt like preparing for the funeral of her career. What if people hate her? What if they call her a whore? What if they assume things about her?

Rey just wants to love people, any sort of people. She doesn’t want to be shrunk into a little box to play in for the rest of her life. She wants to love, to be loved irrevocably and without punishment for the lover. That seems impossible in the landscape they live in, but by god, she’ll try to balance.

The water ripples, and she drifts off to the side on another camera take, dragging the flag behind her to cut through the water like a knife through butter. She can’t help but smile to herself, maybe in smugness but it could also be relief. The fact that she won’t have to hide this secret after it comes out to the public at a pre-prescribed time. She can forget she did this until then, no harm no foul. 

The megaphone clicks on after she gives her final approval on the shot, a smile stretching on her cheeks as she watches the flawless punch in and the idyllic sway of the water on the flag. “And that is a wrap of You Need to Calm Down! Congratulations Rey, we have cake for you in the catering tent.” Jessika pats her on the back as she says it, and Rey can’t help but giggle and struggle to contain the titters that make up her vocal chords. 

Before she knows it, she’s being rushed and picked up by Ben. He practically shakes her like a dog would a chew toy, hugging her tight. “I’m so proud of you! Look at you!”

She can’t help but beam, staring at the loop of the bisexual flag dragging across the water.

She’s so god damn close to freedom, she can taste it.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Rey almost forgets her birthday is happening the week after they wrap until Rose asks her what kind of cake she wants for her party about a week before, a dinner that she forgot to tell her to plan. 

Rose luckily knows her well, taking on the brunt of it and inviting her closest confidants, including Luke and Ben. That’s bound to be interesting, and she knew she needed to call Jannah to get her a dress that will wow her small dinner and her boyfriend.

They’re trying some on today, Rey having her first day without Ben in at least five days. She’s got dance rehearsals for the Delicate video, and a walk through of the set and lot they're using the next day, so she won’t see him that day either. Instead it’ll be a different film crew, one that someone at Skywalker Sound hires to grab behind the scenes footage. 

Jannah is showing her dresses, a chartreuse floor length one catching her eye along with a mock neck red bandage number that accentuates the little curves she has. She’s noticed a little more padding on her hips since getting with Ben, and she figures it's the fact that she’s been barely working out and letting her metabolism do all the work.

It’s easy to eat fries when you’re happy, Rey having been restricted to sad and limp salads with Fett. She turns around in the mirror and stares at how short it hits, knowing Ben might as well lose his mind over it.

It’s perfect, red and tight to her body. “This one.”

Jannah nods, “I agree. It’s a different color for you but accentuates your skin.”

Rey nods and reaches behind her to unzip the dress with a contort of her back. She says, making up the plan for her night on the spot, “I need another dress to go out with my boyfriend tonight.”

Ben doesn’t even know about her plan, but she already has a restaurant in mind and she wants his company. Fuck the paps, fuck the reporters, she deserves to go out with her boyfriend and wine and dine him like some kind of fucking John with a whore. Jannah asks, “Ben, right?” 

She must’ve heard from Rose, those two thicker than thieves these days. Jannah holds out a polka-dot tie strap dress. “You’ll zip it on right? This one looks mighty tight.”

“But it’s got the ultimate sex appeal. He’d be crazy not to eat you out for this one.” God, she might be right. Rey is hot, that much is obvious as she lifts her arms to the side and Jannah zips up the dress. Then Jannah ties the straps to sit off the shoulders and Rey stares in the mirror at a slim body and beautiful cinched waist that resembles Jessica Rabbit. Rey turns in the mirror to stare at her profile and smiles to herself.

“Perfect.” 

“Yeah? Call him on FaceTime, I’ll clean up.” Jannah holds out her phone and Rey takes it, opening up Ben’s contact and pressing to FaceTime him. She flips the camera to show her body off in the polka dot dress, as the FaceTime connects.

“Hey, what’s up-“ He cuts himself off with a whistle, peering close to the camera and cutting off half his face as he stares. 

“Nice dress.”

“Yeah? Wanna take me out in it?” She keeps her hip popped out and smooths over her ass with the backs of her knuckles. 

“Where do you want to go?” He’s putty in her hands and Rey smiles.

“Nobu. Six work?” 

He hums and says, “Yes, you make the reservation. Meet there? If we want to go back to yours, we’ll just take our separate cars.” She likes his rationalization, also wanting to drive her own car for once. It’ll keep her from consuming a Xanax or alcohol.

“Sounds good to me, honey. I can’t wait.” Maybe she can get out of this dress for about two hours, let her body rest without being so sucked in.

“Oh,  _ I  _ can’t wait.”

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Sure, he has editing to get done. He has to organize Hux, Phasma, and Mitaka’s schedules for supportive filming on the Delicate video coming up, but Rey can’t just wear a dress like that and expect him to ignore her.

She’s a fine specimen, obvious from the selfie she posts on her Instagram stories. She’s also in high and spiky heels and looking like she’s liable to squash his balls any second. Ben wonders if she’ll be able to drive in those, and wonders what car she’ll roll up in.

The Tesla is fresh and clean from the car wash he got this morning when he walks into the garage, adjusting his black blazer as the car unlocks and he ducks in. He’s donned a white dress shirt for the occasion, opting for black jeans to bring in a slightly casual element into the outfit. 

Luckily, Nobu isn’t that far away, the drive taking only thirty minutes and a little bit of a podcast he’s not wholly invested in.

He’s more invested in the appearance of a sky blue Range Rover already in the valet area, knowing its Rey. Especially as she gets out, bounding from the car and tossing her keys at the valet, who looks shocked to see someone so famous without much announcement or the calling of paparazzi. 

She takes her ticket, and walks into the restaurant without a look back, and the valet guy pulls the Range Rover out of the area to park. He pulls in next, taking his time to get out. He hands over the keys, taking the ticket easily. Shaking out his still-too-long hair, he heads inside of the restaurant. She’s not waiting for a table, which means she must’ve name dropped given it’s a Friday night. 

Ben steps up to the counter where a girl is staring at a tablet. He clears his throat and asks, “Hi, I’m looking for someone who should’ve been just seated under Kanata.”

She smacks her gum, checks her tablet, and then does a double take. Offering a weak smile, he hopes she doesn’t ask for further verification that he’s really allowed to sit with his girlfriend at the table. “Of course, follow me, Sir.” 

Ben does as he’s told, following the girl clothed in back to a very secluded table near the back. Rey’s back is to him, and Ben takes his time in sitting down and adjusting himself before fully staring at Rey. A menu is set before him but he ignores it in opt of scanning her. 

Rey looks polished and put together, hair pulled back into three elegant buns and lips painted a bright red. Her breasts are pushed together due to the dress and how her arms are positioned, and he reaches across the table to hold out a hand for her to take.

“You look absolutely ravishing tonight.” 

She blushes deep as she takes his hand, his thumb rubbing over the back of her knuckles, “Do I? Good enough to eat?” 

He answers simply, “To  _ devour _ .” 

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

The dress is a hit.

Especially when she gets up from the table with him, full from Nobu enough to have a noticeable food baby in her eyes. Of course Ben doesn’t seem to notice this. 

Paparazzi sit outside, and she hesitates in the lobby of the restaurant as they watch them all congregate and collect. “Give me your valet ticket, I’ll go take care of it.” 

She shakes her head, and he insists, “It’ll make it easier to get out of here. Let me, please.” She sighs, reaching into her breasts and fishing out the ticket. She hands it over, and Ben takes his leave into the throng. Flashbulbs pop and she watches him hand both tickets to the valet people. They seem to get the message, sending two guys off instead of one.

Then Ben turns to the horde, and she can hear the yelling of questions as he stares uninterested at their cameras. Ben can handle them much better than she can, but she feels horrible.

She decides to do something rash, walking towards the door and yanking it open. Her louboutins click like the shutters as she is bombarded by flashes. She keeps her head down and Ben is watching her like she has six heads. “Rey, Rey, Rey! How’s the album coming, Rey? Are you and Ben together? When’s the wedding?”

She says, quiet, “My album is going okay! It’s a process.” She ignores every other question in opt of looking over at Ben, who’s watching for the appearance of the cars. 

“What about the documentary? Can you tell us anything about that?” 

She smiles, “Ben is a genius. I’m very excited for fans to see it.”

“Has anyone showed interest-“

Ben replies, “Netflix, but you didn’t hear it from me.” She wasn’t informed that Netflix might want it, that lights a fire in her belly. She wishes she could clutch Ben’s hand but she’s not ready for the repercussions of the world figuring out Ben Solo is munching on her box.

“So what’s going on between you two?”

Rey raises an eyebrow and asks, “What could you mean?” 

Then she flashes a triple whammy of a winning, innocent, and rotten smile. Ben snorts too, “I think you guys just like making shit up. We’re good friends.”

His face screams, “ _ More like boyfriend and girlfriend, but you didn’t hear it from me _ .”

The cars both pull up, Ben’s Tesla in front and Rey’s Range Rover behind. “We’ll see you guys soon. Lovely talk as always.”

Ben nudges her and she walks to her car. He opens up the driver’s door for her. “See you at mine?” 

He replies, “See you at yours.”

Then he walks away to get into his own Tesla, trying not to hold up the traffic behind them. Rey is busy tuning her radio after she starts it, seeing Ben begin to drive out of the corner of her eye.

He zips pretty fast, so she does too, not thinking through the light turning yellow before he’s even close to the start of the intersection. Then it goes red, he slams on his brakes.

Two things happen: Rey cannot stop fast enough so her car goes  _ slamming  _ into the back of his Tesla. The force of the massive Range Rover careening into a tiny Tesla pushes the smaller car out into the intersection just as the light is turning green.

Rey is shell shocked, ears ringing and mouth slack as Ben’s passenger side goes sliding right in front of another red sedan, glass shattering and popping and screams leaving her mouth as she nearly launches herself from her Range Rover. The Tesla spins like an ice skater on a final move, then finishing with a flourish by hitting a pole head on.

Rey can hear the airbags blow and she foolishly runs across the intersection to the car. “Ma’am, ma’am!” The driver of the red car grabs her arm and yanks her back.

She yells, “That’s my boyfriend! You hit my boyfriend!”

To top it off, her left heel fucking  _ snaps  _ beneath her and she nearly goes falling onto asphalt as tears pour out of her eyes.

There’s too much happening, too bright of headlights and flashes she cannot identify. A shot of adrenaline hits her veins like someone firing a gun into the base of her spine, and her legs and arms move without her telling them too.

The air smells like rust and heated metal as she runs for Ben’s car, the other driver of the car trying to grab her again. She doesn’t realize she’s screaming bloody murder as she is grabbed, this time by another pedestrian.

“Let me go! He’s going to die, let me go!” She tries to fight her way out, kicking and screaming as sirens blare onto the scene and drown her out. There’s a crowd collecting that she can’t even see, and the driver’s side door is kicked open as a cop grabs her from a pedestrian and EMTS rush towards the car.

Ben practically falls face first out of the car and onto the pavement, bleeding profusely onto the sidewalk. 

Rey doesn’t know when shit goes black.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Waking up in a hospital room is disorienting.

Especially when it hurts to literally breathe, and the right side of his face feels uncomfortably tight and the skin stretched to its limit. There’s a fresh cup of ice on a tray in front of him, and the painful rattle of his chest has him sitting up and nearly vomiting on himself. 

A nurse comes walking in, fuschia pink scrubs popping in his tears-blurry vision.

The nurse asks, looking at his chart, “Mr. Solo, hello. My name is Corde, do you remember how you got here by any chance?”

He shakes his head, only hearing popping glass in his ears and crunching that makes the pit of his stomach open for business. Then something comes to his mind: Rey. Where is she? He was with her last, where the fuck is she now?

He asks, “Do you know where my girlfriend is? Rey Kanata, about 5’7. She was wearing a polka-dot dress-“

“Well at least your memory is mostly intact. I assume no memory of the accident?”

He snaps, “Accident? Is my girlfriend okay or not?” 

She replies, “She’s quite alright, just sitting in the waiting room-“

He demands, “Bring her in.”

She raises her eyebrows, “After I go through what’s wrong with you, I’ll bring her in. Yeah?” 

Ben nods, and she continues, “So I’m sure you’ve noticed that it hurts to breathe. You dislocated about two ribs. They were put back in place on the scene, you’ll have some swelling and bruising on both sides of your rib cage. You also have a concussion from the impact from the air bags, so we need to keep you overnight for monitoring. And…”

Her hesitation makes his heart sink. Corde grabs a mirror from the cabinet, coming back and holding the reflective surface against her chest. “To explain-“

He’s resigned, “Just show me.” 

Corde flips the mirror and hands it to him. Bile rises in the throat at the black thread stitched into a line on the right side of his face, skipping his eye. Thank god for a prominent brow bone in saving his eyes, but also he’s permanently scarred. His jaw sets and he looks away from the mirror.

“The airbag split your skin on that side, deep.”

Ben crosses his arms over his chest, swallowing his pride. “It’ll scar forever, right?” 

She nods. “Most likely you will need lasers to remove the scarring. Even then, there may be discoloration-“ 

He throws the mirror to the floor, letting it shatter. Corde gazes at him in shock and he says, “Bring Rey in. Fuck that, just fucking bring her in.” 

Corde nods. “Of course. I’ll get someone to clean up the mirror glass.”

Then she leaves the room and Ben sighs to himself. Almost like clock work, less than a minute later, another person comes in with a dustpan and avoids eye contact. Ben crosses his arms over his chest and struggles to remember what happened.

There’s a knock at the door after the clean up person leaves, and he calls, “It’s open!”

Rey opens up the door to herself. She’s still in the tight polka dot dress, lopsided on one heel. Her hair is in disarray, and there are scrapes on her hands and knees as she walks into the room. Ben watches her carefully, speculatively as she hobbles into the room, limping probably from the lack of heel on her other foot. 

She looks like hell, much like him, and her breath audibly catches in her throat. Ben asks, “That bad?” 

She shakes her head quickly and swallows down, “I thought you-“

Her voice trembles as she struggles to finish the thought, “I thought you were dead.” 

He sighs and says, “Unfortunately, I’m alive. With a fucking face scar to prove it.” 

“Maybe it won’t-“

He barks, “Look at me, Rey. Look at it.” She still trembles and he feels infinitely bad for even getting angry.

“It’s my fault anyway-“ 

He shakes his head, “I don’t even know what the fuck happened but I can guarantee it’s not.”

She shakes her head, “I rear ended you into the intersection. You wouldn’t be in bad shape if I hadn't done that.” 

Ben shrugs, “I probably stopped too fast or something. Truly, I doubt you would just rear end my fucking car unless you suddenly hated me.” He doesn’t even know what happened, might never.

“I mean...they got the whole thing on video and photos apparently.” 

He asks, “Who did?” 

She replies, “All the paparazzi that were there. They got my um...tantrum when they wouldn’t let me into the ambulance with you. Can’t wait for that to be all over tomorrow morning.” 

She then says, “I covered your face with your blazer though so they couldn’t get any pictures.” He can imagine Rey protecting his body like Golem with the ring, hissing and spitting at anyone who comes too close. The image makes him snort, chest puffing out.

Then he says, “Who gives a fuck about the media. I’ll fucking sue them for interfering with the scene of an accident or something. I’ll sue the absolute fuck out of them.” 

Then he looks around, “Where’s my phone?”

She asks, “Why?”

“I’m tweeting, where is my phone?” 

She clicks her tongue and says, “We’re not tweeting  _ anything  _ until tomorrow okay? You need to rest and recover tonight, no popping blood vessels over paparazzo.”

He scowls before grumbling unintelligibly, puffing out his chest further. She moves closer to the bed and he says, “You look like hell. What happened to your heel?”

She says simply, “Snapped it.”

He snorts and then reaches to grab her hand, yanking it to kiss her knuckles. “So, here’s what you’re going to do.”

She listens intently, obvious by the owlish look on her face, as he speaks, “You’re going to go home, get some sleep, and take care of yourself. Don’t worry about me. Then tomorrow, you’re going to pick me up after I get discharged and take me home. After that? Anything you want.” 

“If you’re implying that I want to fuck you after you-“

He rolls his eyes, “No, though I’m not porcelain. I’m sure you could fuck me with broken ribs and I’d thank you.”

She giggles, a weak little titter that makes his heart sink a little further. “Okay? Honey, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.” 

She says, “How do we know that? You could have brain damage, or worse-“

He shushes her, “I don’t want to talk about that right now. I don’t want to think about it either, so why don't we just drop it.” 

She whimpers and he pulls her close to him, not even caring that it hurts his ribs and feels like someone ripping out his bones. Rey curls into his side on top of the hospital bed, and begins to sob into his chest while wedged up against the railing. 

It’s the least he can do after all.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

She tweets in the car on the way to Ben.

She never does these days, but after sleeping on it and seeing her boyfriend’s bloody face plastered on TMZ like his pain is the hot goss of the week, she decides to get her points across. She’s pretty fucking livid when she opens up her Twitter account and flies into a thread.

_ @reykanatasings: it has come to my attention that my director’s face is all over TMZ and other leech-like gossip sites after the tragic car accident that i caused. normally i would never comment on what vultures the media are, but this goes beyond what i find comfortable and what i can handle _

_ @reykanatasings: Ben will be okay, he had dislocated ribs and has a permanent facial scar now, but do you have no fucking shame???? did you think that it was funny or clever to take videos and photos of someone’s potential death? he could’ve been dead in the car and you were still taking photos of him, of me with no regards for our feelings  _

_ @reykanatasings: i may have signed up for fame, but i didn’t sign up for my good friend to get plastered across TMZ during a traumatic event. shame on you if you’re sharing the photos, you’re no fucking fan of mine. _

_ @reylkanatasings: oh yeah, and stop asking me who i’m fucking. i’ll make it your business when i’m ready _

She makes all these tweets in the backseat of the car, Rose driving today. Rey hasn’t gotten in the driver’s seat since the night before, her Range Rover already in the body shop as of this morning. Rey knows Ben will have to get his car towed from the impound lot tomorrow. His Tesla is crushed on most sides except the driver’s side, and that’s what the internet said saved his life. 

Rose pulls into the Cedars Sinai parking garage, finding a space relatively easy. Rey says, “I’ll get him.” She grabs the duffle bag she brought for him, full of clothing that she had Rose buy today, giving a rough size measurement.

Rose nods, getting on her phone and changing the song as Rey gets out of the car and navigates the parking garage to get inside of the hospital. Taking the stairs two at a time, she enters into the lobby. She checks her phone again.

Ben has texted her.

* * *

| Ben - 11:06 AM |

I have no clothes so you’re going to have to come up with something. Sorry

| Rey - 12:03 PM |

already have some for you, be up there soon

* * *

She finds her way through the hospital, through the hallways and seeing people visiting others. She should’ve picked up flowers for him, something to take the edge off of being unable to breathe.

Rey knocks on the door, hearing nothing. She goes in anyway. Ben is resting in bed, watching television and chewing on ice cubes. He lights up when he sees her. “Hey. You look much better.” 

There’s also a yogurt cup in front of him and she holds out the duffle to him. He takes it like he’s sore, and she expects he would be. Ben pulls out the white tee, also a pair of black sweats and matching hoodie. “Hopefully that all fits.”

He whispers, “Thanks, honey.” Almost as if on cue, a nurse comes in with a stack of discharge papers, a paper prescription, and a written up treatment plan. Rey tunes them out, opting to stare out the window at Beverly Hills. 

She thinks about next steps while Ben fills out his discharge paperwork and listens to the nurse. Ideally she should get him food, but she can order that and have Rose pick it up when he wants it. Also there’s the question of which house he’ll want to go to, since Rey doesn’t know if he’ll want to be left alone by himself.

Once the nurse leaves, Rey turns to look at him. His yogurt cup and ice cup are cleared, and he’s breathing shallow as he can manage as he sits up. Then he manages to stand, almost doubling over and worrying her until he regains his footing. Then he begins to get dressed, Rey offering, “I can help-“

“I’m okay. I promise.” His smile reassures her and her belly tosses and turns like a sleepy kitten. 

Everything seems to fit semi-alright, the sweats a little tight in the thighs but workable. Ben then slings the duffle over his shoulder and she winces when he groans and clutches at one of his ribs. She says, “I can carry the bag. You have sore ribs.”

He lets her take it off his shoulders and she puts it over her own, then wrapping her arms around him in a loose hug that doesn’t harm him. He lets her hug him, rubbing along her shoulder blades.

They walk hand in hand out of the hospital room, Ben pulling the hood over his head. The walk to the parking garage feels shorter than going to get him, and they make it into the concrete surrounded area before they know it.

“No paps. Thank god.” Rey nods in agreement.

“I made a few tweets today.”

He looks at her, “You?”

She nods, “Yeah, I have a lot of problems with how we were treated by the media.”

They get into the white Porsche Cayenne, and Rose begins to back out as they put on their seatbelts. Ben finally replies, “Hope you didn’t poke the skunk too much. Don’t want you to get into trouble with your team.”

She replies, casually, “Who cares? It affects me.”

Rey ignores her phone in opt of curling up close to him.

It’s her preferred spot after all. 

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

He takes a nap for he doesn’t know how long. 

When he does wake, he’s alone and his ribs hurt. That’s going to be his reality for a few more weeks unfortunately, and he takes a moment to sit up and groan in pain.

He looks around her bedroom, since he opted to stay with her and be prey to her excellent nursing techniques. He feels along his swollen skin, seeing his reflection in the mirrored dresser. The sutures look so Frankenstein, and he wonders how Rey can even look at him without bursting into tears of fear. 

He takes the moment to get up and out of bed, shuffling downstairs in just his briefs. Rose is nowhere to be found, and neither is Rey. That is until she looks out to the backyard, to the patio furniture she sits on with an acoustic guitar. 

He steps outside, watching her strum and scribble, humming to herself and singing a few words, “Are we out of the woods yet, are we out of the woods-“

Ben clears his throat and she jumps, looking over at him and looking guilty. “I-“

He asks, “What are you writing?” 

Rey blushes, “New single. I want you to direct the video to this one.” 

The way she honors him by asking is incomparable, and he asks, “Really?” Hopefully she’s not doing this to appease him.

Nodding fiercely, “Yes.” He sits down next to her heavily, then leaning over to capture her lips in his. Her hands grab either side of his face as they lip lock, and he smiles deep into the kiss as he pushes her on her back. 

Their lips break and she gazes up at him with a huge smile on her face, “Rose is getting us food right now. I guessed on what you would want.”

He nods, “Sounds fine. I need to take another painkiller.” She tries to get up but he stops her easily.

“I can do it. I’m a grown man.” Then he gets off her, walking back into the house. Rey follows with her guitar and notebook. Ben takes his dosage of painkillers (a stronger Advil upon request) dry. Rey shoves water at him and he sighs heavily.

Then he sips water and swallows. She’s staring pointedly at all his bruising, and Ben’s neck really hurts. “Is it really that bad?”

She nods, “But it’ll be okay. I’m going to pay all your medical bills-“

He cuts her off, “Sweetheart, no.” He doesn’t know why that makes him uncomfortable but he doesn’t want Rey paying for something like that. 

She insists, “I have to, to make peace with myself. Please, Ben?”

He sighs and shakes his head. “We’ll talk about it soon. As for my car, since I’m such a great driver, I just have to pay deductible. Insurance understands I don’t remember much about the accident but since it’s so high profile, they can piece together roughly what happened.” He doesn’t want to know what happened, not right now.

Rey admits, “I’m...I wrote a lot of music about us.” 

He’s not surprised, but now he’s intrigued that he knows for sure. He thought he was vain for thinking so before but it’s game over now that he has confirmation. He asks, “Play me one about me.” 

She shakes her head and leans to kiss him. He accepts the lip service and then the door begins to open. Rey pulls away and Rose comes inside carrying a bag of takeout. Jannah follows behind, carrying two bins stacked on top of each other. 

The door slams and Rey watches them both. Rose walks into the kitchen and sets the takeout on the counter, showing off Thai food. Ben says, “Yum.” 

Rose smiles, “Glad to see you’re up.” 

Ben asks, “Yeah, concussion dreams are weird. Which one is mine?” 

“Rey had me get you pad thai, so whichever one that is.” He nods and starts to rifle through the things as Rey walks over to the bins and starts rifling through.

“Delicate outfits. I figured we could get you into a fitting tonight or tomorrow morning. I know you skipped rehearsals-“

Rey says, “For good reason. Let me strip and we’ll just do it right now.” 

Ben watches her slide off her sweater, a Wildfox one that reads Tigress across her breasts. Her pink sweats nearly match, and those go down too. Rose seems used to this and Jannah gets used to it quickly, as Rey lifts out a blue floor length dress with tassels and fringe. It looks very twenties, and she slides it on her body as Ben opens up the boxes of food and finds his.

He takes small bites as he watches her look in the body length mirror that she has set up in the living room. Rey asks, “Does it do the thing?”

Jannah asks, “Wanna try it? It reattaches with Velcro so it’s virtually harmless to rip it off.” 

Rey nods and Jannah gets out another copy of the exact dress that Rey changes into, and he’s intrigued as she does a few dance steps. Then she rips her skirt to the side and the bottom of it comes off with a flourish as she tosses it aside and shimmies slightly. It leaves her with a skirt that hits just above the knees. 

“I want more of this for the tour. This costume change stuff.” 

Jannah replies, “Noted. I have this one catsuit I want to design for you, like you’re dripping in jewels.”

She says, “Make it a quick change with a thong bodysuit beneath-“

“And we’re in business?” 

Rey nods in response and Jannah claps her hands together in glee. “You’ve got it. I won’t disappoint you, you’re going to want to have sex in this thing it’ll be so pretty.” 

Ben snorts as Rey looks directly at him, eyes flitting back to his food so his blush doesn’t grow across his body.

“Maybe he will. Show me the next one.”

And that’s that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey, it’s been a bit. this one is kinda heavy, sorry. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”getaway car” by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhPLQVlUiNQ)
> 
> [polka dot dress](https://www.houseofcb.com/paloma-black-polka-dot-mini-dress.html)  
> [Ben’s black Tesla](https://www.tesla.com/modely)  
> [Nobu Los Angeles](https://www.noburestaurants.com/losangeles)  
> [tigress sweater](https://www.wildfox.com/products/bbj-tigress-cobra?variant=31717587025968&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=CjwKCAjw8MD7BRArEiwAGZsrBSYI4XJO6tzrNx0ToIseYjqAQmd4Sm0_e_Rgs2lgZPFTf9kQAyI68hoC1AQQAvD_BwE)
> 
> [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)


	18. don’t you dream impossible things?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You spoil me far too much.” 
> 
> “Not enough. You know I had to ask myself, what do I get the girl who has everything?”
> 
> She blushes deep, “What did you get me?”
> 
> **“You’ll just have to see, won’t you.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags   
> birthdays  
> cats  
> food consumption   
> alcohol consumption   
> gift giving   
> Facetune mention   
> bad body image   
> mention of aging   
> Ben is referred to as a “father” to Rey’s cats   
> children mention   
> mention of fish death (literally trying to cover all the bases)

Life goes back to normal.

Sort of. 

Besides album rush and also writing like mad, she enjoys her last week of twenty two as much as she possibly can. It’s hard to enjoy it when you’ve permanently maimed the boyfriend you’re enjoying it with, but she tries hard to forget about it like he’s requested and takes the week’s events in stride.

Her birthday comes up fast, brakes screeching and rocking the car when they finally arrive at the day. Rose lets her sleep in until noon, Ben gone since the night before citing that he had “work to do”. Would she have rather him stayed? Yes, but she’s trying to give him space if he wants it after the accident, because she’d want to be away from herself too. 

She has three sprinkles cupcakes for breakfast/lunch, goes and does her workout in the basement after feeling guilty about it, and wonders if Ben will still think she’s hot at twenty three. Will he? Or will she suddenly get wrinkles and everything undesirable on a woman at once?

Will she be washed up by the end of the year? What if her album flops?

All of these questions run through her head as she takes selfies for Instagram, post-gym. She opens up Facetune when she’s done selecting the shots she likes, but hesitates over the button to import a photo.

She closes Facetune, opens up Instagram, and posts her least favorite one before she can get sick over it or overthink it. Once it’s sent off in the ether, she tucks her phone back in her leggings.

Rose calls from upstairs, “Rey, can you come up here for a minute?” 

She adjusts her sports bra before walking out of the home gym, taking the stairs two at a time and walking into the living room.

There’s a cardboard box on the floor, tipped upside down like it’s trapping something. A big pink bow sits on top of it, and there are air holes poked in it.

She eyes Rose suspiciously, and she nods to it. “Peek at it.”

Rey looks wary, “But-“

“Do it.”

Rey gets on the floor and crawls to the box, then lifting it off the ground.

A sleepy, creamy white kitten with brown spots over his eyes yawns. Her heart constricts and she’s immediately picking up the kitten. “Hi munchkin. Oh my goodness, you’re so small.” 

Rose says, “He was the runt at the shelter. But happy birthday, I thought your maternal instincts would be bouncing off the walls, what with Ben-“

Rey gives a pointed look at her and looks back at the kitten, checking the gender to make sure. It’s a boy and she asks, “Where are Teedo and Bebe?”

“They’re in the cat room.” They converted a guest bedroom into a cat playland for them, and it’s also a room to hold the litter boxes upstairs. Rey holds the kitten close to her, who’s playing with a strand of her hair hanging down. 

“I love him.” 

Rose asks, “What are you going to name him?”

There’s a knock at the door, and Rey perks up and sees Ben through the window, holding a giant box. She’s given him the ultra secret code to get into the gate immediately, and she rushes, while holding the kitten, to the door. Opening it up, she beams at him.

He scans her up and down before staring pointedly at the kitten. “Another one? What’s his name?” 

It’s like something ticks into place when he asks. She looks at him, then the cat. The cat is rather small, but when his blue eyes open, they read of an old soul who knows all. Much like the man standing in front of her.

“Benjamin Button.”

Ben gazes at her before saying, “You’re kidding.” He looks like he’s in disbelief. 

She shakes her head and then whispers, “It fits. Hello Mr. Benjamin Button.” She nuzzles the cat’s tummy and then notices the two wrapped black and white boxes stacked on top of each other set on the hall table. 

“What are those?”

Ben says, “Your presents. I can take the kitten so you can open them.”

She holds the kitten close to her and ignores him, struggling to open the bottom large box with one hand. Eventually she pops it open to see thirty six light blue and pink forever roses in a checkerboard pattern. She stares at them in complete shock. Sure, she’s gotten roses from men before, but it’s mostly men she’s not interested in.

She loves Ben a lot, and  _ forever  _ roses from him feel like fucking sex. Rey asks, stupidly, “Are they for me?”

He nods, “Of course they are. Want me to open this one for you?” He holds up a small rectangle box, looking like it contains jewelry. She hopes it doesn’t, and he rips off the paper and lifts the lid to show off a piece of paper with a flourishing script.

Rey reads it off in her head:  _ I, Ben Solo, give Rey Kanata permission to use and abuse my body however she chooses on the date of April 13th, 2020, or any date after. _

She looks up with a wide smile on her face at the offer, and Ben sets the paper back into the box and shuts the lid. Rey sets down Benjamin Button to walk around and explore his new home, and Rey hugs Ben tightly. He hiccups from her pressing on his hurt ribs and she only squeezes tighter. 

He asks, “Are you ready for your party tonight?”

For once, Rey feels confident, “Ready as I’ll ever be.” 

She’s going to take on twenty three with an iron fist.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Benjamin Button likes him for some strange reason. The other cats think the kitten is some kind of drowned rat so they ignore him for now, but Benjamin struts his stuff behind Ben whenever he walks about the house.

He’s putting on his cufflinks for dinner when the cat comes toddling in. Rey is getting changed in the other room and has banned him to her walk in closet for the time being until the big reveal. 

He kneels down and Benjamin moons up at him with big kitten eyes that cause his heart to combust. “What’s up little dude?” It’s almost as if the cat can understand him, digging his tiny paw into the knee Ben’s body is being supported by. Ben picks up the cat without another thought, holding the purring kitten to his chest and relishing in it.

Then he pets him, scratching under his chin and looking into his big blue eyes. Rey calls, “Ben? Can you come look at this dress?”

Ben nods to himself, standing up and still holding the cat while he leaves the closet. Rey turns around and shows off the skin tight red dress with a high mock neck. It coordinates with his all black suit ensemble and he whistles. Rey takes the kitten from him and holds him in the crook of her neck.

“I feel...large in this dress.” 

He raises his eyebrows, “I see the opposite. You look fantastic.” She looks extremely uncomfortable as she looks at her profile and then back to him. Rey sighs and still holds the kitten close as she walks past him.

“Do you think we should lock him up in a room? Or let him roam with the other cats?” 

Ben says, “Whatever you want-“

“I mean you are his father so you do have input.” 

That knocks the air from his lungs and he asks, “What?”

She says, now worried, “Yeah you’re kind of his dad.” 

Is he considered worthy enough to father one of Rey’s cats? Is he stepfather to the other ones? Does she share custody with former lovers? Benjamin  _ screeches  _ from her shoulder and she sets him down on the bed. Then Benjamin waddles to the center and flops over. 

If he’s going to father anything, this would be good practice for the future. It’s not that Ben  _ wants  _ kids, he just doesn’t desire them right now. Rose and Jannah are watching them, giving each other a look and he swallows. He makes the call, “Lock him up separate from the other cats. We want to supervise them more, make sure they're not bullying him.” She nods in agreement and looks back at Benjamin. 

Rey remarks, “Gives the cats an opportunity to roam around if they want.” Then she puts on her high Louboutins, replacements for the ones she broke. The black makes her long legs stick out, along with the platform lengthening them. She’s got legs for days at this rate; he doesn’t ever want to leave them alone.

She walks up to Ben and grasps his hand, pulling his knuckles to her lips to kiss. The act is so erotic that he suppresses a groan in opt for stepping closer to her and leaning down to kiss her softly. 

Rose clears her throat and Rey takes a deep breath as she pulls away, exasperated. “Car service will be here soon. Chewie is also coming to dinner tonight.” Ben’s secretly glad he’ll get to see the huge man, Rey using Ben as some kind of pseudo body guard in his place when she’s scared. He needs to talk with him about his father, get an update since Han isn’t returning his calls again. He knows he’s alive since Ben hacked into his WiFi security system a long time ago. Though is it hacking when you were the one setting up the username and password for your inept father?

He feels along her makeup covered skin, then pulling her close to him. He hugs her tight and sways with her. Benjamin walks from the center of the bed and leaps to the floor, then waddling to the rug and flopping on his back. Rose leans down and pets his belly. 

It feels so picture perfect that he wants to take a snapshot forever.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Dinner is large and in charge, Rose outdoing herself this year.

She chose one of her favorite restaurants, A.O.C., and invited many of her friends and co-workers. The dinner takes place in a room lined with wine racks, a large bronze bull head mounted on the wall to watch over them as they debaucherously dine and laugh.

Rey is given all the wine she wants, along with uninterrupted time to fuck with Ben’s left thigh. He sits in the chair to her right, Rey sitting at the head of the table and being the center of the attention. Unfortunately, Luke is across from Ben and sat next to her all of the meal. Ben doesn’t look to thrilled about this, sipping his Pinot Noir with distaste and also contempt for the other man.

Rey leans over, “Wanna go to Malibu tomorrow?” She has to see her moms for her birthday lunch, since they couldn’t make it to this dinner due to a pottery class they couldn’t cancel. It’s okay though, because she has all she needs with people like Ben and co.

He asks, “Malibu?”

“See my moms. See your mom maybe. Have you seen her since the accident?”

Ben adjusts his napkin and replies, “I’ve been avoiding her.” 

She gives him a look and says, “You know better than to avoid things that are pressing, Solo.” 

He shrugs, “Do I? Jog my memory a little, Kanata.” 

Luke audibly gags, listening in, “You two are the worst combination I have had the pleasure of setting up. Absolutely insufferable.” 

Ben boasts, “Well I’m daddykins to her fucking cat so.” 

Luke raises his brows and Rey explains, excitedly, “I got a kitten from Rose.” 

“So Ben is now the father.” 

Ben nods, “Got a problem, old man?”

“Hardly. Actually, one. When have you ever taken care of anything effectively in your life? You killed all your fish-“

“Fuck you, thats a sensitive spot for me. And technically  _ you  _ killed them-“

“This again-“

“By turning on the water heater too high like an asshole. You boiled my fish.” 

Rey sits between them and sips her own rosé, watching them come to verbal blows over what she assumes to be Ben’s childhood trauma. Rey looks at Rose, who’s giggling with Jannah and looking as happy as she can be while enjoying the bread and butter set out at the table. 

Kaydel is quiet where she sits, wedged next to Finn and Poe, who helped set up the streamers and letters for the party. Gold letters spell out  _ Happy 23rd Birthday Rey _ , along with a little sash that sits on her shoulder that says  _ Birthday Girl _ . It was forced on her as soon as she got inside the room for photo ops.

“You think you’re such hot shit-“

“I know I’m hot shit, old man. What about you-“

Rey warns, “ _ Enough _ .” Her voice is cold and Ben gets the message, along with Luke who just sips his water haughtily because he got a rise out of his nephew. Rey will have to talk to him about it, to plead that he doesn’t mess with Ben any longer.

Ben matters a lot to her and Luke shouldn’t be making an effort to scare him away; Rey already does that enough with her attitude and just general way of being. She clutches Ben’s hand tight, glad they’re waiting for food instead of waiting for a table or anything else.

She leans over to speak close to his ear, “So anything I want?”

His lips wrap around the words, “Anything. I have another gift for you in my car.” Ben’s been driving a BMW while his Tesla is in the shop.

“You spoil me far too much.” 

“Not enough. You know I had to ask myself, what do I get the girl who has everything?”

She blushes deep, “What did you get me?”

“You’ll just have to see, won’t you.” 

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

The paparazzi wait outside for all of them, but Ben is smart.

Very smart; smart enough to toss a blazer over her head, pick her up and cover her ass and up her skirt, and go in the middle of the throng leaving the restaurant so they can’t find her or pick her out in the crowd too quick. Once they do, Ben  _ runs  _ to the car and shoves her in the backseat with him as Rose also runs for it with Jannah and Kaydel. They’ve all decided on a sleepover tonight, in order to leave Rey alone with her man.

The drive home is quiet, Ben holding her thigh tight and chewing on the inside of his cheek as the road coasts beneath their tires. “Rey, you’ve gotta confirm you and Ben soon.”

Rey leans over the passenger seat to look at Rose’s phone, seeing the pictures start to come out of leaving her birthday party. He’s very obviously touching her ass in a lot of them, but only to protect her skirt from flashing people. She shrugs, “Nah. Let them consume themselves.” 

Ben is on his phone, typing furiously on something. From what she can see, it’s an email, a strongly worded one. She minds her business and looks forward as they finish the rest of the drive to her house.

They’re dropped off outside of her gate and Rey punches in her code easily. Rose and Jannah are talking quietly, Kaydel on her phone as well as they make their way into the house. Rey tugs Ben towards the stairs when he finally gets inside, impatient for her gift that he promised. He’s tucking something into his blazer when she does and he softly laughs.

Rey calls, “Rose, we’re going to be upstairs! Don’t bother us!” Then she tugs him up a step.

He asks, “No water? Nothing?” 

She walks up the stairs, letting go of his hand as she does. “Be my guest but you’re keeping the birthday girl waiting.”

“I’ll be sure not to take too long.” She smiles to herself and then walks up the stairs, opening up her bedroom door. Benjamin Button is asleep on Ben’s side of the bed, where Ben conveniently left a nice and cozy tee to curl up on. She then reaches behind her to try to get the dress off, and Teedo and Bebe come strolling into the room. 

She lies face first on the bed when she realizes she can’t get the dress off alone, and waits. Benjamin still snoozes away, and she knows she’s going to have to deposit the kitten somewhere nice and safe while things get hot and heavy.

Ben slams her door and Rey doesn’t make an effort to get up. Ben’s hands land on the back of her dress and he unzips it with a flourish. Then he manually lifts her off the bed, sets her upright on her feet, and begins to take her out of the tight and restricting dress. The bandage material is no joke and she takes her first deep breath in hours once the dress finally lets out. 

He turns her around to stare at her with intense and probing eyes. His sutures are healing, dissolving to disappear into his skin. She hopes maybe the memory and smell of the accident will dissipate too. Ben asks, “So…”

She asks, quiet, “Is it okay if I just want plain old soft?” Maybe he was expecting kinky or crazy, but she’s mushy for this man and that much is obvious as she stares with what she assumes are puppy eyes. 

“That’s okay. Are you sure though? We could do whatever you want. Rough, slow, fast, anything.” Ben picks up the kitten and holds it close to his chest while he stares at her with wariness.

“Or we could just not do anything and take a rain check. Enjoy the fur baby a little more.” Now that is tempting and she looks at him holding the small cat. 

She decides that she really does deserve to have attention placed on her person today. Unclasping her balconette bra, she shrugs it off her shoulders. Ben sets Benjamin down on the cat bed in the corner, letting the sleepy kitty occupy the space. Teedo and Bebe sit beneath the bed, and Ben shrugs off his blazer. She leaves her panties on as she turns around and unmakes the bed.

Ben walks up behind her, then gently caressing her hip. There’s a massive seatbelt bruise there from where the block part of the seatbelt dug into her hip when she rear-ended him. Rey bruises easily and badly usually, having something to do with an iron deficiency she just can’t shake.

It’s constant upkeep to keep herself in tip top shape and not completely broken. She’s been doing a horrible job at it for the past year and she’s surprised it hasn’t caught up with her. Ben’s cock digs into her ass as he grinds into her, holding her other hip tightly so as to not disturb the bruise. “I feel like I get deeper when I fuck you from the back. Is that accurate?”

She nods her head. “Very accurate. But you have a huge-“

“Wait, do you want your other present?”

She looks back at him, seeing him still clothed. She contemplates before nodding, and Ben pulls away from her and walks back to his blazer. Rifling around the inside pockets, he pulls something rather large and book-shaped from them.

Then he holds it out to her, “I should’ve wrapped it but I was worried about smudging the ink and I was late.”

The journal she’s handed is a basic white book, with gold foil ribbing along the side. There’s a massive twenty-three written on the cover, in fine calligraphy that has her looking up close at the flourish of the ink. Ben says, “I didn’t know if you had a journal for this year or what, so I took it into my own hands. If you don’t want it-“

“No, I want it. I definitely want it. Did you do this yourself?” 

He nods, “I do calligraphy to calm me down. Something about the flow of ink just does it for me.” 

She holds the book close to her naked chest. “This might be the best gift someone’s gotten me.” 

He raises his eyebrows and asks, “But Mr. Benjamin Button.” 

She amends, “Non-living gifts.” Then she sets the journal on the bedside table, setting a pen on top of it so she can write in it after Ben hits the hay. She finds she writes better when he’s snoring next to her, like his peacefulness radiates off. She steps up to him and wraps her arms around him in a hug while saying, “Thank you, babe. It means so much that you listen to me.”

Ben picks her up in his arms and her legs wrap around his waist, face burrowing into the crook of his neck as he gently sways with her. 

She never wants to be put down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy twenty three, Miss Rey. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”starlight” by taylor swift](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7jTyAa2unWQ)
> 
> [AOC wine bar](https://aocwinebar.com/)   
>  [rey’s birthday dress (imagine this red)](https://www.houseofcb.com/navaz-beige-lurex-panelled-bandage-dress.html)   
>  [louboutins](https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/christian-louboutin-apostrophy-pointed-red-sole-pump-prod192130090)   
>  []()   
>  []()


	19. look at this godforsaken mess that you made me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then she states, “I should’ve pressed charges like my moms told me to. I should’ve put him in jail.”
> 
> Ben asks, “Why didn’t you?”
> 
> She struggles for words, “Because he...he told me that only he would love me. And I believe him. There’s no possible way someone can love someone as damaged as me.”
> 
> Ben shakes his head with a set jaw. “No. You know that I love you, you cannot deny that.” 
> 
> “It’s a mistake that you do. **I should be pining after you.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> references to a past abuser (fett), abuse includes sexual, physical, and emotional  
> PTSD freak out (for lack of a better term)  
> rey is just not doing well huh  
> rey passes out due to dehydration and exhaustion  
> Ben interacts with Fett, some not great words are exchanged haha (derogatory towards rey)  
> vomit (rey pukes the morning after the PTSD freak out)  
> mention of donating money to an anti-abuse organization

“Bigger face, Rey! Come on, big face!”

Sella claps along with the beat of the song as Rey goes through the complicated and big steps, wearing tiny spandex shorts and a sports bra. She’s dripping in sweat after only an hour, Sella keeping the heat in the studio high.

She’s back in New York, since the filming for Delicate is this week. Also she missed New York, she missed the late night bodegas and the way people just ram into you on the street. She missed feeling inconsequential to the grand hubbub of the city.

Ben is in New York as well, since they travel in a pack now. He’s currently filming the dance so she can watch herself back and be the ultimate self critical primadonna she was meant to be. It’s the only way she improves, dancing not a natural inclination given her two left feet.

She goes through each of the steps, pushing back the increasing headache and exhaustion her limbs are beginning to feel. It’s when she trips and falls on her ass, that she slams her fist in the wood floor and shouts, “I fucking hate this!”

Sella watches her in silence before saying, “Get the fuck up, Kanata.” 

Rey growls and crosses her arms over her chest, glaring at the floor and refusing to move. Sella warns, “Kanata, I’ll make you do the dance six more times if you don’t get up.” Rey hops up at that and glares at Sella, who smacks her gum after popping the bubble she blew. She’s always been a bitch choreographer, but she’s the best for the style they’re emitting with the Delicate video. 

Ben watches her in silence, camera turned away from her to signify he’s not about to film her inevitable meltdown. Then Sella restarts the song, and Rey starts the exhausting steps again.

She gets to about the middle of the section when things start to  _ tilt  _ without her head tilting. That’s definitely not good and she tries to push through as best as she can. 

Though there’s only so long before her vision pops black and she’s plummeting to the floor with a flourish in her limbs. 

She doesn’t feel the impact.

Nor does she know how long she’s out, but snapping rings in her ears first, then small slaps her cheek. It’s like a half-slap, not meant to hurt but meant to bring back. She jolts upright, breathing hard and eyes wheeling around until they meet Ben’s worried ones. 

She asks, “What-“

“You kinda passed out, sweetheart. Sella went to go get Rose.” Rose typically sits at the coffee shop a few doors down from the studio when she’s not interested in watching Rey’s choreo. 

She says, “That must be a mistake.” 

He shakes his head, “Nope, I got it on video. You literally fell out of a turn or whatever.”

She sighs and lies back, hand on her stomach. Ben asks, “Okay, I need to ask you a couple of questions before I go full father mode and take you to the doctor.”

She nods, used to his low key nurturing but not this outward. “Meds?”

She nods, and he states, “And you ate both of your meals with me, including-“

Rey recalls, “A granola bar and an apple. Oh and an iced coffee.”

He nods and then says, “I haven’t been seeing you drinking water though. Not a lot these past few days anyways.”

She queries, “Maybe it’s dehydration? In that case, I have those electrolyte packs in my bag, I can keep going-“

Ben cuts her off, “I think we’re done for the day. There’s no use in pushing yourself that hard for art.” He holds out his hands as he gets up, and she grabs them and lets him yank her up and against his broad chest. He fills out a flannel well, a little too well given the buttons straining on his chest.

Rey burrows her face into his right pec, nuzzling close. “You don’t need to kill yourself for this job, honey. You really don’t.” 

She disagrees, since this job is the reason for her breathing, but she doesn’t say so. Sella and Rose burst into the room, and Rey looks back at their worried faces. Ben holds her protectively, and states, “She got up.”

Rose says, concern etched into her features, “Clearly, Rey what happened?” 

Rey shrugs, “I blacked out. It’s really not a big deal-“

Ben declares, “Anyways I think maybe dance rehearsals are over for the day.”

Sella shrugs, “Just going to have to put in extra work.”

Ben sets his jaw, like he’s holding back from saying something vulgar. He’s in full protective mode, that much is obvious. Rey touches his cheek, grabbing his attention. She then shakes her head and says, to Sella and Rose, “I’ll work hard tomorrow, I just need to get my water intake back to normal today. Should be easy.” 

Then she pulls away from Ben, scurrying her bag and secretly glad to get out of here. She’s filmed Sella doing the dance on her phone so if she feels better later, she can practice in the living room. If Ben will let her, that is. 

The way he’s watching her signifies that Rey’s not going to get through this day easily.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Now he understands how Rey must’ve felt when he fell out of the car. Watching the one you love plummet to the floor with no warning is terrifying, Ben almost threw his four thousand dollar camera set up to the side to catch her. 

He wasn’t fast enough, given she slammed against the floor like a sack of potatoes. Also he’s glad he did not throw the camera, given she popped up like a little bunny out of a hole.

He watches her the entire Uber ride, staying quiet as he can and holding her hand in the backseat as she drinks massive amounts of water.

So of course she nearly runs into the gate when they get home, shouting, “Gotta pee!” He walks beside Rose as Rey runs into the house, and he looks over at Rose. 

He asks, “Am I irrational for being worried?” 

“Perfectly rational. I am too. She’s stretched so thin.”

He nods, closing the door behind them and checking for both cats lingering in the foyer. “Wish I could do something, but I feel like I’m making it worse sometimes.” He supposes they can talk about it in couple’s therapy. They go after the filming of the Delicate video, and coordinating it with her schedule had been hell.

But he managed, and Rey has already diligently figured out the paperwork and also got her psychiatrist permission to release information just in case. Rose reassures, “You make her so happy, Ben. Seriously, I have never seen her this happy with a man after-”

Rose can’t even say the name and he realizes that Fett has damaged more than Rey in his addiction and abuse. What has Rose seen her friend go through? What did she go through herself?

“I’m on your side. I’ll always be on your guys’ side and rooting for you every step of the way. I promise that, as Rey’s friend and hopefully yours.” 

Rose is a friend to him, she’s very right about that. She’s been nothing but nice to him, never judgmental when he walks into the house like a lost puppy. He nods, unable to really say words since his throat is suddenly tight. Ben grew up without a lot of friends, so Rose laying down her sword for him is welcome and frankly necessary.

Rose walks away, and Rey walks back into the foyer. He shrugs her purse off his shoulder, his camera in his backpack, and hands it off to her. “Thanks.”

She pulls out a sachet of Liquid IV, a hydration supplement he got her hooked on while traveling to South Korea and she was worried about looking puffy. Ben nudges her towards the direction of the kitchen and she walks with all the cats following behind her like a little marching band. Benjamin keeps looking back at him though, not walking as fast, and Ben leans down to pick him up and step into the kitchen. 

Rey is filling up her empty water bottle with ice, empty sachet set off to the side. She then turns to the fridge, filling it up with water. Ben strokes his familiar in his grip, the white and brown kitten purring up a storm as Rey caps the pink water bottle and shakes up the powder and water to combine.

Then she flips open the straw lid and takes a long sip. “Not too much water too fast. Can make yourself sick.”

Rey nods and sets down the bottle, rubbing her belly and then letting out a tiny burp that has her covering her mouth. He snorts and says, “See?” 

She rolls her eyes at him and steps close, leaning down to look in Benjamin’s eyes before back up at him. “You two, along with Teedo, are my favorite boys.” Then she grabs her bottle again and walks past him. He follows behind, all the cats coming with them up the stairs.

Rey sets her purse on her vanity, then flops onto the bed while removing her spandex shorts. “I should really take a shower.” 

He nods, setting Benjamin on the bed. “Wash the day off. I need to do some editing anyway.” 

She says, “Can you send me the dance rehearsal videos? Without me passing out, of course.” 

Ben maintains stern, “No because we’re not self critiquing tonight. You can wait until I make a super cut and watch it tomorrow morning.” 

She pouts before taking off her sports bra and tossing it to the side. Then she sits up and gets off the bed, completely nude. He can see bruises forming on her elbows and knees, along with her shoulder blade where she fell. She’s lucky she didn’t dislocate it in the fall, going down hard. 

“You could also shower with me?” She looks back at him and Ben hums.

“Tempting. I need to edit though.” She pouts before nodding to herself, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door. He hears the shower kick on, and Ben gets out his laptop to start on Rey’s super cut, so he can schedule the email to send to her at seven in the morning. No sooner, no later. 

Her super cut edits quick, and he doesn’t even include the take of the dance where she passes out. He exports it right as the shower turns off. He knows she’s going to spend a lot of time getting ready for bed, Ben being privy to waiting around for her to do a face mask for fifteen minutes in Tokyo while he really wanted to run a train on her.

He schedules the email with the MP4, then cracking his knuckles and watching it one more time to make sure the edit is seamless before sending it off. Then he opens up the documentary, already having about thirty minutes of rough footage that he  _ knows  _ will go in.

Rey comes out of the bathroom as he slowly gets to editing, flitting around the room and into her closet. She comes out in a large tee that hits mid-thigh, a shirt he doesn’t recognize. She looks so sleepy, and he asks, “Who’s shirt is that?”

He doesn’t recognize it from her own closet. Rey stops, then looking very slowly down at her tee and then back up at him with wide and  _ fearful  _ eyes. Her limbs move like a shot and she’s ripping off the tee, beginning to hyperventilate and getting him to get up and question, “Rey? Honey?”

She’s struggling to rip it over her head, floundering as her head keeps ramming into the collar instead of the hole as she tries to get it off. “Honey? Hey, hey, hey-“

She finally rips it off and throws the shirt away from herself like it’s on fire. Ben quickly grabs her shoulders so she can’t run away, and she’s noticeably trembling and looking around like a caged animal. “Hey, come here. Look at me.” He snaps in front of her face to get her attention and it works, her eyes still blown wide and filled to the brim with tears. 

“Talk to me.” 

She stammers out, “Fett. It’s Fett’s, fuck it’s fucking Fett’s-“ 

She starts to sob and he pulls her tight to his chest while she cries and gets the panic out of her nervous system.

Ben feels his anger build, not at her but at the man who ruined her life and made her feel so scared and small. He hushes her as he holds her and she keeps whimpering, “His skin touched mine.”

“I know. It’s okay. He’ll never hurt you again. I promise he will never hurt you again.” 

He’ll make sure of it and he walks them over to the bed. Picking up Rey gently, her breath hitches and she slightly squirms. “I’ve got you, baby girl. No worries.”

She whispers, “Can I just go to sleep?”

He nods, “I think that’s a good idea. Can I get you anything?”

She asks, “A xanax?”

He nods, though he doesn’t want to, he understands that Rey can barely breathe right now, so a benzodiazepine fix is necessary for her body. Ben sets her down beneath the covers when he pulls them back, and drapes them back over before striding to her bathroom.

The orange pill bottles look so ominous in her medicine cabinet and he grabs the one he recognizes as the generic for Xanax. Depositing the pill in his hand, he goes back into the bedroom and hands it to Rey along with her water. Rey takes the pill quickly and sips more water, trying to control her breathing manually with her hand pressing and releasing off her chest. 

“I’m going to get something from downstairs. Is that alright?” He feels for his cellphone in his back pocket, and Rey nods, still struggling to breathe.

“I’ll be right back, I promise.” She won’t notice he’s gone, that much is obvious as she doesn’t even blink when he walks out of the room and takes the stairs two at a time. He’s dialing Fett’s number, saved under “ **Fett (Rey’s Ex)”** . He’ll change it to “ **abusive cunt”** soon. 

He makes it to the garage as the phone’s dial tone peters out and clicks. There’s the sound of a club on the other end and the dumbfuck asks, “Hello?”

“Yeah, this is Ben fucking Solo. I don’t know if you fucking remember me.”

Fett replies, “Of course I do. How are you taking care of the little psycho?”

He yells, “If anyone’s the psycho, it’s fucking you! You fucking broke her fucking nose, you fucked her when she didn’t want you to, you made her feel so fucking sad and small that I could literally fucking spit!”

He doesn’t give Fett an opportunity to tell lies, or try to explain himself. “If you  _ ever  _ get near her, if you ever even think about putting your fucking hands on Rey ever again, I will slice off your dick with a paring knife and feed it to wolves. I will rip out each of your teeth one by one and make you swallow them. I will make sure your face is so motherfucking unrecognizable when they pick your broken body up from the fucking road when I’m done with you. Don’t fuck with me.” 

Fett begins to laugh, “You think you’re so big and scary just because you get my sloppy fucking seconds. Give it the fuck up, stop caring about that little fucking freak, and get on the right side of history when it comes to Rey Kanata.” 

He feels sick, he knows that much but he’s too livid to puke or cry right now. “I’ll stick out my chances with the woman that loves me, thanks. Get fucked, Fett, and stay away from us.”

Then he hangs up the phone, sliding it back into his back pocket and trying to regain his footing while sighing deep. He knows he has to go back inside after exploding all over the driveway, and he gets started on heading back inside. He realizes he’s trembling as he walks, but could care less as he enters into the house and takes the stairs again.

He pulls his shirt over his head as he walks, rib bruising faded to yellow and nearly almost all gone. Reentering the bedroom, Rey is stroking Benjamin Button with a snotty nose. She looks at him, and then back at her cat before whimpering softly.

“I didn’t find what I was looking for, unfortunately.“

She nods and says, “Hopefully you find it soon.”

He knows he should tell her the truth that he’s talked to Fett before, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He knows it would break her, dash her across the floor to shatter like mirror glass.

He takes off his jeans, watching her settle into the pillows with sniffles. He wants to call his mom, to cry into the receiver like a bottle blonde about to get hacked in a horror flick. He wants to ask why someone would hurt Rey so badly, why all the good people are abused and used until they’re dry. Instead, he hops beneath the covers on his side of the bed and breathes in deep, feeling his ribs expand a little painfully still. He realizes he’s not breathing fully.

And also that they’re in bed at seven in the evening, fully ready to go to sleep. Ben scoots closer to her, “Can I hold you two?”

She asks, “Two?” 

He gestures to Benjamin curled up against her belly as she lies on her side. Rey nods, picking up the cat and holding him loosely while scooting close to him and burying her head in his bare chest. Then she nestles Benjamin between their bodies, still petting him as he goes back to snoozing. 

The moment is so peaceful, you almost wouldn’t think his heart is sinking fast enough to put the Titanic to shame.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Turns out, falling asleep at seven in the evening is conducive to waking up at the ass crack of dawn to puke her guts out.

Trauma does this to her, makes her so sick that she can barely function. She sits on the bathroom floor, knees pulled to her chest and staring at the door. Her stomach is still rolling, and she’s worried about drinking any water in fear that it’ll come up again.

There’s a knock on the door and she croaks, “Come in.” It could be only one person, and Ben walks into the bathroom. He sits cross legged right in front of her, reaching for her hands as she stares absolutely miserable at him. 

Then she states, “I should’ve pressed charges like my moms told me to. I should’ve put him in jail.”

Ben asks, “Why didn’t you?”

She struggles for words, “Because he...he told me that only he would love me. And I believe him. There’s no possible way someone can love someone as damaged as me.”

Ben shakes his head with a set jaw. “No. You know that I love you, you cannot deny that.” 

“It’s a mistake that you do. I should be pining after you.” 

He shakes his head again, “No use in pining when you know that you already have me under lock and key, Rey. You have since that Skype call.” Her heart quickens at the admission that Ben Solo has probably adored her upon first conversation, and not shallow adoration either. 

She replies, “I guess.” 

“You wanna know what I think you should do?” 

She nods and he replies, “Write music about how he hurt you, release it, donate the royalties to domestic and sexual violence charities. Rey you can make this better for other women. I know you can.” 

The idea is sound, she agrees. “I would have to talk to my management-“

“No you don’t. It’s your royalties. You can do it privately, you can do it publicly. You can do whatever you want, it’s just a suggestion.”

He’s got a point. Rey sits up against the wall and holds his hands tightly.

“I’ve got your back, Rey. I’ll always protect you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun, huh. i didn’t say this would be a good time all the time to be fair. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”illicit affairs” by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLV2SJKWk4M)
> 
> [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)
> 
> [liquid IV supplements](https://www.liquid-iv.com/)   
>  [”delicate” (the song)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pISXJ6ChdGI)


	20. is it chill that you're in my head? ('cause i know that it's delicate)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re coming with me right?” 
> 
> Ben bites his lip, “I-“
> 
> “It would make for good footage and also I want you to be my date.” 
> 
> **“You know I can’t be your actual date.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags   
> Ben and Luke don’t get along  
> reference to daddy kink (Ben calls Rey’s director a daddy its not what you think)  
> food consumption   
> reference to alcohol consumption  
> rey gets chilly :(

The  _ Delicate  _ video comes hard and fast, and the entire production is a cluster that Ben hates being on. At first.

Revan Rose is about twenty years older than him and thirty older than Rey. He’s fucking...hot, to boot. Ben’s never jealous, but the guy is a director like him and reeks “call me daddy” vibes like a piece of rotting meat.

Ben has gotten clearance, since they’re in New York, to use Hux and Mitaka as a crew to film backstage on the set under the condition they hand over any footage that doesn’t go in the documentary for behind the scenes content for her YouTube channel. 

He also had to hand over the super cuts of her rehearsals, which he doesn’t mind either. What he does mind is how Luke is still hovering over the wireless monitor Ben is carrying around to look at what Hux is capturing. Mitaka is playing the lovely role of AC, helping out Hux with lens changes while he hikes the camera on his shoulder and captures everything Ben asks him to.

Eventually Ben turns to Luke, glaring. “I don’t need you watching my fucking ass.” 

“Making sure my client looks good, Solo.”

He growls, “She looks good always.” Then he turns back to the monitor, watching Rey do a last rehearsal inside of their location, a long hallway full of extras, supposedly at a premiere or something of the sort. Four men dressed as security guards (Chewie is standing by of course, watching these guys like he could eat them for lunch) surround her as they go through each of the steps in absolute synchrony. 

Rey looks radiant in a blue floor length flapper-like dress, complete with fringe. He recognizes it as the quick change dress, but the intact version that doesn’t rip off. Her lashes are lush, lips pouty and painted crimson, hair pulled back into her signature three buns. 

Her heels click as she does the synchronized movements, focusing on herself instead of the cameras trained on her. Then she catches his eye, smiling to herself before touching her chest and sweeping a strand of hair from her face. 

Revan calls over a megaphone. “All right, I want you to do the walking part for me a couple of times! You guys seem pretty close to sync.” 

Rey nods with a smile and their camera starts to roll as Rey and the men walk and the extras mingle. There are multiple angles being grabbed at once, Revan Rose working a complicated multi camera set up for this video that makes Ben want to shit himself. Another reason to be jealous: Luke would never let him do this kind of shit with her video.

He doesn’t even know if he’s getting a video to direct even. She’s mentioned it but there wasn’t anything concrete: Ben has learned not to get his hopes up anymore.

Time passes quickly on the set as the song blares over the speakers and restarts every take. Ben eventually gives Hux a second to rest his shoulder, walking to craft services set up in another room of the location they’ve rented for the video. 

He grabs two waters, a bag or two of M&Ms, and a pretzel and hummus pack. It’s late at night so his body is hungry, trying to find fuel to keep him going and keep the caffeine from fucking consuming him whole.

When he enters back into the room, they’re in the middle of a take and he walks right up to her cast chair that he’s allowed to sit in if he would like. He tried to resist it but she insisted on it.

Rey nails the take, and Revan yells, “Cut! You got it, sunshine!”

Rey beams, Ben nearly crushes his hummus and glares at Revan’s head. Revan then says, “Everyone take ten, Bastila is here.”

Bastila? The name rings a bell, but he can’t place why.

Rey looks bouncy and immediately gives her heels to a wardrobe assistant and Rose comes rushing past him with slippers in tow.

Rey steps into them and smiles at Rose, then hugging her tight while they laugh about something. Revan walks past him and looks over Ben. “I like your shirt.”

Ben looks down at his shirt and it’s Millenia merch. Faded and from the glory days where his mother wasn’t pregnant with him and tied the fuck down. Ben swallows and says, “Thanks, I like your shoes. They look like-“

“Adidas? The Superstars. Your shoes are pretty spiffy too.” Ben’s wearing his Doc Martens, and he offers a sheepish smile.

“Thanks. I heard you mention a...Bastila?” He feels so dumb.

Revan smacks his gum and says, “My wife. She’s bringing me dinner and also meeting Rey. Huge fan of hers. I’m personally a big fan of yours, but I don’t know why you’re here.”

Ben is flattered and explains, “I’m filming a documentary on Rey and her album process. I assume you’ve seen like...the Snoke documentary?”

“I did a pretty deep dive, so that and a few other things that you foolishly put out for free.”

He snorts, “Vimeo is fine with me. I want people to be able to access my older, shittier stuff.” 

Revan laughs and says, “You call that shitty? I didn’t start directing and creating good shit until forty. You’re way ahead of me in a medium I’ll never understand.” 

Ben can only say, “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Revan then walks away and Rey steps up to the plate with a huge smile on her red lips. 

“Hey baby.” He wishes they could kiss, he wishes he could ruin more than just her lipstick. 

He responds with just a smile and offers out a water bottle. “I’m parched, thanks.” 

She uncaps it and begins to drink, being careful about smearing her lipstick. She watches him as she does, then capping the water again and asking, “So how are you doing?” 

“I could ask the same.” 

She shrugs, “I asked first though.”

Ben replies breezily, “Doing fine, excited to see the dance come to life.”

She nods, “I’m okay, my feet kind of hurt though.” Ben pouts.

Then she sips more water, and he asks, “Can I do anything?”

“Rub them later?”

He nods, “You know it. Maybe a bubble bath for your muscles? A massage tomorrow?” 

She smiles and replies, “Both sound lovely.”

Revan wanders over with a brunette and tall woman, who he realizes is wearing heels. “Both of you, this is my beautiful wife Bastila. Bastila, this is Rey and Ben.”

Bastila squeals at Rey, “Hello you! It’s so nice to meet you, our kids love you. We rock out to you when we’re driving to school.” They both hug and Rey looks starstruck, more than Bastila.

“I love your modeling work. You were a real...inspiration to a girl I knew.” That’s vague as hell, and Ben holds out his hand for Bastila to shake. 

“Ben Solo.” 

“I know you too. My husband’s little infatuation for a couple of nights. Your climate change documentary was very good. How old were you when you put that out?”

Ben answers, “Twenty three. Nearly blew my savings on it.” This was when he was cut off from the trust fund for going to film school instead of into a music management major. Of course, his mother realized her folly and restored his access when he turned twenty eight and started to prove himself. 

“Very impressive, right Revan?” The praise makes his cheeks heat and Revan nods.

“Very. The two of you are perfect models for the people who creatively work hard for your generation. It makes me excited to see the future.” Rey is also blushing, despite the rouge on her cheeks. 

Bastila then turns to her husband, “I’ve got to head out soon, the kids are with Anya. Can you show me around the set?”

Revan states, showing off the look of a man hopelessly in love with his wife, “I’d be honored. Rey, I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

She nods quickly and Revan walks away with Bastila, Ben looking over at Rey. Rey looks over. 

“Were you getting  _ those  _ vibes?”

He nods without hesitation, “Definitely.”

“Noted.” 

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Ben draws a bath for her when she gets home, and Rey can’t help but want to jump his bones for it.

The way he bends over the tub and tests the water flowing out of the tap with the back of his hand is strangely erotic. Rey’s bathroom has a view of Brooklyn, of the bridge in the distance and the sparkling skyline of Manhattan. She watches it, brain running a mile a minute trying to conjure a song like she used to be able to from long baths.

Ben edits in the room, and she whispers, “We were in the backseat, drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar. I rent a place on Cornelia Street, I say casually in the car.”

Then her brain continues a mile a minute, conjuring up words and feelings. “We were a fresh page on the desk filling in the blanks as we go, as if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead leading us home.”

Sitting up, “And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends, I'd never walk Cornelia Street again. That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend, I'd never walk Cornelia Street again. And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name. And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away, I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.” 

Pausing, she repeats the lyrics again and then whispers, “I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

She calls, “Ben!”

He yells from the other room, “Yeah?”

“Can you bring me my phone?” 

She hears him get up from the bed and a cat meows in what seems to be protest. She recognizes the noise as Benjamin and Ben comes into the room with her iPhone. Rey smiles, dries off her hands with a towel she set out on the floor by the clawfoot tub. Then she takes the phone and opens up her voice memos, beginning to softly sing into the microphone what she just wrote. Ben watches her with curiosity.

Then she sets the phone down on the floor and smiles at him. “New song?”

She nods, “Of course. Writing never stops.”

Ben nods, biting his lip and she asks, “What’s on your mind?”

“Are you too sore for sex?”

She shakes her head, “Definitely not. Do you want me out of the bath?” 

Ben hesitates and she reminds, “You don’t get what you want unless you say so, you know. I hope you know this at least-“

“Oh I know it. I’ll be waiting.”

She smiles, “I won’t make you wait for too long.” Then Ben leaves the bathroom and Rey adjusts herself in the tub. She’ll wait five more minutes before leaving the water, and she relishes those five minutes of course.

Once she gets out and drains the tub, and picks the rose petals from the bath bomb (Ben brought one from LA) out of the tub. Then she wraps up in a fluffy yellow towel and inhales deeply as she stares in the mirror. All her body makeup is gone so she can see the bruises on her knees and elbows, but she doesn’t really mind the appearance of them. 

She brushes through her damp hair after ruffling it with a towel for a long time. She doesn’t bother heading down the hall to her closet, knowing Ben wants her nude and ready. She hangs up the towel again and walks back into the bedroom to see Ben getting out of his jeans. His back is sculpted to the gods, carved from marble and making her heart quicken and quiver in her chest. She wants to bite into his right shoulder blade and leave her teeth in the flesh like a sick reminder of who she owns. 

Ben looks back at her and Rey reaches to instinctually cover her breasts in embarrassment and pure dumb insecurity. Ben loves her breasts, she knows this. He puts his hands on his hips as he surveys her.

Rey mouths, because it’s still hard to say, “I love you.”

Ben says, “I have a gift for you.” Then he walks to his backpack and Rey walks to the bed, sitting down on the edge and spreading her legs just a little. He gets the hint and walks between them, holding a square velvet box.

Rey looks at it owlishly and Ben cracks it open and displays what’s inside: a necklace with the letter B as a diamond charm. “If it’s too possessive, let me know but I would love to see my initials around your neck.”

Rey automatically turns her body around and lifts her hair, hearing Ben get the necklace out of the box and drape it over her neck to clasp. She turns around once he’s finished and touches it carefully, biting her lower lip. “I love it.”

“Do you?”

“Yes. Why wouldn't I?”

“I know how it can feel when someone is overly possessive of you. I never want to do that to you.”

She appreciates it after Fett, not ever wanting the necklace equivalent of an unwanted hip grab. Rey touches the charm and then bites her lip. “It feels...nice to have you around my neck. Like you’re always with me.” 

Ben smiles, then saying, “It looks really good on you.”

She gets up on her tiptoes to kiss him deeply. She’s so exhausted from the video shoot, knowing that it's literally eight in the morning right now behind the black out shades. He must be exhausted too, he has to be. 

They kiss anyway and Ben turns her and manually pushes her onto the bed. Normally she’d freak at a shove but he does it with a gentleness that doesn't have her slamming into the mattress. More falling into a soft cloud, landing on her back on top of the comforter while he climbs over her.

His lips trail up and down her neck, leaving soft and light kisses that have no chance to harm or bruise. Not when she’s due on camera in another ten hours from now. She tangles her hands in his hair, trying to rut against his front as he moves down her body. 

“Greedy.”

“For you.” 

Her phone begins to ring from the other room and Rey sighs heavily. Ben sits up, looking at the bathroom. “Should I go get it?”

She nods, “We can fuck after. I promise, it could be Luke or something-“ 

Ben snorts and gets up, walking to the other room and grabbing the phone. He rushes to hand it to Rey, who answers it quickly with a, “Hello?”

It’s Luke, a little out of breath, “Rey, I know you’ve only been sleeping for a few hours-“

“Actually I had to bathe. So I haven’t slept yet. What’s up?”

Luke sounds excited and she quickly realizes why when he says, “The Billboard Music Awards want you to perform your new single, before they’ve even heard it yet. They want your first live stage comeback. Also this means that you could be getting nominated for a woman of the decade award next weekend, it’s all you qualify for.”

Rey could faint, not just at the potential nomination. She gets a lot of awards show performance offers, but each one blows her mind every time. Ben stares at her in confusion and she realizes her face must look shocked or wide eyed. “That’s in-“

“Two weeks. We need to get started on planning immediately.” 

Rey inhales deeply and says, “Okay. Yes I’m in. I’ll get started on a concept, my brain is already working. Can we organize a meeting in LA on Monday? Full team, I’m talking hair and makeup, and also wardrobe, stage crew, everyone.” It’s Saturday now, one more day left on the Delicate video, and she’s already ready to move onto the next thing.

Then she confesses, “I wasn’t planning on going to the Billboards but...I guess if they want me then they can have me.”

Luke agrees, “I think it’s a good comeback. You Need to Calm Down is politically topical as well so you’ll be back with a bang.” 

She snorts, “Maybe it’ll help the president rush LGBT laws through the system. That’s cocky of me to say of course, but...anyway, Luke, I’ll talk to you later. Tell them yes, I’m in, we can get them on a call as well during the meeting.” 

“I like the way you think. Enjoy your sleep, I’ll see you at six.” 

Rey hangs up first and stares at Ben, who watches expectantly. Her mouth opens and she squeaks out, “I’m doing a performance at the Billboard music awards.” The You Need to Calm Down Video is due to release in a week and a half, sitting in the coloring process right now to make everything pop, which means the timing is almost perfect. There will still be hype around it. 

Ben smiles wide, “Nice-“

“You’re coming with me right?” 

Ben bites his lip, “I-“

“It would make for good footage and also I want you to be my date.” 

“You know I can’t be your actual date.” 

Rey bites her lip, and fuck she really does not want to do anything rash. So she just nods, biting down on her lip before replying, “You’re right. If you don’t find it necessary for the documentary then-“

He reaches out and ruffles her wet hair, then clicking his tongue. “I’ll come. Just giving you a hard time. We’ll figure out the schematics of our...PDA.” There’s bound to be constant cameras on her and him if they do attend together, and that bugs her beyond belief.

“But for now, while I can touch you all I want, let me give you some good celebration sex.” 

His cunning smile makes a smile stretch across her own face.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

It’s so cold.

Ben isn’t even under the rain machine, whirring away as Rey dances across the asphalt and stomps in puddles. She’s soaked through but still dancing for takes, shaking in between.

“Very good Rey! Keep going!” Revan has kicked up his encouragement, knowing his actress is shivering and hating herself and her ideas right now. Ben literally has Hux’s camera protected by a clear garbage bag and gaff tape, a film school hack he uses in high moisture conditions where he still wants quality.

Overall, the whole mood is miserable but determined. Rey makes eye contact a few times, and Ben finds himself asking  _ anyone  _ for a blanket. One sound blanket is handed over to him, and he knows it’ll work for his purposes.

Revan calls after a cut, as he’s coming back, “Rey go get under shelter while we fix this car for the splits take.” 

She nods, teeth chattering as she runs across the asphalt and straight towards him, avoiding all the other crew and such. Ben holds out the blanket and wraps it around her in a hug as she shivers and shakes in his arms.

People are staring, he could give less of a shit given she could probably die from exposure. “I got you.”

“I’m so cold.” 

“I can tell. It’s okay though, I’ll keep you warm right now.” Hux has the camera trained on them and he glares, Hux putting it down and giving him a look. He doesn’t blame him; he’s a sucker for romantic footage sometimes but not of him and Rey. They’re private as can be right now, not wanting to confirm anything to the vultures ready to pick their love’s bones clean.

Rey shivers and shakes still as he holds her tight underneath the director and cast tent lined in clear plastic to keep the rain machine from sending droplets on them. Revan steps up to them, looking Ben up and down before saying, “Cold?”

Ben nods, “Yeah.” He wants to ask him to give her more breaks, or write in a fucking coat. The last demand is impossible and wouldn’t help her. 

“Nice of you to keep her warm.” Then he taps his chin in thought, narrowing his eyes at them. 

Then he asks, “How long have you two been together?” 

They respond in near synchrony, “No comment.” 

Revan clicks his tongue like a shutter, then saying, “Very interesting. I wish you two the absolute best you know, and if you guys want to go on a double date with Bastila and I, we’re always free.” 

Ben nods, pleased with the outcome that instead of being ultimately jealous of Revan Rose, he’s friends with him. Ben decides to ask, “Actually, I need one favor. Can you connect me with a couple of script writers that specialize in sci-fi? I know you might not know a guy-“

Rey asks, “Why not a girl?”

He looks down at her and she’s staring up at him with furrowed eyebrows. Ben knows he should definitely focus on using his privilege to hire women and people of color for his narrative projects. “Actually...only female writers. She’s right.” 

Revan taps his chin, “I know of one but I’ll ask around my circles.” 

Rey remarks, “Would be even nicer if she was a woman of color. Maybe Jessika knows some women?” 

“I like the way you think, Rey. I’ll text her and ask her if anyone sticks out in her mind.” 

Ben then looks to Revan, “If you find anyone as well. I can leave my card with the assistant director so you can get in touch.” He’d reach back and do it right now but he’s busy holding Rey close to him.

Revan nods, “That would be great. You can get my contact info from Rey if you need it…hey! Too far on the car!” Ben looks at them moving the car for Rey to slide into the splits on, and Revan rushes away quickly as a gunshot.

Ben looks down at his girlfriend, who’s smiley at their interaction.

He’s here to please.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

They wrapped under the rain machine, and Rey was one hundred percent soaked to the bone at that point. 

Ben got her off the set as quickly as he could, already having packed up so much of his stuff and released Hux and Mitaka as fast as possible after filming the wrap. She couldn’t focus on anything but shivering away, dressed in a matching tie dye sweat suit set and wrapped up in a downy white Canada Goose that Rose brought from her house. 

They let them leave the set quickly, bidding quick farewells since they’ll see most of them the next day in LA. The car ride home is quiet, Ben holding her hand tight as she slowly stops shivering.

Rey runs inside when they get back to her place, taking the stairs to the house two at a time as Ben unloads. She knows he has to get up in only four hours to go return his equipment with Hux, then deciding to hop on an earlier flight to LA than her to meet with an editor. 

She makes it to her bedroom, all the cats collected on the bed. Benjamin is sleeping on top of Teedo, the two becoming thicker than thieves in the last few weeks. She sheds her coat, leaving her sweatsuit on. She knows she needs to pack for LA, for another two weeks in Hollywood. First, she walks to her nightstand where she left Ben’s necklace. It lies on the wood, and she stares at the B initial.

Something sparks and catches fire in her brain as she says aloud, “I want to wear his initial on a chain around my neck.”

Picking it up, she flips the charm over in her hand and whispers, “Not because he owns me, but because he really knows me.” Then she grips her phone in her sweatpants pocket and turns on the voice memos.

“Which is more than they can say, I recall late March, holdin' my breath. Slowly I said, ‘You don't need to save me but would you run away with me?’"

She paces the room as her brain works a mile a minute, “My baby's fit like a daydream walking with his head down, I'm the one he's walking to. So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to.” 

“My baby's fly like a jet stream high above the whole scene, loves me like I'm brand new. So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to. Call it what you want yeah, call it what you want...to.” 

Cutting off the voice memo, she just wrote the ending of a song in ten minutes flat, and without Ben knowing. She bites her lip, then hearing someone lumber up the stairs. It’s Ben, and he enters the room while she stands on her phone and watches out the window. 

“Thought you would be in bed.” 

She shrugs, “Not tired for some reason.” 

Ben nods and starts to shed his clothes, clearly ready to hop in bed. She watches him while wringing her hands. “I’m going to miss you.”

Ben looks back as he gets in her bed, and Rey pulls the blackout shades. “I’ll miss you too. It’s only for one night.” 

Then she meanders her way to bed in the dark, shedding her sweatsuit as she goes and crawls into bed right next him. She hears him adjusting himself on top of the sheets, and she curls close to him and wraps her arms around him. Her hair is still wet but she could care less, cuddling up. “I know it’s just one night but you’re my...best friend. I don’t want my best friend to leave.”

He holds her close and shushes her, “I’m not leaving. Just meeting an editor and getting some rest at home. I’ll see you the next day at the meeting.” 

Rey nods to herself in determination not to caterwaul like a baby. 

She’ll see Ben tomorrow. 

“I’ll be sure to give you a kiss before I go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that’s the final chapter for today! thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”delicate” by taylor swift](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tCXGJQYZ9JA)
> 
> [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)
> 
> [”delicate” video](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tCXGJQYZ9JA)


	21. but if i just showed up at your party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the day the single releases. Rey is doing the “drop the single and video and run” approach to her comeback tonight, and Ben can’t blame her given she basically comes out in it. She’s a nervous bunny today, knees fidgeting as they come back from a meeting with Luke and company. Ben holds her hand tight, camera around his neck. She then looks over at him. 
> 
> **“Will you come to my house party?”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> alcohol consumption   
> cursing   
> rey comes out of the closet to the public  
> smut  
> vibrators  
> kaydel has a girlfriend now

The week after is a whirlwind.

From meetings to rehearsals and costume fittings, Rey is in album, award, and single mode. It’s interesting to see her be so invested in her work, passing out in the car after late studio sessions he drives home from. Rey is recording song after song, ripping through pages and playing the guitar like a manic monster.

Not to mention her Billboards performance, the amount of practicing that seems to go into that blowing his mind. Rey is working so hard and at such a rapid speed that he’s just waiting for her to slow down a little. It’s wild, absolutely crazy some days .

The sex is bomb though, Ben fucking her in the backs of cars behind buildings underneath the stars. They threaten to steam up the windows ala Titanic every time they do, Rey bouncing on top of him while he kisses and pledges himself to her tits. 

He sleeps at home some nights, and then some nights he sleeps at hers. His domain is a rare occasion, which is fine with him. Ben likes having his own space, and it’s okay because Rey is so welcoming about sharing hers. 

He thinks it’s because she was abandoned, and he never wants to do that to her. Ben would rather drag himself through hell. 

It’s the day the single releases. Rey is doing the “drop the single and video and run” approach to her comeback tonight, and Ben can’t blame her given she basically comes out in it. She’s a nervous bunny today, knees fidgeting as they come back from a meeting with Luke and company. Ben holds her hand tight, camera around his neck. She then looks over at him. 

“Will you come to my house party?” 

He didn’t know she was having a house party, and she nods. “Just with the team. We’re all gonna hang out and watch the video, drink and stuff. You were apart of the team for that so I figured you should come. Starts in an hour and a half” 

He’s got a bag in the backseat of his rental car, his Tesla still in the shop. He wants his baby back, bad, but he knows patience is a virtue he should practice. She brushes hair out of her face, and Ben swallows, knowing that perhaps he wouldn’t be the most welcome to this event. He’s not used to hanging out with everyone in Rey’s orbit at once.

But he agrees, “Sure. I have a change of clothes in my rental car.” It’s parked at her place, and he figures that maybe he could take a nap beforehand so he’s tolerable. That would be nice, a nap with her even better. He knows that last one is a lofty goal, but maybe a little bit of prayer would serve him well once in a while. 

They arrive at her house, the palatial place with solar panels. Getting out of the car feels exhausting but he manages, slinging his backpack over his shoulders and minding the camera. Ben is careful with his equipment, babies it.

The gate is open in a flash thanks to Rey’s personal code, and the way she walks is like a model. Even looking like one in fresh white Adidas, a tight pair of tan leggings covers her frame. A tiny crop top that reads “Baby” on it is . It’s like a brand, he wants to bite his knuckles or put a ring on her finger.

He has to wait. Waiting is good, waiting illuminates. He opens up his car and grabs his spare overnight bag, complete with toothbrush and clothes. It's so he doesn’t have to walk of shame all the time, keeping his dignity in check. Though sometimes the safety of his Tesla would hide how much of a slob he was when leaving her place. 

Ben follows her inside of her house, and the cats come running. Rey squeals though and that’s when he notices all the balloons, pink and a light teal blue that reminds him of a tide pool by his mother’s home. “Rose!” Rose is hanging up rose gold letters in the living room, huge ones that he suspects will read “Congratulations”. 

“This place looks great!”

Rey hugs Rose tight and is smiling huge, making his heart melt. Ben leans down and picks up Benjamin Button. The cat is growing, but he suspects he’ll always be tiny in his eyes. He’s a wise cat, already able to jump and pop a door open with a flourish. He gives Teedo and Bebe a run for their money in how much he can play. Their dynamics are interesting to watch, a little secret society he’s not privy to.

He says to Rose, “It looks fantastic. Very pink.”

Rose gushes, “Thank you! Is it pretty enough to film?” Then she looks around self consciously, as if she hadn’t thought of that possibility. 

Ben compliments, “Pink looks beautiful on film. It might separate eras in the documentary. Also it’s Rey’s color.” Rey blushes beet red before turning around.

“I’m headed upstairs. Gotta change and get ready. When will Poe and Finn be here? Can they bring their kit?”

“Already asked! They’ll be here in thirty and Jannah is taking a nap in my room but laid out wardrobe options for you. I have to go set up the bar and pool, but Finn and Poe have the gate code. Kaydel is coming soon as well, she’s bringing her uh... _ friend _ , Jamillia.” The word “friend” is said with skepticism, and he does remember Kaydel mentioning she was dating someone in Japan. Rey had pressed, he tuned out. He follows behind Rey as she struts towards the stairs in the other room.

“Apparently Jamillia takes really good photos. Kaydel would love it if you used her for these images. Also everyone RSVP’d yes on coming! The guys will be up soon!” 

Rey calls back, “Thanks!” The walk to her room is punctuated by cats running by them up the stairs and sliding down the hall. She walks to her bedroom and Ben follows behind. They enter her bedroom and Rey looks at the rack of clothes. Ben shuts the door, drops his bags, and wanders to her as she starts to to thumb through the rack. He wraps his arms around her waist and she giggles.

“Hey.” 

“So I’ve calculated something.”

“Oh have you now? Never knew you to be a mathematician.” He watches her lift a dress up, a midi cut on her and purple and white tie dye, the straps being little ties that he’ll be tempted to untie all night.

Leaning down, he whispers close to the shell of her ear, “How long we have so I can get you off.”

Her breath hitches, and he continues, “Of course, we could make your makeup and hair team wait for us too. Right, sweetheart?” She exhales a pretty little sigh and Ben reaches underneath her crop top to let his hands engulf her breasts. He loves them so much, he can only show his appreciation like a frenzied cat seeing tuna. Her body is divine, a temple he wants to pray to.

“You deserve it. You deserve to come.” He wants to reaffirm that her pleasure, how she feels with him, is of the utmost importance. 

“How long.” 

He hums, “Give me a cute little vibrator and we’ll talk. I didn’t mean just  _ one _ orgasm, Rey. Many as we can manage until they come knocking.” 

She gasps and quietly whispers, “Oh. Uh...bottom drawer. No bondage please.”

The reminders are typical for their play sessions, especially whenever they incorporate something more than fingers and other anatomy. Ben is trying to be a talker, and they have their first therapy session in two days. Now would not be a good time to fuck up, so to speak. 

It’s the desperation to be better, to do more for her and wipe away the fog that clouds her good and beautiful mind, that’s keeping him going these days. Rey pads for the bed after pressing a kiss to his cheek, indulging him and letting him help her feel good. He jolts into action, nodding to himself before walking to the dresser, hearing the bed creak as she gets on it and slips against the sheets.

He rifles through, finding an insertable rabbit that catches his eye. He grabs the pink silicone toy, kicking the dresser drawer shut and turning around to survey her. She’s naked from the waist down, and he smiles in pure satisfaction. She bites her lower lip, and he crawls onto the mattress and between her legs where only the purest heaven could exist.

He clicks the vibrator on and she looks excited, filled with heady trepidation as he runs it along her lips. She stiffens, a stream of giggles leaving her lips, and he smiles as the slick wetness that comes off on the head of the toy.

He gently coaxes the rounded head inside of her, her lips parting as she stares at him with what he thinks is...appreciation? He hopes it is, because he doesn’t know what he would do if a girl like her decided she didn’t love him anymore. Her breath hitches as it vibrates inside of her, and he wiggles a little more inside. He feels a gentle stretch under his ministrations, rather than all at once.

“Do you like this?”

She nods, quick as she can and grasping for his thigh with a pretty bisexual themed glitter manicure she got done during the meeting they were at. It turns out Rey does a lot of beauty maintenance during meetings, short acrylics being something that seems to be essential. He knows she definitely did it for the party and performance coming up. 

She moans quietly and her hips roll towards him, pushing the toy deeper inside and getting her to hiccup a little. Her eyes screw shut, mouth parting. His other hand comes to rub her clit, thumb swirling around it and rubbing it back and forth with less intensity that one would use with a Nintendo joystick. That stirs up more moans and whines, and she gulps down as she turns her head to burrow into the pillow.

“That’s it. You like that, huh?”

She nods and he smiles to himself, hearing more moans muffled into the pillow. “I-I need to pick an outfit still.”

“That can wait huh? You know it can for me.” He nuzzles into her stomach, peering up the crop top at her breasts as he does. She whimpers, but accepts his touching and care.

“All of it can wait for me, lovely.”

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

She picks a heart printed midi dress, sheer in the bodice but not the cups and nearly gauzy in the skirt. It’s spaghetti straps, cutting into her shoulders.

She has another outfit to don, to solidify the coming out for what it is: the truth. Is she nervous to come out? Oh yeah, more than she expected.to be. She hasn’t seen the entire final cut yet, too nervous she’d chicken out and cause a reshoot. They just had to make their take work, no matter what.

She would be seeing the final cut tonight, the content approved by Luke already. He wouldn’t remove her coming out, he gave her his word with their trademark pinky swear and tight hug. Though he’s worried, concerned for her safety and also reputation at what being bisexual might mean. Rey could care less; this is her life, she guides the steer of the ship in the direction of her own compass and this is a chart they need to take. 

The photographs are fun at least. She’s letting Kaydel’s girlfriend, Jamillia take the photos with her DSLR and also her iPhone for all the social media, non professional stuff. Jamillia is a bubbly Pakistani girl with the most luscious black hair that hangs to her butt and a smile like a thousand diamonds. Rey realizes, with girls like her, she’s  _ very  _ gay sometimes. She can’t help but nervously giggle and bashfully smile as Jamillia complimented her dress heavily. Her cheeks were noticeably rosy, even more when they got the pink lighting fixed on her for a more soft look. 

She looks like a princess, soft and glamorous and exuding the exact sultryness she desires. She smiles to herself while viewing the pictures. Then she declares, “Can I get some with Ben?” 

He’s standing behind her and she turns to look up at him. He looks measured, composed as he stares at the iPhone in Jamillia’s hand. Rey tugs on him, pulling him in front of the camera and reverting to a prom-esque pose of him holding her waist from behind. His arms cage her, and the pictures are being taken rapidly. It’s to get it over with for him.

“Now…kiss.” Rey turns in his grip and yanks his head down, lips against hers before he can protest. Just because they’re not a couple to the public doesn’t mean they don’t deserve photos together, for the eventual coming out of their union if anything.

Kaydel excitedly claps her hands as Ben wipes his mouth, gazing down at her. He’s a fish out of water here, at the vane obligations being a popstar has. It’s obvious he’s nervous around her team, even though he worked with them on the video closely. He asks her, “Are you nervous?”

She nods, biting her still somehow glossy lower lip. 

He snorts, “Want a drink?”

She repeats her nod, smiling weakly. “Old fashioned, extra cherries please.” He knows where the liquor is, on a rose gold and quartz bar cart in her living room. It’s even in a special decanter, with a crystalline diamond shaped stopper with an “RK” engraved in it. She wants her own crest, ideally, a logo for her name that she can slap on anything like royalty. 

He walks away from her, and she takes a look at the photo to begin giving approval for posting. She vetoes not that many, Jamillia seemingly getting all her good angles and even making her bad ones look semi-decent to a quick glance-over. Rey is only allowing herself quick glances, knowing that if she peers at her person for too long, it has disastrous consequences. 

She settles on the huge creamy leather sectional couch, in front of her massive television. She sets the folded baby pink Hermès blanket next to her, in an effort to save Ben’s spot. She knows Rose or Jannah wouldn’t try to sit next to her on that side, but everyone else is probably unaware that she only wants her boyfriend near her right now. 

He comes back over, two old fashioneds in hand and setting hers down on a coaster on the acrylic coffee table. Her high heels, bright glitter blue, sink into the fluffy white shag of the rug. He plops down, their thighs touching. Her hand moves to rest on the inside of his, other hand picking up the alcohol and sipping away.

It’s got extra sugary maraschino cherry juice floating above the bourbon, her personal heaven in a cup. There’s even a lick of orange on the roof of her mouth, and she looks over at him as he smoothly sips as well.

“You also got pink champagne for after. So pace yourself.” His warning resonates, though getting properly sloshed could be fun. She just wants to have fun, to be free as she fucking can be in a cruel world like this. 

Rose announces, “So the video goes live in fifteen minutes.” She plops down on Rey’s other side. Benjamin Button announces himself as he enters the room, kitten paws sinking into the shag as he makes his way to jump up into Ben’s lap.

“My cat loves you more than me.”

Ben looks embarrassed and quickly recovers, “No he adores you, sleeps on your chest a lot-“

She smiles, to signify she’s not even upset. Benjamin looks so comfortable on top of Ben, and she’d be a monster to break that up. She leans over to kiss Ben’s cheek, gloss transferring on his cheekbone and glittering in the lowlight of the room.

This is her breakable heaven, she realizes. In a crowded room, but feeling as if it's just them. Is this real love?

She snuggles up to him, as much as she reasonably can while looking presentable. His arm rests on the back of the couch. He’s safety, a comfortable place to lay her head and tuck her fear into.

He talks to her, lowly, “You can literally delete social media if it becomes too much. Boundaries.”

She shakes her head, “Don’t wanna cut off access.”

“Why should they access you if they can’t support you?” That’s a fantastic point, and she sometimes hates when he has those. Maybe it’s the older and wiser element in him, a “I’ve walked around the block” type of man. 

Before she can reasonably retort, the doorbell rings. She nearly gets up before Rose launches up and scurries away to invite whoever it is inside. Rey looks up at Ben, and he’s petting the kitten in his lap. Teedo and Bebe pace around the room, upset about the takeover of floor cushions.

Jessika wanders into the room before Rose, smiling wide as can be. Rey does get up for that, quickly skipping to hug her tight. “Hey! Good to see you!”

Jessika smiles at her as she pulls away. “Yeah, I figured it was bare minimum.” Her sights then set on Ben, who has gotten up, and they quickly pound fists. The action is probably predetermined between awkward directors of this millennium. 

Jessika compliments, “You look adorable.” Ben doesn’t seem phased by the outward love the two women exude for one another. She’s glad, because Fett had always been threatened when she was friendly with anyone.

_ “What, do you want to fuck them and write a song about them?” _

Rey blushes deep and shakes her head of the bad thoughts, “I try, you know?” She smooths out the dress and looks to Ben for some sort of guidance on where to go next. He’d know, wouldn’t he?

He just sips his old fashioned, before reaching to touch her lower back. “I’m going to go pay attention to our son. He’s a little huffy.” Rey looks back at Benjamin Button, who is glaring at the two of them with the kitten equivalent of a pout. She nods, and Ben walks away and plops back onto the couch while lifting the cat to climb onto his chest.

The sight makes her heart quicken, quicker than the beat of butterfly wings readying for migration.

Rose announces, “Five minutes. Everyone get your drinks and get settled, huh? Pizza should be here twenty minutes after the video.” 

Rey can do this.

She knows she can.

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

The video is bright, colorful, and positively gay.

He didn’t know how it was possible, but Rey packed in so many LGBTQIA themes and motifs and people that the whole video should have a rainbow filter.

He’s heard the song a million times, the catchy and bouncy beat that makes his head rock. It’s when they get to the bridge that he gets off the couch, Rey not noticing since she’s clutching Rose hard enough that both sets of knuckles are popping white. 

He pulls out his phone, knowing he needs this particular shot for the documentary, or he’s a shit filmmaker and party goer. Her legs are rapidly shaking and bouncing as the clip comes closer and closer, closing in on them.

Then the overhead shot comes on, showing the pool. He presses record on his iPhone and then trains the camera on her as she goes white as a sheet, freezing up as she watches her past courageous, self fluff out the bisexual flag like a mother cat licking a kitten. Then the floatie moves her out of frame, flag dragging along behind her.

A pin drops, birds chirp on the clip, and credits begin to silently roll.

Rey is frozen, her hand over her mouth. Rose is trembling beside her, beginning to shake her shoulders in pure excitement. “You did-“

Rey shoots up to stand, then jumping in her heels as she shrieks, “I did it! I’m out!”

Rose repeats back, “You’re out!”

Rey does what looks to be a touchdown zone type dance, shaking her butt and giggling up a storm as she points at the television screen and bounces on her heels. “I did it! That’s my sexuality!”

Kaydel reaffirms, “It is, honey.”

Rey pumps her fists and screeches, then running for the sliding doors to the backyard’s deck. He walks quickly to get into sound range, to hear her scream into the night, “I’m fucking out, bitches! I’m bisexual!” Then she laughs maniacally, turning to him and beaming wide.

He smiles back, then stopping the recording. She takes that as a cue to run at him, into his arms for him to lift her up in a hug.

“I did it, Ben.”

He can’t help but smile as he replies, “You really did, huh.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys enjoy the chapters ive provided today! thank you so much for reading and commenting if you do. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”betty” by taylor swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/5kI4eCXXzyuIUXjQra0Cxi?si=t21CCKUTTA2YTppdDBR0Pg)
> 
> [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)
> 
> [heart dress](https://lirikamatoshi.com/collections/dresses/products/hearty-midi-dress)   
>  [her heels](https://www.giuseppezanotti.com/us/new-betty-i000022002)


	22. i'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They announce the nominees, and a camera trains on her as she bites her lower lip and stares at the stage with what she allows to be hope. Ben is sitting next to her, and she knows that as long as he’s by her side, she’ll be okay.
> 
> The announcer, Janis Jabba is an older rock artist with wild grey hair and a shorter stature. She’s gorgeous, the winner from last year. She opens up the envelope, and she swears her heart slows to a stop as her mouth opens and reads off the winner in a gravelly tone.
> 
> **“Our woman of the decade is...“**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> awards shows  
> outfit changes  
> anxiety  
> paparazzi   
> a live performance  
> bisexuality (literally shouldn’t have to tag this since an existence isn’t a trigger but hey 🤷♀️)  
> alcohol consumption

She’s nominated for Woman of the Decade the day after she came out.

Rey doesn’t know if those have any correlation, if they’re fetishizing her recent reveal or trying to get brownie points with the LGBTQIA community, but she appreciates the thought. Maybe she won’t win, given the other women she’s up against and deeply respects. She doesn’t want to take an award away from other deserving people, not when she’s been absent for a portion of the decade she’s a part of. 

She hasn’t been here for a decade yet, so how can she deserve an honor like this?

The day of the awards show rolls up quickly, rocking the boat in her psyche and leaving her an uncharacteristic nervous mess all day. She’s foggy, worried about missing notes or dance cues or running into a part of the huge built out set they designed like a gay playland. Rainbows, unicorns, all of her favorite things are shoved onto a minimal amount of square footage, along with at least twenty dancers.

She knows she’ll be fine. She’s not rusty with performing, she couldn’t be. Her belly is still upside down though as she packs her suitcase, getting ready to move to the tiny room at the awards show venue to get ready and then to the hotel she and Ben are staying at after. The hotel is the venue for the after party, and Ben is smart and knows she won’t want to drive the thirty minutes home, getting them a room under his name. 

The room at the awards show is to keep her on time, and also make sure she doesn’t back out at the last minute and try to stay home. Jannah has her garment bags, all seven of them. Rey likes options when performing, not knowing how bloated she’ll be or how she’ll feel the day of. All the outfits are excellent, including the gown that Rey finally chose at 3:26 this morning. It’s a pink and blue floral embroidered masterpiece with long sleeves, illusion neckline, velvet pink ribbon belt, and a slit up the leg for sex appeal. It also shows off her Louboutin Spikaqueen heels perfectly, the shiny iridescent buttons on the toe ripe to catch people’s attention.

Ben walks back into the room, in his natural position of holding Benjamin Button close to his chest. He watches her continue to pack, and she focuses on making sure she’s packed her meds in her purse. “It’ll all be fine.”

His reassurance is to be expected and Rey shrugs. “We’ll see. They could literally hate it.”

“People love the song, Rey.” She wouldn’t know that, given she’s been on a much needed social media cleanse since coming out. It took one nasty ‘she’s doing it for attention’ comment to get her to delete her Twitter and Instagram apps, tears in her eyes and feeling like a little bit of a joke. What’s the point of revealing a facet of yourself if people will judge the shit out of you for being open? 

She wants to be an example, someone to look up to for her fans. Not some attention seeker they need to fight people on social media for. She just shrugs in response to him, throwing in a bandeau and high waisted lingerie set for good measure. His eyebrows raise and she justifies, “Pajamas.”

“Some pajamas for my benefit.”

She retorts, breezily as she walks by him to her jewelry rack, “Who said I was doing it for you?” Plucking the initial necklace he got her off the arm, she holds it out to him. He takes it after he sets down Benjamin Button on the bed, and she turns her back to him as he clasps the initial around her neck gracefully. You’d think he’d fumble with such big fingers, but that’s not the case as he gently caresses her neck while pulling away.

“You’re going to be fine.” 

She sighs before whispering, “God I hope so.” 

He reminds, “I’ll be with you as much as I can.”

She bites her lower lip, chapstick smearing on the underside of her teeth and tasting of vanilla cake. He reaches out and strokes through her hair, half up and half down. “And honestly, you need to practice for the tour. You said it yourself.”

She nods in reluctant agreement, hating herself for being so diplomatic and smart.

Rose calls from downstairs, “Rey, almost ready?”

She doesn’t hesitate to call back, “Nearly! Be right there!”

He’s still stroking through her hair, offering a toothy smile she’s wanted to capture in a bottle and keep close to her heart.

The initial around her neck will suffice for now.

-🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈-

Watching Rey get glam is a process, especially for this event. She’s munching on a poke bowl while getting her eye makeup done, eyes shut and tranquil  _ rain  _ sounds playing in the packed room. It seems like the core team is here, sans Luke. Her mothers are on the way, stuck in traffic and causing a minor acceleration in her breathing until he settled a hand between her shoulder blades.

Time ticks down, slowly and carefully as his Rey goes through the motions of being the public’s ideal Rey Kanata. Everything from hair to lipgloss, she’s being put together like a tiny Barbie doll. Jannah is hard at work laying out outfits to approve for her to take the stage in. They’re ridiculously cute, mostly glittery bodysuits with shorts attached to frame her thighs. He particularly adores the silver with pink reflects, blue satin-looking shorts sewn on. 

He can’t help but stroke his hand along the front of it, feeling the raised nature of the sequins. Rey steps up next to him, viewing her options. She points to the one he likes and simply goes, “That one for stage please.”

Then she asks, “Where’s my outfit for when I get off stage?”

Jannah beams and unzips a garment bag, pulling out a fuchsia two piece. The skirt is long and gauzy, matching puff balls dotted along the fabric. The train is long, and the top is strapless. Rey looks satisfied with the outrageous, attention grabbing outfit and Ben is glad he’s just going in a plain black suit. He doesn’t want to take away from her.

Jannah snaps, “Oh Ben, I have something for you!”

He looks over to Jannah as she rushes to her purse, and starts rifling through it. Rey is feeling each individual puff ball, and Jannah comes back over with something behind her back.

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

He obliges, because arguing with women isn’t his forte. There’s a couple of seconds before something is set in his hands, and his eyes pop open to stare at the strange pink velvet strip of fabric with two borders of leather at the ends. “Rey requested I make you a camera strap that matches her first outfit. Couple cohesiveness, you know?’ Jannah’s eyebrows waggle and Rey peers at the velvet camera strap.

He inspects it more, seeing how it attaches and seeing that Jannah did her homework and added in perfect clips for his DSLR he’ll be bringing. All he can say is, “Wow. Thanks.” He turns around and walks to his camera bag, and the door to the green room opens to reveal Maz and Ahsoka. They look a tad frazzled, but Rey squeals when she sees them and runs over to collect her mothers in a group hug.

“You guys have your attire right?’ 

Maz nods, “Wouldn’t forget it. Chewie is bringing it in.” 

Rey sighs in relief and Ben manages to clip on the camera strap with ease, tugging on it to make sure it’ll hold weight. It works perfect, and he stows the tech back in his bag. Ahsoka asks, “What are you wearing?”

Rey is bouncy as she speaks, walking back over to the garment bags, “Wanna see?”

She unzips it to reveal the gown, looking Parisian and softer. It resembles a dress you’d run through a meadow in, and it's clear that Rey is going for a more soft approach for tonight’s entrance. Ahsoka beams when she sees it, Maz seems to not understand the utmost importance of fashion but supports her daughter’s whims anyway.

Rose loudly announces, “We’ve got thirty before carpet, let’s get suited and booted gals and guys.” 

Rey looks to her mothers, like a scared little girl looking for reassurance. “We’ll be with you as much as we can.” 

It echoes his own reassurances, and it suffices the same as Rey nods to herself. Then she says, “Alright, I’m changing! Avert your eyes!”

Jannah lifts the gown and Rey starts getting out of the navy blue sweatsuit she’s in. Ben takes this as his cue to take his own garment bag, a contrasting black to her white, and look around for a way not to scandalize everyone in the room. Poe and Finn are eyeing him, almost goading him to shed his clothes and show off what he works so hard for. But also her mothers are right near them, and he’s not looking to be  _ that guy _ around them. 

He can be cocky later, so he awkwardly walks to the door to go to the bathroom down the hall as Rey’s gown gets lifted over her head. He leaves the room quietly, carrying the bag over his shoulder and finding a gender neutral bathroom to duck in.

Ben has gotten himself in plenty of suits, and this one is perfectly tailored as of yesterday. It’s a quick process, tucking things in and also shrugging on the blazer and testing to make sure he doesn’t rip the back if he stretches too far. It’s a good suit, and he ties a Windsor knot for his tie. His cufflinks are in her purse, and he’s trying very hard not to think about the fact that he’s about to walk onto a carpet by her side.

His PR team is going to end his fucking life tomorrow morning, or promptly five minutes after the photos come out.

He could care less, and he stuffs his old clothes in his garment bag. Leaving the bathroom, he walks back to their green room and opens the door enough to wedge his body through and not reveal Rey, in case she’s in the buff. They’re adjusting the skirt, and he walks and grabs his camera to sling it around his neck. 

“Permission to get my cufflinks from your purse?” 

She nods nervously, chewing on her nude pink acrylic nail on her pinky as she does. He presses a kiss to the top of her head before going and rifling through the Fendi bag. He plucks the box out, cracking it open to see the black detailed camera cufflinks he bought himself when he got the cash for the Snoke documentary. He deserved as much, given Snoke was a nightmare to work with.

Compared to Rey especially. He puts them on carefully, then pushing his hair back and looking at her as Rose holds her bicep as she steps into her heels. They lock eyes, and he tries his best at a warm smile. He never feels good at them.

She shoots a half-one back, and he knows in that moment that she’s not going to feel better until the performance is over.

-🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈-

Gowns are cumbersome, that much is true.

Rose keeps fluffing it as they wait in line for their turn on the carpet, Ben chewing gum beside her to make his breath cinnamon fresh for mingling. She’s being fed sour patch kids every so often, and thank god her dress has pockets to stow her phone and gloss. 

How can Ben look so unbothered and stoic at the fact that they’re feeding themselves to wolves for the sake of art? Especially with his recently healed facial scar cutting down his eye, she’s worried what the public will say about the injury she gave him..

How is Rey supposed to be perceived by people today? She hasn’t been around this many people in so long, including her musical peers who she’s unsure if they even like her anymore. What if she is truly washed up?

They’re next to walk the carpet, and she looks to Ben once more. He’s looking at her, eyes softer than she thought possible. He mouths, in case there are hot microphones near, “You look gorgeous. I love you.”

She mouths back, “I love you too.” Then they’re ushered forward into the flashbulbs, and Rey doesn’t know when she reaches for his hand and grabs it tight. He doesn’t let her go, thumb brushing along her knuckles as the paparazzi and reporters scream their names and try to give directions to two of the most stubborn people in this building. Ben just outwardly chuckles when a photographer tells him to look to the right, looking left instead and getting the man to yell a, “Come the fuck on man!”

Rey keeps her face as cute as she can, and she’s holding Ben so tight while she switches up her angles every so often. Eventually his hand drops from hers, and her head whips over. He leans down, kissing her cheek in a near platonic manner given Rey had his cock down her throat last night, then whispering in her ear, “Vultures want individuals of you. I’ll be right off there.”

She nods, and he takes his leave with one last wave, lumbering off the carpet while she stays in place and does as she’s told. The flashbulbs are blinding and rapid, and she makes sure she’s hitting all her traditional red carpet poses. She takes her leave when she wants to, picking up her skirt and walking off the carpet with one last kiss blown in their direction, knowing full well she should not give any interviews when her publicist isn’t here. Holdo is dealing with an emergency with her Basset Hound, Lumas and Rey isn’t an uncompassionate asshole. She just will decline any interviews before her performance, and she already has her speech thought out if she wins.

Ben is waiting for her with Rose, filming her walk up. She’s a bundle of anxiety, and she knows she really needs to loosen up and try to have fun. He cuts the camera when he sees her hands start to wring, just wanting to go inside. “Hey you did great. You look really beautiful right now.”

That makes her face go hot, and she’d love to just make out with him in the bathroom for a little while. Unfortunately no such thing can happen, and Rose gets them inside so quickly. Jannah, Finn, and Poe are in the audience as well, just further up. Rey is right up front, feeling ultimately exposed. 

She knows it's so the stage handlers can come collect her group for her performance. That’s so soon, only an hour after the show starts. She sits next to Ben and tries very hard not to hold his hand, feeling as if she's suffocating in tulle. 

Ben eventually leans over and says as quiet as he can over the din of the theater, “Who do you know in here?” Everyone is out of their seats and mingling with each other, and she sighs. She knows a lot of them, obviously. But what if they’re friends with Fett, or they hate her? There’s no way she can talk to them. She loves her dancers tonight more than these people, Ben and Rose and her moms as well. She just wants to be happy as she can.

“I don’t...feel like talking to these people.” She sighs to herself, playing with her nails and wishing she could rip them off. She’s so nervous, so exposed. 

“You do love me right?”

She takes a peek at him and he looks a little incredulous. “Oh yeah. I really love you. More than I should.” 

“Good. Because I don’t want to lose you, ever. You’ve gotten under my skin to stay. I just wish we could be public.” 

He shrugs, “Me too. But also being private, toeing the line, having you as my little secret-“

He growls low, vibrating through her and making her want to grab him. “I like that too. You’re very committed to me. Contractually bound so to speak, and you don’t...seem to mind.”

She confesses with a whisper close to his ear, “I...want you to be publicly mine. But also I see the appeal in being private. Also I don’t mind being bound to you, it’s safe. You’re safe.”

Fett didn’t want to be private. Fett called paparazzi while they were on a yacht in the Bahamas. Maybe she could take a walk on the wild side and embrace privacy, ultimate secrecy until the documentary drops. 

She loves him too much to keep him hidden forever. 

“I’ll be safe for you. I swear.”

-🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈-

Their group is pulled after forty five minutes of boring award show. 

Thank god, because pretending to care about the people on stage while a camera crew occasionally focuses on their unimpressed faces is so exhausting. The cameras are the only thing preventing his hand from entwining with her manicured nails. He hates the fucking cameras, they remind him of the accident, and he hates this entire platonic fucking charade they have to present until the documentary drops.

But they get behind stage, and she reaches for his hand as she glides towards a golf cart. “I need to get changed but also I need you with me. Okay?”

He nods, and holds her hand, allowing himself to be tugged to the vehicle and helping her in the front seat before hopping on the back. They barrel through the wide halls to her dressing room. She’s expected to be ready in under fifteen minutes and Ben knows that’s unreasonable for someone like Rey. But it’s like skydiving (something he did for shits and giggles with Hux in on the Snoke documentary), so immediate once the golf cart screeches to a halt in front of a door.

Jannah is ripping it open and Rey is scrambling out in her high heels, nearly tripping and falling in a heap of tulle. He runs and catches her. Rey curses, “Fuck.”

He snorts, “You’re all good. I’ll walk you in.” He takes his job very seriously, and she manages a laugh as he guides her in and sets her loose on Jannah. Getting her out of the dress is a whirlwind to watch, and her heels are thrown in his direction. He takes that as his cue to throw them in a shoe bag, watching Rey adjust the tight shapewear that sat underneath her ballgown, seemingly an essential for most women in the very public entertainment industry.

She looks exhausted already, but they manage to get her into the tight romper-like outfit. The sequins shimmer even in the low lighting of the room, and she’s adjusting her breasts in the Wonder Woman type cups.

She frantically says, “I need more tape.”

Jannah rushes over, a strip hanging off each of the five fingers of her left hand. They start taping her tits in place while Poe fixes her signature three buns, Finn picking out a new lipstick color while Rey carefully wipes off the old one.

They finish up with her look with three minutes to spare, until Rey sheepishly whimpers, “I want my hair down.”

Poe sighs heavily, “Why didn’t you say so, pumpkin? You’re lucky your natural hair is cute.”

He takes her buns down quickly and ruffles her hair, and Rey wipes her palms on her front. Rose compliments, “You look insanely good.”

Rey bites her lip and looks at him. He offers her what he thinks is a reassuring smile, seeing it make no difference. Rose announces, “Roll out.” 

Rose, Rey, and he exit the dressing room to get back on the golf cart. Her sparkly knee high boots click across the polished concrete, and she gets in more effortlessly than when she was in the ball gown. He manages to film her from behind while she gets in, hopping on the back of the cart before they’re whisked off.

They’re taken as far as they can go, and Rey is quickly rushed off the cart and to the backstage area so they can brief her and give her the opportunity of a huddle with her dancers. He nearly runs after the stagehands, camera trained on them as she’s taken over to the large group of dancers already formed in a huddle. He gets on the fridges, training his camera on her as she rubs her manicured hands together. 

She starts her speech and he hits record, “So, this is the first performance of the Still Learning era, and I am so fucking excited to have so many talented and fun people with me for this monumental moment.”

She then glances to Ben, “This song means a ton to me, so having so many of you support me in this moment feels so good compared to the last two years I’ve had. I’m looking forward to performing with all of you, and making the world a little more gay.” That rouses a laugh from the group.

She then bites her lip, “I seem to have gotten worse with words in my absence, so let’s make this the best performance we can, yeah?” 

They all put their hands in the middle, stacking on top of each other. Rey nods at him, and he manages to thrust his hand in as well. They bounce them on a count of three, before throwing them in the air with a, “You Need To Calm Down!”

Then they break, being whisked off to positions or running to them themselves. Ben is tapped on the back, and he stops recording to look behind him at Rose. “They have a monitor over here with a better vantage to see her, if you want.”

He supposes he does need to see what footage he’s going to get the rights to, automatically negotiated into the performance. He follows behind Rose and they all crowd around the monitor with the stage manager. There’s a countdown going, reading less than a minute, and he’s watching Rey get set on stage. She’s fooling around with two people he recognizes from her video, and he’s glad she has only her friends on stage. It’s to alleviate the people who may hate her.

She lies back in a chaise lounge, a microphone being set on the faux turf beneath the three loungers. She has a bi-fold sun mirror on her thighs, and she’s playing with her hair as the count ticks down from twenty. The entire stage set up is positively gay, giant neon rainbows behind her, a table set up for a tea party like the video, and pink glitter risers. Mountains on a pink sky project behind her as well, and it’s so gorgeous and idyllic that he wants to sigh in pleasure.

Ten seconds are left, and she’s doing her deep breathing from what he can see, and time ticks away until one, and the backing track begins quietly while the pandemonium lights up behind the stage as they get cameras on and trained for the wind-down of the commercial break.

Then an overhead shot of the love of his life comes on screen, and she’s live on national television for the first time in a long time. She lowers the sunshade with her two friends as the backing track peters out, and she looks side to side to them before smiling wide to the camera.

And then the song begins with an extended synth chord.

_ You are somebody that I don't know _

_ But you're taking shots at me like it's Patrón _

_ And I'm just like, damn, it's 7 AM _

_ Say it in the street, that's a knock-out _

_ But you say it in a Tweet, that's a cop-out _

_ And I'm just like, "Hey, are you okay?"  _

She’s bubbly and bright, hitting every dance mark as the dancers swirl around her and generally have fun. She’s fucking radiant when performing, and he notes her in ears having a bisexual flag printed on them. The song slows down for the lead up to the chorus, Rey strutting around and eventually hitting her mark to be lifted on top of the tea table..

_ And I ain't tryna mess with your self-expression _

_ But I've learned a lesson that stressing and obsessing about somebody else is no fun _

**_And snakes and stones never broke my bones_ **

The crowd screams the line with her as she practically jumps on the table, then also vocalizing with the ‘oh-ohs’ that have her shaking her ass like a cat ready to pounce. She does her dance moves on the table when the chorus arrives.

_ You need to calm down, you're being too loud _

_ And I'm just like oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh (oh) _

_ You need to just stop _

_ Like can you just not step on my gown? _

_ You need to calm down _

She’s beaming as she hops down from the table for the second verse.

_ You are somebody that we don't know _

_ But you're comin' at my friends like a missile _

_ Why are you mad? _

_ When you could be GLAAD? (You could be GLAAD) _

_ Sunshine on the street at the parade _

_ But you would rather be in the dark age _

_ Just makin' that sign must've taken all night _

A highlight is her ripping a faux hateful sign from a dancer and throwing it on the stage, incorporating a stomp dance move, making sure to grind her foot into it as they build up to the chorus once more.

_ You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace _

_ And control your urges to scream about all the people you hate _

**_Because shade never made anybody less gay_ **

She shimmies on the last line, getting the crowd to go crazy as she launches into the chorus once more. He and Rose are moving their bodies with the beat, and he doesn’t even notice Rose clutching onto his arm with all of her might.

Rey sings the bridge while strutting down the catwalk of the stage, little hearts popping up under her steps on top of the pond-like projection onto the stage.

_ And we see you over there on the internet _

_ Comparing all the girls who are killing it _

_ But we figured you out _

_ We all know now, we all got crowns _

_ You need to calm down _

She smiles, letting the last chorus build up once more before singing it with all her might, turning around and running back to her stage.

_ You need to calm down (you need to calm down) _

_ You're being too loud (you're being too loud) _

_ And I'm just like oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh (oh) _

_ You need to just stop (can you stop?) _

_ Like can you just not step on our gowns? _

**_You need to calm down_ **

Rey ends by pulling a bisexual flag out of a dancer’s pocket, wrapping herself in it and looking ever so cute as the crowd erupts into cheers and screams. She’s blushing crimson, and the camera goes black for another commercial break and for everything to get cleaned up as quick as possible.

Rose lets go of Ben and bolts to where Rey will be coming off of, and Ben has to follow. He presses the record button just as Rey comes off stage with her flag and microphone to cheers. Rose collects her into a hug quickly, and he can tell she’s dripping in sweat and exhausted.

Rose manages to let her go, and Rey’s sights set on him. He smiles at her, and she smiles back, getting a beautiful shot of her. Then he cuts off the recording, opens his arms, and lets her run into them so he can hold her tight.

He never wants to let her go.

-🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈-

Rey knew that the performance wasn’t the end of her night, and she knew that she’d be exhausted and grumpy at the fact that she has to wedge her body into a two-piece crop top and skirt with a huge train that she’ll have to walk with until the after-party.

Ben watches her while biting his lower lip, seemingly perplexed by the amount of outfit changes she could go through in a given period of hours. Jannah fluffs out her train, not even struggling with her own mid-tone green spaghetti strap ball gown. Her hair is braided in the way Rey adores on her, and Rey then looks at Ben again.

“I hope you know I’m staying only twenty minutes at this after party.”

Ben snorts, “I was going to expect thirty. I’m definitely fine with twenty.” She knows he doesn’t want to posture as super platonic all night, and Rey frankly can’t keep straight who knows and who doesn’t. Jannah does last checks on her dress, and Poe has put her hair back into her signature three buns at her request. Finn slathers on more strawberry lipstick and she slips on the last pieces of jewelry that Jannah has given her.

She asks, idly, “Where’s my B necklace?”

Jannah holds it up, “I figured you would want to keep it hidden-“

Rey makes grabby hands, and Ben steps up next to her and holds his hand out for the necklace. Jannah hands it to him, and he gets behind her after moving her skirt out of the way. He latches the necklace around her neck, then kissing the side of her throat and letting his hands coast along her front before stepping away. She would love to have sex with him immediately but that’s not in the cards as Rose opens the door to the green room. 

“Carts are here. Let’s roll.” 

She nods, and she grabs Ben’s hand before he can walk away. Her heels aren’t even that high, she’s just nervous about the train. Ben looks over, looking from side to side before leaning down and reaching behind her ass to pick her up in a bridal carry. That isn’t exactly what she needed, but she appreciates it as Jannah grabs the train and walks with them to the cart. Ben doesn’t sit her down, he instead drapes her on his lap on the back of the cart and she stares up at him.

“Way to keep it lowkey.”

He retorts, “You’re wearing my initial for the world to see.”

The golf cart begins to move and she gets comfy with him, cuddling up against his chest even though she knows the ride is short. “Was my performance good?”

She’s self-conscious, rightfully so. He reassures her, “Brought the entire fucking place down.”

She smiles to herself, before the golf cart screeches to a halt. He shifts her off of him, and he gets up, helping her out of the cart and carrying her train as they re-enter the theater ever so quietly during a commercial break. They’re put back in the same front row seats, and Rey tries to keep a smile on at all times so no one will speculate her emotions about other people.

Ben sits beside her, looking refined as he plays with his fingers and watches the proceedings of the award show. They don’t whisper, feeling a magnifying glass on them as the time ticks down to the Woman of the Decade award.

She doesn’t really expect the award to go in her favor. Why would it, given she’s been gone for a solid amount of time? Also she doesn’t want her naysayers to have fuel to fuck with her, since some things are never good enough for them. 

They announce the nominees, and a camera trains on her as she bites her lower lip and stares at the stage with what she allows to be hope. Ben is sitting next to her, and she knows that as long as he’s by her side, she’ll be okay.

The announcer, Janis Jabba is an older rock artist with wild grey hair and a shorter stature. She’s gorgeous, the winner from last year. She opens up the envelope, and she swears her heart slows to a stop as her mouth opens and reads off the winner in a gravelly tone.

“Our woman of the decade is...Rey Kanata.”

She doesn’t move. She’s practically shell shocked as everyone stands around her, and Rose is screaming and tugging her to her feet as she stands shell-shocked. Then she peers down with blurry eyes at her skirt, picking it up and quickly looking over to Ben. He’s staring at her like she’s the only girl in the room, and she smiles only at him. Then she looks forward and practically runs towards the stage while her first big country song at age fifteen “Tim McGraw” plays overhead as she manages to get up the steps, the sheer skirt revealing her lithe and beautiful legs and killer iridescent high heels. Ben’s initial sits on her chest and she feels so safe as she clutches it for a moment before seeing her award.

She takes it, staring at it for a moment and picturing it on her shelf. Then she turns towards the podium and can’t help but say, “Oh wow.”

She looks at the bright lights, and wipes her eyes. “God I can’t even begin to say thank you. When I was really young, I always wanted to do something as cool as this. I’ve always wanted to be like...a role model I guess? And I just wanted to say thanks for welcoming me back tonight so nicely, and for liking me and my music even when I was gone for awhile. I wish I could reveal what I was doing that whole time, but honestly it’s mostly in my voice memos.”

That rouses a laugh and she manages to chuckle too while staring at that shiny glass award. “I don’t know if anyone really gets it, but I’m twenty three. This doesn’t happen to people like me, people don’t love people like me. So to have fans, to have people yelling that they adore me, it means so much.”

She bites her lower lip and hugs it tight to her chest while saying, “I’m excited to reveal more of me to you guys. I’m tired of locking myself away, and I just want to be open, you know?”

She feels her cheeks get hot and looks back at her award. “I..this is insane. I’m having a great week now. I’m excited to release my album soon. I’m excited for this documentary thing I’m doing. I’m just ready to be real.” 

She clears her throat then and smiles again, “Thank you, once again. And also, please remember to vote and also hold your LGTBQIA loved ones close always. Please love safely as well, thank you.” 

She blows a kiss, and the audience goes bananas. She’s led off stage by a handler, and she loves the sound of the applause on her damaged soul.

-🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈-

Ben manages to be there right when she gets off stage, filming her cradling her award while bounding up to him and grabbing his hand. “Please follow me.”

He nods, “Always. I’ll keep you safe.” 

That’s when a stagehand calls her name, “Rey Kanata, this way to the portraits!”

She nods and he keeps holding her hand as they’re led to a makeshift portrait studio for Billboard. She’s clutching her award tight, and she does as she’s told in the portrait area. Ben makes sure they’re looking okay, behind the camera like a looming asshole. She feels likes a princess in this skirt and crop top, and adores hugging her award tight to her chest and smiling big and bright.

She lets Ben lead her to the winner’s room, where she fills out where to send the actual award. She’s used to Rose doing this, and she figured this award would look fucking gorgeous in Brooklyn. She sends it there, and Ben stays close to her as she does it.

“You did it, huh.”

She looks over after she hands over the clipboard and award, glad she doesn’t have to hold it anymore. She grabs Ben’s hand again and he takes her to a couch to wait out until Rose and crew get here and they get back to their green room to pack up and head to an after party.

Ben knows she has one more outfit, and he’s so fucking excited for it. For now, he sits with her on the couch and holds her close to him while they set their gazes on the television playing the awards show. They watch and wait for quite awhile, until a door audibly opens and they hear a voice go, “Rey, Ben, let’s head out.”

They both get up, and Rey walks carefully as Ben follows behind her. They get on hopefully their last golf cart of the night, and she pulls Ben to wedge next to her so her head can lie on his shoulder. He holds her close as they begin to drive to their green room to pack up. 

They arrive quickly and Rey steps off with Ben’s help and is led into the room. It’s mostly clean, her suitcase packed up by Jannah, everything back in garment bags. Even the makeup and hair things are put away, Finn and Poe relaxing on the couch together and looking at their phones.

Rey changes out of her fuchsia two-piece into her last outfit of the night: a sheer dress with a bedazzled rainbow with rainbow detailing on her high Louboutins. It’s very gay looking, and she looks completely adorable in it as she smooths out her hips and plays with a few strands of hair.

Ben puts his camera away, knowing he’s not going to get any other footage for tonight. He’s perfectly fine with that, wanting time with her to bask in her win and also enjoy her company. He then slings the backpack over his back, and Rey is careful as she picks up her purse.

Rose says, “Car is outside, we have time to make a quick stop in rooms to drop off bags and stuff.”

He replies, “Sounds great.” He knows she’s not going to look forward to going to an after party, but it’s required for winners like her to brag about their accomplishments. He picks up her suitcase, and Rey blushes deep. 

He urges, “Go right ahead.” Rey follows behind Rose, teetering in high platform heels clicking along as they walk to exit the venue. A car is waiting, idle with the trunk open. Chewie is sitting by, and he can already see Ahsoka and Maz in the car. Another car is lingering in front of it, and Poe and Finn and Jannah are loading in all their gear. 

Chewbacca eyes him, a stoic man. He’s mute, always has been, and also plays like Ben’s unofficial uncle. Ben throws in the suitcase as Rey gets in the car in the second row of the Escalade. Rose triple checks they have everything and he gets in right beside Rey. Rose hops in the passenger seat, and they’re off after clicking on their seatbelts.

The drive is going to take around thirty five minutes from what he could see on the GPS, traffic being hell around this area tonight. They’re staying at a swanky hotel, the Kimpton Everly. The after party is being held at the same place, and he figures Rey would much rather just take an elevator ride up to their room when she’s exhausted with mingling.

She watches out the window while he holds her hand, and he knows he’s going to have to do everything to keep her from collapsing in their room.

-🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈-

Socializing with others is rather exhausting.

They’ve been here for longer than she committed to, around an hour now, and Rey cannot seem to escape the line of musicians and other people coming up to speak to her or offer congratulations. It’s all so overwhelming to her if she’s honest. 

Ben drinks whiskey on the rocks, his classic drink, while she drinks the fruity cherry Kentucky mule that the bartender made special for her. She adores bourbon, and likes to match Ben’s liquor on occasion. She’s parked at a couch, and Rose left thirty minutes after the party began, post Rey giving her permission. Rey could handle herself, couldn’t she? Ben at least could, and he’s taking his job very seriously as he sits beside her with his hand on her knee.

She’s exhausted, and she conveys as much with a large yawn in a break between musical artists that come and accost her. Ben looks over at her, and she bites her lip while finishing the rest of her drink and smacking her lips. 

“What do you say to us going upstairs, huh?”

She glances to him and nods, hopping to her feet quickly to indicate she’s ready to depart and go to bed. “Promise me that you’ll let me sleep in tomorrow?”

He holds out his pinky as he rises, sucking down the rest of the whiskey and spitting the ice cubes. He sets the glass on the coffee table in front of them for a waiter to pick up. She links pinkies with him, and he pulls her to tuck underneath his arm as he walks her out of the party.

Luckily no one seems to catch them leaving, and they make it all the way to the elevator in pure silence. Her feet ache badly, but she seldom cares given that she’s so close to the freedom of being herself in a hotel room. She sighs heavily while they step into the elevator, and he holds her even closer.

“You sound sad.”

“I just feel like an alien. Not a woman of the decade.”

He kisses the top of her head after the elevator doors close, “You’re my woman of the decade.”

She blushes deep, clutching his blazer close and then burying her face into his chest while they climb floors. They arrive with a ding and he whisks her out and down the hall to their door. They visited earlier to put their stuff in the room, and Rey made the smart decision of putting out the lingerie that’s going to act like her pajamas. The high waisted panties and bandeau are a light lavender color that she’s convinced will make her eyes pop. Ben turns on the room light, and Rey starts the process of getting out of her dress.

He asks, as he’s removing his cufflinks, “I’m going to take a shower, okay?”

She nods, totally ready to just wipe all this paint off with a makeup wipe and moisturize in bed. She’s lazy as all hell after events like these, all prettied out and tired of popstar obligations. Ben disappears into the bathroom and she hears the shower turn on. She slides on her lingerie and takes out her hair, only to decide to throw it on top of her head like a beehive. 

She crawls under the covers after pulling the curtains to obscure the city view. She doesn’t do well with the morning sun interrupting her sleep. Rey wipes off all her makeup, seeing it come off in various colors on the previously stark white wipe. She still feels dirty though, so she unfortunately has to get up and walk into the bathroom where she set up her toiletries as well.

Ben is getting out of the shower when she enters, and she looks him up and down as he towels off. His body never fails to entice, and she refocuses on the task of washing all the residual grime the makeup wipe couldn’t banish. Ben steps up to the other vanity, starting to brush his teeth with a black electric toothbrush. She scrubs her face, then slathering on a face cream and messily patting in an eye cream. 

He leaves the bathroom before her, and she lingers a little to massage her jaw. It’s in a little pain from talking and smiling so much tonight. She turns off the bathroom light and wanders back into the hotel room to see Ben settled in bed, hair wrapped in a towel while he stares at his laptop.

“Will you cuddle me before I sleep?’

He nods, shutting the laptop and setting it aside. She assumes he’s going to pick it back up again when she’s out of commission. Rey gets into bed next to him, and lets him bunt up to her to spoon her while she slips on the eye mask she set on the side table earlier. She trusts Ben to put her phone on the charger before he heads to bed for the night, usually caring enough.

“You did really lovely, Rey.”

She sighs, “God I hope so.”

He holds her tight, then kissing the back of her head.

“You definitely did.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter for today! hope you enjoyed this monster. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”mirrorball” by taylor swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/554GSNfuQ6fsxF1yQtNbpk?si=4Wu29hoITbWC76MK2Tm49w)
> 
> [first gown](https://www.teutamatoshi.com/collections/all-products/products/jadore-blooms-gown)   
>  [spikaqueen pumps](http://us.christianlouboutin.com/us_en/shop/women/spikaqueen-748201.html)   
>  [performance Rey’s is loosely based on](https://youtu.be/eIRCskNRTDY)   
>  [dress she received her award in](https://lirikamatoshi.com/collections/dresses/products/fuschia-set)   
>  [heels paired with the fuchsia dress](https://www.net-a-porter.com/en-us/shop/product/christian-louboutin/pigalle-follies-85-iridescent-leather-pumps/1116482)   
>  [after party dress](https://lirikamatoshi.com/collections/dresses/products/better-days-mini-dress)   
>  [after party heels](https://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/p/christian-louboutin-arkendisc-alta-130-red-sole-sandals-prod154760265?ecid=BGCS__HighAUR&utm_source=google_shopping&adpos=&scid=scplpsku122421293&sc_intid=sku122421293&gclid=CjwKCAjw_Y_8BRBiEiwA5MCBJmQ1W6NVwDt4_mGeCHlTMMvwUhCEj7JA_VTGHDNJtMXlLs7OKviJVBoCaOAQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)   
>  [the kimpton everly](https://www.everlyhotelhollywood.com/?utm_source=Google%20My%20Business&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=GMB&utm_term=everly)   
>  [high waisted lingerie](https://www.journelle.com/products/cosabella-soire-confidence-high-waist-bikini-150245?color=3652)   
>  [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)


	23. i choose you (hold me tighter)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben scoots close to Rey, their thighs touching. Her hand settles on the muscle, and his lips drift close to her ear as his eyes go heavy.
> 
> **“Please be my wife.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> they go to a club  
> K-Pop   
> South Korea  
> they also go to couple’s therapy   
> abusive relationship talk (not reylo, rey/fett)  
> fucking _marriage_ (No one gets married, not yet 🤡)

Life is pretty good, if she’s being honest.

It’s nice when the public decides they like you, and she’s reaping the benefits creatively. She’s so close to finishing the album that she can taste it, and she knows that this is going to be a comeback no one will be able to forget.

Something she did forget about is their couple’s therapy, only remembering a day before the appointment at his gentle reminder that she needs to be freshly showered and have her notes she needs for their introductory session. She rushed the last request, not knowing exactly what they need to work on in their union. She’s no good at expressing herself if it’s not backed by a chord. She manages though, and she’s looking prim and hot as can be in a white and blue thick strap dress. Her sneakers are white and unscuffed, and she adjusts the leather jacket and grey leather All Saints crossbody on a chain. She has a black moleskine stuffed into it, and Ben’s newly repaired Tesla idles in her driveway. She makes sure to check all sides of the car before getting in, and Ben looks over at her.

“Looks spiffy right?”

She nods, “Like new. You still need to let me kick you some money for your troubles.” 

He shakes his head, “Insurance is working it out. No need.” 

She shakes her head, “I meant more like...for an extra little helpful lump of money. Not necessarily for the car if you don’t want to think of it that way.” 

He sighs, “No. You know better.” Then he pulls out of her driveway, the gate sliding open as his car drives through. Then he looks both ways before turning left on the neighborhood street. She looks down at her thighs and he settles a hand on top of them while he drives.

“Are you nervous about this?”

She admits, “Oh yeah. I’ve never done something like this before.” He glances over.

She corrects herself quickly, “Couples therapy-wise. Regular therapy is sort of my schtick these days.” She can’t help but awkwardly laugh, morphing into a long sigh that has her eyes set forward. 

Ben still holds her thigh, and they’re at a red light. “I promise that it will be okay. They got fantastic reviews and if you don’t like them, we don’t have to go to them.” 

She confesses, “I’m just nervous about the privacy of the office, and also if they’ll be starstruck by us. I hate feeling like an anomaly.”

He shrugs, “I doubt they’ll be starstruck. Their rate indicates celebrities are their main clientele.” The car jumps across the intersection and flies down the street, and it’s clear Ben hasn’t gotten the memo about going fast in this thing. She scratches behind her neck and looks down at her thighs, trying to make the time pass without having to look at her phone.

They arrive at the squat office eventually, with parking behind the building like she requested. He gets out first, looking around as he loops around the car to open her door. She’s adjusting her jacket on her shoulders as she gets out, moving aside for him to close it. Then he grabs her hand, pulling her knuckles to his lips. He presses two kisses, before dropping their hands and leading her into the building.

The walk feels like traipsing towards a six foot deep hole with her hands tied behind her back and an open coffin at the bottom. What if this completely goes to shit? What if Ben hates her after this?

The waiting room they enter into is cushy, white creamy couches and a sea glass beach theme. She plops down, and Ben stays standing. He views his phone with a hand on his hip, and she presses her thighs together while clasping her hands and waiting patiently for the therapist to collect them. She wants reassurance he won’t leave her. 

The wait feels like ages, but eventually a shorter, dark skinned woman surfaces in a modest knee length leopard print dress with a black oversized blazer thrown over the top. Her louboutins are shoot to kill, and Rey wishes she had the decency to wear heels so she could match the vibe she wasn’t privy to. “You two must be Rey and Ben. I’m Ora, it’s good to meet you.” She offers out a hand to Rey first, and Rey shakes quickly and with a set mouth. Then she shakes hands with Ben and they’re led into a cramped office. She has files and boxes stacked in a corner by a giant desk.

She excuses, “Sorry, moving is messy.” Picking up a clipboard and olive green fountain pen, she sits across from them on a dark leather couch. Ben is on the other cushion, and they’re not holding hands or anything. She feels exposed and nervous, like someone has ripped all the skin off her back and shook it out in front of her horrified face. 

Ora clears her throat, her sights setting on Rey. “I do want to thank you for being so prompt about getting your releases in, it’ll make learning about your background much less invasive and painful.”

She gulps, “No problem. Uh...what exactly are you getting from those though?”

Ora explains as she adjusts in her seat, “Medication information primarily, also any major events you may not feel comfortable covering in a first session.”

She fucking hates this process already, but she sucks it up with a nod. Ben interrupts, “This is our first therapy session together so we don’t really have a rhythm.“

“That’s perfectly alright. Both of you can tell me, in as many words as you need to, why you’ve sought out counseling.”

Rey gulps, and looks at Ben. He’s a much better talker, but even he looks a little green. That means she needs to take over, and she does while brushing her hair from her face. “I think we just want to strengthen our couple’s union as much as airtight as our working relationship is.” 

Ora raises a brow and Ben explains, “I’m a documentary filmmaker and I’m contractually shooting Rey for a year. That deal was struck before we fell in love, obviously.”

Ora nods while jotting something down, “I see. Is this your first relationship for either of you?”

They both shake their heads and Rey sheepishly reveals, “I had gotten out of an abusive one about a year before now.”

“I’m so sorry, Rey.”

She waves the apology away uncomfortably and scratches the back of her neck. “It happens. Uh, I guess I just want Ben to absorb fully that I’m done with serial dating and fully committed to him-”

He interjects, “I do realize that-“

Ora raises a hand to hush them both and says, “One thing we hold sacred in this office is not interrupting another person while they speak. You cannot formulate a thought on what they reveal if they haven’t divulged all of it yet. Yes?”

Ben sits back and sighs deeply, and Rey takes that as her opportunity to continue, “I just want to be enough. I’ve never been enough for anyone, that’s why they all leave.”

Once he’s sure she’s done talking, he quietly assures, “You’re more than enough.”

Ora jots things down and Rey scratches at her throat, beneath the chain of the initial necklace around her neck. Ora then looks up at the silence and asks, “Tell me about this documentary process. From both of your views.”

Rey launches into, “I was resistant at first but also it’s capturing really important memories and giving me time with him that I wouldn’t necessarily have otherwise. We’re kind of attached at the hip when it comes to this endeavor.”

Ben nods in agreement, “I mostly did this for my family but she’s an unforeseen benefit to the process. Along with getting to make another documentary, something I adore doing.” He looks over at her, and she gulps down as he grabs her hand and pulls it into his lap.

Then he continues, “But I worry about her, a lot. I worry about her mental state, how fragile she can sometimes come off as in the grand scheme of things. This world is ruthless for sensitive people like us.”

Rey wouldn’t peg Ben as sensitive, so it’s a shock to hear him describe himself as much. Especially because it  _ fits  _ him perfectly, unknown to her psyche until now and suddenly illuminated in a spotlight. The love of her life is as sensitive as she: an artist just looking for a place to rest and pluck out what makes him happy. “I understand entirely, but also she’s made it a solid amount of years without you.”

Rey allows, “Barely. Life is easier with him.”

Ora taps her pen on the edge of the clipboard, “Which is how it should be, in an idyllic world. But you both know that you have to work to keep that idyllic lifestyle with each other.”

Ben shrugs, “I’m willing to do anything for it.” 

Rey can’t help but agree, looking over at him and seeing her future, “Likewise.” 

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Ben thought therapy went well.

As well as it could for a first session, not having normal comradery that most celebrities like them would demand before spilling their guts. Rey was forthcoming though, an open book about her feelings while still maintaining a sensitivity towards him while describing their fights or her pet peeves. He takes it all in unusual grace, knowing full well that he could get defensive if he felt like it. But what’s the point of getting defensive over things that he can probably work on and change? 

He pays the therapist through a card reader while Rey stands in the waiting room, hands clasped behind her back. Their next appointment is set for a tentative two weeks, with the ability to take it on a conference call if they’re most likely out of the state. He knows they very well might be, considering Rey’s packed album release schedule.

Ora bids them one last goodbye before they walk out the back way they came in, and Ben reaches behind him for her hand. They intertwine and he pops a stick of cinnamon gum between his teeth. He opens the door for her, and the Tesla chirps unlocked when he gets near it. She opens her own door and ducks in, and he takes a moment to check his phone outside of the car to see anything he might’ve missed. Besides a few return emails from script writers he inquired with, there’s nothing new.

He gets into the car, turning it on and letting it warm up and idle in the space. She’s looking at her phone, and Ben finds himself asking, “Can I take you on a date?”

Rey looks over, biting her lower lip. “Am I dressed for one?”

He nods, pulling on the hem of her dress. “Very much so. Dinner, drinks, movie?”

She hums and decides, “Dinner. You pick.”

He nods and looks back at his phone, trying to think of a good place. Then he asks, “Mexican food?”

She nods, “Sounds beyond delicious.”

He inputs an upscale Mexican restaurant, Javier’s, into his navigation screen, and then clips his seatbelt and puts his phone on charge. Then he backs out of the parking space carefully, reaching over to hold her thigh as he does.

She asks, “Did you think that went well?”

He nods, “Yes. Very much so.”

She nods to herself and tugs her lower lip between her teeth. He then says, “I think it’s one of those things you have to do multiple times to see the real progress. One couple’s therapy session won’t fix some of the chafing between us, but at least we’re fully able to admit it to each other.”

She sighs deeply and eventually offers a nod, then brushing a strand of hair from her face. There’s heavy silence for five or so minutes until she asks, “Are you still willing to direct a video for me?”

He glances over, and he wasn’t expecting this offer to come back so soon. Luke must be shaking in his boots. Does he even know that Rey has offered such a prestigious thing to him? He asks, to get out of his head, “What song?”

She divulges, “Out of the Woods. I have a vision for it, but I also want to know yours.”

He nods, trying to recall what song she’s referring to. She seems to read his mind, because she’s unplugging his phone and plugging hers in. “This isn’t final, but…”

A heavy bass beat plays, and she’s looks nervous as the lyrics bleed over the surround system.

_ Looking at it now _

_ It all seems so simple _

_ We were lying on your couch _

_ I remember _

_ You took a Polaroid of us _

_ Then discovered (then discovered) _

_ The rest of the world was black and white _

_ But we were in screaming color _

_ And I remember thinking _

She shuts her eyes and the chorus hits.

_ Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? _

_ Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? _

_ Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? _

_ Are we in the clear yet? In the clear yet, good _

_ Are we out of the woods _

She then pauses it, and he wants to hear more of the vocal rawness. “You wrote this after my accident.”

She nods shamefully and he reaches over and caresses her face as he stops carefully at the red light. “Are you sure you want to write about me-“

“What else am I supposed to write about?”

That’s a fair question and he wants to reply with a, “ _ Not me.” _

Instead he just refocuses on the road and nods. “What’s your vision?” This is her art that she’s letting him have a hand in, so he needs a place to start that works for her.

She says, “I want a beach, woods. I want to look like a damsel in distress, I want to get disgustingly muddy and dirty.”

He nods and she continues, “I don’t want the lyrics to connect with the video besides the woods aspect.”

Something sparks and catches fire in his head and he finds himself saying, “New Zealand.”

She looks over, and he locks eyes with her as he stops again.

She nods, a smile on her face, “Exactly.” 

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

The Boy With Luv video and single releases that weekend, and Ben finds himself back in South Korea in the name of Rey performing on a Seoul-based variety show with 3PO. It’s a quick three day trip, screwing with their sleep schedules.

Her wig is bright turquoise blue this time, pulled up into a half-up and half-down style. Her microphone is bright pink glitter, heels a matching white to the cotton-ball type dress on her frame. It’s supposed to resemble a cloud, but she really just resembles a cream puff to his gaze. A cute cream puff, obviously. She looks like an entirely different girl, and he knows they also have a show-sponsored meet and greet to do after the performance. Rey doesn’t seem too nervous about this, more nervous for the performance itself. She rocked her last televised performance but he figures that maybe it feels different when it’s international.

She’s practicing steps in her super tall heels, shimmying her butt and chewing on bright pink bubblegum while she still has the opportunity to. Ben keeps the camera trained on her as she stands by herself. The 3PO guys are still in their dressing rooms and she’s definitely not the stereotypical woman who takes forever to get ready. She’s listening to the mingle of the placed audience, their performance taking place in a different area to set up a 1960’s looking set. It resembles what the Wompas would’ve used back in the day with their ooey gooey boyband numbers. 

He understands the entire thing is going to be shot in black and white, which makes the contrast of her dress pop. The hair is more for the benefit of the meet and greet, getting a taste of Rey from the video.

The guys from 3PO file in and up to Rey, and they all greet each other with hugs and smiles. Rose steps up to Rey and whispers something in her ear, Rey looking unconcerned with a shrug. Then she plays with her hair as they’re told to get into places, needing to go live in under thirty. Ben steps up to her, as close as he can get. She looks back at him with a wide smile, “Hey you.” 

“Hey. Nervous?”

She nods, flipping her microphone. “I know what I’m doing but also these guys are insane at dancing. I’m a little rusty.”

He snorts, “Hardly rusty. I believe in you.”

She sighs deeply and presses a glossy and sticky kiss onto his cheek. Then she feels along his front, over his basic black tee and tugging on the belt looped through his jeans to pull him closer. She gets close to his ear and whispers, “We’re going to a club with the boys and Rose after the meet and greet. You’ll come right?”

He wouldn’t miss it for the world, so he just nods.

“Good boy.”

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

The meet and greet is more than fun.

She likes meeting fans, especially when they hug her tight or tell her stories about what her songs mean to them. She can’t help but hold the ones who let her, like a mother with her prized child. The tales of discovering her music always get her heart to thump extra hard, knowing she has an impact on the world that’s more than being the waste of space Fett and her previous foster father deemed her as. 

Rose thankfully got her something to change into for their club night. It’s a basic black bodycon dress with padded cups and an underwire corset type top. There’s lacing detail along the sides and it fits her tight, and she also brought the bonus of a black pair of high top Nike Air Force One sneakers since her heels have ruined her feet so badly that she had to put on Birkenstocks with her shorts and crew neck sweatshirt for the meet and greet. 

Ben is staying in the exact same outfit, because men can get away with shit like that. He’s relaxing on the couch while editing, occasionally watching her get into her dress. It’s a tight fit, maybe a size too small. She could care less, given it sucks her figure in like an hourglass. Whipping her long hair over her shoulder, she sits delicately down and starts to get on her shoes.

Ben clicks a few more times before ejecting his hard drive and closing his laptop. He puts both away in his camera bag and stands up while zipping it and slinging it on his back. Rey smooths out her hips and views him with a bit lip. He reveals, “I like you with blue hair.”

She can’t hold back her smile. “I’d do this permanently if my fans didn’t have heart failure every time I’m out of the three buns.” 

He suggests, “You could keep it special for me, though.”

She laughs aloud and shrugs, “Maybe I can. Rose, are we ready to head out?” Rose has the suitcase of everything they brought just in case, not having her normal makeup and hair team. They did a great job, of course, but it was still nerve wracking to get ready. Rose nods in response and Ben takes the suitcase from her.

Rose says, in relief, “Thanks. It’s kind of heavy.” Then she leads the way out of the dressing room, through the halls and outside. There are fans packed behind barricades outside, being held back by building security. She waves and blows as many kisses as she can before she has to get in the car after Ben. 

Ben asks, “Can we drop by the hotel so I can drop this in the room? I want the hard drive in a safe as soon as possible.” She understands his superstition, not wanting footage to leak or get stolen by whoever the fuck decides to ruin their day.

Rose says, “They won’t mind if we’re late.” The driver takes an immediate detour at their request and Rey clutches Ben’s hand tightly in her lap. He rubs his thumb over her knuckles as the traffic ebbs and flows on the busy Seoul streets. 

She asks, “Can you turn on pop radio please?”

The driver complies and turns on a strictly k-pop station. She adores the sounds of BEOPIKACH, a girl group that’s captured her with their seductive beats and insane dance moves on stage. Sometimes she obsessively watches certain artists or groups to see their performance styles, trying to lift small things from their work ethic.

They arrive at the hotel in no time, idling in a loading zone as Ben bolts from the car and runs inside. Rey waits patiently, looking at her non-working phone. It’s such a short trip that she didn’t put in her SIM card, relying on Rose to take all the essential calls. She runs her hands through her hair and adjusts her dress on her frame as much as she can.

Ben is getting back into the car in no time, shoving a protein bar into his mouth. She views him as he clips his seatbelt and yanks the door closed, the car pulling into traffic. She watches the traffic move with them, and she hopes it’s not a far drive. She just wants to have fun already.

They arrive in no time, and are let out. Ben puts his arm around her as they walk up to the front of the line, Rose doing the talking and convincing that Rey truly is the Rey Kanata that 3PO is looking for. It takes getting out her passport, and the bouncer looks between them with a sheepish smile. Rey manages, “It’s the wig, right?” Words are exchanged between the bouncer and another security guard in Korean, and they unclip the velvet rope to let them in.

Rose leads the way, sandwiching Rey between her and Rey as they enter the packed club. There are people jumping and dancing on the hypercolor floor, lights whirring around the room and the DJ is spinning new tracks she hasn’t heard before. They’re led immediately upstairs to a VIP area where wristbands are latched around their wrists and they’re led to a table with the 3PO boys already enjoying themselves.

Jimin greets them first, with bright blue hair like hers. They had connected over it today, after he jokingly accused her of copying him. “Hey guys!”

She smiles warmly and gestures to Ben, “I’m not sure if I’ve formally introduced him but this is my boyfr…partner, Ben.” Boyfriend feels so trivial for what they are, given they’re actively in couple’s therapy and also she’s been looking at wedding dresses whenever she’s sure he’s not over her shoulder. She rationalizes the dress shopping as something for the future, but Rey has a sixth sense that she might be a bride sometime before twenty five. 

Wouldn’t that be a dream? Especially with someone like Ben, who sits down next to her and quickly orders them gin and tonics. Nam-joon, having icy white hair that she envies, is cuddling close with a matching bleach blonde and glances her over. “You did really good.”

Yoon-gi, looking so cute with brunette hair, interjects, “Kept up with us.”

She beams, listening to the K-Pop over the speakers that the DJ is spinning with a ferocity. “You thought I couldn’t?” She asks it jokingly.

Tae-hyung says, also a new brunette, “We knew you could. Just used to American-raised girls complaining.”

She giggles at that, and their gin and tonics are delivered. Ben pipes up, “Someone is gonna have to let me know who to toss a couple of won to.”

Jimin raises his hand, “My tab, but don’t worry about it. This is a celebration, huh?”

Rey can’t help but smile and agree, “Yeah. To us.”

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

They pour harder in South Korea, that’s for sure. 

Ben gets pretty drunk, not blackout but to the point where dancing with her isn’t a workout and is more fun than anything. Does he understand any of the words in the songs? God no, but he’s having the time of his life with her grinding on him on the dancefloor to the rhythmic beats over the speakers.

Rose is dancing with Seok-jin and no one in the room seems to care about their presence in this playland. There are cage dancers, but his eyes are only on Rey as he gyrates against him and whips her hair while clapping along with the crowd to the rapidity of the beat drop. He doesn’t know what it is: the low lighting, the way she’s moving against him, but his brain gets a very, very bad idea. 

He’s going to propose marriage to her.

How he reaches this conclusion is, again, unknown, but he can’t help but still think about it as he continues to get more drunk and also dances his ass off. He’s dripping in sweat when they stumble out of the club with the members of 3PO to paparazzi and also crowding fans. The boys were smart and brought security, bidding them a quick farewell. Rey insists on hugs from each before they run off, and Ben watches and fends fans off with a look.

She then grabs his hand, uncaring of the paparazzi near and walks off to where their car is now waiting. People are screaming her name and she turns around and blows kisses to them as he rushes her into the cab of the car as best as he can while this inebriated. He slams the door, buckling his seatbelt before he can drunkenly forget. Rey already has hers buckled and Rose is in the front seat, checking her phone.

Ben scoots close to Rey, their thighs touching. Her hand settles on the muscle, and his lips drift close to her ear as his eyes go heavy.

“Please be my wife.”

He’s not sure how he can fall asleep the next five seconds, but he does. The last thing he sees before he does is her turning her head to look at him, face indiscernible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of three chapters today and boy, are these a motherfucking ride. hope you enjoy! thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”whistle” by blackpink (otherwise known as BEOPIKACH in this verse thanks)](https://open.spotify.com/track/7HWmJ1wBecOAMNGjC6SmKE?si=Xlf3oA1MRhaO4a31btUHTQ)
> 
> [Rey’s therapy dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/avalon-dress?color=Splatter&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM2)  
> [ora’s dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/port-dress?color=Suzette&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM2)  
> [all saints crossbody](https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/allsaints-claremont-croc-embossed-chain-crossbody-bag-prod233680078?childItemId=NMV4T98_&navpath=cat000000_cat13030735_cat46860739_cat42600741&page=0&position=8)   
> [cloud dress for variety show performance](https://lirikamatoshi.com/collections/girl-dream-collection/products/cloud-mini-dress)  
> [heels for variety show](https://www.giuseppezanotti.com/us/bebe-i960040002)  
> [sweatshirt for meet and greet](https://www.wildfox.com/products/bbj-vixen-dirty-black)   
> [dress for Seoul club](https://www.houseofcb.com/angelina-black-satin-lace-up-corset-dress.html)  
> [black Air Force 1’s](https://www.nike.com/t/air-force-1-07-high-mens-shoe-qqTAorp3/315121-032)  
> [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)


	24. the rest of the world was in black and white (but we were in screaming color)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does she even know her own ring size? Not to mention, why would he be asking for her ring size if he wasn’t ring shopping?
> 
> Rose snatches the phone back before she can foolishly reply and ask questions. “We’re keeping it cool. Okay? He’ll freak out if we descend on him with uh-“
> 
> Rey interrupts, “Engagement expectations? **Rose, he’s buying a fucking ring for a reason.** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> lingerie  
> Luke and Ben get in a fight  
> talk of proposals, marriage, engagement (tbh back out now if you don’t want them to get married bc its fucking happening)  
> excessive money spending

Delicate releases with little fanfare from her team, and she can’t help but feel a little sad about it. Having to accelerate the first two singles due to her album release hasn’t felt fantastic.

Her fans love it of course, especially when she does an intimate acoustic performance of the two songs at one of her favorite Los Angeles theaters. She also manages to get a meet and greet in the mix, but her head has been foggy since Ben’s drunken confession in South Korea.

Does he actually want her as his wife? Was he just saying that due to liquor? Or does he mean it, does he actually adore her with the passion of a thousand suns? 

She tries to push it off as just a drunken man’s fluke, until Rose comes rushing into her room at six fifteen in the morning while holding her phone. It’s the day after her performance, and Ben went to his own house after the show to decompress a little. Rey didn’t blame him, wanting to be alone so she could think about his confession a little more.

“Rey, wake up.”

Rey is cuddling with Benjamin Button, Teedo and Bebe on top of her legs as she tries to get rest. She doesn’t sleep well without Ben, and one eye blearily opens as she gazes at Rose. Rose thrusts the phone into her face, showing a message thread.

* * *

**| Ben - 4:04 AM |**

Hey do you know Rey’s ring size?

* * *

That gets her to sit up with a start, and snatch the phone. Does she even know her own ring size? Not to mention, why would he be asking for her ring size if he wasn’t ring shopping?

Rose snatches the phone back before she can foolishly reply and ask questions. “We’re keeping it cool. Okay? He’ll freak out if we descend on him with uh-“

Rey interrupts, “Engagement expectations? Rose, he’s buying a fucking ring for a reason.”

“Could be a promise ring.”

Rey snaps, “Which is a lighter way to say engaged! Get it through your skull.”

She crosses her arms and sits up against the headboard, the cats darting off the bed and presumably to go look for food that Rose most likely put in their bowls. Rose stares at Rey, and Rey says, “I don’t want anything else but him.”

“You said that about Fett.”

Rey’s tone is colder than she means it to be, “Ben doesn’t hit me. That’s the difference.” 

Rose shrugs, and Rey sighs, “If anyone knows my ring size, it would be Jannah-“

As if the Devil said “watch this shit”, Rose’s phone begins to ring. Rose answers it and simply says, “Jannah?”

“Tell me why in the good god fuck that Ben Solo just texted me at the ass crack of dawn to get your ring size?”

Rey smiles to herself, appreciating how proactive he is. Jannah continues, “Obviously I handed it over but Rey, do you have something to tell us?”

Rey blushes to herself and says, “I don’t really know what he’s doing.”

Jannah blurts, “He’s proposing, you can’t be thick enough to deny that.” Rey gets an idea, and she plucks her phone from the charger and notices there’s no good morning text from Ben. He must be feigning asleep, which makes it more suspicious. She opens up his contact, able to see his location through Find My Friends. She sees he’s near or probably inside of a building, zooming out to get the name.

_ Ankarres. _

She drops her phone, recognizing the name plain enough. Most celebrities got their engagement rings from high end jewelers, Ankarres being one shop commonly used. They specialized in vintage and found rings, could resize on site, and carried hefty price tags. “He’s at a jeweler.”

Jannah shouts, “Which one!”

She says, “Ankarres.”

“He must be using that advance for the documentary for good then.”

Rey can’t comprehend Ben adoring her enough to buy an engagement ring, so she bites her pinky nail. Rose sighs heavily, “This idiot. Luke is going to literally kill you.”

Rey shrugs, “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. For now, we have to make sure I’m constantly manicured and constantly have my hair done for the proposal.”

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

Buying the rings is a rather simple process.

Rings, plural, because Ben can’t help but be unable to choose between two and drops a hefty near three hundred grand on both diamonds. He figures that if Rey likes both, she likes both and wears both. If she prefers one to the other, the other one gets sold or kept for sentimental and stupid reasons. The resizing takes no time at all, and he’s out before twelve in the afternoon.

He’s managed to do this mostly lowkey, except for texting Jannah and Rose for Rey’s ring size. That’s not lowkey, but he’s sure they won’t tell their best friend that he’s got plans to lock it down quicker than expected. You see, Ben knows that if he doesn’t do it, he might lose her to the stagnancy that comes with him.

He’s overall pleased with his plans, and he manages to make it back to his house without much suspicion. That is until he spies her white Porsche in the driveway, and he views it as he pulls next to it. She has the code to his front door, and he gets out of the car while tucking the jeweler’s bag in his backpack. He just needs to get them into his sock drawer upstairs, without her noticing them. They’re hard to miss, with baby pink velvet boxes.

He slings the bag over his back and his Tesla locks as he walks away and up to his front door. It’s unlocked, and he really hopes she’s inside.

He’s not disappointed, Rey coming into view immediately upon entering the open concept kitchen and living room, seeing her in sheer nude lingerie with hot pink straps on her garters and bra. The lingerie is ultimately simplistic, but the hot pink creates an interesting contrast. He watches her pick something on the television, back turned to him to show off the thong bottoms.

He drops his backpack on the counter and gets her attention, Rey turning around with a start and then grinning wide. This is the girl he’s going to marry, without a doubt.

He confesses, “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“Because I didn’t tell you. Funny how that works, yeah?” He nods and surveys her as she grabs his hands, pulling them up to kiss along both sets of knuckles. There’s no way she could know what he has planned, and he’s tempted to drop to one knee here. It would be utterly unromantic though in his living room.

Rey clasps her hands behind her butt like a schoolgirl would, and he’s wondering why she’s turning up the sex appeal at noon. Did he miss a memo?

“I invited my manicurist to your house. I hope you don’t mind.”

He snorts, and the coincidence she’s getting her nails done when he has two beautiful rings with her name on it. He nods, “I don’t, actually.”

She then says, “I also ordered food. For you and me. Hope you don’t mind.”

He is a little famished, but he was going to rectify it with a banana or another protein bar. “I don’t. I love dates with you, but I do need to get some stuff done.”

He mostly needs to edit, and maybe send off some footage to test out a colorist. He also needs to get back to Revan Rose, who emailed him about an auction for rights to a life story about Bastila Shaw/Rose. She’s his wife and they had met on the Delicate video, and Ben could be interested in doing a mini series depending on how wild her life is.

He doesn’t doubt that as an ex model, she has some secrets she’d like to spill. “That’s fine. We’re getting Shake Shack.” An interesting choice for her, given he’s never seen her touch a burger in his life. 

She divulges, as if she can read his mind, “I got a chicken sandwich and cheese fries. Hey, how would you feel about heading to Rhode Island for a few days after my album release?”

He raises his brows, “Rhode Island?”

She says, matter of fact, “I own an estate there. Haven’t been in over a year.”

It gets the cogs in his brain to turn, looking back at the backpack sitting on his counter. The rings are in there, and what better change of scenery to propose in than Rhode Island? He agrees, “Sure. I’ll spot you cash for my ticket since I assume we’re flying-“

“Private? Oh you’d be correct. We’re also bringing Rose, Jannah, Finn, Poe, Jamilli, and I think Luke? Oh and Chewie.” 

It’s a laundry list of people, and he wonders why she’s inviting Luke. He supposes it might be a reward for all his hard work, but also he really doesn’t want to get assaulted post-proposal. Could marrying Luke’s client as his nephew be so bad?

He’d never hurt Rey or her career, he adores her far too much.

“I think we’ll have a fun time, don’t you?”

Her face is expectant, and he offers a small nod. “Very much so.” 

-♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡-

He doesn’t know why Rey brought him to this video casting, but he could care less.

All the man candy that stands before them is hopeful to be in a Rey Kanata video as what they presume is a love interest. They’re casting for two music videos today, Style and Blank Space. Out of the Woods is a cast of only her, nature, and a bunch of wolves they plan on having on set. Style comes before in the single line up, so they have to cast for it first. 

Rey is cute in a tie dye mini sweatshirt dress, white expensive Adidas laced onto her feet as she sits next to him at the casting table. She’s also got pink crystalline glasses that don’t even have a prescription. He assumes it's an effort to look smart and intimidating to others, and it mostly works as she flips through resumes and also headshots and cuts people’s cords as quickly as she can.

She seems to like no one auditioning, and he can’t discern why. He just observes her as she occasionally glances from him to headshots. Between people, she sets down a binder and announces, “I literally want to leave.”

Luke reminds, “We need to cast today to stay on schedule.”

“None of them look like-“

She stops, shutting her mouth as Ben looks up from his work on his laptop, busy putting together an equipment list for Out of the Woods. Luke views her and asks before he can, “Look like who?”

Rey looks nervous, then looking straight at Ben. “None of them look like Ben.”

Luke sighs, exasperated, and Ben’s belly turns over quicker than a high spin cycle on a washer. He balks and Luke snaps, “You want your entire career to tangle with this-“

Rey stands up and snaps,“This what? What the fuck are you going to call your nephew now?”

Luke growls, audibly, and Ben interjects with a, “I’m not even in the video-“

Rey confesses, sitting back down and grabbing his hands tight, “I want you to be though.”

Ben gulps, and Luke rages, “Absolutely not!”

Rey yells, “And why not?”

“You think he’s good enough for someone like you?” That gets Ben to get up, snapping his laptop shut. They both watch him quickly pack up, and he zips his bag shut with a, “I’m going to the coffee shop down the street. Come get me when you cast.”

Then he storms out without a look back, and he hears the door slam behind him to only open again. Rey yells after him, “Ben!”

He doesn’t stop walking and her feet pitter patter on the linoleum of the casting building. Her hand grabs his shoulder and manages to yank him to turn around, holding onto him tightly and breathing hard. They lock eyes, chartreuse on whiskey brown, and some things feel right in the world. Not everything, but enough to stop seeing red around the edges.

She asks, quietly, “Be in my video?”

He sighs, “You heard Luke-“

“I don’t care, he doesn’t get input in this. I want you. I don’t want to act with someone else on this song.” 

He’s not known for his looks in front of the lens, especially since acquiring the facial scar. He sighs once again, and she pleads, “Ben, please. Please humor me, it’ll be a week after we get back from Rhode Island.”

He nearly forgot about that bright spot, and he knows her album release is in two weeks. He asks, without meaning it to leave his mouth, “Can Luke not be invited to Rhode Island?”

She nods, “After that attitude? I agree. He’s uninvited.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two out of three for today. next one is the monster so take this time to get a nice snack and hydrate (or die-drate). thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”out of the woods” by taylor swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/5OndtwLGA9O6XHFcGm2H7r?si=Ac_76ITxQL2YjZgUfFcsuA)
> 
> [the big, expensive ass ring](https://www.victorbarbone.com/collections/vintage-engagement-rings/products/tiffany-marquise-diamond-engagement-ring)   
>  [cheaper ring](https://www.victorbarbone.com/collections/engagement-rings-over-20000/products/5-84-carat-bezel-diamond-engagement-ring)   
>  [the lingerie](https://darkestfox.com/collections/garter-belt-set/products/corps-a-corps-garter-belt-set-neon-pink)   
>  [tie dye sweatshirt dress](https://www.dollskill.com/long-sleeve-tie-dye-sweater-dress-pastel-multicolor.html)   
>  [adidas](https://www.adidas.com/us/x90004d-shoes/FW7090.html)   
>  [glasses](https://www.warbyparker.com/eyeglasses/women/percey/rose-crystal-with-riesling-endcaps)   
>  [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)


	25. with every guitar string scar on my hand (i take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s drunk.
> 
> Not just a little, but not to the point where he’s extremely foolish. He’s just a little giggly, splashing around in the pool with Hux and Poe while Finn and Rose and Rey figure out the grill.
> 
> He didn’t peg Rey as someone who could grill, but also she surprises him in a lot of ways.
> 
> Ben slams the ball over the net, two on one because Poe is a cocky bastard who is convinced he can take him and Hux. Ben and Hux both hold cans of beer in little koozies printed with an “RK”. He can’t wait until it becomes “RKS” or maybe she might even throw him a bone and fully change over to **Solo**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> ridiculous amount of alcohol consumption  
> Rhode Island  
> boats  
> Ben and Hux climb on a roof  
> swimming  
>  **A FUCKING PROPOSAL UH**  
>  i think they refer to babies at one point but honestly im not sure and don’t want to read back so consider this your warning yeet  
> smut (oral sex and penetrative)

The album pre-releases with a small party for fans at Rey’s Brooklyn apartment, and he’s informed this is what she calls a “secret session”. It’s about two days before public release but she wants to hear any input that fans might have about it so she can steel herself for critics.

Ben likes watching her with fans, her little giggles as she poises on a yellow wingback chair set up near a projection screen showing her laptop screen. It feels more personal playing from her computer, like an artist being candid about their process without saying so. 

She loves answering questions as well, calling on raised hands like an approving teacher. The questions are good ones, and she makes sure to jot down Twitter or Instagram handles as they ask any burning queries about her newest love child, Still Learning. 

“Are we going to see the process of making this album on this documentary you’re working on?” Rey glances to Ben, who has taken up the job of filming the secret sessions with Hux and Phasma. 

Rey reveals, “Nearly all of it. Ben and I got up close and personal with this writing process.”

He wants to quip,  _ “In more ways than one.” _

He holds off though to opt to look at the monitor that is hooked to Hux’s unit. Mitaka is watching at the tripod set on Rey, making sure nothing skips out or stops recording given the people milling about the room. She adjusts the massive Millenia tee (one of his) on her frame, and her fancy two hundred dollar Adidas sneakers tap on the wood floor of her living room as she calls on a nervous teenage boy.

“I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to say how awesome you are for letting us in again. I know we can be unnecessarily harsh as a fandom but we’re glad that you’re back.”

Rey clutches at her heart and bites her lower lip. “Would it be odd to ask you for a hug?” She laughs nervously and so does the boy, but both get up as Rey closes the gap to hug him. She’s shorter than the lanky teenager but she doesn’t seem to care, and he looks absolutely starstruck that his idol is clinging to him for serotonin. 

Rey wipes her eyes as she pulls away, leaning and kissing the fan’s cheeks before walking back to her wingback chair. She wipes her eyes again and laughs nervously. “It’s been nerve wracking to release music again. Especially after what happened with-“

She cuts herself off, steels herself, and then smooths out her tee. “Next question please? I rather love your guys’ minds.” 

-🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹-

They leave for Rhode Island the day the album drops. Normally, she’d be contracted to do a performance on a late show or something, but Rey just really wants at least four days of relaxation time before getting deep into her popstar obligations.

Rey invites Hux, Phasma, and Mitaka last minute. They have enough room on the plane after all, and they definitely have enough room at her place, and they all gratefully accept. She wants to get to know his coworkers better, be an excellent future fiancée.

The one mistake she makes is setting the flight to be at nine-thirty in the morning, the day after her small album release party with her team. She’s a tad hungover, but she tries her best to be as pleasant as she can when doing her last minute checks on her suitcase. She’s brought seven bikinis for four days, because extras can’t be bad to have. She’s sure Ben only brought two pairs of board shorts, both of them basic black probably.

Rose enters the room, and Ben is downstairs doing the mobile order for coffee for everyone. Most people from the party, who were invited on the trip, just stayed overnight in her Brooklyn digs. The people who didn’t are going to meet them at the tarmac. Rose says, “They set up the volleyball net in the pool like you requested. Also a maintenance guy for the yacht is going to come by before we get there to check out the fuel leakage problem.”

Rey nods gratefully, and she checks for her driver’s license in her wallet before sliding it into her Rebecca Minkoff tote, zipping up her bright yellow suitcase. She then pulls it off the bed to the floor and Rose extends the handle to tug it across the wood.

“Cat sitter will get here literally thirty minutes after we leave. They’ll be okay.”

Rey sighs, “It’s just Benjamin’s first time staying without us, you know? I want him to feel okay.” As if he was summoned by the mention of his furry son, Ben comes into the room while still holding his phone. His suitcase is already packed, he’s already ready, and he smells like Tom Ford bitter peach. 

“Coffee is ordered. Rey I got you a skinny vanilla latte with soy milk.” She smiles gratefully and rifles through her purse for her medication, popping a pill in her mouth and swallowing it down with water from beside her bed.

Ben raises a brow and she rationalizes, “I’m drinking soon and it needs to get into my bloodstream. Sue me.”

Ben says, taken aback, “Rey, it’s fucking seven.”

She shrugs, checking her tote to make sure it has enough room for the goodies that Chewie bought for her album release. Marijuana edibles and whiskey to be specific, treats she gets to have usually once a year. “You can’t be serious about drinking this early.”

She sighs, “I am actually. It’s my trip and weekend, no sad sack behavior okay?”

He sighs himself and then crosses his arms over his chest, and she picks up her tote and suitcase and walks out of the room and down the stairs. Everyone is congregated in the living room, and Finn and Poe having on matching iridescent pink eye masks underneath their pupils. 

“I want some.”

Finn says, “On the plane, yeah?”

She sighs glumly and hears Ben lumber down the stairs. Hux quips, “So I heard we are having a debaucherous time.”

Rey nods, “You’d be correct. In fact, I need you guys to sign NDAs.” Hux, Phasma, Ben, and Mitaka look taken aback by this. Jamillia seems to be steeled for this part of Rey’s vacations, probably thanks to Kaydel.

“We’re getting up to some shit and we’re all famous or successful in one way or another. This is to make sure that none of us are assholes and talk about these four days to embarrass one another.”

Ben says, “I didn’t sign one for Japan.”

She sighs, “Because I didn’t want one for Japan.”

Then she huffs and looks around the room. Finn says, “Hand it over.”

Rose walks in, as if on cue, with the folder of packets. Rey mumbles, “Read it in the car if you have to, you do have time to call your lawyers here.” 

Then she signs the packet handed to her by Rose with a flourish, without even looking it through. She hands it back and then walks to her kitchen to say goodbye to her other cats. Ben follows behind, and he asks, “This won’t fuck me right?”

She sighs, “The opposite actually. It’ll help you.”

He sighs, then looking back at the packet before snatching a pen from the counter, signing the NDA with a flourish. Rey pets Teedo carefully, watching him in approval before he walks out to hand his signed packet to Rose.

Rey pets both Bebe and Teedo, Benjamin Button asleep in her closet, on top of her ottoman on a sweatshirt she set out just for him. Then she kisses them both on the head, and hears the front door slam. The cars must be here, and she rushes out into the living room to watch Phasma and Hux sign their pages. Mitaka is handing his to Rose, who already has a stack of pages.

“Ben is loading the suitcases with Chewie. Chewie said he had a surprise for you though-“

Rey rushes out of the house and into the street where the cars are idling. Chewie is holding a gift basket, full of chocolate and gummy edibles and a bottle of Uncle Nearest Tennessee whiskey. She beams at the gift basket, taking it in her hands and rushing back inside despite Ben watching after her.

She manages to shove the handle and edibles into her tote, cinching it up tight and sliding her phone and ID in the front pocket. Then she slings it over her shoulder, Ben coming in and grabbing her suitcase. “You are not drinking a handle of whiskey at a near eight in the morning-“

She cuts him off, “I’ll drink it closer to ten.” She smiles while patting his shoulder, leaving the house with one lingering look back, leaving Rose to lock up and arm the security system except for the cat sitter. 

She’s ready to get these four days started, that much is for sure.

-🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹-

Ben is used to flying private with her, but not with this many party animals.

Champagne bottles pop when they step onto the plane, pink champagne poured into plastic cups and orange juice mixed with some smart cups. Rey is not a champagne drinker this morning, pouring half a cup of whiskey and sipping on it while grooving in her seat to an Instagram story that Finn is filming to her song Cruel Summer.

Rose is with her, holding a glass of straight champagne and knowing how to party. Hux kicks him in the shin, and Ben’s hand flashes out to hit him, barely missing. “Your girl knows how to party, huh.”

Phasma says, before he can reply, “I’d say so. I’d kill for a girl like that.”

Ben snaps, “Well she’s taken. Probably for good after this vacation.”

Both sets of brows raise, Mitaka buried in an Instagram model’s page and playing the dangerous game of trying not to double tap on a photo. Ben wipes his brow and then confesses, “I may be proposing.” 

Phasma chokes on her straight orange juice, and Hux snorts. “You’re not kidding.”

Ben sighs, “God no. Never been so sure.”

Rey calls, to interrupt their conversation, “Ben come sit with me! I saved you a spot!”

Hux says, “Better go ahead and sit in your seat.” Ben sticks out his tongue, getting up and straightening out his plain white tee. Rey is wearing a bright yellow Nike tie dye set, with white high top Nike Air Force Ones to complement the comfort level. He doesn’t blame her for wanting to be comfortable for this flight, though it’s an hour and thirteen minutes.

She’s still sipping her whiskey and he plops down across from her, watching Rose sit in her lap while they talk. “She’s making Jell-O shots too.”

Rey claps her hands, and Ben can tell this is going to be a pure chaos weekend to go down in history. Will he even be coherent enough to propose? He fucking hopes so, because these rings are burning holes in his backpack.

“What kind of Jell-O shots?” 

Rose answers while picking at her own shortened acrylics, “Blue raspberry, cherry, and lime.”

Rey beams, “Oh hell yeah.” The flight attendant leans over to whisper in Rey’s ear, and she hops up and nearly dumps Rose on her ass. 

“Sorry! Time to do something!” 

Rose pouts and walks to her seat across from Jannah, clipping her seatbelt. Ben does the same as he watches Rey step up to the phone against the wall, picking it up. 

Then she starts off, “Hello, hello, hello party people, I’ll be doing your safety briefing with the help of Jane today!“

Ben wants to hide his face, mostly to contain his laughter.

-🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹-

The house is just as she remembers it from more than a year ago, only she’s without Fett and she’s not trying to fix a failing relationship.

This time she’s with all her best friends, and that’s all she can hope for in a shitty world like this. The keepers of the house, Gloria and Rosita are very efficient at their jobs, and will be relocating to the pool house for the four days Rey will be queen of her castle. They will be doing all the cooking, shopping, drink making, cleaning, fire building, and boat preparing that Rey could potentially need.

They even made Jell-O shots, stacked up in a pyramid on the kitchen counter. Rey rubs her hands together, Ben taking their bags upstairs and changing into board shorts. Rey knows she’ll have to don a bikini eventually. She has the perfect beach maxi dress to go over it for when she wants to feel a tad more modest.

For now, she cracks open the lid to a green Jell-O shot in a plastic cup and downs it. The base liquor is tequila, and she smiles to herself. Of course, she’s already tipsy but a Jell-O shot can’t hurt her state. She calls, to no one in particular, “I’m getting dressed in a bikini.”

Then she traipses out of the kitchen, up the stairs to the master bedroom. Holiday House, as she lovingly calls it, is outfitted in white and wicker and resembles a perfect beach house by HGTV’s word. She knocks on the closed door to her master bedroom.

Ben calls, “Come in.” She does as she’s told and looks around the light beachy room. He’s shirtless, wearing black board shorts like she predicted. 

“There are Jell-O shots downstairs.” She unzips her suitcase and plucks out a mustard yellow thong bikini and Birkenstocks. She takes off the tie dye set, and Ben is rubbing on sunscreen. She doesn’t watch him, sliding on both pieces of the bikini before plucking out a white maxi dress to lounge around the pool with. Ben is spraying the coconut scented sunblock across his chest.

“I’m not a huge drinker.”

She knows this, but also Ben needs to loosen up. He will probably when he realizes even  _ Rose  _ is getting blackout drunk. She adjusts the cups of the maxi dress, slits up the side of her leg as she slips her pedicured toes into her sandals. Ben has matching sandals, and he also looks like he got a pedicure like her.

Or he just has nice feet, but given he’s a man and a filmmaker, he probably doesn’t have the time for normal maintenance. Rey fixes her second bun and Ben grabs his phone and grips it in his hand after wiping off his sunscreen covered hand.

“You gonna put on sunscreen?” 

Rey shakes her head and breezily reveals, “Tanning oil. Come on.” 

Rose has it downstairs so she starts out the door, taking the stairs two at a time and hearing raucous laughter in the kitchen and loud music playing. It’s Latin pop, so definitely chosen by Poe. She doesn’t mind it, especially as she shakes her ass as she enters the packed kitchen to dance up against Rose. She’s pouring whiskey spritzers, and Poe is on his phone. Finn is outside, taking his obligatory TikToks outside.

Poe changes the song to what Ben recognizes as Turn Down For What, and he tries to grab Rey too late. She screeches and hops onto the kitchen counter, minding the drinks that Rose starts to deftly hand out. Rose thrusts one towards him and Ben shakes his head, watching Rey wiggle and dance on top of the counter with her spritzer.

Poe joins her, bopping their hips together as they drink. Ben watches them closely, making sure that Rey won’t fall off the counter. Rose reminds, to his horror, “Gloria went out to buy more liquor.” 

Rey claps her hands and shimmies a little as she drinks. Jannah enters the room, grooving along with the music in a crinkly and pink high waisted bikini that pops against her dark skin. Rose is wearing an also crinkly orange high waisted tie front bikini and sipping her matching orange drink as Rey shakes her ass on the counter.

Ben rubs along his chin and Phasma enters the fray, still dressed and not in any semblance of a swimsuit. She’s probably not a swimmer like the rest of them, but Jannah still includes her by handing her a drink. Phasma sniffs it, then shrugs and takes a long gulp.

“Ooh, this is delicious.” Rose beams.

“Whiskey spritzer.” Rey and Poe have gotten distracted trying to make up a secret handshake, and Ben hopes to god the spring in his ass can loosen up so he can be a fun guy.

He wonders how long that might take.

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Rey isn’t blackout drunk, but she’s having a ton of fun already after only three hours. They’re hanging out by the pool, playing volleyball and drinking at the overstocked outdoor bar. She figures that she can fire up the grill in an hour for hamburgers and hot dogs. It’s a curse that Rey has forgotten how to cook but can grill like a champ while inebriated.

She spikes the volleyball over the net, Poe complaining as he misses it. He didn’t try hard to get it, holding a bottle of black cherry Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Finn laughs aloud, and Jannah is glum over on their team. Kaydel and Jamillia are on her side, and Rose is busy blowing up a pool floatie for herself with an air pump.

The only person she hasn’t seen in ten minutes is Ben, and it’s been more like she hasn’t seen him for a half an hour. He never joined them outside, opting to stay inside with Phasma, Hux, and Mitaka.

She wants his attention, but she doesn’t know how to get it in a big bad world like this. Rey sighs to herself and swims to the edge of the pool, picking up her third whiskey spritzer and taking a long sip.

Gloria comes to the rescue for her bad mood, Rosita following behind the woman carrying cases of beer in a pull wagon with a massive keg in her arms. Her eyes widen, and Rosita sets the keg down on the ground.

Rey calls, “Can I tap it?”

Rosita nods, “Of course honey.”

Rey scrambles out of the water and she hears the door to outside slam to look back at Ben and his group entering the party outside. They lock eyes, and Rey gestures to the keg. He hands his plain sparkling water to Hux before jogging around the pool and over to her.

“Need help tapping that?”

“I can do it myself. I just wanted you here. We do have to wait an hour so it’s not all foam.” She’s sheepish, and pushes her hair out of her face.

Then she asks, “Do you want a beer? We have a few kinds.” 

Ben bites his lip and she then says, “I wish you would spend time with me.” 

He sighs deeply, “I’m sorry-“

“No problem. I just don’t know why you suddenly don’t want to.” 

He says, “I do. I definitely do, I just am not so good with drinking before noon.” 

Rey checks the clock over the grill, seeing it’s past noon. Ben gets the hint and walks to the pull wagon with the beer cases, ripping the cardboard on a craft vanilla and coffee Porter that she had the women get him specifically. Her plant worked, that much is obvious. 

He looks back at Hux, “Come on and shotgun with me.”

Hux laughs aloud, and Phasma shoves him forward to do it while she follows behind. Mitaka follows the entire pack timidly. Rey is going to sit out the shotgun, sipping her whiskey. Ben, Phasma, and Hux pull their pocket knives from their pockets and they all grab a can of beer, cutting a slit into the side before holding it to their lips.

They crack the cans simultaneously and gulp down the frothy beer at an accelerated rate. Ben somehow finishes first and to her horror, he smashes the can against his forehead and tosses it in the recycling bin like he just drank a simple sprite. What is it about beer that makes men literal neanderthals?

“Happy?”

Rey nods, “Very much so. Another one.”

He snorts, doing as she bids and leaning down to grab another beer.

If she can get him to loosen up, they’ll all benefit, she knows that to be true.

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He’s drunk.

Not just a little, but not to the point where he’s extremely foolish. He’s just a little giggly, splashing around in the pool with Hux and Poe while Finn and Rose and Rey figure out the grill.

He didn’t peg Rey as someone who could grill, but also she surprises him in a lot of ways.

Ben slams the ball over the net, two on one because Poe is a cocky bastard who is convinced he can take him and Hux. Ben and Hux both hold cans of beer in little koozies printed with an “RK”. He can’t wait until it becomes “RKS” or maybe she might even throw him a bone and fully change over to Solo. 

He doubts it, but a man can drunkenly dream as he idly watches her throw on hamburger patties. The volleyball thunks into the side of his head and Poe laughs loud as Ben whines, rubbing his temple. “I’m not playing anymore, that was a dirty trick.”

“Oh don’t be a baby, Solo.” Ben is already wading and getting out of the water, Hux following him.

“Mate, I have an idea.” Ben looks back as he still sips his beer, walking to the chaises he and Rey have set up for themselves side by side. 

He looks back as he towels off, setting his beer down on an end table between them. Hux points to the pool house and Ben raises his brows. Hux explains, “I’m sure the view of the ocean is crazy from the roof.”

Hux knows that Ben’s weakness is a good view from a roof, and this spikes his curiosity quicker than a wildfire. Ben looks to Rey, who is focused on cooking. Then he nods, and they take that as his cue to grab his beer and creep down the stairs from the raised pool balcony after they grab their phones.

They traipse through the lawn, and Ben makes quick work of finishing his while they reach the side of the pool house. There’s a massive trellis bolted into the wall on the side of the house, no thorny flowers growing up it thankfully. 

Hux gestures to it, “You’re bigger than me, we’ll see if it goes down with you.”

Ben quips, “I also make more money than you so I can pay for it when I destroy it.”

Then he tugs on the trellis, feeling it secure and tight to the wall. He shrugs, starting his slow climb up it. It’s very steady, too steady for his sensibilities. Ben likes a little risk in his climbs but also this is Rey’s house and he doesn’t want to break it.

He makes it up easily, and Hux starts his climb as Ben steadies on the roof and stands up on the slope to look out at the ocean like a pirate captain on his boat. It’s such a murky blue from up here, and he wonders if it’s good water to propose on. He still has to talk to Gloria and Rosita about his plans the next day, then order the flowers the next day, and set up the proposal the day after that. He snaps a picture of the view with his phone, and Hux arrives.

“Ah, I was right.” Ben nods, sitting down on the roof and looking at the ocean while Hux sits next to him.

“You’re really proposing, aren’t you?”

Ben glances over, and he nods. Hux, who managed to somehow bring his beer, sips the frothy liquid and watches the sea instead of him.

Ben asks, “Do you have issues with it?”

Hux laughs, “Hardly. I think you need to shack up for your own good.”

Ben snorts now, “How so?”

Hux rationalizes, “You’re kind of wild sometimes. I think she’ll match the wild, or even get all of it out of you.” 

Ben shrugs and lies back against the shingles. “Wish I brought an extra beer.”

“You’re in luck.” Hux reaches into his pocket and pulls out an unopened can of an India Pale Ale, and Ben cracks it open even though it’s hardly his favorite type of beer. He gulps some down and watches the ocean rock with waves and wind.

“You’re going to be a married man. The guy who called my ass to do that crazy ass Snoke documentary is going to have the most beautiful popstar bride.”

Ben laughs, “Laying it on real thick.”

“God she’s only going to age like fine fucking wine. You know it.” 

Ben nods, “Rey is very hot. It appalls me how hot someone can be, and then she walks into a room like a little fucking vixen.”

Ben then snorts and laughs before gulping down beer, getting out his phone and snapping a few photos. He puts one on his Instagram story, and tags it as Rhode Island and with a cheeky “documentary break” caption.

He doesn’t even lock his phone before he hears her screaming at them, “What the absolute fuck are you doing up there?”

Rey has her hands on her hips, and he can see Finn watching the grill from this rooftop vantage. “Ben, get down!”

He retorts, “Why should I?”

Rey visibly fumes, stomping her foot and crossing her arms over her chest. “Ben!”

He huffs, looking to Hux. “Do we jump?”

“Are you fucking insane? No, we climb down the trellis.”

Ben shrugs at that prospect and heads for that side of the roof. “Ben there’s a fucking balcony! Just climb down to it!” He traipses back across the shingles and peeks down to the balcony where the door then opens.

He shrugs and fully jumps down, landing on the deck and brushing his hair from his face as Hux hops down after him and follows him into the pool house/guest house bedroom. They take the stairs two at a time and exit the pool house, Ben glancing to an angry Rey.

“You could’ve gotten hurt.”

He excuses, “I’m a big guy.”

Then he sips more of his beer that he managed to keep intact, walking towards the house. Rey runs up behind him and tucks herself under his arm. He likes this position, holding the girl he loves and kissing the top of her head. “I’m making food.”

He comments, “Domestic goddess, huh?”

She mumbles, embarrassed, “Just want to impress the man I love.” Then she brushes her hair out of her face as they take the stairs, rushing out from under his arms to attend to her grilling again. 

He watches her before shaking his head to himself, wondering how the hell he’s ever going to keep up with her.

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Dinner is delicious if she can toot her own horn. She cooked everything to specification, and they all managed to laugh and get even drunker than they were prior to food.

Rosé flows with her chosen family, Rey touched as Poe stands and makes a toast to her and her album. A highlight is when he stared pointedly at Ben and said, “Any man who has this woman is the luckiest man in the world.”

Ben just looked sheepish, probably aware of her prized possession status in the world given that he’s been following her for a documentary. Also since he’s proposing to her, making her belly turn still as she thinks about it. More alcohol flows, Rey tapping the keg in a hot pair of Louboutins and a tight blue dress. She’s not a beer drinker, but Ben and Hux clearly are as they decide to go cup for cup.

Rey doesn’t think this is a bad idea since Ben can carefully handle his liquor like a tightrope walker after a good amount of centering meditation. She learns that while this seems to be the case, Ben gets loud as fuck when intoxicated.

His laugh gets raucously loud, and he also busts out some fun dad-like dance moves while Rey watches in her basic black one piece. She wanted something more full coverage for after dinner, self conscious about her body and worried that she may not look her best.

The night chills down, and people eventually start filing inside. Rey and Rose and Jannah set up camp in the hot tub, but she presumes that they left only ten minutes before to go have sex. Ben is talking to Phasma about something documentary related, still holding a cup of beer. 

Eventually Phasma bids him farewell and Ben strands there for a long moment before looking back at her still sitting in the hot tub. He jogs over, stepping into the warm and bubbling water carefully. He wades over to where she sits, squeezing next to her on the bench. When he realizes the fit is too tight, he pulls her onto his lap mid-sip of her margarita. 

He’s satisfied as he says, “Better.”

She replies, “You could’ve said please.”

“Why would I?” He brushes hair from his face before leaning forward and kissing along her neck, arms caging around her ribs to hold her close to his chest. She appreciates the attention, especially as he sucks marks into her skin like he owns her.

Facetune is a wonder drug that will definitely apply to her pictures tomorrow. Her ribs hurt from the compression of his biceps but she could care less, margarita flowing down her throat. “You know I fucking adore you, right?”

She nods, believing that someone loves her for once. 

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Rey’s yacht is a work of art.

Partying on the Atlantic in a boat is something he can officially cross off his bucket list, along with watching Rey have a Four Loko taped to her hand. The only way to get it untaped from her palm is to drink it, a common film school party game. She seems used to these antics, cracking it open with the handle of a spoon so she doesn’t break an acrylic and starting to chug.

Ben tries to help her out, but Poe continuously yells and pulls him away every time he tried to sip down the alcoholic and melted down candy peach.  _ “You can’t help her, dude.” _

Ben wants to, but she seems like she’s a good sport and more than fine with being inebriated on her boat. Gloria is driving the yacht, and he got to know them at breakfast and hammer out the details of the proposal tomorrow night. It’s so soon, and he can barely contemplate what he’s going to say. He tried writing it out the night before, but it was hard to write things down with Rey clinging to him in her sleep. She’s a sloth sometimes, and he wishes he could peg the nights where she’d put a pillow between their bodies because she can’t be touched.

That would be nice, but they take things slower than molasses trailing off a tortoise shell in some aspects. He never wants to overwhelm her with physical contact. Being hit before himself, he knows that sometimes it can feel worse than a punch when it’s unwanted. Even benign touches.

Rey shakes her ass to the Mamma Mia soundtrack blaring over the loudspeakers, a Memphis Mule in her grip as she does. Rose is also hammered, clutching Jannah and kissing all over her face with a nasty sunburn on her shoulders from the day before. Poe is in Finn’s lap, and Phasma and Mitaka are somehow casting a fucking fishing line off the back of the boat. Hux is sitting next to him, sipping an alike beer and watching the festivities happen around them. Ben feels like the loser guy against the wall at prom, which was exactly the position he found himself in at most school dances growing up. No one liked the freaky documentary obsessed kid, with the musician parents and the inability to properly fit in private school uniforms. 

Rey sips her drink again and Kaydel has her arm around Jamillia’s shoulder and talks low to her. He wonders how the hell their sex life is, given they both seem like tiny firecrackers. Jamillia is a little more quiet with it, but also she screams loud when drunk. Ben stands up, locking eyes with Rey.

He makes a bold choice, taking a pointed look back to the stairs that go below deck to the master bedroom on board the yacht. He got the full tour from Gloria this morning as well, when they were brainstorming on what spaces to use for the proposal and ultimate sleepover. He knows the room is made up, and he disappears down below and hopes she’s smart and follows him.

He enters the bedroom, leaving the door open as he pulls off his tee and kicks off his sandals, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring down the hall with the perfect view of if she wanders downstairs to flirt with the dark side.

She does, thankfully. Her steps are slow, even more than 60fps on a camera. Rey leans in the doorway, crossing her arms over her chest as they stare at each other. She’s wearing a long sleeved swimsuit, vertically striped in black on a white backdrop with a cutout just above her belly button. The neckline is a plunge, showing off a little cleavage. 

Ben orders, “Come closer. Close the door and lock it while you do.” 

She looks back behind her, to make sure there’s no one following her, before stepping into the room and closing the door. It takes no time at all to lock it, and she turns back to look at him with a bitten lip. He pats his lap and she perches in it like a fine bird.

He brushes hair from her neck, surveying the bruising he sucked into the flesh the night prior. Ben then rubs down each notch of her spine, kissing her temple.

He whispers, to pretend like he’s teasing her, “I’m going to marry you.”

She whines, soft, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

He heartily chuckles and shrugs, “I’m sure you’ll realize this is a promise I don’t intend to break.”

She mumbles, a little bitter sounding, “Better not be.”

He runs fingers through the ends of her hair and holds her even closer to him, still kissing along the crown of her head. He plants more seeds, like a careless farmer with a high yield crop, “How would you like to do dinner with me on this yacht tomorrow night? Just us.”

He already has a time set, and she looks at him in surprise. He says, “I’ll organize it and everything. You just have to arrive at the dock at five thirty sharp. Can you do that?”

She nods quickly and presses her glossy lips onto his. 

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Rey doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into by agreeing to a private dinner on her yacht with him.

All she knows is that she has to bring her A-game, and she has in her pink off the shoulder floral maxi dress. It fits her waist tight, swelling over her hips. Her heels shuffle against the wood of the dock, staring at the yacht she’s waiting to be invited on.

Rose has convinced her that tonight is the night, that she’s going to become a soon to be bride at his hand. Rey knows she’s ready for such a commitment, even with Luke’s insistence that she’s really fucking not ready to be entangled with Ben Solo.

Who cares what Luke thinks? She’s never been so happy with anyone else, even the people he shoved down her throat as “smart career moves”. Rey builds herself, and by god, Ben gets that.

Speaking of the devil, she watches him walk off the boat and towards her, wearing a basic black suit with a skinnier tie to exude a casual energy she’s not identifying with right now. She clasps her hands in front of her belly in excitement and closes the walking gap. 

Ben feels along her cheek with his thumb, then pressing his lips against her glossed ones. “Glad you came.”

She asks, as a joke, “Would I not have?”

He shrugs, “You might change your mind about me at any moment.” Then he grabs her hand, gently pulling her along and across the ramp to the yacht. There are little twinkle lights lighting up the edge of the ceiling of the wall of the steering and navigation area. As they walk to the main area of the boat, its open to the ocean and set up with a dining table for two. There’s roses  _ everywhere _ , including a single baby pink one in the middle of the table to contrast the white, blue, and purple pots of roses surrounding them. He managed to carve out a path for them to weave down to the table, and he pulls her chair out.

She sits primly, being careful about the tightness of the dress around her midsection. Then she watches him light a pink pillar candle between them with the zippo, plopping down across from her and sitting back.

He views her, like one would view a painting in the Louvre. She feels her cheeks go hot, reaching to sip her water. Her gloss smears on the rim, and she swallows down the ice cold water.

Ben smiles at her, and she asks, “Something on my face?”

“Nope. Just staring at the beautiful woman I adore.”

The boat begins to move front the dock, and she looks back at her home as they pull away from it. Then she looks back at him, and he glances at his nails before yells, “We’re ready.”

Mitaka, in a full on suit and tie, comes out with two plates of food. It’s chicken parmigiana with penne noodles, one of her favorite meals. He must’ve asked her mothers what she liked to eat, since she opts for a weird amount of sophistication when eating around him. She just doesn’t want to ruin the perfect girl illusion for him.

She smiles wide and he asks, “Good?”

The plate is set before her and she picks up a fork, “Very much so.”

Then Mitaka comes back quickly with an old fashioned and a whiskey neat. Rey takes the old fashioned gratefully, sipping it before she takes her first bite of the meal. It tastes like how her mothers make it, clearly made from scratch sauce. 

“Like it?”

She nods quickly, spearing noodles with her fork and thrusting it at his lips. He opens his mouth and takes the food off the fork, chewing thoughtfully. He nods. “Remind me to bring you to Italy.” 

She smiles, “Already been.”

“Not the way I do it. You’d like acting like a scruffy little tourist, wouldn’t you?”

She nods rapidly, “Absolutely. Nothing would make me happier.” 

He laughs and she snorts to herself before taking another bite. Ben then asks, “You’re happy with me, right?”

She looks up and says, “Yes. Obviously.”

He shrugs, “You never know.”

Then he reaches out and wipes sauce from her cheek, and lets her keep eating with little interruption. He eats as well, sipping his whiskey neat.

Eventually he reveals, “We’re sleeping on this boat.”

She slurps her noodles ungracefully. She loves sleeping on the yacht, just anchoring on the seas and letting the rocking of the boat soothe her to sleep. ”Good.”

“I figured you’d be into it.” Then he takes another bite, swallowing and then washing it down with whiskey. She wants to sit in his lap but she resists, eating her own food and eventually cleaning her plate.

He cleans his own at around the same time, and he asks her, “Another drink?’

She nods, because another old fashioned couldn’t kill her. He looks off towards where Mitaka reappeared earlier and whistles.

Mitaka comes strutting out with drinks already prepared, and Ben snorts. “You’re attentive.” 

“Listen, I bought my first camera with bartending money.” Then he sets down her old fashioned, and Ben got a lighter gin and tonic. They clink glasses as he walks away with their plates.

Rey sips her old fashioned and smiles to herself at the burn of the Tennessee whiskey on her throat. The acidity of orange, the sweetness of cherries on her tongue is so comforting in this moment. 

Music begins to play overhead, a big band number called  _ AIn’t That a Kick In the Head _ . Ben bops his head before standing, offering his hand to her. She takes it, allowing him to tug her to her feet. They begin dancing, his hands on her waist and making her feel like a princess.

They sway along to the music, and a few songs go by as the yacht traverses the sea. She whispers, against his ear, “Where are we going?”

“Just an easy loop.”

He twirls her around and Rey can’t help but giggle to herself as the song flawlessly flows into  _ Love and Marriage _ , and they sway with the beat while he twirls her around the deck

He spins her out and Rey flawlessly turns with her arms stretched wide and lands to face him.

Ben is on one knee. Her hand covers her mouth and he laughs to himself, reaching into his pocket and pulling two ring boxes. “Rey, I just want to be a man to give you whatever you want. Which means that when it came down to choosing an engagement ring for you, I naturally couldn’t choose.”

He snaps both boxes open, and both rings are so unique from each other that it takes her breath away. He continues on, “I know we’re both so young, but I’ve never felt so whole with someone.” The yacht skips across the water and she can barely feel it beneath them.

The rings he’s offering her are huge, a testament to how much he wants people to notice. One is oval shaped, sharpened off to points and with baguette diamonds on the band. Her heart quickens as she looks at the rounded square one, sidelined by two matching rounded off square diamonds on a simple band. Both rings are so exquisite, entirely different moods. 

“Please be mine forever. Nothing would make me happier, Rey. I promise I’ll take such good care of you-“

Rey blurts, interrupting him, “Yes. Please.” 

Ben stops and stares at her and she thrusts her left hand out. Ben pulls the sharpened oval ring from its box and slips it on her perfectly manicured fingers. The nude acrylics perfectly compliment the ostentatious nature of the ring on her finger. There’s no hiding this from people, and she knows that all she can do is deny and lie through her teeth. 

Rey stares at it so lovingly and Ben gets up from his knee, and Rey nearly jumps into his arms. 

He holds her so tight.

-🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹-

His lips can’t leave her skin.

Who could expect them to? Ben adores her so much, so elated she accepted his proposal. She’s wearing his ring on her finger, he can feel it scrape against the skin of his abdomen as he shoves her on her back onto the bed in the yacht’s master bedroom.

She’s still in her dress and he stares at her like she’s the heavens above being revealed to him in a vision. Rey asks, “What are you staring at?”

Ben shakes his head, leaning down and kissing her on the lips again as he reaches under her and manages to unzip the back of the dress. He feels lace under his deft fingers and she’s working the zipper of his slacks open.

They take a moment to shed their clothes for each other, realizing they might not get super far doing it for each other. Rey reveals her lingerie set, a lacy white garter and bustier set with a thong panty. Ben views in appreciation as he gets down to completely nude, pumping his half-hard cock a few times while he watches her wiggle further up the bed.

She’s in the range where he can grip the headboard while thrusting into her, and he takes quick advantage, launching up the bed and letting a hand push her panties aside and his other hand hold her stomach down.

Rey squeaks and his lips latch onto her. She whimpers and her back arches despite the force he’s exerting to keep her down. He manages a, “Trust me.”

Rey loosens up at that, body relaxing as he then begins to eat his dessert, tasting the tang of her body and enjoying how she writhes beneath him. “You’re going to be my wife.”

She says, out loud, “I’m so excited.” Ben chuckles and keeps eating, licking and slurping along her labia and also inside of her. He likes tasting her, being underneath her. Her having control over him is orgasmic, but tonight she’s allowing herself to just be along for the ride. 

He licks and sucks until he can barely breathe, shallow puffs coming from his nose as he shoves his face deeper into her. She trembles so pretty and he keeps his oral fixation set on her.

Eventually, she pushes on his head, a good signal they agreed on for him to stop. Sometimes Ben can get carried away with it, and she loves penetration. He gets the hint, quickly yanking her panties down and then scooting up the bed, lining his cock up with the entrance to her pussy. 

He groans as he pushes in, watching her eyes pop wide as a full moon. “Oh.”

“Want me to slow down?” 

Her head shakes rapidly and he smiles. “There you go.” Then he begins to thrust, in and out of her and feeling the base of his spine knot and unknot. She’s receiving a ton of pleasure from him, he can tell with her mouth parted and eyes shut. That fuels his pride, getting his hips to snap faster.

He fucks her quick, akin to the speed of a jackhammer before alternating with slower and punctuating thrusts that hit right in the fleshy muscle of her g-spot. His index rubs her clit back and forth, the small nerve-ending being swollen and clearly stimulated. Not to mention the slip and slide of her pussy, taking him to new heights.

She’s moaning, nearly chanting his name when he feels her suddenly clench and quickly relax around him, extra wetness slipping against his shaft and dripping onto the duvet. 

She stares up at him with lovesick eyes, and he’s sure his own eyes flash the same.

“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> halfway point huh. never thought we’d make it to here. please leave comments, whatever the hell you want to do. thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by [”lover” by taylor swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/1dGr1c8CrMLDpV6mPbImSI?si=Lo6zm31RShGKAClPEwskWQ)
> 
> [stream “still learning” (rey’s fifth studio album) now!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3S5QK5xfXB3yQ51GMO5yus?si=z1qZwdeARJSlp7iFJ_tX9A)   
>  [secret session adidas](https://www.adidas.com/us/zx-2k-boost-shoes/FV9997.html)   
>  [shop where rey got her custom yellow nike tie dye sweatsuit](https://www.instagram.com/killadyes/?hl=en)   
>  [white Air Force 1’s](https://www.nike.com/t/air-force-1-07-high-mens-shoe-qqTAorp3/315121-115?nikemt=true&cp=71606177307_search_%7CPRODUCT_GROUP%7CGOOGLE%7C71700000041489779%7CAll_X_X_X_X-Device_X_Nike-FullPrice_X%7C%7Ct&gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=Cj0KCQjwuL_8BRCXARIsAGiC51C18jd2x_rvF1x-5EFuyFBT-tWBegzUur76TX_riRjjHtUCn35KFsoaAq_LEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)   
>  [Rebecca minkoff bag](https://www.rebeccaminkoff.com/collections/tote-bags-1/products/kate-north-south-tote-cu20eritc9-black)   
>  [white maxi dress](https://www.asos.com/us/asos-design/asos-design-braid-maxi-beach-dress-in-textured-white/prd/14566712?colourwayid=16626391&SearchQuery=&cid=2238)   
>  [mustard bikini](https://www.asos.com/us/south-beach/south-beach-exclusive-mix-and-match-rib-underwire-bikini-top-in-yellow/prd/14496421?colourwayid=16620585&SearchQuery=&cid=2238)   
>  [the Rhode Island house](https://scenetherapy.com/taylor-swifts-rhode-island-holiday-house/)   
>  [whiskey spritzer recipe (thank me later)](https://winewithlisa.com/cocktails-with-lisa-old-fashioned-spritzer-with-devils-river-bourbon-whiskey/)   
>  [rose’s bikini](https://us.boohoo.com/square-bandeau-high-waist-crinkle-bikini/SZZ85035.html)   
>  [jannah’s bikini](https://us.boohoo.com/mix-match-crinkle-tie-front-top/SZZ84830.html?color=152)   
>  [what’s four loko you ask](https://fourloko.com/products/peach)   
>  [Rey’s yacht swimsuit](https://www.urbanoutfitters.com/shop/billabong-palm-side-long-sleeve-one-piece-swimsuit?category=womens-swimwear&color=018&type=REGULAR&quantity=1)   
>  [engagement dress](https://www.houseofcb.com/elodie-pink-floral-draped-maxi-dress.html)   
>  [butterfly heels](https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/sophia-webster-chiara-butterfly-wing-bridal-sandals-prod218260112?childItemId=NMX4JB2_&navpath=cat000000_cat000141_cat47190746_cat13410734&page=0&position=25)   
>  [smaller engagement ring](https://www.victorbarbone.com/collections/engagement-rings-over-20000/products/5-84-carat-bezel-diamond-engagement-ring)   
>  [marquis engagement ring (huge one)](https://www.victorbarbone.com/collections/vintage-engagement-rings/products/tiffany-marquise-diamond-engagement-ring)   
>  [initial necklace in a “B”](https://www.nordstrom.com/s/bony-levy-18k-gold-pave-diamond-initial-pendant-necklace-nordstrom-exclusive/3114532?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FJewelry%2FNecklaces&color=white%20gold%20-%20l)   
>  [lingerie](https://www.victoriassecret.com/us/vs/sleepwear-and-lingerie-catalog/for-love-lemons-forever-garter-bustier-1117268100?genericId=11172681&choice=95D1&size1=M&cm_mmc=PLA-_-GOOGLE-_-VSD_GS+-+VSL+-+Product+-+Lingerie+-+P2-_-Type_Merrywidow&gclid=CjwKCAjwz6_8BRBkEiwA3p02VaEiBANjNYTNfWbJ-M8rekz58xOpjSXFiQfFuc0IdQG2PBegk197HhoCcFMQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)   
>  [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Ezab9Hb1MEgBpkCvBchKd?si=MqdIr9QbR6yw3ob0f0tJ_g)


End file.
